WWYD? Kids Who Break Rules When Parents Arrive

[Symphony]

This has just happened this week, the first time it just kind of shocked me, the second time I had so many parents coming at once that I didn't address it. I have made a plan, but I wanted to ask what you all would do/have done in this situation.

In my house, the kids get one warning in the form of: notice to stop and what the consequence will be, ie "The sand stays in the sandbox or you need to find something else to do" or "We do not throw blocks or you are all done".

Ok, so dcg (2) yesterday lost playing in the sandbox because she was pouring the sand out the sides of it. She had stayed out of it for probably 15 minutes when her mom and dad arrived. She immediately turns and runs straight to the sandbox and dumps a shovelful over the side! Then today, she lost blocks because she was throwing them at the other kids. All is fine, she is playing with other toys, until mom and dad show up...you guessed it- right to the blocks and starts throwing. Smart little cookie!

My plan is to mention something to mom and dad in the morning about these two instances, and explain that I would like us to be on the same page. That way, in the future should this happen again, it can be addressed without having to explain this is a pattern and the whole story at pick up time/in the moment. I do not think the things she is doing are terrible or out of control, but I feel like she thinks the rules no longer apply and I am no longer in charge once her parents are there.

I am hoping for feedback as to what you all think of this. Have you ever had this problem? Do you think I am handling it ok (in my future plan, I haven't "handled" it at all at this point)? And lastly, do you discipline once parents are there or are you off duty when they come through the door?

[gkids09]

I'm sure there will be some that disagree with me, but that's okay...that's why we get opinions from all sides, right?

In my policy, I have the following statement:
"Please be in control of your child during drop off and pick up times. This is a time of testing when two different authority figures are present (parent and provider) and this situation will be tested at one time or another to see if the rules still apply. We will expect you to keep your child under control when you arrive, but will interject to stop any misbehavior that you are not putting a stop to."

I haven't had to interject MUCH, but I have when needed...Here lately, it's needed more.

If I were you, I would mention the rules to these parents, or even remind the child of the rules when they get there. Or, if you see her parents pull up, remind her before they walk in that if she breaks any rules (throwing blocks, for example), she will not get to play with that toy the next day/next time she is there.

Hope this helps a little.

[Symphony]

I'm sure there will be some that disagree with me, but that's okay...that's why we get opinions from all sides, right?

In my policy, I have the following statement:
"Please be in control of your child during drop off and pick up times. This is a time of testing when two different authority figures are present (parent and provider) and this situation will be tested at one time or another to see if the rules still apply. We will expect you to keep your child under control when you arrive, but will interject to stop any misbehavior that you are not putting a stop to."

I haven't had to interject MUCH, but I have when needed...Here lately, it's needed more.

If I were you, I would mention the rules to these parents, or even remind the child of the rules when they get there. Or, if you see her parents pull up, remind her before they walk in that if she breaks any rules (throwing blocks, for example), she will not get to play with that toy the next day/next time she is there.

Hope this helps a little.

I think the difference is that she is doing things that she has lost, not necessarily breaking rules that anyone around would recognize, you know? So seeing their child climb into the sandbox or run to the blocks when they arrive isn't really cause for alarm. So it's not just the throwing that I'm worried about, it's the immediately going to what she lost.

[gkids09]

I think the difference is that she is doing things that she has lost, not necessarily breaking rules that anyone around would recognize, you know? So seeing their child climb into the sandbox or run to the blocks when they arrive isn't really cause for alarm. So it's not just the throwing that I'm worried about, it's the immediately going to what she lost.

Ohhh, gotcha. I think I read your original post wrong..

For THAT, I think I would definitely mention it to the parents. It sounds like she's trying to "prove" to you that she can do what she wants when her parents are around. So all your rules and consequences go out the window when they pull up, she thinks. (Like you said in your original post. )

Once you tell the parents what is going on, I would start saying something about it to her when she does it and they're there. If they are good parents that will support your rules/consequences, maybe they can echo you and she will see she is losing?

