A Problem Family, HELP!

[daycarenewbie]

So to make a substantially long story short-

I've had a family in my care for 3 years (2 years as a private nanny) and then this year I opened my daycare as I wanted it in my home and to not be on call all the time and they followed.

As this is my first year and I only have the help of my lovely SO sometimes, I've kept it to 4 children, 2 from one family and 2 from another.

Well the family I had follow me over, has a 3 year old and a 2 year old. The 3 year old over the last year has told his parent I was hitting him, then changed it to his mom was hitting him, his grandparents were hitting him and so on and so forth- as I have been watching him since he was born and their other since they were born, it was swept to the side.

However within the past 6 months he's started to "explore" himself. It started with him having put his hands down his diaper to go down for nap which his mom was okay with- I was not and encouraged him to wash his hands stop doing that while he was at my house. Which escalated to him pulling on his little sibling's genitals. That seemed to stop after a firm talking to by his mother and myself. However he has not stopped trying to put his penis on display for all of the kids in my care despite everything I've tried. He even has asked me on occasion to look at his penis. I have told parent about it everytime and she said whatever I thought was necessary to dissuade him was okay but that she didn't want him to view his genitals as something negative. sigh.

So flash forward to today, his mom coming home from vacation and telling me that his grandfather- who had been dropping the 2 little ones off for the past week- apparently was told by the 3 year old that the other boy in my care has been asking to see his penis all week... I heard and saw nothing this past week as well as questioned immedietly why it wasn't brought to my attention. She said she's only concerned because the 3 year is starting pre k soon and she doesnt want dhhs involved or for questions to arise putting her in a bad light- she's a teacher at this same school. But I also sense she wants to put this other child in the hot seat so she once again doesn't have to take accountability for her son's behavior.

Well at this point to me, and I admit I could be completely wrong, I think it's a risk to have her children still attend. Not even adding to the fact she consistently drops them off sick, makes excuses why she can't pick them up when they're vomitting- blames me for their vomitting because "they were fine before" and late pickups

I let my personal feelings for how much I love the two little ones get in the way of how much I am being walked over

At this point I want to address her issue- because I could be wrong- I'm thinking a video camera/baby monitor in the main play area and seeing what happens as well as having her sign an incident report stating termination will happen if it's determined which boy is initiating innapropiate contact.

But ultimately want to terminate her regardless, I've honestly been trying to find a way to give her 2 weeks notice for about a month now, this just locked it in for me.

Any advice/feedback/criticism please! I don't want to sully my new buisness- she is that type of parent. But I honestly dont feel comfortable providing care for them any longer.

[trix23]

Don't worry about your business reputation. As long as you handle things in a professional way, even if she's upset, she has no grounds for saying that you were unprofessional.

This is an issue I had with a family that formerly had a nanny- they would bring in their son sick or not past the 24 hour illness exclusion. It drove me crazy! They were only here like like 6-8 weeks cause there were so many things she tried to control. That's not group care and that's not how a business works.

I would write up a 2-week probation letter general form. check off all things that her family is on probation for: bringing a visibly ill child to daycare, consistent late pick-ups, sass, etc. Write on the notice that if these things are not remedied within the probation period any further policy violations will result in immediate termination. No refunds, credits, or transfers.

Make a physical copy of it. Send a copy to her email after you've hand-delivered it so you have it on the record that you did give it to her (if ever she claims you terminated her out of the blue, etc.)

[trix23]

Also, he should be having pretty stiff consequences if he's lying like that. He could seriously mess up an adult's life and career with the kind of things he's saying.

My guess is that the parents either don't expect anything of him or they blow up at him if he tells the truth.

[Cat Herder]

It sounds like a little too much attention was given to the topic (penis) which probably became a source of attention during potty training and continued to the point of obsession (escalation).

Terming would solve the immediate problem, sure.

I see a few things that could solve the issue, though.

1. "it was swept to the side" - Address it immediately, followed by awkward silence, wait for response.

2. "put his hands down his diaper to go down for nap" - Onesies solution.

3. "escalated to him pulling on his little sibling's genitals" - Onesies and nap mats should be a minimum of 4 feet from one another.

4. "trying to put his penis on display for all of the kids" - Onesie and more structured activities, longer playground times, distraction, and active ignore. "Teacher, look at my penis!" - "I can't. I am busy looking at Heathers awesome drawing. Can you draw a horse, too? Come show me that."

5. "I have told parent about it everytime" - Too much discussion about this, keeps focus on his penis and gives him power over adults. (change the word penis to pacifier, potty training, refusing to eat, screaming, biting, hitting, etc. it is not the >thing< it is the attention garnered for the >thing<)

[Cat Herder]

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B01BPG22TO/ref=twister_dp_update?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

They are on sale this week and make a fun group tie-die project. We use them for sand/water play outdoors as well since it helps prevent diapers full of sand/mulch/gravel. Worth the investment, IMHO. For a toddler who is in the undressing stage simply put on backwards.

[nannyde]

She gave you the out... take it. "She said she's only concerned because the 3 year is starting pre k soon and she doesnt want dhhs involved or for questions to arise putting her in a bad light- she's a teacher at this same school."

I would tell her you have decided that her ds isn't a good fit for your program due to the escalation of his behavior regarding his penis and his interest in showing his, talking about his, making statements that the other child is wanting to see his, and touching his brother's.

Tell her you agree with her that she doesn't want dhhs involved for questions putting her in a bad light and that after considering what she said, you became concerned about the same thing. You don't want a Dhhs involvement or even questions to arise putting you in a bad light. Unfortunately because this has escalated to the point where he is accusing another child of this behavior, you have to take action.

Tell her that you have been watching her son's every move and conversations because of this behavior and the other child did not ask to see his penis. The other child has never shown ANY behaviors that her son has had nor any interest whatsoever in other's private parts. It's never happened once so you are certain he has never had these discussions.

It is best to end his care for his sake and the sake of both the provider and the mother. You both have jobs that could be threatened by this. Tell her that despite your not wanting to involve dhhs, because of his most recent allegations, you will have to call your licensor to tell them of this decision and there could be an investigation. You would rather just get it over with now and move on, if that is the case. Tell her you have documented each instance and the discussions with you and the child so you are prepared should they need specific dates and actions.

If she is a teacher... is she off till school starts? If so, she doesn't need any notice time. Just do a swift term. If she is working at the time I would give her one week and then keep the child completely away from the other children the entire week. Hopefully she will pull immediately.

You most likely won't get out of this without DHHS involvement either way. She will be furious and will most likely turn you in so I think you are better off to tell her you have already contacted them so when she calls they will already have your record of the behavior and escalation. She may wait a bit before she does it so she can say even MORE things happened after she had her son home for X weeks.. meaning he told her even more. He very well may accuse you, your SO, or the other dc boy of actually doing something to him so be prepared. She may lead him into these conversations and encourage his disclosure of xyz to the point where he easily spouts it to a child protective investigator.

I don't know how much the other family knows about this. That's another issue in this.

I can't imagine the grandfather hearing every day that this is happening to the kid and not even calling the mom on vacation to tell her so they could decide to just keep him home with grandpa that week because of the risk her child was in. The grandpa needs to be brought up when you talk to the DHHS. He needs to be asked WHY would he not call the mother immediately, keep the kid out of daycare, or bring this up to you IMMEDIATELY the first accusation???

I think she is lying. Putting Grandpa on the hot seat may change what she said he said about what the three year old said.