I Am Such A Bad Mom! :(

[Michael]

read Nanny's blog entry about this type of pickup and drop off drama. She posted everything I would post here. Get control of this now because as crazy as 20 minutes is, it will only get worse if you don't put a stop to it!

The Dynamic Of Bad Behavior in Daycare

https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/the-dynamic-of-bad-behavior-in-daycare.htm

[PitterPatter]

The Dynamic Of Bad Behavior in Daycare

https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/the-...in-daycare.htm

Thank u I was searching for that. Got it, love it! TY again!

[PitterPatter]

Nannys blog says....

The provider is in a bad situation too. She doesn’t like the changing of the guard behavior. She wants the child to behave as he does when she is leading him. She feels she can’t discipline kids in front of their parent. She knows she wouldn’t want someone disciplining her kids in front of her so she sits back praying to Jesus that the parent put the kibosh on this and take over.

She also knows that it’s a pretty touchy deal to start disciplining the kid especially at pick up time. She could offend the parent and the parent could pull the kid. She really wants the kid to leave so she can get on with her own family so she doesn’t want to do anything to get prolong it.


This was exactly how I felt today!!! Nanny u are a genius! TY TY!

[SandeeAR]

I have my sign out sheet on a clip board. I would NOT open the door until kids were in coats and shoes. I would have them in front of me when I opened the door. Stand in the entry to the door, do not let her in. Hand her the clipboard with the sign out sheet to sign and hand her the state folder you mentioned.

At drop off, repeat. Stand back just enough to let the kids in and move back to the door frame. She will quickly get the point. If she questions it, simply say after the problems of yesterday with the kids behavior, I think this way is best.

Your house YOUR rules. She will learn to live with it.

[Christian Mother]

Your not a bad mom at all!! Sometimes we get put into bad situations and act to late. Then we are doing the "what I should of done" or "could of done". Your son sounds wonderful to take charge and want to help. Poor guy that he was hurt for trying to help. My advise comes from a similar account that happened to me a month ago. I am new here and Nannyde has helped me a lot on building my back bone. I had a DCD who not only disciplined my son in front of me but also is one of those lingering parents. I allowed it to go on to long so now I am having all these problems that could of been avoided if I had only the inform. and help and most of all back bone to stop it.

First if you have a Policy Handbook in effect...pull it out and either revise it or I would draw one up. High light or just print up the section on pick up and hand it to her. If she has questions to either email you or call during nap time that you will no longer discuss daycare issues at pick up time. Pick up time for me is out side. We have wonderful weather right now and my little ones want to be out side. I am fine with that bc it's easier to have them ready to go at the end of the day. When DCM comes at the gate I hand them over and shut the gate and say have a wonderful day see your tomorrow. I have one parent who likes to talk...I am bad too bc I like to chat but it is only hurting me bc then I've got to witness the bad behavior...my only thing is that I have already informed the parent that if there children are misbehaving while there here I won't hesitate to continue with my rules as I would expect them to follow them and enforce them. That parent was in full agreement. It's been 3 wks and this new policy I've established has worked like a charm. I don't have to discipline the child while there parent is there and it's a fast switch a roo out the door. I love it!! My days are stress free!! Yaa hoowww!!

[QualiTcare]

He tries to take the kit to put it away and she grabs it and screams at him (she doesnt do this with me, shes usually sweet) he told her he was putting it away for her, she's screaming and pulling it. The mom just stands there. I told my son to let go and she will go put it away. He says he just wants to help. The Mother NOW speaks up and says "Hey let go she will put it away" Hmmmm I may have took it wrong but I don't like clients telling MY kid what to do especially when they can't say squat to thier own kids! My son let go and it fell dropping toys all over the floor. He starts helping pick them up and put them back in the kit. He gets to the hammer and the girl screams NO. He explains the hammer goes in that kit. I tell her to let him put it in the kit so we dont lose it she screms no and slams the lid on my sons fingers and pushes down with both hands.

