Divorce and Getting a Different Job

[Unregistered]

I'm logged out for privacy issues but I have been married for 28 years, doing daycare for approx. 20 yrs in our home, my husband also works from home. I am really considering a divorce, I am torn because I actually don't believe in divorce but lately I"m just feeling that's what I need too do for a bunch of different reasons. I know this isn't a "therapy" board but one of my biggest concerns is the impact it will have on our grown children 26/21 anyways that's not really for this board.
Here's my problem, if I did this I would leave our home, mostly because my husband was raised in this home and I wouldn't want to "take" it from him. Other dilemma is how do I find a job while doing daycare and be able to close my daycare support myself and get ready to move out? seems impossible, not to mention since I haven't worked outside the home for many years I don't even know if I can financially do it, I don't think I can get a great paying job. My husbands job at home is very up and down.
Has anyone ever started a "new" like this?

[hwichlaz]

If your kids are grown you only need to be able to support yourself. And that doesn't necessarily mean an apartment on your own. You can rent someone's granny studio or have a roommate.

[Pestle]

My mother was a lit professor for 30 years, then went through a certification/training program and became a medical coder in her mid-fifties. That industry went through a boom-and-bust, though.

If you're good at using the computer and can fake cheerful over the phone, check out logistics jobs. You have to be sharp as a tack and quick as a wink and cool as a cucumber, but the pay is good.

[Georgiads]

Hugs

I’m sorry for what you are going through. If you really want a divorce I would suggest you talk to a lawyer before making plans.

Have you been saving money for yourself? Do you pay for the expenses in the home?

You may not want to take “his” home but he will have to provide something for you in return.

Find a resume writer and join some women’s groups. If you have Facebook look up iRelaunch it’s a return to work group that can help.

If you can take care of kids for 20+ years I’m sure you can take care of yourself. It’s definitely no easy but it’s doable.

[LK5kids]

I left my husband when I was 40 after 18 yrs of marriage (21 together). I had been doing in-home ch. care for 10 years. Best thing I ever did! It was a VERY amicable divorce but still stressful.

My husband was a horror to live with but he did give me the gift of a peaceful (well fairly peaceful) divorce.

My children were 17 & 18.

Thing is my husband left the home. He knew my livelihood was there and chose not to fight for the home. That's one decent thing he did.

I made great $$$ and could afford the home. Thing is I was offered a job (actually offered it without applying) with an early childhood resource center. It up being a good decision but the original pay was so low I almost went under!

Are you interested in offering child child care from another location? is it possible to purchase another home when your husband pays you for your share of the home? Or to rent and do child care? If there is demand in your area and you make decent $$$ I'd consider that.

One lucrative job field in my area is at the hospital ( small city of 60,000). Those desk jobs are offered at a starting wage of $14-$16 an hour with excellent benefits. They are always advertised as high school diploma needed. Still that's not a lot to live on.

Also, just start applying! Do you have anyone to come in to watch the kids while you go to an interview?

in regard to your children, I want to say, "Don't worry about them. Do what you need to for you!" Truth is we always worry about our children and divorce does effect grown children. I believe they will adjust and they will be ok.

My kids did fine.

I know how hard it can be. I felt stuck for many years. I didn't know where to start either. I had a friend that did a
do - it yourself divorce and so did my daughter. Neither couple wanted to hand over $$$ to a lawyer. It worked out great but these couples were able to civilly work together. You want to get your far share of assets. Don't let yourself get ripped off.

Do you have a support system? Family or friends? A church family? I had no family but I had incredible and supportive friends! There still was rough and lonely days. Even tho I had a blast dating and doing things with friends there were some lonely, dark days! My kids were both in college and I didn't hear from or see them much.

I'm happily re-married now. I got re-married at 52. There is life after divorce,

Self-help books were my friend! LOL. Take care of you! Reach out to others. Hope this is of some help.

[Ariana]

Speak to a lawyer. You are entitled to spousal support and that will help you get on your feet. My friend got divorced and her husband worked a seasonal job as a landscaper so she had to pay him spousal support. Basically the law works in such a way that your financial life should not suffer because of a divorce...at least for the first little while until you get on your feet and become self sufficient.

[hwichlaz]

Speak to a lawyer. You are entitled to spousal support and that will help you get on your feet. My friend got divorced and her husband worked a seasonal job as a landscaper so she had to pay him spousal support. Basically the law works in such a way that your financial life should not suffer because of a divorce...at least for the first little while until you get on your feet and become self sufficient.

You aren’t automatically entitled to spousal support. It depends on income. It’s entirely possible that she would owe HIM spousal support, depending on how they are doing.

[Unregistered]

You aren’t automatically entitled to spousal support. It depends on income. It’s entirely possible that she would owe HIM spousal support, depending on how they are doing.

If she lets him keep the house, there is no way she will owe spousal support.

[Ariana]

You aren’t automatically entitled to spousal support. It depends on income. It’s entirely possible that she would owe HIM spousal support, depending on how they are doing.

It is possible but if she gives him a house, highly unlikely. If she closes her daycare she will have zero income. This is why she needs to speak to a lawyer.

[Unregistered]

Your children will not be okay regardless of age. Do everything you can to save your marriage except for abuse. Read Primal Loss, Adult Children of Divorce Speak.

In case you're wondering, I'm in a very difficult marriage and have made the decision to stay. Some days it's really awful but then out of the blue, we will have a really great time together and with our son that never would have happened if we gave up. It's not easy but it's what's best for us.

[MelissaP]

Divorce hurts everyone, but it's not good for kids, regardless of age, to stay in a relationship that is not solid. For whatever reason, you feel you need to do this and you need to do whatever is best for YOU. Nobody else matters. Because in the end, it's better for everyone.

Melissa

PS. Your kids probably already feel like it's coming and will probably say that it should have happened a long time ago. They are smarter then we think, even as young adults.

[ErnestFlores]

I have a friend that was once in a similar as you. She slowly self taught/re-learned most of the concepts that was taught in high school and passed the entrance exam for her college for a Bachelors in Accounting. If you're interested, perhaps invest ~2-4 hours after work everyday to brush up on the subjects you've struggled with and overtime you'll be able to enroll in a program that opens you up for better paying jobs.
Best of luck to you and I hope my comment helps you out!
P.S. A good place to start for her was https://www.studypug.com/

[hwichlaz]

If she lets him keep the house, there is no way she will owe spousal support.

Depends on the state. If he inherited it, it may not be community property. That changes if they took a mortgage out on it because all income is joint income and they’d be using joint income to pay the mortgage, making it community property.

My ex gave me the house, but he still pays spousal support...because the house wasn’t an asset. We bought during the housing boom and owed more than it was worth, so it was considered a liability.

[Play Care]

If I were to get a divorce, I would insist on selling the home and splitting any profit. That money would be used to purchase a smaller home with little yard (less maintenance costs) One of the main reasons women fare badly in divorce is the insistence on keeping the family home.

Also, do not stay in a marriage for the kids. Life is too short to be miserable. Most of the women I know who left their marriages are doing so much better now. They are happy, healthy, and in some cases much wealthier.
There's no medal for being a martyr.