Is This Withholding Food?

[Pestle]

I have a nearly-4yo who is showing anxiety and aggression. He only wants things that other kids already have, then dissolves into shrieks when negative consequences happen. Right now he's facedown on the floor, moaning "No" over and over, because I picked his snack up.

The situation: DCG sat down. DCB decided he liked that chair better and went to shove her out of it. I stopped him and told him he had two choices: Eat at the place I had set for him, or go sit in the big chair and skip snack (I have a couple of full-size chairs in the dining room during daycare time, which I sit in). He chose option 3: lie facefirst on the floor, chanting "No" and "Leave me alone." He's creeping around, getting up to everybody's knees and then telling them to leave him alone. So I've picked his food up from the table and can't decide if I need to leave the food available to him, because he needs a chance to eat if he can get his emotions in check, or remove it, because he was told three times what the expectations were and he is creeping around the floor, annoying the other kids.

Does he get removed from the room and offered a snack later on, because he needs time to adjust and needs a snack to level out his behavior?

Or is it "You had your chance, you knew the expectations, and you don't get to harass us and still get me to serve you whenever you feel like it?"

On Friday he sank down in his chair so he could shove the other kids with his feet, then had a shrieking meltdown and had to leave the room when told to go eat alone at the other table.

[Jo123ABC]

I would make him sit in the designated chair away from the other kids and tell him "you can sit here until you're ready to eat. Your snack will be here (indicate) until snack time is over. He's s doing it for attention. I wouldn't let him challenge my authority and irritate other kids. When snack time is over... Tough beans! He had the option. You also can't force or coerce so...

I wouldn't consider it withholding food. I think food program says meal times are supposed to be 15 min. I would make sure he has the option to eat during that time or whatever time you allow for snacks and then put it away

[Pestle]

With this kid, the first intervention results in hysterical shrieking, and I don't allow that in the same space as the other kids, so he has to step through the gate into the playroom, where he lies in the doorway and screams at us. That's how we spent lunch on Friday, hooray!

So I guess I just need to make it clear in advance that he can eat with us if he doesn't shove or push the other kids, and that he can't eat with us while he's screaming. After that, I'll leave the food sitting out, with the unfortunate knowledge that he is probably not going to stop screaming as long as he sees the other kids have food.

[Jo123ABC]

Ugh... Sounds terrible.:hug: have you had him in your care for a long time? Is this new behavior?

[Meeko]

You are required to OFFER snack.
You offered it. In a designated chair.
He refused.
Done.

[Blackcat31]

You are required to OFFER snack.
You offered it. In a designated chair.
He refused.
Done.

This. ^^

I wouldn't allow him to be in the same room as the others who are eating. He is choosing to be disruptive.

[Cat Herder]

You are required to OFFER snack.
You offered it. In a designated chair.
He refused.
Done.

Same.

And removed from group for duration of snack.

For the same reason BC stated.

[Pestle]

He has been with me for well over a year, but one of the parents walked out a few months ago and has minimal contact with him. He also has a younger sibling who is progressing in leaps and bounds while his development seems to be on the lower end of the curve, which could be because he's older and the other one is younger, but I think the net effect is that he sees her as a threat. All of which could just be me reading into the situation. But he is on a hair trigger these days and I know I don't help it when I get tetchy because I'm tired of the way he bullies the other kids. He deserves a better attitude from me.

[Blackcat31]

He has been with me for well over a year, but one of the parents walked out a few months ago and has minimal contact with him. He also has a younger sibling who is progressing in leaps and bounds while his development seems to be on the lower end of the curve, which could be because he's older and the other one is younger, but I think the net effect is that he sees her as a threat. All of which could just be me reading into the situation. But he is on a hair trigger these days and I know I don't help it when I get tetchy because I'm tired of the way he bullies the other kids. He deserves a better attitude from me.

I think there is a lot to be said about that thought process.

We (general we, as adults) know his life is anything but normal but he doesn't really know what it should or shouldnt be kwim?

We know there has been a change and he knows but he doesn't really know it's impact or the reason...just that there is change. Change isn't always bad.

I would definitely be patient with him but I wouldn't give him any free passes on disturbing or bothering others. No matter what a child is going through they should never be allowed to be trouble to others. I am not implying that you are letting him, I am trying to help you feel less guilty about having to be the bad guy. :hug:

[Josiegirl]

Even knowing the dck is going through a lot of difficult changes in his life which he's probably having a hard time processing, it's still important to keep the same rules and expectations with him as with everyone else. Done with patience, compassion and loving kindness(which all of those can be difficult to maintain when a child is pushing buttons to the max), he will get it eventually, as he matures and works through to accept his life as it is now.
To answer your original question, no, I don't feel you're with-holding food. It was offered. He couldn't get it together to calm down or behave so he could eat. Is there any way you can figure out reasons for his behavior crashing at certain times, designate a separate place so he can't annoy anyone physically, but still be part of the group? I'm not saying separating him at that moment is a bad idea but I can only imagine it's not making his issues any better either. I'm not sure what the answer is, except feeding him after the others are all done and left the table, which I've done a few times. I know when a child gets like that here, I tend to be patient for only so long then I start to lose it. I know what I need to do is hold myself together so I can help them find their way back but dang it, it's hard to do sometimes, especially if it's the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
Good luck with this dcb, he sounds like a challenging one.

[Pestle]

Thanks so much for your support and suggestions, guys.

My little man, who permanently lost a parent this year, settles down once he's pulled out of the group. He's younger and his behaviors, while more toddler-wild, affect the other kids less. He flails and roars from the other side of the gate and they smirk and get on with their activities, and eventually he tells me that he's happy and ready to play again. He's gotten good lately about coming to me for a hug and snuggle when he's on the cusp of aggression.

This bigger guy, though, is not responding to the same "Separate immediately so everybody is safe and you can calm down" tool I pull out when he hassles the little ones. He goes bonkers when separated, whether it's in the adjacent room or just to a table by himself. He pushes back into the main space, which is a problem because I'm trying to teach the little ones to respect the gates, and he shrieks at maximum volume, and maintains it until we transition to the next activity. It leaves everybody rattled. When I try to discuss it afterward, he doesn't seem to grasp the cause and effect, and he seems to expect that howling "But I WANT to" will eventually get him what he wants (like the toy another kid already had). I do affirm "Yes; you want that toy" while stating the rules of respect, but he doesn't acknowledge what I'm saying and I'm not sure if he isn't listening or just not processing. Maybe a few more weeks will get us into a new cognitive place and we'll start to see an improvement.

The parent is great to work with, the kid is great when not having a meltdown, and with a sibling they are 1/2 my enrollment and I'm not looking to make a change right now.