Hope this helps a little MORE than that first one...ha!

[Christian Mother]

I had pretty much the same incident today...I have a DCB (2) who demonstrates bad behavior as soon as DCD pick him up. Some days are better then others. A couple of weeks ago bc DCD would linger I brought up the subject to him that he needs to make a quite departure each day. No lingering. I know you don't have that problem. But for me it is. The DCB has been here quite a while so he would like to go and by DCD lingering it really frustrates DCB. He starts yelling, throwing fits...and instead of DCD putting a stop to his behavior he indulges it. So, I told him that when he is here it is his responsibility as the parent to discipline his son. I told him that in my home if DCB throws a tantrum for not getting what he wants or misbehaving he gets a time out or I will get down at his level and calmly talk to him about his behavior and that is whether he is even willing to talk with me bc sometimes he's just out of control...all at the age of 2. He is sooo much better then he was 10 months ago...things where bad then with his behavior but now...hardly any problems at all and is such a lovable little boy!! But as soon as dad arrives...he's horrible. Today, we where out side playing and I walked him up to the gate since DCD was late. Trying to make a smooth transition. It didn't go well at all. DCD wanted to allow his son to open and close gate as I was holding him passing him through the gate. DCD was telling my 4 yr old daughter to allow him to open and close it bc DCB was screaming and yelling and carrying on....I wasn't paying any attention to it...!! Thats what you should do...when they do that... But I was mad later thinking about it bc this parent would just allow his child to carry on like that and indulge his sons temper. Makes me sooo mad!! I ashually as I was putting him down calming got on his level and told him that that was enough...that it was time to go now and I would see him tomorrow. Dad didn't say a word...!! If the parents are not going to correct it right away...I sure am!!

[nannyde]

This has just happened this week, the first time it just kind of shocked me, the second time I had so many parents coming at once that I didn't address it. I have made a plan, but I wanted to ask what you all would do/have done in this situation.

In my house, the kids get one warning in the form of: notice to stop and what the consequence will be, ie "The sand stays in the sandbox or you need to find something else to do" or "We do not throw blocks or you are all done".

Ok, so dcg (2) yesterday lost playing in the sandbox because she was pouring the sand out the sides of it. She had stayed out of it for probably 15 minutes when her mom and dad arrived. She immediately turns and runs straight to the sandbox and dumps a shovelful over the side! Then today, she lost blocks because she was throwing them at the other kids. All is fine, she is playing with other toys, until mom and dad show up...you guessed it- right to the blocks and starts throwing. Smart little cookie!

My plan is to mention something to mom and dad in the morning about these two instances, and explain that I would like us to be on the same page. That way, in the future should this happen again, it can be addressed without having to explain this is a pattern and the whole story at pick up time/in the moment. I do not think the things she is doing are terrible or out of control, but I feel like she thinks the rules no longer apply and I am no longer in charge once her parents are there.

I am hoping for feedback as to what you all think of this. Have you ever had this problem? Do you think I am handling it ok (in my future plan, I haven't "handled" it at all at this point)? And lastly, do you discipline once parents are there or are you off duty when they come through the door?

https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/the-dynamic-of-bad-behavior-in-daycare.htm#comment-16

I would just set it up with the parents that once they arrive she goes directly to the area where she gets dressed or her stuff is. NO going into the play area at all when the parents are onsite.

And yes, I do discipline the kids in front of their parents. I don't act differently in front of the parents than I do when they are not there. The kid doesn't see MY behavior change at arrivals or departures. If I change then the kid can take over.

If the parents are handling it then I stay out of it. If the parents aren't then I step in. Sometimes the parents just don't know your rules and what has transpired so you must stay in the discipline until they understand what has happened and take over. If the parent doesn't want to take over then I will continue on.