it sounds like there's some real confusion about who is in charge. the parent probably respects the fact that it IS your house and you enforce the rules, and you expect the parent to start enforcing the rules once they arrive.

i think you took her saying, "hey, let it go, she will put it away" a bit personally. after reading the scenario, it sounds like your son wasn't listening to what you said either. YOU told HIM to let it go and she will put it away. "he says he just wants to help" and apparently continues doing what you just told him to stop doing. the parent could very well have been wondering why you weren't taking control at that moment when she spoke up to REPEAT what you had already said which was ignored. it sounds like (correct me if i'm wrong) that he continued picking up after YOU told him to stop and then continued picking up after the daycare mom told him to stop. i can imagine that would be an awkward moment for a parent as well. first you tell him to stop. then, the parent tells him to stop. THEN, you tell the daycare girl to LET HIM pick up. how confusing for everyone.

[PitterPatter]

it sounds like there's some real confusion about who is in charge. the parent probably respects the fact that it IS your house and you enforce the rules, and you expect the parent to start enforcing the rules once they arrive.

i think you took her saying, "hey, let it go, she will put it away" a bit personally. after reading the scenario, it sounds like your son wasn't listening to what you said either. YOU told HIM to let it go and she will put it away. "he says he just wants to help" and apparently continues doing what you just told him to stop doing. the parent could very well have been wondering why you weren't taking control at that moment when she spoke up to REPEAT what you had already said which was ignored. it sounds like (correct me if i'm wrong) that he continued picking up after YOU told him to stop and then continued picking up after the daycare mom told him to stop. i can imagine that would be an awkward moment for a parent as well. first you tell him to stop. then, the parent tells him to stop. THEN, you tell the daycare girl to LET HIM pick up. how confusing for everyone.

Yes u are correct he did continue to help after I said let her do it. But if the parent felt the need to step in and repeat what I directed then why didn't she stop her OWN child from the fighting and screaming in the 1st place and finally allowing her child to hurt my son. She could have at the very least pulled her off since she was standing right over her inches away. I don't care what the rules of daycare would be I would not stand by and allow my child to hurt anyone.

As for her respecting my home and expecting me to be the only 1 enforing the rules, it was made very clear to her that I expect HER to have control of her children at pick up time. I went over this with her as I do every parent during the interview and it is stated in my contract as well:
"Once you arrive at my home your child is in YOUR care. Sometimes during drop-off and pick up a child may forget the rules, or test the boundaries. I ask that you please be in control of your child during pick up times, and don't allow them to be disruptive. I have other children that I must attend to so please correct your child if need be."

And when the toy dropped after my son let go. He started picking it all back up automatically as would any child that caused a mess I would think. I know if I dropped something I would help pick it back up. It wasnt until DCG gets mad again and screams at him that I say let him put the hammer in the kit. I was simply telling the new girl that the hammer goes in there but she wouldn't listen and yes I said let him put it in so it doesn't get misplaced. But shes didn't want the hammer in the kit.

I can see where it can be confusing but it was hectic because the children started fighting and getting out of hand in the 1st place all while mom sits and laughs about it saying they dont listen and all.

It wont be a problem anymore as I already decided to have coats on and ready to go out the door.

[PitterPatter]

Your not a bad mom at all!! Sometimes we get put into bad situations and act to late. Then we are doing the "what I should of done" or "could of done". Your son sounds wonderful to take charge and want to help. Poor guy that he was hurt for trying to help. My advise comes from a similar account that happened to me a month ago. I am new here and Nannyde has helped me a lot on building my back bone. I had a DCD who not only disciplined my son in front of me but also is one of those lingering parents. I allowed it to go on to long so now I am having all these problems that could of been avoided if I had only the inform. and help and most of all back bone to stop it.

