What can I do? - I feel like all I do is battle with him all day long

[Unregistered]

I have a boy who is 4 1/2 almost 5. I've had him since he was 15 mo. old. He's always been very active and he will definetly be labled the "class clown" when he gets into school. He is very smart and knows things he shouldn't know at his age (older brother, tv at home) He is a "good" child but he is starting to have a hard time following directions when he knows exactly what's being asked of him, he's pushing the limits, when he goes for a time out he starts with the talking back and just yells a bunch of stuff that doesn't make sense, he always has to be "funny" and is always saying things he knows he's not suppose to say.

I feel like all I do is battle with him all day long, when he doesn't win a game, or if he isn't the line leader for the day, or if he can't do something first he has a little attitude tantrum, I always explain to him he doesn't have to win at everything to be a "winner" and that losing isnt' bad, explain all that stuff and he never wants to listen he just continues louder with the attitude, then when a child comes up to him and says anything to him he just starts yelling I dont' want to be around anyone, I feel like he's always in a time out but they do no good, his parents have the same issues at home, however at home they put him in his room and shut the door, obviously I can't do that.

I just don't know what else to do and try with him. It seems like it goes up and down, it was getting a little worse in the summer then it seemed to get better after his dad started bringing him on a schedule, then it started getting even worse now the last 2 weeks, I have talked with his mom, they are trying a reward system at home and he has to have a good review here too, but it doesn't seem to be working, I started a reward system here too and he wants the reward but each time he doesn't earn a sticker he just throws a fit.

I have been just ignoring it but its hard, I feel like I'm constantly trying to overcome a battle with him. I feel like maybe he needs a different environment or something but I only have 6 kids and only all 6 are here 2 days of the week,he's going to be in kindergarten next year and he's going to have 25+ kids in his class. His parents are friends of ours and I've had him so long but I just feel like there is never any peace within the day. Any suggestions would be so great.

[Unregistered]

Tantrums

Here is what I suggest:

He sounds a lot like my son when he was younger. Now my son did not do so much of the tantrums, etc. but the always having to win, always having to be right, wanting/needing to be left alone he did. He wasn't rude to ther kids like you've described, but I can relate in a way to the behaviors.

Is there a place where DCB can be by himself in his own little corner of the room with something quiet to do? Like a reading corner or a small table he can sit at and play with cars or do puzzles? If you can afford him some quiet alone times, that might help. He sounds like my son in that he needs quiet time away from the group to decompress and take a breather. If he can sit in another room where you can still supervise him, even better! Don't do it as a punishment, make it a positive thing.

Also, it sounds as though he is now the central figure in a power struggle/battle of wills between you, Mom and Dad and himself. He is getting attention, granted it's negative, but he's getting LOTS of attention. I don't agree that Mom and Dad's approach of locking him in his room is a good one. They are avoiding the issues, not dealing with them. I would recommend NOT giving him attention for any of these negative behaviors.

Focus all of your positive, enthusiastic energies onto the children who are behaving at daycare. PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE them to the ceiling in front of DCB. Shower them with positives. But DO NOT say anything negative to DCB. Do not engage him in conversation when he is being "naughty". It will take a week or two and you will have to be very strong in sticking to your guns, but just simply IGNORE the "bad" behavior. Do not "give it the time of day" so to speak.

Basically you are giving anything negative "the silent treatment" and anything positive lots and lots of positive, enthusiastic feedback. Mom and Dad have to be on board with this too and follow up at home. Soon DCB will learn that if he wants attention he has to be following the rules and behaving in a way that EARNS attention. Right now he is earning his attention by being naughty.

