How Much Should You Tell Parents About Child’s Behavior???

[broncomom1973]

I really dont know how much I should tell parents about their child's behavior. When my oldest dd went to daycare, the provider never said anything "bad" about her behavior. She did tell me that dd never went to timeout. Back then dd was very, very shy, and well behaved so I believe that she probably didnt ever get into too much trouble. Having said that, I give a pretty detailed report of the childrens day to each parent and am wondering how much I should tell them about their childs behavior.

I have a 3-1/2 yr old dcg who started in October. She is a "princess". No other siblings and until Oct. had been home with her mom full-time. She does good as far as coming in the mornings (unlike another dcb), but she is seriously giving me stress. As a princess, she thinks she can do what she wants. This a.m., dad brings her with a duck necklace filled with bubbles. After he leaves, I ask her to please go put it on the counter or place it in her bag. She says "NO!" She did finally put it on the counter after I told her that I was going to have to tell her mom and dad that she isnt listening to me. After breakfast, we go in the bathroom to wash our hands and then I hand her a wet paper towel to wipe her face off (she doesnt like me doing it) and of course she says "NO" she is NOT going to wipe her face. Yesterday, she wouldnt eat lunch (usually eats 3X what everyone else eats). I served fried fish, chicken flavored rice-a-roni, peas, and then gave everyone some cottage cheese (since they werent eating the fish) and when I went to serve her pineapple there were no "open" spots on her divided plate other than the area where she had eaten 1/2 of the cottage cheese and so I put it there and she threw a fit.... whining, crying. I was like "deal with it". I am not going to cater to "princess" anymore. She picks on the youngest dcb here. I see her taking things from him and then when she knows I saw it she tells me he needs to tell her please before she will give it back. Im like "NO, you took it from him, you give it back". Her parents really believe she is a princess and I dont know how much of what I tell them they will believe.

How much do you tell parents? Should I just **** it up and deal with her disrespectfulness or should I mention it to them and hope that they can straighten her up???

[dEHmom]

Me personally I do a monthly report. I make note of anything important that should be included in the report, mostly trying to keep it positive, with information about their strengths, and anything noted about things they need to work with their child on.


Daily, I tell parents about anything funny, concerning (which they should know about), but if timmy needed time out for throwing a toy, well I often wouldn't tell them that. ykwim?

[MN Day Mom]

Sounds like Princess could use some serious discipline. I don't share everything yucky with my parents...but if I am feeling frustrated with a child's behavior that is typically when I will share. Not ever sharing some of the yucky frustrating things will just make the parents think that Princess is behaving wonderfully... and then when you do finally share, they are going to wonder why this behavior 'suddenly' is happening.... or why you didn't share with them earlier before things got worse.

I agree... some things don't need to be shared.... my daykids tend to tattle on themselves at pick up time and I am so often saying...."shhhh not something we have to share"

[marniewon]

If they "made" her be a princess, chances are that they aren't going to help "fix" her now.

Personally, I wouldn't put up with her disrespect. She would be playing alone a lot, sitting in time out a lot, getting toys/privileges taken away.

As far as how much of the bad behavior we tell parents, I'd love to know what everyone else does also. I hate to talk to the parents for 10 minutes a day about all that jr did wrong, but if it were my child, I'd like to know what my child was doing so i could work on it at home also. Unfortunately, too many parents these days won't work on things at home as the child is the boss, not the parents.

Just to clarify, I don't tell the parents everything. I might pick one or two behaviors, if they were really bad and I thought the parents might work with the child on, and tell the parents that. Some days I'll just say, "it was a Monday" when they ask if they were "good".

[wash]

I look at it as it's my job to discipline them throughout the day for all the somewhat everyday distrubance that they may have had and the parent should expect that their child in a group setting with other children their childs age will have times that their child acts out and has to be disciplined. I would think that after working all day the last thing I would want to hear is how misbehaving my child was on that day.

however if it is a reacurring problem and/or it seems he is having the same exact behavior at home also that you would want to communicate with the parents to see how they deal with it or so you both can come up with a way to deal with it together.

and I always tell the parents of everything good that their child has done as to lighten their mood if they have had a not so good day at their employment.

