Soooo Long But Please Help Me??

[Unregistered]

Wow.

This boy needs help NOW. He needs an evaluation and you need to be a big part of the assessment. It's time to tell Mom that if he is to continue in your care that he MUST be assessed. He may qualify for special needs funding that will give him his own aide who is trained specificaly to manage violent kids.

I'm wondering if the Mom, your licensor, and his Doctors would consider allowing you to use a five point harness carseat for him during his tantrums. He's so violent and so dangerous that you really NEED somewhere to put him where he can be buckled in and where he can't hurt himself or others.

If you backed it up to a solid wall, had it more at an angle (not completely upright) and stayed with him beside him he may de-escalate quicker. I don't know if the State would allow this but this is a unique situation where he has already harmed you. He could permanently injure you. Your brush with the eye injury lets you know this.

I don't have any technique to manage him. Any little todder that feels comfortable getting that violent with you that often knows there's nothing you can really do to stop it.

I definitely would not go out in public with him without a five point harness stroller. After your grandma exerience with him it is obvious for everyones safety you need to have somewhere to confine him quickly.

If confinement is not allowed you really have to let him go. He may need to go into a Pscyhe facility where they CAN legally confine and restrain him for safety. He may need medication and constant therapy for a long period of time. He's only going to get bigger and stronger. If he can do that kind of damage as a two year old he is only going to be more dangerous as he ages.

Remember too that you really run the risk of him getting injured when you are trying to protect yourself and him in the midst of his rages. You have to really THINK about how that can affect you, your livlihood, and your ability to care for your own child.

He may need an enviornment where there are multiple adults who are trained in restraint and have each other to verify that anything that happens to him during restraint was done with the most sincere attempt to keep him from harming himself and others.

The fits of severe rage are pretty much a thing of the past. He does still throw fits and yes even sometimes swings but NOTHING like he did last year. He was my only child in care so I had LOTS of 1 on 1 time with him through winter and instead of the little 5 minute time outs, I gave him 10 then 15 and finally 20 minutes on my couch. As long as it would take for him to switch gears and calm himself. I allowed no play things during this time. I didn't make eye contact with him either I just sat across the room watching him out of the corner of my eye and read the mail or a magazine for the time out. At 1st he would get down keep throwing his fits and screaming but until he did actual time on that couch I would not respond to him. I do believe that is what tamed him down (sorry to sound like an animal lack of a better word).

When he throws fits now I don't allow an audience. The kids and I give him his tantrum space and go on with the routine. Sooner or later he will go sit at the table with the kids or come ask for a drink because hes thirsty from yelling. My big issue lately is the dinner table with my family. I don't know if it's because I have 2 new kids taking some attention through the day. Maybe his days are just too long and he's fed up. Who knows. I feel sorry for him that he doesnt get to see his Mom much. He is here 10 hrs a day. She doesnt have a single meal with him until weekends and then she sends him to her Mom so she can go out. Through the week he is put in his room at bedtime and left with the TV to fall asleep to. He knows who George Lopez is!!! I am certainly in no place to judge and Lord forgive me but I would NEVER miss out on that much of my childs life. If I had to work the shift fine but all weekend would be mommy and me time and I would be reading books and cuddling until he fell asleep!

I mentioned to her in the beginning, about her hours being so long and he missed her. I found out from a friend that works at the same place that they don't have to work that long. (telemarketing) I asked her about it and she said she chooses to take an hour for lunch because she needs time for herself and to tan. So you see this poor kid has it rough and yes I have been very angry with him and I have thought many times to term him but at the end of the day when I see what he has learned and how far he his coming I just stick with it. I was so angry with him on Friday and now that I am away and had time to relax I reason with myself. Bad huh?

There are some times he fights his mother because he doesnt want to leave now. Opposite of how he 1st came here. Fact remains that he has a problem with being told no and not getting what he wants. The fits aren't as bad but I agree the other children can't learn this so I will talk to the Mother about a 2 week period of change. If she pulls him I'll deal with it I guess. I hate that I have had to walk on eggshells and not give a bad report for fear the mom would pull him. I could live paycheck to paycheck with 2 kids and I am about ready to do that after reading all of your opinions.

One of my fears about termming him is we live in a small town. This young mother has LOTS of relatives (yet she complains she has no one, go figure) and her Mother works as a bartender and at a gas station. I have heard her and her Mother gossip 1st hand about some people around town. If word gets out that I am a lousy sitter or I do this or that (people lie when scorned) my business could be ruined as well as my reputation. Going to take this slow and sweet. If nothing else I can use another excuse. I have no backbone either. I thought maybe I could say I want to cut back my daycare hours to 5:00. She wont give up her lunch time tanning and shopping so she will find someone else then it ends calmly, maybe.

Thank u again for the feedback u guys are wonderful!!!

[Unregistered]

I am happy to hear that your son is older, I was thinking that he too was a toddler and that would be bad! He would be trying to get away with the same things as this little boy.

You have a really big heart for caring so much for this child God Bless you for being such a caring person, but he still needs help, more than you can give him.

