Need Help With A Letter Please (Long)

[snbauser]

Okay, I have a child that I need to write a letter to the parents regarding the need to see behavior improvements or I will need to consider termination. In 8 years I have never terminated for this reason although I did strongly suggest to a parent that this wasn't the right fit for their child and we talked it through and I suggested another provider that has a smaller environment to which she agreed would be better (wow that was a long sentence!). Anyway, this child has been with me for about 6 weeks now. The child is 3 and came from another center. We have had issues since day 1. The child is very physical and very aggressive (and he is a very big 3 so it is even more of an issue).

Child has a very large vocabulary but insists on whining/moaning whenever he wants something, needs something, is upset, etc, etc, etc. We do not respond to his needs when the whines. Finger is always in mouth. When told to do something and the child doesn't like it, all out screaming fits on the floor. These fits were almost all day the first week but have decreased to 3 or 4 times a day. Thinks that no matter who has a toy, if he wants to play with it, he should be allowed. Doesn't listen when the other kids tell him they don't want to play with him, doesn't listen when a teacher tells him to find something else to play with, and then throws a fit when we have to physically pick him up and move him away. When he does play with another child he is very agressive - everything is crash and smash and bang and loud.

Now this past week he has become even more defiant. When I would tell him to do something or to stop doing something he would either tell me "no" or tell me "don't bother me". Of course neither of those answers fly around here and resulted in an immediate loss of whatever he was doing and a time out which of course equaled a screaming temper tantrum. He is also supposedly potty trained at home but refuses to use the potty here. We make him sit several times a day and he throws a fit about going and then sits there and does nothing. We have had about 3 success in 6 weeks. The other days he holds it until he can't hold it anymore and then soaks through his pull up and all his clothes.

Yesterday we had him sitting no less than 2 minutes before this happened. I have verbally discusssed all of this with his parents. I get very little response from dad and mom I think is embarrased by his behavior but doesn't know what to do because her reaction is usually an "eye's to the floor slight chuckly as she admonishes him". I did get a comment last week from mom that the child doesn't listen to her at home and only listens to dad. So I'm sure part of the issue we are dealing with is the female authoritative figures that he has here. So, although some of the behaviors have improved slightly, overall the days are still very stressfull with him here and he is one of my first ones here at 7am and the last one here at 5:30pm.

Not only is it stressfull on my, but I can see how it is impacting the rest of the children as well as my other teachers. So I need to figure out how to address this in a letter to the parents and let them know that the behaviors need to improve by x date or we will need to terminate. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


edited to add - and I need to be very careful about how I handle it for several reasons. 1 - The family lives in my subdivision. 2 - The mom frequents a message board that I regularly visit and get a lot of business from. and 3 - although it shouldn't make a different there could also be a race issue as of my 12 children right now, he is my only African American. This shouldn't make a difference but I don't know the parents well enough to know if they would try to make it an issue.

[Kaddidle Care]

"The child is 3 and came from another center."

What was the reason he left the other center? There's a good chance they were having the same problems with him and termed him.

After 6 weeks, you know what you've got there. To me it's not worth the strife but I'm interested to see what the more experienced caregivers advise you of.

[missnikki]

You need to schedule a sit down meeting with both parents. You have already asked for their attention to these matters and you aren't getting what you want. Time to come at it from a united front angle- make it a team effort. They probably need to have their hands held throughout the parenting process. This sounds very much like a 'training the parents' issue.

No pull-ups. Search the other threads on here about potty training.

He has mastered control of his environment by manipulating those around him into frustration or embarassment. You need to spell out to them exactly what behaviors you are not willing to tolerate. Go over a plan of action that he will receive both at home and in daycare for consistency. You need to tell the parents exactly what steps you will take when this happens, and at the end of the list will be "Contact parent for immediate pickup." and after that, "Suspension from care" and finally, "Termination of care".

Once they see it in writing, and are sitting across from you face to face, they might get that they need to step it up and take it seriously.

[nannyde]

OP,

Can I ask you a question? I've been thinking about your post today and started to respond a few times but I can't get past something. I'm truly asking with a pure heart so I "hope" you can read it that way.

How does a kid with this kind of behavior last past the first day? You said he has been with you for six weeks and I'm wondering what has kept you in this for that long?

I don't have experience with kids like this because I would have seen this in the interview and not taken the kid. If I missed it in the interview I would have expelled him the first day.

Again.....PLEASE don't take this as a criticism because I'm truly asking you something I just can't figure out.

In your eight years of experience have you HAD kids that had this kind of behavior on day one, week two, week five, and then had them make a huge behavioral shift and turned out to be great kids? Have you had experience where kids can be THIS out of control and had measures you took to get the behavior under control within a few weeks?

