How Do I Handle This Professionally?

[InAPickle]

I accepted a "special" family back in may. They wanted a lot of special treatment for their "special situation" and I agreed thinking I was being a helpful nice person. (I have only had two families in my two years of daycare and a formal, precise contract was not necessary for them. I got lucky, we understood each other and we never had any issues. They were also previously known to me) Our contract is extremely vague and the single mother with whom the contract was made has an extremely variable schedule. All things I knew in advance and after reading various posts on this forum, I realize how/why that was a mistake now and I have some good plans on how to fix in the future.

Her kids (4 boys) are at my home up to four days a week and possibly not at all during the week. They have some behavior issues but I've BTDT so I wasn't worried about it too much. The reason I need help is because the mother is VERY high maintainance and wants a full report everyday of eeevvvrything that has happened that day. Sometimes the boys have an "ok" day maybe one had a time out for being disrespectful or mistreating another child. But if I say ok and not Great she nit picks until I tell her every detail. And when I do she tries to normalize every incident. I wasn't even going to bring it up. It happened. I dealt with it. It was over. It's like she expects them to be bad so she asks how they did but doesn't really want to hear the truth.

Yesterday was the breaking point for me though. Her children had a rough day. Lots of loss of privileges and redirection and timeouts. And when I told her about them she said that the hitting, shoving, running off when on outings, and disrespecting me and public property while in public was normal behavior and not that big of a deal. She questioned how much experience I had "since my own children are homeschooled" and made it sound like I was overreacting. None of the things were major but they were repetitive and I am not going to ignore it. Or call it a good day.

I had disciplined them while they were at my house to the best of my ability and discussed the consequences with each child. (They are all but one school age) Her kids didn't really care but I did my best. Their behavior doesn't bother me as much as their mothers comments about my experience though. She says she wants to support my actions but her words to me say she completely disagrees.

How do I address her completely opposite parental view points? I want to say "you clearly don't think I'm qualified, and I don't really care for your idea of normal, so you should find someone else." But she's an extremely dramatic person and I'm trying to keep this as drama free as possible.

There is so much more to this whole deal but this is an issue I'd really like to resolve now.

What do you all expect as far as when a child is misbehaving at daycare and parental action following?

And if a parent accused you of being clueless as to the ways and behavior of children how would you react as a professional?

[Cat Herder]

How do I address her completely opposite parental view points?

And if a parent accused you of being clueless as to the ways and behavior of children how would you react as a professional?

To the first question: You don't. It isn't your right or place. I say that with the utmost respect.


To the second: I'd terminate face to face, verbally followed by handing her a short, nondescript termination notice with their final date listed. IME, making the term immediate, with no fee's due, is the simplest way to make it as drama free as possible.

No parent wants to hear NO and few seem to have the social skills to accept a NO with grace anymore. This particular parent seems to need the drama as a source of emotional fulfillment, run from those types now that you will recognize it in the future.

[Blackcat31]

What are you expecting or wanting her to do with the information you share with her at the end of the day?

If nothing; stop telling her anything other than "Same" unless you are in a "working" relationship with the mom.

And it doesn't sound like you two are working together in any way so....

Don't invite added stress.

[trix23]

If she doesn't think you're qualified then why does she send her kids to you?

I would write up a behavior management plan for each child's problem behaviors. I would also issue a probation notice in regards to her ryde behavior and thinking you're incapable.

[InAPickle]

Thank you for feedback!

What are you expecting or wanting her to do with the information you share with her at the end of the day?

If nothing; stop telling her anything other than "Same" unless you are in a "working" relationship with the mom.

And it doesn't sound like you two are working together in any way so....

Don't invite added stress.

I really wasn't expecting her to do anything except trust me. I try my best not to bring up any issues unless I need her to reinforce to the child that a certain behavior is unacceptable.

If I say that their day was anything less than good, so "ok" or "fine" etc. she wants to know every detail of what went wrong. Even if their day was mostly good, just had a rough start. I only tell her because she asks repeatedly and the one time I didn't say anything she went majorly overboard with rewards. I explain to her the actions I took, trying to assure her that whatever happened has been addressed. Her response is always, "well I know that's not ok to do, but it's normal for this age." I know this, which is why I addressed it with the child.

Up until this point I had just listened to her, thinking this is her way of trying to show me she wanted to be cooperative, but when she says it doesn't sound like I'm around kids very much , I started to take offense.

Trix23 in answer to your comment, I am starting to wonder the same thing. But she has a hard time securing daycare due to her crazy schedule and her children/her behavior. I feel guilty even thinking about terminating them because I know what predicament that would leave them in, her kids are bounced around a lot. And she was very hesitant to leave her old daycare for me because she was concerned I wouldn't "like" them and she would have no other choice but to move them to a different town for school and daycare (our small town doesn't have many options and she is not welcome back to the one she left).

