Appropriate?!

[Unregistered on purpose]

I have a dcb (3.5 yrs old) and he attends here full days, 5 days a week. Twice a week the kids all go to an activity program. The program sends transportation and all the kids (age 3 and up) get picked up and returned about 90 minutes later. So yesterday, the progrm director comes into my daycare when returning the kids and tells me that this dcb had some inappropriate behavior while with them. She tells me that he tried several times to grab/pinch an adult female volunteer in the breast area and said while doing this "I'm gonna get your boob!" or something similar. Anyways, they said if the behavior continues or happens again, the dcb will no longer be allowed to attend the program.

Now here is my vent/problem: When I called dcm to tell her of the situation (dcd does all drop off and pick ups so I rarely see dcm) she pretty much told me it was developmental for him to behave that way and that he had a similar behavior towards her last week sometime. I swear she was laughing as though it was funny! (This mom is highly educated in children's behavior.)

I really am not sure how to handle this. Should I let it remain between the program and the parent since it did not happen here or should I say something more to the mom? I do not think it is appropriate to behave this way even though it IS appropriate for him to be curious about this subject at this age, pinching or "getting" someone's breast as though it is a joke is VERY INAPPROPRIATE in my opinion. I have 3 other boys in care who are the same age and none of them has done anything similar.

I think the thing that is bothering me most is mom's reaction! If this was an adult who behaved this way, there would be sexual harrassement talks going on....kwim? Plus, I can't trust that mom will even have any type of discussion with her child about this since she apparently does not think it is a big deal. I'm kind of just speechless about the whole thing! Thoughts???

[MG&Lsmom]

Who set up the activity program? If it's something you offer as part of your program then I would think you taking charge of the situation is appropriate. If it's something that the parents arranged, then I'd leave it between the parents/director. If it were a school issue you would not get between the parents and administrators, kwim?

[Lucy]

Sounds to me like it started as a family "fun" thing, and it really isn't something that the kid is dong "wrong", because it was laughed at in the home and he doesn't know any better. To him it's no worse than the game of "I've got your nose!!" However, the mother DOES need to inform the kid that he shouldn't do it to anyone but mommy. (I personally wouldn't want my kid to do it to me at all, but if she thinks it's funny, teach the kid to keep it within the home).

I've never worked in a center, but I think I'd give the activity program director the mom's phone number and leave it between them to handle. Tell the director that you told the mom and she didn't see a problem. It's out of your hands now.

Edited to add: I DO think it is inappropriate, I'm just saying the kid doesn't realize it's inappropriate, therefore he's not really doing something "wrong". Once he is taught that it is inappropriate and still does it, then he's doing something wrong. Just wanted to make sure nobody thought I was condoning this kid doing that.

[MG&Lsmom]

Oh and it's completely inappropriate for a 3.5yo to be touching others in such a manner. Curious yes, but touching no. That's crossing a boundary. I teach them anything a bathing suit covers is a no touch/no see zone.

[DCMomOf3]

I am of the mind that, although she thinks it is 'developmentally appropriate' it is to be addressed as a privacy violation. At 3.5 this boy needs boundaries and public appropriate behavior.

Tell the mom that although she sees nothing wrong with it, it against program policy and she has to have a talk with her child about ok public behavior or he will be kicked out. If she has a problem she is going to have to address the director herself, you are the middle-man and will not be brought in any further.

[jen]

As long as you told Mom that the child will get the boot from the program if there are future occurrances, I wouldn't worry about it anymore. He's gonna do it again, he's gonna get kicked. If the program director speaks to you about it again, I would suggest that she calls Mom directly.

[dEHmom]

As long as you told Mom that the child will get the boot from the program if there are future occurrances, I wouldn't worry about it anymore. He's gonna do it again, he's gonna get kicked. If the program director speaks to you about it again, I would suggest that she calls Mom directly.

yep I don't necessarily think it was right for that director to tell you about that situation anyway. That is something that should've been dealt with with the parents. Unless they don't talk to the parents at all? Is this your program?

[SandeeAR]

I feel your pain. I have a 2.5yo girl that has recently developed an interest in boobs and touching them. I KNOW she did not get that here. When she grabbed at my grown DD and made a comment, I got on to her and told her not to do that.

I also sent home a note that day that stated....For your information: DCG's interest in boobs and grabbing them, DID NOT COME FROM HERE.

Haven't heard a word from the parents on it.

[Unregistered]

yep I don't necessarily think it was right for that director to tell you about that situation anyway. That is something that should've been dealt with with the parents. Unless they don't talk to the parents at all? Is this your program?

The program is something I offer and the program directors have no commuication with the parens other than taking their checks for payment which is given to me and then given to the program people. The program person told me about it because anything that happens there, they usually tell me and I relate it back to the parent if necessary. I did tell the mom she could call the director and talk with her if she needed additional info but based on her reaction, I doubt it is a big deal to her. I also did tell her the child would be banned from the program if he did it again and I think I will leave it at that since she is fully aware of he consequences now.

I will talk with dcb about "no touching" and will make sure it doesn't happen here....I just get so irritated by parents who think everything is funny and take no responsibilty in their child's behaviors. Of course I shouldn't assume. Just because she was laughing when I told her, she may well just have reacted that way out of embarrassment (?) and will talk with her child about it. I really was just taken back by the reaction and now that I have thought about it, the whole thing isn't a dilemma. If it happens again, he will not be allowed to go to the program. If it doesn't happen again, then problem solved. Thank you for the responses. =)

[nannyde]

I wouldn't have engaged in that convo with the activity person. She needs to talk directly to the Mom and they need to figure it out. Nice info to have to protect yourself but really doesn't have anything to do with your care.

[TBird]

It's definitely the age, but mom needs to take it seriously and make sure he knows not to touch (maybe she was just nervous). Even if it's age appropriate, there are rules about touching.

One of my daycare boys (he's two) noticed one day that I have "Tay-Tah's" like his mommy. I kindly removed his hand and told him that YUP....these are Mrs. T's Tay-Tah's.....not YOUR Tay-Tah's...we don't touch Mrs. T's Tay-Tah's!!! He said, "OOOOOOOOH...." and he's never mentioned it again.

Sometimes it's just simple curiosity!!!::