I just can't imagine having a kid that is this young with this kind of rage and violence and keeping them past the first day.

I'm gobsmacked by the idea that a kid this out of control is even PUT into a group. Do his parents not realize how toxic his behavior is to the adults who have to tolerate it? Do they not GET how awful it is for the other kids to even SEE it much less be a victim of his rage? Do they not CARE about you, your staff, the other kids, the other kids parents?

I just can't figure out why they put him in a group when they know full well he is dangerous. I can't figure out why they would subject adults to his disrespect.

My guess is he was kicked out of the other day care. I could be wrong but I would bet the parents made a conscious decision to place him in yet ANOTHER group of young vulenerable children knowing full well his treatment of the ones he left.

If I am correct then your consideration of them needs to match their consideration of you and the poor kids who are in his classroom.

I think it's time to tell them the truth. Tell them he is rude, violent, aggessive, disrespectful, and a danger to your kids and your staff. Tell them you won't have it another day. Either they get a handle on his behavior immediately or he leaves immediately.

I wouldn't worry a bit about what they think or what the community thinks. They may not agree with you today but they will get it soon enough when he's expelled from the next program and the next. He obviously needs extensive counselling and the parents need intensive parenting assistance. They need to come to the idea that they can't unleash a kid like this onto ANY group. THEY are responsible for making sure that not another kid is subjected to his tantrums, selfishness, and disrespect.

I would be curious as to what THEY have done since the begining... six weeks ago and most likely with the other day care... to address his behavior. Do they think they get to admonish him with a few words while he is being picked up and that's enough? They don't SEE that he is having daily problems and they need immediate action? Have they had him examined by a Doctor? Have they started therapy? Have they started family counselling? Have they taken parenting classes? Did they THINK that it was fair to switch day cares and not TELL you about this behavior BEFORE they started? Did they not THINK to make sure YOU talked with his previous provider BEFORE the child started your care? Did they do everything in their power to make sure that whoever had him was CAPABLE of caring for him? What have THEY done?

At some point we need to start taking a stand with these parents and tell them that we won't have this. If you are going to raise kids like this then YOU get to care for them. If they can't be decent in public then they can't come to our public.

[Kaddidle Care]

What will probably happen is that you will start to get comments from the other parents because, as you know, the little ones do talk to their parents about what goes on. Eventually, you will risk losing one of the good children and be faced with terming him anyway.

It's really sad that we are seeing more and more children like this and they are being shipped from center to center and eventually the public school system is having to police them.

I hope his parents face reality soon.

[GretasLittleFriends]

You are probably best to cut your losses and run. It sounds like it truly is in the best interest for everyone involved. It's hard to do. After this letter, that's what I had to do...

However, I'm not going to tell you how to run your business. Here is the disciplinary letter I wrote back in December...

_________ is now on probation effective immediately. I will continue to monitor his behavior for two weeks. If by January 3rd I see no major improvement he will be terminated from my care.

_________ has had many disciplinary issues at my daycare. He acts in hurtful ways to himself and others and he is extremely disrespectful towards me, my family and my belongings.

Generally speaking he does not take or follow directions well. He does not stay in time out unless forced to do so (me holding him there). He taunts and teases other children.

Specifically today: _______ built a car with Duplo blocks. He set it down and quit playing with it. According to my rules, this is now fair game for any other child to play with, and _______ is well aware of that. **** picked up the car and started playing with it and adding to it. _______ got upset and took blocks away from **** and started yelling at ****. **** in retaliation put his hand over ______ mouth. ______ bit ****'s middle finger on his right hand, breaking the skin and causing it to bleed.
As punishment, ______ was asked to pick the Duplo blocks up by himself and he started throwing them knowing full well that was against my rules.
_______ was sent to the corner but would not stay in the corner.
He kept saying "I don't care" when I tried to explain things to him. I quit trying to reason with him, as he was not ready to behave. He then started saying "I wish I was dead" or "I want to die." All this while he was near (but not properly standing in) the corner.
While near the corner he kept harassing **** as **** tried to clean toys up and put them away in his (****'s) room.
Getting tired of listening to ______ wish death upon himself I figured I'd talk to him about what he wanted to be when he grows up. The idea here was to show him the wonderful things he has to look forward to. When I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up he responded "dead".
After constantly harassing **** and giving up on the death bit, and seeing wrapped presents for daycare children under the Christmas tree he started singing "Who cares about presents. Presents are stupid," repeatedly.
After dinner, when told to get his bedding and go lay on the couch, he did. Then he threw his bedding around and it landed on the floor. He then decided to lay in the middle of the living room floor. When told to get back up on the couch, he just looked at me and said "No."