[Christian Mother]

I had a little girl in my care who was 4 and was a princess too. She had other siblings though and had a controlling personality as does her father. What changed a lot of the behavior is giving her a little more positive feedback through the day. I noticed she had to complete with a lot of the other children so I would single her out in such a way that I made her my helper and made such a big deal out of it. As far as bring jewelry or toys in today care. There is a limit to what I will go to allowing them. It starts with the parents bc they are oking it into my home and when they come into my home it becomes my responsibility so If I feel that this thing can harm or cause problems I address it right away in front of the parents so they can help me with the child fussing over it. Most times they take it back with them into the car. I had a little guy come in with a yellow balloon. It was small so it wouldn't pop and bc he allowed everyone to have turns and understood that he would get it back it wasn't a problem and now it's placed in his backpack. Once it becomes a problem I won't allow toys to come to my daycare. But in a since I use it as a learning tool to share our toys no matter where they are coming from. I want them to feel secure that it's ok to allow others to play with there toys. The kids are getting really good at it. It's def. good when they are single children expecting a sibling!!

[TBird]

I try not to tell every little thing, but yes I'd mention this. Sounds like something I'd want to "nip in the bud" before "La princessa" thinks she has the run of the place!

[Blackcat31]

I rarely give parents a play by play account of what happened at daycare during the day because what happens here is handled here. Unless it is a serious offense, I keep it at daycare since I do not expect a parent to punish their child for something they did here no more than I am willing to punish for something that happened at home.

In your situation, I would mention to the parent that you and the child are having some listening/behavior problems and ask if anything is different at home with her listening skills since home life does affect the whole child. I would expect that they may have a talk with her but if they choose not to, the only thing you could do is just stay consistent with your rules at daycare and not buy into her "princessness". Stay firm and consistent and she will pick up on the fact that you are not changing the world for her and will not tolerate her being mean to others or disrupting lunch. If she chooses not to eat it is her choice.

Personally, I think if you lay all this out to the parents, they may not think you are treating "her royal highness" in a royal enough way...kwim? As a parent, I tried really hard not to make excuses for my child but it is hard not too when someone else is caring for them and we are having mommy guilt so we only hear that they (our kid) is not getting what they want and are sad/unhappy and that makes us (mommy) sad and unhappy so...see where this is going?

I have many kids who get completely different caregiving styles at home than what I give them and they have no problem adapting to the rules at my house vs the rules at home. Kids are pretty smart so they will figure it out quickly too if you are consistent and firm about your rules and expectations.

[SilverSabre25]

I will mention specific issues or a general trend I've been seeing--so, things like, "We had a couple of hitting incidents today" or "He's been having a lot of trouble with transitions lately" or "She's been having a hard time after waking up from nap all week." Once I mentioned to a dcm that I'd noticed her son getting more and more attached to his blankie (like, beyond what I thought was a healthy or developmentally normal/appropriate attachment).

I then give the parent a chance to comment or ask for more elaboration, and go on from there. Even when I've had a rough day with a child I *rarely* say so unless there's something I think that the parents need to be dealing with or aware of...'cause honestly some days a child will have a tough time because *I* let our schedule get wonky or *I* didn't do a good enough job handling something, or something like that.

[ninosqueridos]

I tell the parents a lot I think. Maybe too much. ....both the positives and negatives of the day (if any). They know (at least I hope they do) that it's out of love and the fact that we should work together on xyz behavior.

I usually just indicate the things that are recurring and not that *one* time their kid snatched a toy from someone, kwim? I don't want to be taking trips to the Tattle Turtle either

[AfterSchoolMom]

I was actually just wondering about this myself. I have one that's only been here two weeks, and if I told them all of the bad things that happened, I'd have done nothing but complain at pickup for the last 9 days in a row.

[daycare]

I am not much on time out, I usually try to help the child correct their bad decision making in other ways.

The only time that I tell parents (if the child does not tell on themself) is if they get a time out. If that happens, the parents know that something bad happened.

Also, if I have a child that is normally very well behaved and all of a sudden starts acting up I will talk to the parents..

[momatheart]

After she gets there just tell her to place her crown in the box it is not welcomed here, LOL :::::: Just kidding.



I would just be strict with the rules and the rules are the rules. She is at that sheet tastic stage. ( put in apropriate swear word) Three year olds are challenging. She is close enough to 4 I would give her special jobs.

[Unregistered]

Parents complain when they think we "complain" about their children

Sorry this is going to be very long!

