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I have been having issues with one dck for a while. Hitting, throwing toys at other kids, spitting out food (thinks it's funny), not listening at all, and just being disruptive. I have reached out to this child's parents to let them know we're on our last leg and things need to change or I cannot provide care anymore. They have come up with a new discipline plan that involves constantly shadowing the child and providing clear and consistent discipline. The part i struggle with is also constantly praising when they are doing something good. I am not a mean scary monster, I do give praise! I just have a hard time doing it for every little thing the child does right during the day. It makes me feel like the child is still getting extra attention just for doing normal things through the day, therefore still being the center of attention whether it's for something good, bad, or basic behavior. Does anyone else struggle with this? Can anyone give me advice on how to make this easier? As I said, my biggest issue with it is always having to be on top of this child, taking away from the rest of the group? Has anyone used this technique and found it to be effective?
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How old is the child? My answer would vary depending on their age. -
I agree, my advice is dependent on the age of the child.
I am NOT a fan of praise for expected behaviors outside of the behavior being new and needing reinforcement.
I don't think kids need to be told "good job" for everything.Comment
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The child is almost 3 years oldComment
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I don't do constant praise. I VERY rarely say "GOOD JOB"
I had a parent say GOOD JOB to a 3.5yo for walking up the steps this morning.
Good job means NOTHING after 100x.
I DO say "Wow, you worked hard on that!" "You did it all by yourself!" "That took a lot of patience!" "That looked hard, but you stuck it out!" "Helping me clean up made me feel happy. Thank you!" ETC.
SPECIFIC praise based on effort. NO generic "GOOD JOBS!" here.Comment
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This is kinda scientific but is excellent in explaining the negative impact praise/too much praise can have on a child.
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I have a child like that in my care too. What I've been doing is giving them tasks and jobs to feel important. Being strict with enforcing natural consequences. Isolating from group play if too rough or hurting others.
At some point you'll need to say that if it's not improved by X date that their child will be terminated from care for the safety of others.Comment
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I don't give praise much at all. I do "state the facts". If a child was helpful, I say, "Thanks for helping me with that!" If a child did a cool feat like balancing a full bucket of water to a new location (or whatever someone might say good job to
), I would say, "You carried that all the way here without even spilling one drop!".. Just state the facts. Praising creates a situation where the child is constantly looking outside of themselves for direction and reassurance. One good book on the subject is "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn.
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This is exactly what I do too.I don't give praise much at all. I do "state the facts". If a child was helpful, I say, "Thanks for helping me with that!" If a child did a cool feat like balancing a full bucket of water to a new location (or whatever someone might say good job to), I would say, "You carried that all the way here without even spilling one drop!".. Just state the facts. Praising creates a situation where the child is constantly looking outside of themselves for direction and reassurance.Comment
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Ditto on this. I don't do praise either, unless it really was something amazing.I don't give praise much at all. I do "state the facts". If a child was helpful, I say, "Thanks for helping me with that!" If a child did a cool feat like balancing a full bucket of water to a new location (or whatever someone might say good job to), I would say, "You carried that all the way here without even spilling one drop!".. Just state the facts. Praising creates a situation where the child is constantly looking outside of themselves for direction and reassurance. One good book on the subject is "Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn.
Affirm what the child is doing. Then follow with why
Johnny you are sitting, that is safe you can high five if you want.
Johnny you are sharing with sue, that is being a good friend or friendly
johnny you put the toy away and made the floor safe for your friends or it was responsibleComment
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When transitioning away from negative attention, over the top praise for good behavior works. You can eventually phase it out!Comment
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I've been trying more along the line of "stating the facts" today and I can definitely tolerate that. I just don't want to go backwards with the praise and then have the child have to constantly be praised and have every action reinforced...that would be a whole different monster (I've had some of those too! Lol)
Ariana - have you used this "praising" technique before? How did you go about it? How do you think it helped?Comment
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I have used this technique before and it worked really well. The child started feeling more in control of his actions and seemed to develop more self esteem. Eventually I was able to stop giving so much praise but still gave some (similar to the above advice). I am currently using it with a 3 yr old who craves negative attention but he is only with me 2 days a week and although I told mom to employ this technique it doesn't seem like she is doing it. The second day is always his best day because he likes the positive praise but then he goes home for 5 days and the cycle continues. At this point I am just trying to get through until I can find a replacement.
If your child is with you 5 days a week then heaping on praise for good behavior while simultaneously withholding negative attention for bad behavior should work well. It doesn't have to be fake! In fact it is best if it is not fake. I would simply state facts but in a much more enthusiastic way (to me that is what praise is) like "thank you so much for helping me, you are a great team player" really amp it up and then give a high 5 or whatever. Eventhough this seems like you are rewarding regular behavior and the child should just do it automatically, some kids have not been wired that way and you are in essence rewiring their brains to want positive attention.Comment
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True, it is praise if you add to the facts. Like saying, "you are a great team player" or "that was responsible" or "being a good friend" those are all adding to the facts, those are judgements. Just the facts are just the actual facts: "you cleaned up with us", "you carried the water without dripping any" "you painted with a lot of red!" .. Adding what you think about the action turns it into a power play. You are saying,, essentially, 'I like what you did'. That would be praise. I try not to praise or make negative judgements either. Of course, we all do what we can to make it work! If heaping on praise seems to be working, I'd say go for it and I hope it helps!Comment
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