Corrective action required: ______ needs to behave like a civilized person. I know he is capable of behaving if "he wants to". At my house he needs to behave all of the time.

The consequences of ______ failing to behave frighten me. He has shown blatant disrespect to me and my family. I am fearful that he will take his anger out on me, or worse one of the other children in my care; either purposely or accidentally. I am unwilling to put other children in my care, whether my own or others', in danger because ______ chooses not to behave.

Notice that immediate termination will occur if new behavioral problems arise or failure to correct current behavioral problems within the disciplinary probation period.

The child this letter was regarding is no longer in my care due to behavioral issues. Also... VERY IMPORTANT - MAKE SURE YOU DOCUMENT EVERYTHING SO YOU CAN "PROVE" THAT THERE WERE ISSUES

[nannyde]

You are probably best to cut your losses and run. It sounds like it truly is in the best interest for everyone involved. It's hard to do. After this letter, that's what I had to do...

However, I'm not going to tell you how to run your business. Here is the disciplinary letter I wrote back in December...

_________ is now on probation effective immediately. I will continue to monitor his behavior for two weeks. If by January 3rd I see no major improvement he will be terminated from my care.

_________ has had many disciplinary issues at my daycare. He acts in hurtful ways to himself and others and he is extremely disrespectful towards me, my family and my belongings.

Generally speaking he does not take or follow directions well. He does not stay in time out unless forced to do so (me holding him there). He taunts and teases other children.

Specifically today: _______ built a car with Duplo blocks. He set it down and quit playing with it. According to my rules, this is now fair game for any other child to play with, and _______ is well aware of that. **** picked up the car and started playing with it and adding to it. _______ got upset and took blocks away from **** and started yelling at ****. **** in retaliation put his hand over ______ mouth. ______ bit ****'s middle finger on his right hand, breaking the skin and causing it to bleed.
As punishment, ______ was asked to pick the Duplo blocks up by himself and he started throwing them knowing full well that was against my rules.
_______ was sent to the corner but would not stay in the corner.
He kept saying "I don't care" when I tried to explain things to him. I quit trying to reason with him, as he was not ready to behave. He then started saying "I wish I was dead" or "I want to die." All this while he was near (but not properly standing in) the corner.
While near the corner he kept harassing **** as **** tried to clean toys up and put them away in his (****'s) room.
Getting tired of listening to ______ wish death upon himself I figured I'd talk to him about what he wanted to be when he grows up. The idea here was to show him the wonderful things he has to look forward to. When I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up he responded "dead".
After constantly harassing **** and giving up on the death bit, and seeing wrapped presents for daycare children under the Christmas tree he started singing "Who cares about presents. Presents are stupid," repeatedly.
After dinner, when told to get his bedding and go lay on the couch, he did. Then he threw his bedding around and it landed on the floor. He then decided to lay in the middle of the living room floor. When told to get back up on the couch, he just looked at me and said "No."


Corrective action required: ______ needs to behave like a civilized person. I know he is capable of behaving if "he wants to". At my house he needs to behave all of the time.

The consequences of ______ failing to behave frighten me. He has shown blatant disrespect to me and my family. I am fearful that he will take his anger out on me, or worse one of the other children in my care; either purposely or accidentally. I am unwilling to put other children in my care, whether my own or others', in danger because ______ chooses not to behave.

Notice that immediate termination will occur if new behavioral problems arise or failure to correct current behavioral problems within the disciplinary probation period.

The child this letter was regarding is no longer in my care due to behavioral issues. Also... VERY IMPORTANT - MAKE SURE YOU DOCUMENT EVERYTHING SO YOU CAN "PROVE" THAT THERE WERE ISSUES

I don't know why there is a common understanding that providers need to provide documentation to parents to prove there were issues. I've heard that a lot but I don't really get why.

If the child is a special needs child and there is a plan of care in place and reasonable accomodations made then YES you need the documentation to show that the plan of care and accomodations are not working for the child but in regularly enrolled kids I don't see this as necessary.

I think in the OP's case she can just verbally tell them what she told us and that she isn't going to provide services anymore. We are not obligated to care for kids that we know we can't care for. We don't have to give reasons why. We can but we don't HAVE to.

I don't think it's a bad idea to keep documentation for yourself on the kids behavior but I don't think it has to be given as reasons to the parents.

I see restraunts that say "no shirt, no shoes, no service". Just because someone comes to their door with money to buy a sub sandwhich it doesn't mean they have to allow them to come into the business without shoes.

"No respect, no mind, no service".

It's a good idea in this day and age to spell out in your policies what you expect out of the children too. Not just the parents.

If you are taking kids in that you haven't raised then it may be a good idea to put into your handbook what you expect and what will happen if the child is unable to meet those expectations.

