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Got a barely-3yo whose parents are splitting up. His mom is overwhelmed; she let him eat whatever he wanted when the breakup started, and ended up inadvertently creating a juice cleanse. 
He has always been afraid of the toilet, so I've allowed him to continue in pull-ups. Unfortunately (and this was happening last year, before the breakup), his mom does all self-care for him. She puts on his shoes, changes his clothes, etc. I taught him to put on his own jacket and worked hard to teach him his shoes, which is becoming successful. I had some success getting him to take off and put on his own shorts and pull-up, but he always had anxiety about it and sometimes had to be left to chill in the bathroom (it opens directly into the playroom) for a while so he could figure out that I wasn't going to do it for him.
Here's the routine he's always had: He moans, fumbles his hands roughly in the direction of the task he doesn't want to do (but doesn't use his fingers or look at the object), says "I can't do it! I can't do it! I need HELP!" and starts screaming as if terrified. In the past, I'd demonstrate or explain the steps aloud, and eventually he'd do it himself. Recently, though, we're at an impasse, and today is the worst ever.
He's got a soaked pull-up and is screaming and bellowing "I need Pestle! I need Pestle! I need Pestle!" I've responded with "I'm sorry you're sad. I'm right here, buddy. We'll be able to play outside when you are dry. Let me know when you want to try again."
But he's following us around while screaming as loudly as he can manage (it's eardrum-rattling), and this has been going on for 40 minutes. I've taken the other kid I've got today and moved into the adjacent space on the other side of a gate, which I know is causing him more anxiety, but I don't think he should be able to just follow and scream in our ears. He won't go into the quiet corner and won't stay in the bathroom.
He settles down, asks for help again, and I say "Okay! I'm happy to help you learn to change your own pull-up. We can't have germy pull-ups in the playroom. Let's go back into the bathroom. Good job. Now stand up and take--"
Screams.
My instincts tell me that to do it for him at this point will just reinforce not only the outburst, but his feeling that love and security is demonstrated by doing his self-care for him. I want him to feel safe and cared for here, but I don't want him to expect that safety and care to come in the form of setting his development back. At this age, he's quickly moving out of the sensitive toddler period where he wants to use his new fine-motor skills, and I think self-care is much harder to learn after they've gotten comfortable with being dirty.
I'm going to talk to the mom at pick-up today, but in the meantime -- am I right to proceed the way I'm going? We're about to hit the point in the day where "lunch is for kids who have pants on."
He has always been afraid of the toilet, so I've allowed him to continue in pull-ups. Unfortunately (and this was happening last year, before the breakup), his mom does all self-care for him. She puts on his shoes, changes his clothes, etc. I taught him to put on his own jacket and worked hard to teach him his shoes, which is becoming successful. I had some success getting him to take off and put on his own shorts and pull-up, but he always had anxiety about it and sometimes had to be left to chill in the bathroom (it opens directly into the playroom) for a while so he could figure out that I wasn't going to do it for him.
Here's the routine he's always had: He moans, fumbles his hands roughly in the direction of the task he doesn't want to do (but doesn't use his fingers or look at the object), says "I can't do it! I can't do it! I need HELP!" and starts screaming as if terrified. In the past, I'd demonstrate or explain the steps aloud, and eventually he'd do it himself. Recently, though, we're at an impasse, and today is the worst ever.
He's got a soaked pull-up and is screaming and bellowing "I need Pestle! I need Pestle! I need Pestle!" I've responded with "I'm sorry you're sad. I'm right here, buddy. We'll be able to play outside when you are dry. Let me know when you want to try again."
But he's following us around while screaming as loudly as he can manage (it's eardrum-rattling), and this has been going on for 40 minutes. I've taken the other kid I've got today and moved into the adjacent space on the other side of a gate, which I know is causing him more anxiety, but I don't think he should be able to just follow and scream in our ears. He won't go into the quiet corner and won't stay in the bathroom.
He settles down, asks for help again, and I say "Okay! I'm happy to help you learn to change your own pull-up. We can't have germy pull-ups in the playroom. Let's go back into the bathroom. Good job. Now stand up and take--"
Screams.
My instincts tell me that to do it for him at this point will just reinforce not only the outburst, but his feeling that love and security is demonstrated by doing his self-care for him. I want him to feel safe and cared for here, but I don't want him to expect that safety and care to come in the form of setting his development back. At this age, he's quickly moving out of the sensitive toddler period where he wants to use his new fine-motor skills, and I think self-care is much harder to learn after they've gotten comfortable with being dirty.
I'm going to talk to the mom at pick-up today, but in the meantime -- am I right to proceed the way I'm going? We're about to hit the point in the day where "lunch is for kids who have pants on."
: I'm glad he calmed down for you. He must have seen that you weren't bending on your boundaries and gave in, which I think is effective too. Sometimes you just have decide which battles you are willing to fight.
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