[nannyde]

But as soon as dad arrives...he's horrible. Today, we where out side playing and I walked him up to the gate since DCD was late. Trying to make a smooth transition. It didn't go well at all. DCD wanted to allow his son to open and close gate as I was holding him passing him through the gate. DCD was telling my 4 yr old daughter to allow him to open and close it bc DCB was screaming and yelling and carrying on....I wasn't paying any attention to it...!! Thats what you should do...when they do that... But I was mad later thinking about it bc this parent would just allow his child to carry on like that and indulge his sons temper. Makes me sooo mad!! I ashually as I was putting him down calming got on his level and told him that that was enough...that it was time to go now and I would see him tomorrow. Dad didn't say a word...!! If the parents are not going to correct it right away...I sure am!!

This is a really good example of where both the parent and child need you to lead.

This Dad wouldn't last a week in my house. The first time he tried to force me to accept the kids bad behavior we would have a serious discussion about who the boss is here at Nans house.

I'm SO glad I don't have door drama. It's exhausting and it upsets everyone. I like PEACE and CALM.

[TBird]

My DCB OPENED THE DOOR the other day when mom came for pick up. I act the same whether the parents are here or not...this is MY HOUSE. I told him firmly..."No X, we don't touch Ms. T's door...that's dangerous!!!" Mom backed me right up and told him again...."No X, you never touch Ms. T's door...that's a no-no!" Parents should be backing us up as far as discipline and rules go.

Back in the day, I did have a DCB that went BAZERK when mom came....jumped, screamed, ran, anything you can think of. She was CLUELESS as to how to back me up so I did it myself!!! Most days I had him ready and waiting for mom, opened the door a crack to give her the daily report, and then just pushed him through the crack in the door with a hearty good night!!!::

[TBird]

My DCB OPENED THE DOOR the other day when mom came for pick up. I act the same whether the parents are here or not...this is MY HOUSE. I told him firmly..."No X, we don't touch Ms. T's door...that's dangerous!!!" Mom backed me right up and told him again...."No X, you never touch Ms. T's door...that's a no-no!" Parents should be backing us up as far as discipline and rules go.

Back in the day, I did have a DCB that went BAZERK when mom came....jumped, screamed, ran, anything you can think of. She was CLUELESS as to how to back me up so I did it myself!!! Most days I had him ready and waiting for mom, opened the door a crack to give her the daily report, and then just pushed him through the crack in the door with a hearty good night!!!::

Oops! Forgot to show you my policy. It's kind of blunt, but this is it...

"Sometimes if both the parents and Provider are in attendance at the same time (at drop-off, pick up, parties, etc.) a child may forget the rules or try to test boundaries. Please help show your child that you respect me, the rules of my home, and my property by reminding him/her that the rules apply even in your presence. At these times, I will also remind the children of the rules and redirect them if needed."

[morgan24]

Since the parents don't know that she has lost her sandbox privileges, I would take her by the hand and deliver her to parents while reminding she has no privileges in the sandbox right now. I would also let the parents know what is going on and that I expect them to back me up. For things like this sometimes I find it easier instead of asking the parents to just tell them in a nice way.

[SandeeAR]

And yes, I do discipline the kids in front of their parents. I don't act differently in front of the parents than I do when they are not there. The kid doesn't see MY behavior change at arrivals or departures. If I change then the kid can take over.

If the parents are handling it then I stay out of it. If the parents aren't then I step in. Sometimes the parents just don't know your rules and what has transpired so you must stay in the discipline until they understand what has happened and take over. If the parent doesn't want to take over then I will continue on.

This is what I do too.

[VTMom]

Since the parents don't know that she has lost her sandbox privileges, I would take her by the hand and deliver her to parents while reminding she has no privileges in the sandbox right now. I would also let the parents know what is going on and that I expect them to back me up. For things like this sometimes I find it easier instead of asking the parents to just tell them in a nice way.

I do this too. I have a 4 year old who will do this. He has a stuffed animal that he will frequently use to whip others with which results in it being put in his bag until after he leaves my house. As soon as Mom or Dad come, he goes for it immediately - never fails. I'll tell him in front of Mom/Dad he'll have to wait until he leaves the house because (explanation of what happened)... That way Mom/Dad knows whats up. I wouldn't say they back me up, but they don't override my decision.

