Out of Control Behavior

[Britt507]

We have this child who is 5 years old {just turned 5 a week or so ago} and he is out of control with his behavior.

He will disrespect my co-worker and myself by doing the opposite of what is asked of him or will shout over our voices. He has a big issue with getting in line and not being first. He always wants to be first and if he isn't first he will either throw a fit, push the child that is first, or call that child a name.

He is also starting to get aggressive with the other children; hitting and pushing them. Every time he does so, he is removed from the area and either sat on the brown square in what we call a break for him to show that he's ready to be safe.

We have started a daily behavior report and mom and dad each get a copy. He also has a sticker chart in preschool that he doesn't really care about.

We don't really know what else to do with him because nothing seems to be working.

[Blackcat31]

We have this child who is 5 years old {just turned 5 a week or so ago} and he is out of control with his behavior.

He will disrespect my co-worker and myself by doing the opposite of what is asked of him or will shout over our voices. He has a big issue with getting in line and not being first. He always wants to be first and if he isn't first he will either throw a fit, push the child that is first, or call that child a name.

He is also starting to get aggressive with the other children; hitting and pushing them. Every time he does so, he is removed from the area and either sat on the brown square in what we call a break for him to show that he's ready to be safe.

We have started a daily behavior report and mom and dad each get a copy. He also has a sticker chart in preschool that he doesn't really care about.

We don't really know what else to do with him because nothing seems to be working.

What do his parents say about it?

What types of discipline or methods of guidance are they using at home?

What are your center's policies for aggressive or physical behaviors like that?

As for needing to be first, I've found what works is taking the power out of being first. Assign him the spot right in front of the line. The VERY first spot. Tell him this is his spot. He will be the FIRST one in line. First is where he wants to be so let him be there.

Then make sure you call someone from the end of the line or somewhere in the middle and have them be the next person to do (whatever you were lining up to do...bathroom break etc...)

I also give stickers to those that aren't first.
I make a HUGE deal out of how being FIRST is the reward for that child. If being FIRST is what they want, then they get to be the FIRST one in line but they don't get rewarded for that. Being FIRST is their reward.

Being FIRST doesn't mean you are any more or less important than the others. That is really the lesson he needs to learn.

Take the "power" out of being first.

[daycarediva]

How long has he been with you? Is this recent behavior (since starting preschool?) or continued/escalating behavior?

What are the parents doing at home?

When a child desires power, as BC put it- give them power. In APPROPRIATE ways. I would be on his behavior with choices. You may be upset but you MAY NOT push. (you will play alone for centers) You may speak to me but you MAY NOT yell at me (and sit him down/ignore him until he speaks nicely).

Also- rewarding the heck out of the other kids for showing desirable behaviors.

[Josiegirl]

No advice from me but I have to say 5 is one of the most difficult ages for me. It's like some of them turn into little terrors.
I love BC's thoughts on the whole 'gotta be first' thing though. Gonna have to try that.

[Britt507]

As for needing to be first, I've found what works is taking the power out of being first. Assign him the spot right in front of the line. The VERY first spot. Tell him this is his spot. He will be the FIRST one in line. First is where he wants to be so let him be there.

His parents are divorced and they've been divorced for almost two years. Their schedule is wacky but the kids are used to it by now as it's been the same for over a year. One week mom gets them and on mom's week, dad gets them on Wednesday nights to thursday mornings. And vice versa when it is Dad's week.

They are not very helpful when it comes to this child as I don't think they know what to do either. The mom kind of shrugs it off and the Dad seems to try with the child. He does behave better during Dad's weeks.

However, it's not just him that wants to be first. We have about 3 or 4 kids that always want to be first and I've been talking about this with my director.

I think we're going to go the route that one of these other two kids who line up and do what they're asked without complaint are going to be the line leader every day until all the other children fall into place.

However, even if this child is first in line, it does not help his behavior toward the other kids. He will still shove them or call them stupid or other names because he thinks its funny. We do not laugh about it and have often taken him aside to explain that we need to use nice words to our friends and so on.

We also have tried time outs and we have tried giving him his own center to play in. Nothing seems to work with this child.

I personally think he likes being the way he is.

[Blackcat31]

I personally think he likes being the way he is.

Sadly, he probably does. NOT because it's right but because it's the only way he knows how to get attention. Kids don't care if it's negative or positive attention. It's attention.

This also fits the saying "Those that need love the most show it in the most unloving ways"

I am sure the impact of his parents divorce, their differing parenting styles and the continuous back and forth between the two is absolutely confusing for him. As EC educators, we all know and understand the importance of routine and consistency. It not only helps kids feel safe, secure and understood but it helps them understand what comes next and it sounds to me like this little guy is really struggling with the lack of routine and consistency in his home life and you, the teachers in your center and the other kids are the ones he takes it out on.

Poor little guy.

I would really try to take some time and maybe talk with him about how to get the attention and love he is seeking through positive actions verses negative ones. It will take time and since it wasn't "broken" overnight, it isn't going to get better or be fixed over night. It will take a while.

I wouldn't let him out of a consequence for those times he has bad behaviors and I would still have expectations for him but I would try to take a bit of time when he IS calm and ISN'T pushing, shoving or yelling and just have a conversation with him about how much more loving, accepting and friendly everyone in his life will be if he is as well. I would also try hard to help build his self-esteem. He IS capable of good behaviors.

Hang in there... this is the hardest part about early childhood/daycare etc... we see so much but can't do much to "fix" it. But we still try.... :hug: