What Should I Do About Her?

[Hunni Bee]

I have a dcg who WILL NOT TALK. She has never talked to me in the two months I've had her. Her mother works at the center as well, and at one time was in my room assisting me, so when she first started she would "talk" to her mother and then her mother would relay what she "said" to me. Her mother is no longer in the room on a regular basis...so she doesnt talk. At circle time and during play with other kids, I see her mouth moving but....yesterday was the first time I'd even heard her voice. I heard a voice singing really softly that I didnt recognize and I looked around and realized it was her....

The problem (besides the obvious problem of her being 4 years old and not talking) is that if she needs help, she will just sit there until I notice. I can only ask her yes or no questions so that she can nod, shake her head or point. Yesterday she needed help wiping after a bm, so she just sat on the toilet until I noticed she hadnt came to snack yet. Today, she wet herself twice...I dont know why she wet herself, but i had to follow the puddles on the floor to find out. At meals, she will just stare at her empty plate if she's done or wants seconds.

Her family is homeless (lives in a hotel) and there other issues going on. I know her not talking is connected to that somehow, but I also think she is comfortable with how she communicates. She has bm and wetting accidents at least once a week, and it doesnt seem bother her...Im sure she needs some help, but what can I do on my end?

[Abigail]

Awww, that is so sad! About the other issues and being homeless. The family should be able to get free help from the county for speech therapy. If she wets herself often I would recommend to require pull ups. I would spend more time with her one on one and reward her for when she speaks instead of pointing. Make notes of all these things that happen. Do you have her in room with others who talk and are her age? Does she talk or whisper to them? Does she have any delays?

I never spoke until after I was three so I was enrolled in a Head Start program with other 3 and 4 year olds. I stayed in there for 2 1/2 years and have not quite talking yet! My problem was that my older siblings knew what I wanted when I pointed and mumbled and my pronounciation was terrible. My sister's name is "Stacie" yet I called her "Hye Hye".

[Michael]

A couple other threads on kids that won't talk. https://www.daycare.com/forum/tags.php?tag=won%27t+talk

[Meyou]

Poor darling. She sounds like she's having a rough time. Does she trust you enough to whisper? I have one very, very shy DCB that was a very late talker and even now at 4 if he's stressed or upset he starts to shake and can't get the words out. But if I take him aside and hug him, tell him its ok to talk to me and that I can't help him without his words he will usually whisper to me at that point.

If I was in your shoes I would encourage her to whisper if loud words are hard and just keep explaining that everyone must use their words to tell others what they need and are feeling. I can see her stress but I also see adults in her life that have taught her that she doesn't really need to talk to get what she wants and she needs to unlearn that. I would also give heaps of praise whenever she's brave enough to use any words at all even the singing.

One thing that works well with my kids to encourage behavior they are having trouble with is to make a point to praise them after the fact so they know I appreciate their efforts. I pull them aside and talk privately to them. For example: "DCB, remember this morning when you took your dishes to the sink without being asked? Thank you so much for working so hard to remember the rules. You're growing up into such a helpful young man." This always, always brings smiles from ear to ear and they look so full of pride that it makes my heard melt.

[SilverSabre25]

I like the advice the others offered.

Please don't make it a power struggle or punish her in any way for not talking, though. She is probably going through a LOT and you're right, she does probably need help. Ask her questions, try to elicit a response, ask her if she wants to share a story during circle time, or whisper to you if she has something to share, or something, but ask once and move on.

What you can do on your end is refer her/the family for help from the state or whoever. There are agencies that will help families in need, and hers definitely sounds like they fit the bill--at least for therapy/speech therapy/something for the child. You can also focus on providing a very safe, stable, loving environment for her, giving her encouragement to talk, giving her openings, but do NOT try to FORCE her to talk.

[dEHmom]

Honestly, I don't have much for advice, but I highly highly highly recommend reading this book

Ghost Girl by Torey Hayden



true story, it's a really short read, I read it in 2 days. mute girl, who wasn't actually mute. They just assumed she was because she never talked. But there's lots of interesting stuff in there. Not saying this is your situation, but it's got some great advice on how the teacher got her to start talking and "trusting" the teacher enough to do so.

