My Usual Tricks Aren't Working. Any Other Suggestions?

[racemom]

I am probably a meanie, but I usually just tell them to stop crying or at least to be quiet if the are going to continue. I had a 2year old join my room a few months back. First 2 days cried all day. The third day he came in crying and I was done with it, so I calmly told him we were done crying. Everytime he would start i would say shh we are done crying it's time to play. He is one of my happiest guys now.

[Indoorvoice]

Rather than give her a crying spot (that she can leave when SHE chooses to.... done crying) I'd lay her down.

When she comes in after she says goodbye to mom/dad, give her the opportunity to stop crying and participate with the others....if she can't or won't stop crying I'd just lay her down to rest. I tell my criers (older ones) that crying means you're tired.

I have something similar going on and I did everything you are doing....but my patience is wearing thin and I figured out one day that this is silly.... kids have had to deal with siblings for eons now and it's nothing unique so the amount of attention they seek or we feel they need is out of control in my opinion and honestly at 4 (even a new 4) she totally understand mom will return and you are home away from home just as you've always been.

I think when we (adults in general) feel we have to make something of this, the kids figure it out pretty darn quickly and I don't care what skills they say kids develop when but I DO know that manipulation seems to be one the hone very early on....

OK I've been thinking and thinking about doing that and I'm just going to try it Monday. I was thinking in my head that there is no way a 4 year old needs 2 naps a day, but mom gave me some new info that makes me think maybe she does. She said dcg is the only one who sleeps upstairs at night and mom, dad, baby all sleep downstairs, so they leave her all alone up there and she feels left out and takes forever to to go to sleep saying she is scared. Ugh! Why?! So anyway, I'm just going to give it a shot. I know for sure she is manipulating me because she is happy as long as I let her watch endless TV. Nope, not happening here! Thanks, I needed the reassurance that this was not too mean of me to do.

[Indoorvoice]

Awww. She misses her mom. Or, rather, she misses her mom letting her have what she wants when she wants it. I have a feeling that this will resolve as soon as she realizes she is wasting her time. At 4 years old, you can talk to her and she will UNDERSTAND that she is wasting her time and energy when you tell her so.

Yup! I think you're right. I KNOW she understands me. She's very smart, she's just acting like she doesn't because that gets her what she needs at home.

[Indoorvoice]

Is it tears, or is it a fit? If it's genuine sad tears, I would just give a quick hug and say "I'm sorry your sad" and go about your day like normal. You are still showing her comfort, but not letting it take over your day. It may take a while, but eventually she should get past it.
Maybe talk with the parents and see if there's a night (or day) they can have some one on one time with her (no baby) as a reward for being a "big girl"

It's a full on temper tantrum complete with choking, snot everywhere, and convulsing. I have no doubt she's upset, but I don't think its for the reasons she's telling me. I know she loves it here because before she would always come in so happy to see me and would cry when mom would come get her. She has playdates on the weekends with my kids at her house. I know she's comfortable here. She's just totally trying to one up me some how and I don't get it. I'm probably taking it too personally and that is part of the problem. I need to remove my emotions from it.

[Indoorvoice]

Yeah the parents are feeling guilty about not giving her all the attention so they give in to her demands. Poor kids world is being shook up right now. You don't want to feel guilty either. I went through this with my eldest and then it sort of dawned on me that she needs to learn that she is no longer the centre of attention. It is a painful process but the sooner she "gets over it" the better it is for everyone!