First if you have a Policy Handbook in effect...pull it out and either revise it or I would draw one up. High light or just print up the section on pick up and hand it to her. If she has questions to either email you or call during nap time that you will no longer discuss daycare issues at pick up time. Pick up time for me is out side. We have wonderful weather right now and my little ones want to be out side. I am fine with that bc it's easier to have them ready to go at the end of the day. When DCM comes at the gate I hand them over and shut the gate and say have a wonderful day see your tomorrow. I have one parent who likes to talk...I am bad too bc I like to chat but it is only hurting me bc then I've got to witness the bad behavior...my only thing is that I have already informed the parent that if there children are misbehaving while there here I won't hesitate to continue with my rules as I would expect them to follow them and enforce them. That parent was in full agreement. It's been 3 wks and this new policy I've established has worked like a charm. I don't have to discipline the child while there parent is there and it's a fast switch a roo out the door. I love it!! My days are stress free!! Yaa hoowww!!

I hate to hear other go through such things but it does make me feel better that I am not alone in situations an that I can gain knowledge from things other have experienced. I think even though I will be handing them off at pick up I may also print the pick-up portion of my contract as a reminder. Thank u bunches for your help.

[nannyde]

Nannys blog says....

This was exactly how I felt today!!! Nanny u are a genius! TY TY!

Thanks Tyger

This was knowledge I gained from 31 years of caring for kids. I came up with the changing of the guard phrase when I was in London and watched the changing of the guard at Buckingham palace when I was a Nanny for a family. You have the same issues when you are a Nanny and the parents come home.

There is NO way to solve this without taking charge. You have to.

Another piece of advice is when there are parents around get your kid gone. If there is any conflict get your kid OUT of there as quick as you can. Never add the element of "mama" into a conflict.

In that situation you should have told your son to go off into another room even if it meant stopping whatever he was doing.

I don't allow my son to get anywhere near the dc parents. I never have. He knows when they arrive he is to go to another room and not come out until they are out the door. I don't even allow my helper to talk to the dc parents.

I want arrivals and departures to be calm. I would have allowed them to leave without even cleaning up just to get them out the door. Once you give a kid direction in front of their parents their option to do it is based on their parents allowing or not allowing them to do it. It's not the time to inforce rules other than immediate safety rules that lend them to GET OUT THE DOOR.

I wouldn't allow this Mom in any play area the kids are in at arrival and departure. Just have the kids ready to go before you answer the door and scoot them out. Now is the perfect time to say to her... it's just not working having you here with the kids. They can't handle us in the same place at the same time. I'm going to get the ready to go before you get here and as soon as you arrive I'm going to answer the door and have them go right out it. If you need to talk to me ... text me when you get home or give me a call during nap time tomorrow.

[nannyde]

Yes u are correct he did continue to help after I said let her do it. But if the parent felt the need to step in and repeat what I directed then why didn't she stop her OWN child from the fighting and screaming in the 1st place and finally allowing her child to hurt my son. She could have at the very least pulled her off since she was standing right over her inches away. I don't care what the rules of daycare would be I would not stand by and allow my child to hurt anyone.

As for her respecting my home and expecting me to be the only 1 enforing the rules, it was made very clear to her that I expect HER to have control of her children at pick up time. I went over this with her as I do every parent during the interview and it is stated in my contract as well:
"Once you arrive at my home your child is in YOUR care. Sometimes during drop-off and pick up a child may forget the rules, or test the boundaries. I ask that you please be in control of your child during pick up times, and don't allow them to be disruptive. I have other children that I must attend to so please correct your child if need be."

And when the toy dropped after my son let go. He started picking it all back up automatically as would any child that caused a mess I would think. I know if I dropped something I would help pick it back up. It wasnt until DCG gets mad again and screams at him that I say let him put the hammer in the kit. I was simply telling the new girl that the hammer goes in there but she wouldn't listen and yes I said let him put it in so it doesn't get misplaced. But shes didn't want the hammer in the kit.

I can see where it can be confusing but it was hectic because the children started fighting and getting out of hand in the 1st place all while mom sits and laughs about it saying they dont listen and all.