[Hunni Bee]

I actually heard her talking today...she gets along well with other girls, because they have kind of adopted her as their "baby", she kinda submits to their bossiness but it helps her be more verbal in play...its not her play that concerned about.

Its her unwillingness to communicate her needs. Sometimes she does get pushed around by other kids, but I have noticed that other kids will usually intervene on her behalf. They like to take care of her, which I'm proud of. But she's really not a sad, shy kid. She seems pretty happy most of time. Its just that it seems she doesnt think she needs to talk. Her needs are being provided without verbalization from her, and she's comfortable with it. I have a pretty rowdy bunch, and I always fear overlooking her...so she gets a lot of attention and her needs attended to quickly.

I definitely dont punish her for not talking, but...I kind of want it not to be so easy for her go through her day nodding and pointing.

I "invented" the Speaking Ball the other day for Circle Time...everybody gets a turn to hold it and tell a story...it really helped another little guy who didnt talk much, he loves to hold the ball and tell a funny little story...my girlie never wants to hold it though

[nannyde]

I've never had this before. I can't get mine to be quiet.

If she talks at home with her Mom can you ask mom to video tape it so you can see it? Maybe she can video it on her cell phone and send it to you? That way you could know what she CAN do and take it from there.

[Childminder]

I was probably the shyest child on the planet and did not talk to non family. Used to hide under tables and even my moms dress for hours. I out grew it but was probably was in high school before that happened. Hopefully for her sake this isn't happening with her. I do make up for it now though, my husband says I can get the life story out of every stranger I meet in just a few minutes.

[QualiTcare]

i have nothing helpful to add that hasn't been said - but i think the situation sounds pretty sad.

am i the only one who is thinking....a hotel costs a lot more than rent? even a cheap motel costs more than you could rent an apartment for. just sounds weird.

[jen]

i have nothing helpful to add that hasn't been said - but i think the situation sounds pretty sad.

am i the only one who is thinking....a hotel costs a lot more than rent? even a cheap motel costs more than you could rent an apartment for. just sounds weird.

The problem that alot of homeless families face when trying to rent an apartment is coming up with the money all at one. A cheap hotel will rent to you on a weekly basis...an apartment needs the first months rent, plus a deposit, and often times a registration fee for each adult in the family...

The alternative is to live in a shelter until you can save up enough money to rent a place. Sadly, family shelters are few and far between with a looonnnggg waiting list. The waiting list for section 8 housing is a long wait as well, upwards of one year in my area.

[momofsix]

i have nothing helpful to add that hasn't been said - than rent? even a cheap motel costs more than you could rent an apartment for. just sounds weird.

I used to think the same thing!
Hotels can offer VERY cheap rates to those that are homeless, much less than any rate we could get. And I would doubt they're staying at a Hilton or anything like that! Sometimes the hotels are even paid for by agencies that help the homeless.

[jen]

Sometimes the hotels are even paid for by agencies that help the homeless.

Yep to this!

[QualiTcare]

interesting - i didn't know agencies paid for hotels on any long term basis. i've heard of emergency shelters during a disaster or something like that - but even the cheapest roach motels that i've ever come accross are at least 40 bucks a night. you'd think it would be more cost effective even for an agency to set them up in an apartment.

[momatheart]

I had a girl in my class who would not talk much and this year I have to tell her to be quiet. I think too once they find their place within the class that helps too with them to talk more.

Next time she is playing with something sit down next her and smile and tell her you are glad she is there today. These little bits of validation may help her to talk to you. Then another day if you see her coloring ask her do you like purple or green? This is not a yes or no question. I would also ask her questions that were open ended. Sometimes she may just sit there. Eventually she will come around.

( I do feel as well that her home life is playing into this)

I encourage all the children to use their words. We had one girl who would always come and stand in front of us to zip her coat we had told her to use her words to ask us what she wanted. Other kids would say can you zip my coat please and we would zip theirs first. At times even now she will still stand infront of us then after about 2 or 3 kids asking us she remembers to use her words. I would say I would love to thank you for using your words.

I will at circle time go around and ask each child a question that is NOT a yes or No question and some can answer them and some cant.