I see way too many providers taking kids into group care who clearly need to be in a single child environment and try to make it work for the money. Once they realize the child is actually costing them money THEN they start focusing on the behaviors with the parents. By then you have sent the message that you WILL keep the kid with the horrible behavior and it is upsetting to the parents when they get their NO.

You are better off telling them from day ONE that you expect the child to be well behaved, respectful, mind adults, be kind and generous to the other kids, no violence, and NOT create chaos to the point that they are having to have an adult just for them.

You are also better off to do the termination BEFORE the parent gets to someone who will give them a "disability" diagnosis. In this day and age it can be done rather quickly if they find a doctor who just wants the consult money. Sad to say but true.

Once they get an ODD, ADD, ADHD diagnosis you end up with a mountain of paperwork and "plans" where in the end you STILL have the same misbehaving kid but now you have to have justification and documentation to dismiss.

Once a kid has been booted out of a couple of day cares you can see the parent WANTING a psychiatric diagnosis because it can be a "get out of jail free" card for having to deal with their kids day care behavior. Once the kid has a diagnosis there is a presumption in society that we will just DO regardless of the cost to us, the other kids, and our business.

[snbauser]

"The child is 3 and came from another center."

What was the reason he left the other center? There's a good chance they were having the same problems with him and termed him.

After 6 weeks, you know what you've got there. To me it's not worth the strife but I'm interested to see what the more experienced caregivers advise you of.

Supposedly the reason he left the other center was his mom felt he needed more structure and a smaller environment. Although I'm beginning to see why. We are pretty structured so I don't see that as the issue.

[snbauser]

OP,

Can I ask you a question? I've been thinking about your post today and started to respond a few times but I can't get past something. I'm truly asking with a pure heart so I "hope" you can read it that way.

How does a kid with this kind of behavior last past the first day? You said he has been with you for six weeks and I'm wondering what has kept you in this for that long?

I don't have experience with kids like this because I would have seen this in the interview and not taken the kid. If I missed it in the interview I would have expelled him the first day.

Again.....PLEASE don't take this as a criticism because I'm truly asking you something I just can't figure out.

In your eight years of experience have you HAD kids that had this kind of behavior on day one, week two, week five, and then had them make a huge behavioral shift and turned out to be great kids? Have you had experience where kids can be THIS out of control and had measures you took to get the behavior under control within a few weeks?

I would be curious as to what THEY have done since the begining... six weeks ago and most likely with the other day care... to address his behavior. Do they think they get to admonish him with a few words while he is being picked up and that's enough? They don't SEE that he is having daily problems and they need immediate action? Have they had him examined by a Doctor? Have they started therapy? Have they started family counselling? Have they taken parenting classes? Did they THINK that it was fair to switch day cares and not TELL you about this behavior BEFORE they started? Did they not THINK to make sure YOU talked with his previous provider BEFORE the child started your care? Did they do everything in their power to make sure that whoever had him was CAPABLE of caring for him? What have THEY done?

Don't worry, no offense taken. During the interview the child was very quiet and well behaved although he didn't want to leave so none of this was apparent at the time.

And yes, in the past I have had children that pose a bit of a challenge in the beginning but usually within a few weeks I see dramatic improvements. I actually have one now that I didn't think I would be able to get through to who is one of my better behaved children. In the past it seems these particular children just needed to learn the rules and the consequences of their actions and that they can't get away with those types of things here. Many of them still gave their parents issues but as soon as they walked in here they knew it won't fly so they changed as soon as the parent was gone. I had one for example that at 2 1/2 refused to even try to put his shoes on when he started here. Within a few weeks and many drawn out temper tantrums and missed outside times he finally figured out that none of the teachers were going to do it for him. If he wanted to play outside then he needed to put his shoes on. After that, no problems putting the shoes on when here. Now when mom came to pick him up he would throw a fit and refuse to put them on for her. I finally just started having him get them on before she got here and the issue was resolved. The child is now a very well behaved Kindergartener.

I also feel that in many preschools/daycares teachers and directors are way too quick to terminate. Especially in instances where there is a dramatic difference in what a parent allows a child to get a way with and what is acceptable in school. Children take time to learn new routines and expectations. I feel that in most cases just passing the child off to someone else to deal with just makes the issue worse each time he is sent somewhere else. So if I get a child like this, I will try everything within my power to make it work. In the past, we have always gotten through the hard times and had an awesome outcome. But this is just my personal opinion.

As far as what his parents are doing - I have no idea. Dad doesn't say much when he picks up or drops off. The only thing he has commented on is the fact that he will use the potty at home so he doesn't understand why he won't here. Although he did say that at home they will make him sit for 30-45 minutes before he goes and he understands that we can't do that here. Mom, well, I mentioned above her reaction.