From my experience you have to be careful with what you say to parents or else they complain that you are "complaining" about their child too much!

As an afternoon teacher I'm the one that usually has to talk to parents about their child's day and if there are any accident/incident reports to sign, I'm the one that has to explain the situation that happened. This is my 5th year working as an afternoon teacher and there have been only 3 complaints about me "complaining" about someones child. And each time has been very annoying to me!

The first one I got was 3 years ago. There was this little girl who was, for the most part, a very sweet, loving, happy little girl! I loved having her in our class. She was very good at listening and was very smart and usually would help me out. I also loved her mom (or at least at first)! She was the type of mom that wanted to talk to me about her daughter's day and was overall, a very nice and friendly lady. At first I felt really comfortable with talking to her about her daughter. I would tell her about the silly things she did and asked if she would do some of these things at home and sometimes we would share a good laugh. However, after a while her daughter started having a biting issue. It first started out with her getting a few biting incident reports a week and then mom seemed to get really concerned. She would ask me about if she had been trying to bite, what is she doing when this happens, and so on. I'm an honest person and if she asked me a question I was going to answer it for her. On days that she didn't bite, I told her she had an awesome day. On the days that she bit, her mom had to sign a form so I had to talk to her about it but I would try to tell her something positive about her day. One time her daughter bit because a friend put their finger in her mouth and she bit down. When I talked to mom that day about it, I told her I feel bad that that happened. After all, her friend decided to stick their finger in her mouth! I was starting to feel bad for the mom because I know she wasn't happy about having a biter and she was afraid her daughter might get kicked out. So I was trying to work with her and so was the morning teacher. I watched her daughter carefully to figure out why it was happening or when it was happening the most. Part of it was because of frustration because she wanted to play by herself and her friends didn't want to leave her alone. So in those situations the friends bugging her were getting in trouble. However, as soon as I had to start doing diaper changes all heck breaks loose because the little ones know I can't leave the changing table.

But anyways lets get to the end. Mom took her daughter to the doctor and found out she was teething. So mom brought some children's Tylenol for her, and told us that if she tries to bite, to give her some. Well we had no problem with that but where I work we have to have the parents sign a sheet each time we give their child medicine and explain why we gave it. Well one week she was doing great (went home with good reports) and then afternoon she tried to bite (this was the first time this week). Well I gave her some medicine and about 45 minutes later dad comes to pick up. Well I had to have him sign the sheet and I explained to him about how his wife told me that if she tries to bite to get her some medicine. He signed the sheet, and then I told him about how besides that one incident she had a great day! She was sharing toys (for the most part) and playing nicely with friends. Then I told him and the little girl goodbye and to have a great evening. Well the next day I came to work and the morning teacher told me that the parents are upset because they feel like they only hear about negative things and nothing good. I won't lie because that did tick me off! I'm sorry that their child has a biting issue and that mom asks me lots of questions and I answer then truthfully. I'm sorry that when she does bite I have to talk to them about it and have them sign a sheet. So the morning teacher told me about how I need to watch what I say and always try to state as many positive things as possible. Well after that talk, I never gave their child medicine again because I was afraid they would think I was complaining about their daughter being horrible. I also "lied" to them every time they asked about if she had been trying to bite and so on. And I felt bad for the little girl because her mouth hurt and I was afraid to deal with it anymore. Thankfully, we only had her for about 2 more months and then was moved up and then she was done with her teething. I was sad to have her move up because she really was a great child besides the biting incidents. When ever I saw the little girl I would also say hi and talk to her. Sometimes I would see her when mom was their to pick up and the little girl would run up to me and give me a hug or wave and smile.