I agree with everything Nan said. He NEEDS to be evaluated ASAP!

By the way you should register, this is a great forum with a lot of really great people.

Thank u so much! I am registered but I forgot my password earlier and then was just too lazy to log in later. I am Tygerluv. I recently started talking to you guys last week I think. I posted on the doorbell topic and the crafts as well.

I was just lurking for a while but I think I will stay u guys are great! TY for all the support!

[marniewon]

One of my fears about termming him is we live in a small town. This young mother has LOTS of relatives (yet she complains she has no one, go figure) and her Mother works as a bartender and at a gas station. I have heard her and her Mother gossip 1st hand about some people around town. If word gets out that I am a lousy sitter or I do this or that (people lie when scorned) my business could be ruined as well as my reputation.

I think you will see that after this child blows through numerous daycares, that no matter what was said/gossiped about you, people will figure out the truth. I really can't imagine that too many (if any) other providers will put up with the amount of BS and disrespect that both mother and child have shown you. He WILL get kicked out of daycares, left and right, and people will think you are a saint for keeping him as long as you have!!

I haven't added my opinion yet, but I agree with every other person who advised to term him now! Nan is right - he needs to be evaluated ASAP, and dealt with. Otherwise he's a huge liability to you.

[nannyde]

One of my fears about termming him is we live in a small town. This young mother has LOTS of relatives (yet she complains she has no one, go figure) and her Mother works as a bartender and at a gas station. I have heard her and her Mother gossip 1st hand about some people around town. If word gets out that I am a lousy sitter or I do this or that (people lie when scorned) my business could be ruined as well as my reputation. Going to take this slow and sweet.

Well let's hope she gossips this one. The only people who this will interest are the ones with their own badly behaving kids. They will know not to come to you. That's a good thing.

Anyone who knows them knows the kid has behavior issues. She can't go anywhere or do anything without it happening in front of other people. He's most likely far worse with them than you have ever seen.

Don't allow what people will think to dissuade you from doing the right thing for yourself and the kid. Whatever affect your terming him will have on your common society will be short lived.

Just be prepared for a visit from the child abuse or state licensing. That's the most common pay back a provider gets for terming. Gossip won't cost you anything but getting the law at your door will be enough of a threat for them to get their revenge on.

[PitterPatter]

Well let's hope she gossips this one. The only people who this will interest are the ones with their own badly behaving kids. They will know not to come to you. That's a good thing.

Anyone who knows them knows the kid has behavior issues. She can't go anywhere or do anything without it happening in front of other people. He's most likely far worse with them than you have ever seen.

Don't allow what people will think to dissuade you from doing the right thing for yourself and the kid. Whatever affect your terming him will have on your common society will be short lived.

Just be prepared for a visit from the child abuse or state licensing. That's the most common pay back a provider gets for terming. Gossip won't cost you anything but getting the law at your door will be enough of a threat for them to get their revenge on.

OHH no I didn't think of that!! Well I guess I will have to be creative when it comes to the term then. I'm thinking since my other 2 kids leave by 3:30 or 4:30 I could change my closing hours to 5 and tell her she is more than welcome to keep him here til 5 and have someone pick him up at that time (she has no one supposedly) or change her tanning session to weekends That sounds rude I know

I'm glad that I have had reports in about his attitude. They should have on record the behavior specialist I was working with for ideas in the beginnning.

TY Nannyde!!

[momatheart]

I would change your hours that sounds like a great idea. How about contracted hours as well on top of it.

[dEHmom]

OHH no I didn't think of that!! Well I guess I will have to be creative when it comes to the term then. I'm thinking since my other 2 kids leave by 3:30 or 4:30 I could change my closing hours to 5 and tell her she is more than welcome to keep him here til 5 and have someone pick him up at that time (she has no one supposedly) or change her tanning session to weekends That sounds rude I know

I'm glad that I have had reports in about his attitude. They should have on record the behavior specialist I was working with for ideas in the beginnning.

TY Nannyde!!

So Sorry about all of that, and kudos to you for putting up with it.

One of the biggest things here, is he dcb gets away with things. He's learned that his behavior gets him what he wants, so this is what he knows. He has slowly figured out that you dont' put up with it.

But moms blatant disrespect is a major issue, and she needs to learn her lesson too. I wonder if she says things about you to dcb? or if he hears her say stuff?

It's not the money that should be your influence of keeping dcb. NEVER let it be the money. I know it's easier said than done. Your son also does not need to see this.

I would do as mentioned. Change your closing time till 5pm, if she doesn't like it, she can look elsewhere. She will:
a) amazingly be there at 5pm to pick up
b) have someone pick him up
c) pull him out, and then be begging you to take him back. If you take him back, you need to have her sign an AGREEMENT and one of the terms in the contract should be that she will have him assessed, and will follow all advice/suggestions she is told for his behavior from both you and the dr.

[Checkinkids.com]

Wow - that is even more stressful than our worst horror story. Sometimes problems like that can make stress levels so high that no amount of money is worth it to keep a client.