The "Whiney" Child....

[tenderhearts]

So I got alot of crap from a few on here about this topic but for the few that I agree with I have a couple questions.

I'll update first, the situation with this girl has gotten alot better. She actually hasn't used the words "I'm scared" for awhile, however she will on occassion just start crying and I know something is bothering. I have just very casually have said _____what's wrong? Sometimes she'll tell me and other times she wont, So I always tell her depending on what it is I'll say really ok go find something to do, and if she continues to whine I'll tell her, you either need to go play and find something to do or you can go sit in the other room until your done crying about whatever it is you're crying about.

So my question is this, I've been doing what this poster had said
Lots of interesting discussion here:

I'm thinking that there might be two, even three things going on. And it sounds complicated. It's going to take some work.

First off, I'm thinking that she might not have the language she needs to put accurate names to what she's feeling when she says, "I'm scared". Second, I'm thinking that there might be a sensory issue with sound--whether inherent or created by her very quiet home environment. Third, I do think it sounds like she's catered to a lot at home. Fourth, I think it might be a power issue, but the solution is NOT to take away her power, it's to give her more, but appropriate, power. Power that gives her control over HER environment but does NOT affect other people's environment.

When she says she's scared--even if you as the adult do not think that there is anything to be scared of--offer her an out. "If the movie is scary, then you can go look at books/puzzles/color" but make sure she has a place to go where she does not have to see/hear the movie (if you can't prevent her hearing it, offer her headphones to put on). Giving her control over the scary thing in a way that affects no one else, might help immensely. This could also assist if she is getting sensory overload.

You described her covering her ears and saying that it's too loud--that does very much suggest sensory issues to me. Offering her headphones/ear muffs should help with that, unless you can make a "quiet room" she can retreat to when it gets too noisy. Again, this really affects no one but her.

When she's getting controlling over things she has no business controlling, like papers on the desk, tell her that she can either deal with them or she can move her body somewhere else. If she doesn't want to participate in show and tell, then she doesn't have to. Sit her outside the circle but still nearby and ignore her until show and tell is over. Don't let her share her item--assuming she wants to. Explain that if she wants to show her item then she needs to sit and be polite while others show theirs. Before removing her from the circle tell her that and give her the choice. I do not think you should turn off the tv/music in the morning before she gets there--give her the option of retreating to her quiet area or putting on her headphones if she doesn't like it.

Finally, if weeks/months go on and you're trying these things and either it's not improving or she's spending most of her time alone, I would really, really consider bringing the issue up to her parents and suggesting that she be evaluated for some possible sensory issues. It sounds like she is VERY sensory avoidant, both sound and visual stimulation. How is she with eating, textures, flavors, touch, tags in her clothes, etc?

My question is, do I give her the choice of when to come out, so when she's ready to join the group without crying she can come back? Although as I said it has gotten ALOT better we still have times, but sometimes I feel if I give her that "out" on some things, that's what she wants, she's getting "her" way, but on other things I think it's fine, such as if she says she doesn't want to watch the movie at quiet time, fine go take a nap. Her new thing is the printer, this printer has been around her her whole life at my house, but all of a sudden she is paranoid of it, because she has been around this her whole life I have just said to her, ___________go play, ignore, if you don't like it plug your ears, I dont' say anything else to her, but I dont' give her the "out" to go in the other room because it's always been here. I have ignored it as well and just say go play ______.

I did have a talk with her dad on a few occassions now, the first time being right after I posted this original post and he said that she has been doing that at home as well, I do believe that when she has a fear they do what they can to get her away from it, he said they took her to go see Ramona and Beezus and 5 min into the movie she started crying saying it was scarry, they left the theatre. He said she had been scared of their printer too, I can't imagine they got rid of their printer but he just told_________there isn't anything to be scared of, so lately every time she comes into the house she starts pouting, I haven't consoled her or anything, her dad does but I just say, come on take your shoes off lets go, and I'll tell dad she'll be fine and she is, so now it seems she's getting the attention from dad.

anyways sorry so long, but it has improved alot since then with some weeks no whining to maybe a day here and there. but goin back to the question if I give her that out if she doesn't want to "participate' or whines and she says she wants to go in the other room, do I let HER decide when she comes back?

thanks and sorry so long and hopefully I don't get slammed again.

[e.j.]

My question is, do I give her the choice of when to come out, so when she's ready to join the group without crying she can come back? Although as I said it has gotten ALOT better we still have times, but sometimes I feel if I give her that "out" on some things, that's what she wants, she's getting "her" way, but on other things I think it's fine, such as if she says she doesn't want to watch the movie at quiet time, fine go take a nap. .....but goin back to the question if I give her that out if she doesn't want to "participate' or whines and she says she wants to go in the other room, do I let HER decide when she comes back?

I would let her decide when she comes back. You can always ask her if she's ready to rejoin the group but I wouldn't force her if she isn't ready.

I must have missed the first thread about this topic but went back to read it. My son has sensory integration issues which were much worse when he was younger so I could relate to much of what you wrote. The advice you quoted above was excellent. If she does have a sensory integration disorder, she isn't being manipulative and does need your patience and understanding, which it sounds like she's getting. Have you ever brought up the possibility of SI disorder with her parents? I'm thinking about issues my son had once he started school and I'm wondering if it would help her to have her tested before then.

[tenderhearts]

Thanks, no I haven't brought up a any disorder of any kind but I have talked with her dad on quite a few occassions over the last month or 2 about it.
I do know that their house is very very quiet, I get that feeling from mom & dad and just from what she says. I just didn't know since others are saying she's wanting to get what SHE wants I didn't know if by allowing her to "choose" if she's ready to come back was considered me not being a "leader" so I wanted to clarify that. It has gotten better, I did hear her tell her friend today that she's scared of my printer, I ignored it and didn't say anything. I just don't understand why all of a sudden when she's been around it since she's been coming here and that's been 4 1/2 yrs.
thanks for reading it. How old is your son now and does he still display these symptoms?

[Childminder]

Not sure of where you are from but we have a resource in our county that will send someone out to observe the child at home or in childcare. I have utilized this service for a behavioral issue to determine if the kid has a disorder or something. It is called Project STAR or Project Challenge. See if your local school district has something. They utilize a program through Great Start but that might be just MI, I don't know. Contact your local resource and referral agency if you have one.

[e.j.]

I do know that their house is very very quiet, I get that feeling from mom & dad and just from what she says.

It could be that she's used to quiet. I have had many "only" kids who came from quiet homes, though, who didn't react to noise the way this girl seems to be reacting. Whether it's just that she's used to a quiet environment or that she has a sensory issue, I'm still of the mindset that says err on the side of caution. Whatever the reason for her discomfort/behavior, why not let her remove herself from the situation until she does feel more comfortable?

I just didn't know since others are saying she's wanting to get what SHE wants I didn't know if by allowing her to "choose" if she's ready to come back was considered me not being a "leader" so I wanted to clarify that.

You know this girl in a way none of us on this message board will never know her. Everyone responded based on their own experience with other children so, as much as they were trying to be helpful, the advice given may or may not be appropriate for your situation. Take the advice you feel works and disregard the advice that isn't helpful. (That goes for mine as well! :

I know there were many times when teachers tried to tell me my son was being manipulative. They were wrong. He felt totally overwhelmed by his environment and needed to try to gain as much control as he could in order to function and get through his day. If this girl does have some sensory issues, it could be that this is what she's doing. If she is just being manipulative, though, you're taking care of that by not allowing her to stop the other kids from taking part in an activity. Either way, you're simply teaching her to take herself away from a situation in which she feels uncomfortable.

As far as being a leader, I think leadership can be defined in many ways. In this situation, I see you as a leader who recognizes that each child has different needs. For whatever reason, this girl is feeling uncomfortable because of the noise in her environment. You're allowing her to find alternative ways to cope with that problem and you're allowing her to learn to trust her own feelings to help her decide when to rejoin the group. This doesn't detract from your ability to be a good leader.

It has gotten better, I did hear her tell her friend today that she's scared of my printer, I ignored it and didn't say anything. I just don't understand why all of a sudden when she's been around it since she's been coming here and that's been 4 1/2 yrs.
thanks for reading it. How old is your son now and does he still display these symptoms?

The fact that things are getting better says you're doing something right. I'm not sure why she might all of a sudden be afraid of the printer but there were times when my son would develop fears that seemed to appear out of nowhere, too. I would have handled it the way you did. If it bothers her that much, I'm sure she'll let you know and you can help her work it out in the same way you have helped her with the other noises.

My son did display some of the same symptoms when he was little. He's 20 now and still has some sensory issues but many have lessened over the years.