[SilverSabre25]

This has just happened this week, the first time it just kind of shocked me, the second time I had so many parents coming at once that I didn't address it. I have made a plan, but I wanted to ask what you all would do/have done in this situation.

In my house, the kids get one warning in the form of: notice to stop and what the consequence will be, ie "The sand stays in the sandbox or you need to find something else to do" or "We do not throw blocks or you are all done".

Ok, so dcg (2) yesterday lost playing in the sandbox because she was pouring the sand out the sides of it. She had stayed out of it for probably 15 minutes when her mom and dad arrived. She immediately turns and runs straight to the sandbox and dumps a shovelful over the side! Then today, she lost blocks because she was throwing them at the other kids. All is fine, she is playing with other toys, until mom and dad show up...you guessed it- right to the blocks and starts throwing. Smart little cookie!

My plan is to mention something to mom and dad in the morning about these two instances, and explain that I would like us to be on the same page. That way, in the future should this happen again, it can be addressed without having to explain this is a pattern and the whole story at pick up time/in the moment. I do not think the things she is doing are terrible or out of control, but I feel like she thinks the rules no longer apply and I am no longer in charge once her parents are there.

I am hoping for feedback as to what you all think of this. Have you ever had this problem? Do you think I am handling it ok (in my future plan, I haven't "handled" it at all at this point)? And lastly, do you discipline once parents are there or are you off duty when they come through the door?

Is she very verbal? If not, I'm wondering if she was trying to tell her parents what had happened by showing them? That's sort of what it sounds like to me. I have preverbal or early verbal kids who run off when their parent gets here and go straight for whatever the favorite toy was that day and have found that if I give them the words, "Oh yes! She LOVED playing with those dolls today!" or "He had so much fun playing trains all morning!" it's easier to get them away--making me think that they're trying to tell mama what they did.

Now, that doesn't mean it's okay for her to be doing something she lost the privilege for, but it might help explain why she's doing it. If she lost a privilege, you could be prepared to head her off at the pass when mom gets there, or if you don't manage it, you could tell mom for her, with her right there--"I know, you lost the sandbox today for dropping sand out of it! Tomorrow you'll remember not to do that, huh? It wasn't fun to not get to play in the sand today!"

[sahm2three]

I'm sure there will be some that disagree with me, but that's okay...that's why we get opinions from all sides, right?

In my policy, I have the following statement:
"Please be in control of your child during drop off and pick up times. This is a time of testing when two different authority figures are present (parent and provider) and this situation will be tested at one time or another to see if the rules still apply. We will expect you to keep your child under control when you arrive, but will interject to stop any misbehavior that you are not putting a stop to."

I haven't had to interject MUCH, but I have when needed...Here lately, it's needed more.

If I were you, I would mention the rules to these parents, or even remind the child of the rules when they get there. Or, if you see her parents pull up, remind her before they walk in that if she breaks any rules (throwing blocks, for example), she will not get to play with that toy the next day/next time she is there.

Hope this helps a little.

THIS! I have put kids into time out while parents are there to pick up. If you are in my house, it is my way or the highway! So if parents are allowing the bad behavior, I interject by warning the behavior, then if they still continue it is into time out they go! I want the parents to know that I am the same in front of them as I am when they are not here!

[laundrymom]

direct from my contract,.. I even have it in RED. I absolutely will say,... Ayden,.. stop. You May NOT jump on the couch. Jordym, STOP, You WILL NOT throw sand. then I give them the chance to stop or I go to them, take their hand, walk them to a place to sit, tell them to stay,... then talk to mom. Sometimes parents need to SEE how to respond,...

~While your child is in my home it is important that you both understand that MY rules apply until you have gotten into your car and left the drive. The less confusion about who is in charge, the more comfortable everyone will be. It also eliminates the confusion about who should respond if a child needs direction. Please keep in mind that children tend to ‘act out’ when a parent is here.