Then I was complaint free until this year (both of these deal with pregnant moms). Well I this year I have a little boy who will actually be 2 this month. He has been her since he was a baby and I knew the afternoon baby room teacher fairly well. And everyone in the daycare knew this little boy was somewhat like a bully. Other teachers would see it walking by the baby room. They would see this little boy hit others, pull hair, take toys, and so on. Well they finally moved him up to the toddler 1 room and he at first he didn't pick on anyone but then it started up again. When he got in trouble he would pitch huge temper tantrums. His mom told us to just put him in a soft area to throw a fit. Well after the summer they moved him to my room where he was the oldest. We also got the little boy that this boy use to be very mean to. This boy is no saint! He gives me and the morning teacher a hard time! He doesn't listen worth a darn and likes to be mean to friends. However, when mom would pick up I wouldn't say anything bad unless, he was pitching a fit and he was in time out for something. But that was because mom would ask why he was in a timeout. But I would also say something, "but overall it was a good day" and always with a smile. Well one day he was being horrible! All morning long he had a hard time with hitting and not listening. He was finding it funny when he hurt a friend. He didn't improve that afternoon and that afternoon we were suppose to have an afternoon meeting with all the teachers. And we don't get paid after 5:30 so at 5:00 the director wanted us to go to the multi age room so she could talk to all of us as the children are getting picked up. And this also gave her the time to talk to parents. The meeting was about how 2 daycares in the area were in trouble. One daycare was taping children to chairs and the other one had a baby that was dropped. That teacher never told the parents what happened and the baby wasn't being really responsive. So the parents had to rush the baby to the hospital and it had to be life flighted some where else.

So the director wanted to go over with us about our rules (everyone was already following them). She also wanted us to tell her if we were concerned about any children and if we were she would talk to the parents and so on. Well it was 4:45 and it was time to clean up. One teacher was doing some last minute diaper changes and I was cleaning up the toys. I asked the kids to help me clean up and if they didn't want to, they needed to sit/play on the mat gently. Well this one little boy didn't want to help me clean up and wanted to keep dragging toys out. I kept asking him nicely to stop and I did this over and over and over again! He wouldn't stop so I put him on a time out for almost 2 minutes. After time out I had a talk with him, telling him that play time is over and that he needs to sit/play by his friends on the mat and he said "okay" (he can talk a little bit). Well I was putting away the last toy that was out and as I turned around I see the little boy starting to drag the toys out! At this point I raised my voice a little bit and used a sterner tone with him and said, "No sir *the boys name*, we are not getting the toys out. It is time to clean up". I wasn't screaming at him but of course mom walks in right after that. He son has trucks in his hands and then puts them down and runs to mom. I tried to talk to mom but she grabbed her son and rushed out the door. The director tried to say hi and mom still walked right past her. This mom is about 6 months pregnant at this point and I felt bad. The director comes in to ask what happened and the other teacher in the room spoke up first before I could. She explained that the boy wasn't listening repeatedly and that he had already taken a time out, and so on. The director looked shocked and then ran to catch up with mom. Then the director came back and said that the mom said, she knows that her son is a bad kid and that it is upsetting to hear someone telling her son "no" or "that isn't nice" almost every day.

I of course felt horrible because I don't want a parent to feel bad, especially a parent that is pregnant. The next day when she came in to pick up her son, I did apologize and told her that I didn't mean to make her upset. His mom explained to me that it was okay and joked with me saying that she thought her hormones may have got the best of her. And since then her and I still talk and we try to work through things. She has loosened up a bunch. Her son still has issues acting out and he has a bad habit of hitting (he hits teachers now) but I don't mention that unless there is a report that has to be signed. I don't even tell her about how sometimes I have come home and found a bruise on me from when he got angry and started to pitch a fit. I would just rather not make her upset.

And the last one just happened yesterday. I came into the classroom and the morning teacher was not happy with me. She was telling me that a parent came in crying saying that she felt that her daughter was welcome her and that she was bombarded with complaints lately. She even stated that was thinking about taking her child else where. (this parent is also pregnant). Of course I felt bad hearing this and thought about Thursday and I quickly figured out who it had to have been. After all, there was only one parent I had to talk to about an incident (a biting incident). It was the end of the day and I had only 2 children left and it was this little girl (she isn't usually the 2nd to last to leave) and the little boy that is the late leaver. Well the other afternoon teacher (the toddle 1 room afternoon teacher. We combine at the end to help each other out with cleaning) took the 2 kids with her on a walk. Especially since the little girl was upset (she obviously was upset because she felt like she should have been gone already). Well I gathered up the walkie talkies and the report that the bitee's parent had to sign, along with a sheet I was handed to fill out. I took the other report (the girl's bite report) and the daily sheets along.

