Approaching Parents About Sleep Training?

[TheMisplacedMidwestMom]

DCG is 10 months old. (I've posted before about her not wanting bottles here, and getting all of our calories during the night.) I have had dcg since she was 5 months. When she first started we had an expected adjustment period, but for the most part settled in great with no issues, happy happy baby. At about 7 months old dcg got sick, nothing extreme, just a lingering miserable cold combined with the first bout of teething. Understandably her sleep schedule was thrown into the chaos, however, it has never recovered. My suspicion is that during this time dcm started sleeping with her to sooth her. Once the illness was over they did not break the habit and it has gotten worse. DCG no longer naps here for any amount of time. The moment she is placed in the crib she is screaming, we've tried sleep training... its been 3 months. Occasionally I think we're improving but then we hit Friday and start from scratch on Monday. Some weeks there's no improvement. Lately dcd has been a little more informative about the situation at home, and I've found out that they are to the point that dcg will basically only sleep if dcm is laying with her. Talking with dcm the other day about dropping formula at 12 mos her response was genuinely "But then how do we get her to go to sleep? Do we put water in the bottle?"

This is the first child for dcf, and they have always been open about their "strategy" being do whatever works. I don't plan on terming the family over the sleep issues, HOWEVER, we would ALL be happier if this child learned how to sleep. My dh feels that if I suggest sleep training dcg that I'm being intrusive (he also does not have to deal with her naps). That I'll come off like I'm telling them how to parent their child. But he thinks that it will create a conflict. This morning I tested the waters so speak with dcd. As he was giving me the same morning report of how many times dcg was up during the night to snuggle with mom and eat, I playfully said to dcg "Well little lady, you just need to learn to sleep by yourself". Immediately dcd was defensive, and started about how it doesn't bother them and mom loves the extra snuggle time. I can see that its not working for dcg, she's exhausted all the time. She used to be the happiest little baby, and now is just struggling through most days.

So knowing that its not a matter of terming care... do you say something to the parents? If so, how do you approach it? They are well aware of the no sleeping and no eating here. If I should keep my mouth shut because I'm not going to terminate care over it... do I keep trying to get this kid some sleep? Is it possible that she will learn to sleep here even with no change at home? Some days we do luck out and she rests for a bit, but its not the norm.

[Michael]

Here is a previous thread for a 12 month old and Sleep Training: https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=77229
This comment was from member IndoorVoice

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To get her to fall asleep on her own, I stayed with her the entire time the first couple days. Then I started staying with her just until she fell asleep. When she would wake up, I would hush her and then let her cry back to sleep. Any time she would cry, I would go in there, but I would tell her it wasn't time to wake up and leave her be again. Someone here had the idea to start playing music when it was time to wake up so that she would understand the music ended nap time, and not the crying. That helped tremendously. By the 4th week or so, she would only wake up once during nap and then put herself back to sleep. I never ever pick her up when she is crying. She only gets picked up when she is calm.

I can't stay in with him as I have non-nappers who get up after a period of quiet time.

The last thing I did was put her in a sleep sack. This makes it hard for her to stand up in the pnp, which in her case , was really distracting her from sleeping. Now that it is difficult for her to stand up, she gives up and stays laying down, which helps her get into nap mode.

You may want to bring this up to parents especially if you are considering terming over this.

Not considering terming at this point. I think (hope) this can be resolved.

They at least need to know that it is an issue. But don't expect help from them. They've created these issues, and they probably aren't in a hurry to fix them if it makes their life easier.

I plan to discuss this with them so that they are aware that I am not going to be doing the same things here.

Kids can learn that things are different at daycare than at home.

This is what I plan to tell them. That it may take a while but that he will adapt.

So either plan on correcting these things by yourself, or term. In fact I often explain to my little dcg that I know mom does it differently, but at daycare we sleep by ourselves. It seems silly to talk like that to a baby, but I really do think they understand and it has helped me.