It wont be a problem anymore as I already decided to have coats on and ready to go out the door.

"Once you arrive at my home your child is in YOUR care. Sometimes during drop-off and pick up a child may forget the rules, or test the boundaries. I ask that you please be in control of your child during pick up times, and don't allow them to be disruptive. I have other children that I must attend to so please correct your child if need be."

You now know that she doesn't have any problem with her kids acting up at your house. There was nothing for her to GET under control. In fact, she liked it because it was a way to hang out at your house... show her kids how cool she is... show you who the boss is.... and tick away at the clock time SHE would have with the kids if she left with them.

It's to her ADVANTAGE to have the kids carry on at your house. That whole scene was for HER. It made HER happy.

She didn't want your son involved because that doesn't want anyone to rule over her kids. She doesn't want anyone to have a higher position. She wants her kids to be first, happy, and be able to express their little feelings.

She didn't have any problem allowing her kid to hurt your son. If at that very moment her child was getting her way... being the top dog... then this is what she is THERE FOR. She doesn't see it as a kid being decent to another kid like you do. She's in it for her own happiness and her kids happiness. If that means you, your property, or your kid loose in any way... that's cool for her.

This is one of the reasons I don't allow my son to mix with the parents. I don't want to do my parenting of my kid at the same time as them parenting their kid. It means our families join together at that moment and I want to keep business business.

The other method I use here with the older kids is to "surrender to the baby". This means... if the younger child is acting up ... the older kid gives in and backs away AT THAT MOMENT (even if it means giving up something they are building/working on/ etc.) and lets the adults "right" the situation. The older kids know when the younger ones are being unreasonable but they are not the ones who are allowed to "school" them, "help" them, or "consequence" them. The adults do that.

The adults take over and make sure the kid does the right thing. My kids just back away and if we haven't seen what has gone down.. they tell us what happened. Then WE fix it.

I don't want the kids to "work it out" if there is an age difference because the older kid doesn't really understand the words or actions that need to come the "baby's" way to fix it. There's a good age difference between your son and her kids. He needs to let YOU fix it... AND... you shouldn't involve him or allow him to fix it if it throws him in the mix.

I start teaching them "surrender to the baby" when they are about twenty to twenty two months old.

I'm not getting on you... believe me you... I GET exactly what you are feeling but you just let it get out of hand.

Now that you know better.. do better.

[sahm2three]

I know Moms are human and make mistakes but I made a bad 1 today.

I had 3 DCKs here and my 9 yr old son who was doing homework. The kids all had a tool kit each and was playing with them when daycare mom ( a state paid client through welfare) came to pick up her 2 kids. I told the kids "Mommy is ready to take u home so please put the tool kits back". They ignored me and kept playing. The Mom waited a few minutes and told them to put them away. They again just ignored her. She laughed it off and said they don't listen very well and just sat there. I told her they are usually good listeners for me but then again they are new here. (3rd week)

She finally got up after a few more minutes of sitting and staring at the kids, and got the coats and told them again and this time they said no and kept playing. She ignored their response and sat down on the floor. I'm thinking OK??? Should I speak up? Then the brother (2yrs) took the sisters (3yrs) hard hat and they fought, literally. The Mom just held the boy on her lap with his feet still in reach of the sister he starts kicking her. The mom looked at and and laughed and said "stop it" with a giggle but was still allowing him to continue to kick. (personally i would remove him from reach) I sat there shocked and not knowing what to do as they are her children and once a daycare mom signs a child out I don't like to interfere. The girl threw the hat, Mom stood up let the boy go and he went and played more.

We are now going on the family sitting in the house 20-25 minutes after sign out (this is common for her as she likes to tell me gossip and such but, i dont like it unless we need to have a discussion about the children. I don't care to hear she said he said especially about people I don't even know??). I speak up and say "well guys I gotta go start dinner so let me help u clean up the toys." As I start to get up my son says no Mommy I will help them. He picks up all the boys toys and starts on the girls. He tries to take the kit to put it away and she grabs it and screams at him (she doesnt do this with me, shes usually sweet) he told her he was putting it away for her, she's screaming and pulling it. The mom just stands there. I told my son to let go and she will go put it away. He says he just wants to help. The Mother NOW speaks up and says "Hey let go she will put it away" Hmmmm I may have took it wrong but I don't like clients telling MY kid what to do especially when they can't say squat to thier own kids! My son let go and it fell dropping toys all over the floor. He starts helping pick them up and put them back in the kit. He gets to the hammer and the girl screams NO. He explains the hammer goes in that kit. I tell her to let him put it in the kit so we dont lose it she screms no and slams the lid on my sons fingers and pushes down with both hands. My son is screaming she wont let go and the whole time the mother is just standing literally right behind her just inches away! I jump up and run over and pull the kit away from her. I look at his fingers and dont see anything he is crying tears saying it burns. The mom, just standing there quiet, not a word still, with no emotion! I'm checking fingers telling him it's not that bad as I don't see anything.

I tell the kids it really is time to clean up now. My son still crying hard. Again I tell him it's not that bad thinking she must not have really had all her weight on it like it seemed. Then I see his thumb!! It's purple and indented with the shape of the box lid! I tell him to go get a boo boo pack and hold on it. I can't even look at the Mother I am so angry now! The mother STILL stands there doing NOTHING! Saying NOTHING! I look down at the DCG and she looks mad and is pouting because I pulled the box away. I still don't even look at the Mother because now I am so angry I may say something I regret. My son comes back in holding the ice pack still crying and i rub his thumb. It's getting better already but still indented purple skin from being indented so badly by the lid and DCG forcing it down. Luckily it's not a bruised purple, it had faded away by dinner time. Anyway, still not having ANYTHING to say to me my child or her own child regarding this whole issue the Mom simply tells DCG "come on" and walks in the play room to put the tool kit back and comes back in and says "come on guys lets go."

I'm in shock I can't even talk to her at this point. I want to tell her off sooo bad but I could lose my license through the state if she complains. I tell the kids I will see them tomorrow and to be good for Mommy. I don't know what to say as I am upset with both of them and just shocked at the Mother for not having a care in the world about my son. They get to my porch and play around stalling as always. I stand there in the door, the mom stands there telling them come on. I finally look her in the eye as she gets down my stairs and I tell her I will see her tomorrow. She smiles happily and says ok see ya in a cheery tone. What the heck??? After all that u smile and are cheery??? I give a fake smile and close the door.

My sons finger is fine now. He may have even been a little dramatic (his nature sometimes) but fact is she did smash it in there and hold the lid down with both hands while he screamed and cried. Fact is the Mother stood behind her and didn't flinch! Fact is the Mother didn't have a problem telling MY son what to do yet didn't see fit to stop her own child from hurting mine or even tell her that was wrong. I would have pulled my kid off and immediatley checked the childs hand apologizing the whole time! But that's me so here I am asking if I am wrong here and what u guys would have done. I am so ashamed I didn't speak up for my sons rights and correct DCG myself. I just thought the Mother would step in any moment here.... Nope!

I have apologized to my son many times this evening and told him we will have some extra mommy & me time.

I don't allow parents to sign their kids out until they are walking out the door. I am in charge until the parents have them in their arms and are walking out the door. I have given many a time out with parents here. If the parents aren't going to intervene and make their children follow the rules, then I will. I would say you are going to have to continue to follow thru with your rules and consequences even with parent there! Good luck! Glad your sons thumb was ok!

[lily22]

I also had this problem with a parent. Once the parent came in the house, children had control and disregard my rules. Since mom was there, they thought they didnt' have to listen to the rules anymore.

I solved this by getting the children ready before she got there, waited by the window and as soon as she drove up the driveway and stopped the car, I would go out with the kids, my sign sheet and closed the door behind me. Not giving her the chance to come in.