Mom actually came into the office to drop off a check before going to get her daughter. There we 4 of us teachers in there (the closer, the closer's adult daughter who also works there, the floating teacher/cook, and me) and the floater spoke up after everyone of us said hi. The floater asked the mom if her daughter had been fussy at home lately. The mom told her that he daughter has been perfectly fine. Then the floater went on to say that the daughter had been giving the morning teacher a real hard time lately with being fussy. Especially when she doesn't get all the attention she wants and so on. Well keep in mind, I still need to tell mom about the bite report that happened that afternoon. So after the floater was done, I spoke up and told mom her daughter had a good day besides one bite incident. I told mom what happened and I told her that I talked to her daughter about how biting isn't nice and how we need to wait our turn to shut the play fridge door. And this is one of those moms that I have felt very comfortable talking to and she would sometimes joke with us and everything about what she would do at home. I also told her about how she was trying to share the only baby doll in the room with this one little boy who that is all he likes to play with. I told her how her daughter would take it at first, then the boy would cry. And then I told the girl to give it back nicely because the boy was said and she would. I told mom how proud I was of her doing that. Well mom went back to the fussy issue right before she left the office. Well the floater started to joke about how the morning teacher has spoiled the little girl and one other little boy with love and then jokingly called them little love monsters. Mom was out of the room at this point, I didn't say anything about that and left the office to grab my stuff and take the little boy for a walk so the other teacher could leave.

Well yesterday morning the mom came in crying (like I said) and spoke with the morning teacher and the director. The director didn't say anything to me (but then again I never saw her) but the other little boy the floater was talking about is the director's son. Well I ran into the floater later to talk with her about the situation. And she said the director didn't say anything to her and that when she ran into the director they were joking around. I'm still worried and feel horrible! I feel horrible that the mother doesn't feel like her daughter is welcomed, when in fact, I love her daughter! Yes her daughter has her moments and can be sassy. She is also a little girl who needs her sleep and if she doesn't get it you can forget about her doing anything. Her mom and I have talked/joked about this before. But I have talked to her mom many of times about some awesome/cute things he daughter does and how she is going around daycare getting boyfriends left and right. And since her mom has seemed to being open to talking, I have also pointed out when I was concerned about her daughter being fussy. But this is usually only if other children have been getting sick and I do it, not because I want to complain, but that I just want them to be aware about the behavior. And that if it is happening at home, maybe she needs to go to the doctor to see if she is sick. If anything, her daughter is the last one that I want to leave our classroom! But I also feel like you can't tell parents that because then that makes the other children look horrible and that isn't fair.

Well after talking with the floater, I saw one of the other teachers that was in the office at the moment this incident happened. I told her what the mom told the morning teacher and everything. She told me that I shouldn't worry about it because to her, she could tell mom wasn't having the best day already and that she thinks that fact that she is pregnant may also be why she got upset easily. And yesterday the other teacher handed the mom the sheet because her daughter was fussy again about being the 2nd to last to leave. So that teacher took her for a walk again while I finished up doing some flashcards with the little boy. Him and I went to the end of the hall to get his jacket on and get his nap stuff ready to go when the mom walked down to get her daughter's stuff. Let me tell you now it was awkward and we didn't really talk. Her daughter wanted to wear the little boy's jacket after mom already got her daughter's on. I told her little girl that she didn't really want a little boys jacket anyways, because it wasn't as pretty as her's. I told them to have a good evening and a great weekend and to stay warm. But that was about it. Then I ran into the floater and she asked me if mom really spoke to me and I told her no. Then the floater told me that the mom just stared at her =/

So long story short, when dealing with parents you should basically just try to keep them happy. If they are having a bad day but it isn't as bad as usual, you just have to tell them she had a good day.

[Unregistered]

I look at it as it's my job to discipline them throughout the day for all the somewhat everyday distrubance that they may have had and the parent should expect that their child in a group setting with other children their childs age will have times that their child acts out and has to be disciplined. I would think that after working all day the last thing I would want to hear is how misbehaving my child was on that day.

however if it is a reacurring problem and/or it seems he is having the same exact behavior at home also that you would want to communicate with the parents to see how they deal with it or so you both can come up with a way to deal with it together.

and I always tell the parents of everything good that their child has done as to lighten their mood if they have had a not so good day at their employment.

I agree, after a long day, i wouldn't want to hear that either. But if it's going on on all day, I would NEED to hear it because if my kid is acting up so badly in daycare it's rude, disruptive or hurtful in any way to others, things need to be handled before it escalates. So as a parent, sure I wouldn't want to hear it, but I'd expect to hear it if necessary