I like her kids just fine. We have a great time when they're getting along. And I am willing to work with her kids problems. It's the mothers drama that I'm struggling to get past. I like your idea of a probation notice though. She really shouldn't leave her kids with me if she can't be comfortable with how I run my daycare.

[Josiegirl]

It sounds like it's time to redo your policies, sit down with dcm and discuss this. Tell her if she doesn't trust your judgement then maybe it's time she look for other care. Maybe also tell her that her sons' issues are not that major, that you work on them in your dc and that, unless something extremely difficult happens, you'd like to keep dc separate from what they do at home for discipline. I have a hard time mixing dc/home discipline, unless it's an ongoing terrible issue. If she rewards every single thing that can be a problem also.

Just my 2 cents.

[nannyde]

Parental Attention Seeking Syndrome (PASS)

I have a chapter in my book. Your description of her is textbook.

Start charging her for conferencing. Tell her that she can assume all is ok unless you say otherwise. Arrivals and departures need to be quick. If she needs extended conferencing she needs to pay a dollar a minute.

When she says it's normal tell her it's not.

Do you just want the money? Four kids I'm assuming are state paid. If you want the money then just deal. Agree with whatever she says with "I see your point" and get her out the door asap.

If you don't want the money then tell her you don't offer this extensive conferencing. It's taking up time you aren't being paid for and it doesn't change their behavior. It's futile.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I really wasn't expecting her to do anything except trust me. I try my best not to bring up any issues unless I need her to reinforce to the child that a certain behavior is unacceptable.

If I say that their day was anything less than good, so "ok" or "fine" etc. she wants to know every detail of what went wrong. Even if their day was mostly good, just had a rough start. I only tell her because she asks repeatedly and the one time I didn't say anything she went majorly overboard with rewards. I explain to her the actions I took, trying to assure her that whatever happened has been addressed. Her response is always, "well I know that's not ok to do, but it's normal for this age." I know this, which is why I addressed it with the child.

Up until this point I had just listened to her, thinking this is her way of trying to show me she wanted to be cooperative, but when she says it doesn't sound like I'm around kids very much , I started to take offense.

Trix23 in answer to your comment, I am starting to wonder the same thing. But she has a hard time securing daycare due to her crazy schedule and her children/her behavior. I feel guilty even thinking about terminating them because I know what predicament that would leave them in, her kids are bounced around a lot. And she was very hesitant to leave her old daycare for me because she was concerned I wouldn't "like" them and she would have no other choice but to move them to a different town for school and daycare (our small town doesn't have many options and she is not welcome back to the one she left).

I like her kids just fine. We have a great time when they're getting along. And I am willing to work with her kids problems. It's the mothers drama that I'm struggling to get past. I like your idea of a probation notice though. She really shouldn't leave her kids with me if she can't be comfortable with how I run my daycare.

She isn't welcome back to the daycare she left? So, they asked them to leave/terminated the contract then...it wasn't HER choice to leave?

She was nervous you wouldn't like them? That's a VERY odd fear. That's very telling.

I would issue a behavior plan, IF you want to remain in a working relationship with this mom. If she asks how their day was and it wasn't great then I would say so. If she says it's normal I would ask why she's dismissing their inappropriate behavior as normal when she asked how their day was instead of working with me to correct it. I would be VERY blunt with this mom. She seems like she wants to be your employer informing you that your job performance/behavior management is not up to par. No thanks.

[nannyde]

She isn't welcome back to the daycare she left? So, they asked them to leave/terminated the contract then...it wasn't HER choice to leave?

She was nervous you wouldn't like them? That's a VERY odd fear. That's very telling.

I would issue a behavior plan, IF you want to remain in a working relationship with this mom. If she asks how their day was and it wasn't great then I would say so. If she says it's normal I would ask why she's dismissing their inappropriate behavior as normal when she asked how their day was instead of working with me to correct it. I would be VERY blunt with this mom. She seems like she wants to be your employer informing you that your job performance/behavior management is not up to par. No thanks.

What she said

[Annalee]

I like her kids just fine. We have a great time when they're getting along. And I am willing to work with her kids problems. It's the mothers drama that I'm struggling to get past. I like your idea of a probation notice though. She really shouldn't leave her kids with me if she can't be comfortable with how I run my daycare.

This explains my most recent term....and, like you, I worked with this family through many issues, or so I thought, but it still spiraled and I just could not deal any more! Best wishes to you!