You have to do everything within your will power not to mention anything bad or naughty, not to engage him in conversation or a battle of wills over behaviors. Quietly and calmly remind him of the rules if necessary. Every single time he does something good or desired, get super enthusiastic and smile HUGE, it may be that you need to give him little stars for every little good thing he does for a while, not just one for the whole day of behavior, that is a lot for a little guy. Maybe challenge him to fill up so many squares each day. Make THAT the game, not the power struggle. At the end of the day at pick-up time in front of Mom and Dad, remind him, "Little Johnny, look at this star, remember when you shared your truck with Lisa? That was SO GOOD!!!"

Kids inherently want to PLEASE you. Give him every opportunity to do so and make a huge deal of it.

You get the picture. If you decide to try it, come back and give us updates. Like I said, you will have to be really strong. It will be tempting to say something to him if he's being naughty. You have to try your best not to.


Good luck!!!!!!

[tymaboy]

Maybe what he needs is a center with more kids. It will also help him transition into kindergarten easier. I know you do not want to loose a child but you need to think what is best for the children, plus you will feel much more relaxed & not so stressed when he is gone.

[AmandasFCC]

I agree, it sounds to me like he needs a different kind of stimulation. Around here they only go to preschool 2 hours/day, maybe if he did something like that then came to your daycare things would be a little better? 4 year olds are a challenge for sure because they're at that stage where being around the younger kids is not stimulating enough for them (I have one that is constantly acting up and bullying the babies .... and I'm friends with the dad so what can I do? ) .... Good luck on this one

[Unregistered]

Thanks for the replies, 2 others are his age then I have 2 that are just a year younger not quite but one acts older, then I have a 2 year old so they are pretty much his age, so I don't think preschool would be any different atmosphere. He seems to be competetive with the others, which doens't surprise me. He doesn't "bully" the other kids, but when things don't go his way or if he loses or isn't first he just starts yelling and has a temper, if he isn't following directions and I need to place him in a timeout he yells at me and just rambles stuff that doesn't make sense. He loves to make the others laugh so when he's in a "normal" mood. His parents have no way to get him here if he went to a preschool. I'm hoping it's just a phase and he'll outgrow it. He's a red head and what's strange is years ago I started a boy that was just starting kindergarten and he was a red head, he also had a temper and got very angry if he didn't "win", but he never yelled at me or the others he would just kick something, not hard and then go off and pout, but I had that boy for 6 years, he did out grow the needing to win stage but he was much more quiet than this boy. thanks again

[kitkat]

If he's the oldest in your group, then he's probably feeling a bit of entitlement...he's the oldest so he has to be the leader, winner, etc. Preschool would probably be a good thing for him. Preschool here is only 2.5 hours, so transportation is something to consider.

When my kids throw a tantrum, they have a choice of stopping the tantrum or having the fit on the time out rug. They can cry and scream all they want, but they have to stay on the rug. Everyone just ignores it as much as possible. It's amazing how quickly they can turn it off.

If rewards and time outs aren't working, try taking away a privilege or a favorite toy. You might want to go over the rules with him and then tell him that he'll get x warnings if he breaks the rules and then something will get taken away.

[Unregistered]

Thanks, he's not the oldest, I have another one that is almost a year older then the other child is one month younger. I have gone over the rules many many times, he definetly knows the rules and what's expected of him. That's basically what I do is when he starts yelling or throwning his attitude around I simply tell him it's not ok and I place him in the timeout area and tell him when he's done we'll talk the he can come out. It's very frustrating. What benefit will a preschool setting give him opposed to what he gets here other than alot more kids? We do "preschool" here too.

[kitkat]

Preschool outside the home is more about socialization than anything eslse. Having more kids in a class will add the element of peer pressure and appropriate peer role modeling. Plus it would be a change of environment, which could be beneficial for the child.

Although I do preschool activities here, I still sent my son to an outside preschool. That way he got to socialize with other kids and he and I had a break from each other. It was the best decision! I only have a small group, so I was able to transport without a problem. The other kids thought it was pretty cool to take him to school and pick him up. Since you've had the child since he was 15 months, he might see you as a second mom. That's a good thing, but it also means he'll act up more for you than someone else.