I talk to them, too

[TheMisplacedMidwestMom]

That'd helps! Thank you.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

I dont really bother talking about sleep issues with parents. The way I see it, if they didnt mind the baby crying, they would be sleep training at home, but they obviously cant handle the crying, so they do what is easiest to get them to not cry and sleep. This usually comes down to co sleeping, all night nursing, or bottles in bed all night. I dont care how they do it at home, but here, little one goes in crib and can cry her little heart out until nap time is over. I KNOW she needs sleep, so as the adult, I will make sure she gets good quality sleep. I am not doing it bc I enjoy crying or because I am mean...I am doing it bc it is whag she NEEDS. I dont talk to parents about it because it makes them worried and anxious. But if they ask, I tell them exactly what I do here. I have had 2 or 3 who were exactly like your dc parents and none of them asked me how i do it until they were at the end of their rope and exhausted. I told them, they did the same at home, and bc the kid had already been sleep trained here, it was an easy transition. One mom brought me a bottle of wine and was so mad that she didnt ask me sooner. Her little guy was my best napper, but was up all night wanting to nurse and play. They went home, put him in his crib, let him fuss, and that was that.

[TheMisplacedMidwestMom]

That has been my basic thought process so far... but so long into the process with minimal improvement and I've started to question myself.

[Ariana]

I had a child like this and basically every Monday and Tuesday were somewhat bad but by the time Wednesday came she was sleep trained. We went through this every week. I just did what I had to do! I had to retrain my own kids every time they got sick because we would also lie with them. It would take no time at all, usually one night, for them to go back to sleeping through the night. These parents have created a monster at this point.

No matter what I said to the parents they were going to do whatever they wanted at home. I felt bad for the child but it was out of my control. I stuck to my nap times and she adjusted.

[TheMisplacedMidwestMom]

DCM asked yesterday at pick-up how in the world I was getting dcg down to sleep without bottles. happyface So she started the conversation for me.
Even after a long weekend, our sleep progress has been very apparent this week. Just when I thought hope was lost, it seems to be falling into place. Thank y'all for the advice.

[Mom2Two]

Cool advice from Indoorvoice. I want to remember that if I ever need it.

So DD was a very low birth weight preemie who then went into failure to thrive in the NICU, came home on a nasal gastric tube for feeding, and who we then weaned off her tube. On her due date, she still weighed less than 3 pounds (this was still in the NICU), so as you can imagine, food and calories have been a big deal for us her whole life.

Some thoughts:

1. Friend who is a dentist did suggest water in the bottle for falling asleep. We didn't do that with DD but kept doing milk (sometimes you just have to choose your priorities), but with another dcg who enrolled still on a bottle for sleep, we gave her a water bottle as a compromise. She was older though and just left her with it in her pnp.

2. We fed DD during the night til she was about 24 mths, but about 9 mths adjusted age she was waking up a ton and having a nip on her bottle and falling back to sleep. It takes me a couple of hours to fall back to sleep after being up in the night, so getting up five times in the night to give DD 1/2 oz wasn't working for me. So yes, I did some CIO for a week to get her back to only waking up once or twice for food.

One issue is that growth hormones are released during long stretches of sleep, so that might be a good reason to be a little firm about what's happening at home.

3. And us too, after illness, always had to re-sleep train.

[TheMisplacedMidwestMom]

Just updating incase someone is searching the topic later. Dcm initiated the conversation again last week, admitting that she was exhasted and something had to change. We had a pretty lengthy convo about the situation. Dcm repored the next day that she tried it and dcg only lasted 10 minutes and then slept most of the night. . Basically what mommyneedsadayoff said. Their first night trying it was in Thursday... it's Monday and dcg has never been easier to put down or happier when waking up in her crib.happyface

[mommyneedsadayoff]

Just updating incase someone is searching the topic later. Dcm initiated the conversation again last week, admitting that she was exhasted and something had to change. We had a pretty lengthy convo about the situation. Dcm repored the next day that she tried it and dcg only lasted 10 minutes and then slept most of the night. . Basically what mommyneedsadayoff said. Their first night trying it was in Thursday... it's Monday and dcg has never been easier to put down or happier when waking up in her crib.happyface

So glad it's working out! Some parents go with it, and some bristle at even the mention of CIO, so I'm happy you have found a great resolution!:hug: