Total Change In Behavior - Daycare Can't Cope

[sharlan]

I tell prospective parents during interviews - not every daycare is right for every child. Right now, for whatever reason, your provider and your child aren't meshing.

Right or wrong, this is her business and she doesn't have to work with you.

As others with much more knowledge than I have pointed out that it's time to leave.

[RIWorkingMom]

I tell prospective parents during interviews - not every daycare is right for every child. Right now, for whatever reason, your provider and your child aren't meshing.

Right or wrong, this is her business and she doesn't have to work with you.

As others with much more knowledge than I have pointed out that it's time to leave.

Finding out that the daycare gives pow pows (Slaps on the wrist) is what makes this not a good fit. I wonder where she learned to hit from?

[daycarediva]

I am curious what home day cares charge in your state. The lowest end in RI that I could find was $175 a week per kid. Facilities are $275 - $375 per week. Did you know that making $14.00/hr for a family of three means you have to pay full price in RI?

I just want to break this down for you guys who think I'm refusing to give up luxuries here. It's not like that.
$14.00/hr full time is roughly 1600 a month after tax.

Rent for a 2 bedroom apt in RI is $1,000/month if you are lucky. And that is in a not so great neighborhood.

Now let's throw in $500/month for student loans, and we have $100/month left over! Woah! Not good. That doesn't pay for gas, electric, clothes, car insurance and so many other necessities.

Thank goodness we have a second income of 1400/month. Now just over half of that goes to daycare (175/wk and that is cheap here!).

This leaves us with 775 for the month. (the 100 from the first paycheck, and the 675 remaining from the other paycheck.)

Now we cannot live off of the 100/month for gas groceries etc., but the second income can help pay for those things.

Now we barely make it. We don't go out to eat. We shop at grocery stores like save-a-lot or price-right where the food is never fresh and often questionable. Our cars are over 10 years old and probably wont last much longer. We don't qualify for any assistance because we make too much.

If we went from paying $175 to paying $275 a month we would have 400/month for gas, groceries, utilities and clothes.

It's not that I am not willing to sacrifice for my daughter. It's that we cannot afford to.

The person making 1400/month needs to quit their day job and find an evening/weekend job.

On a 5 week month, you're paying $875, making 1400 (I'm assuming taxes need to be taken out, gas, and work related expenses) that's not even a 500/m profit.

This person could work JUST Saturday, make up the difference, and your daughter could stay home with a parent.

[Blackcat31]

NOT directed at OP....

Why oh why does every unhappy or disgruntled parent choose to take this route? *sigh*

[Josiegirl]

You said another parent witnessed giving their child a 'pow wow' before putting them in the corner? Not sure what you mean by a pow wow but even just placing a child in a corner these days, is old school type of discipline. Even using time outs have pretty much become old school to most. They don't work, kids really don't sit there thinking about what they've done and what they should do instead but about how not to get caught or maybe even creating plans in their little minds with narrow blinders, about getting even.
It sounds like your provider has gotten to the frustrated, I can't do this anymore, stage of the game. Three little ones can be downright hard to have together. Jealousy can be a huge factor of course!! And as bad as a young child hitting an adult seems, I've had it happen to me. I say it does happen. I've been doing this 35 years. Kids bite you, hit you, spit at you, throw stuff at you. That does not mean you kick them out or refuse to work with them. That does not mean it's normal, or appropriate BUT until they learn better coping skills, it's what they know. In our view point, It does show disrespect but truthfully, how many kids that are 21 months old know what respect is yet? Kids get angry, upset, are strong-willed, and instead of calming themselves down and have an adult type conversation with the adult victim, they will strike out to the nearest person. Kids get mad. They take it out on someone. 21 months old?? Hardly out of babyhood. But you cannot make a provider deal with issues the same way you would like to see happen.

Do you know what the state requirements are in R.I. for child care? I'm simply asking because it sounds to me like it might benefit you and your little one, to keep her home with you until she's a little bit older. You could care for children, legally unlicensed(IF it's allowed in your state), even just 2 dcks might equal what you're bringing home now. Just a thought, I truly don't know. But it could be a temporary solution to your problem.

[daycarediva]

and I'm NOT trying to be harsh, when I had my last child I was making enough to have $100/week left over out of my check after taxes and daycare. I spoke to dh. I quit my day job, and worked a few evenings and/or weekends. I made up the difference. Then I started doing daycare legally unlicensed (2 kids was 300/week then) and the rest is history.

In my case, I was so good at the job I never went back to my previous work. My kids are all in school now so working FT during the day isn't as much an issue, and there is no daycare associated with it.

[Josiegirl]

Just read your pow wow post. Okay, yeh, not okay for any child and if it happened to my child I'm be as angry as a bee.

BC, please explain your last statement about disgruntled parents? I'm kinda dense.

Oop, just reread something that you were probably referring to. Just a bit slow today, 4 kiddos here and it seems like as soon as they lay down, they all have to get up and go potty again. Even if they went 4 minutes ago.

[daycarediva]

Why oh why does every unhappy or disgruntled parent choose to take this route? *sigh*

I hear you. It's frustrating because so many lies are told that it's hard to know when it's truly happening. Disgruntled parents make up claims so often to 'get back' at the provider.

If her child has been there since 7 months and was doing great previously, I would tend to believe that these things WEREN'T happening. Who knows.

[Blackcat31]

BC, please explain your last statement about disgruntled parents? I'm kinda dense.

Oop, just reread something that you were probably referring to. Just a bit slow today, 4 kiddos here and it seems like as soon as they lay down, they all have to get up and go potty again. Even if they went 4 minutes ago.

No worries...

It always goes something like this:

Parent and provider are having an issue.
Parent doesnt get told what they want/get what they want the provider is automatically bad.
Other parents "said" X, Y or Z. NONE of which were variables in the situation until the parent didn't get the results or answer they wanted.

OP said her DD loves her provider.
OP said she didn't want to move her.
OP had NO complaints about provider.

Until none of us agreed or told her what she (OP) wanted to hear. Suddenly the provider is the now bad guy.....

Everyone likes you until you say no or fail to follow instructions, then we are the ones in the wrong.

[Josiegirl]

Haha, well I was totally off the mark. I thought it had something to do with not affording different dc or something. Guess my denseness is thicker than I thought.

Ok, back to business.

[daycarediva]

Ok, I'm really going to be the bad guy and say this-

some behaviors that parents describe as normal are NOT normal. I have had 'temper tantrums' (described by parent) that reminded me of something out of the exorcist. It could have been escalated by this situation (jealousy of new infants) and now be SO extreme the provider wants to cover her butt by getting a dr involved.

I've seen autism, SPD/SID, ADHD, ODD, and learning disabilities WELL before a parent has.

[Leigh]

I've had this conversation with parents before. I'm trying to help them see that their child needs help, they see it as an assault and withdrawal of my affection for their child. I don't try to help families with kids I just plain don't like. I ask those families to leave. Not every child I have termed has been a child that I just didn't like (there have only been a couple of those in my career). Some of the last kids I termed were flat out my favorite kids ever (they still come spend the night with me from time to time). I had to term them because they were no longer doing well in my environment. They went to a friend of mine who is much more structured and much more strict than I. They needed an environment that I wasn't willing to provide (lots of rules and very strict discipline and punishment-I try not to use punishment in my home if I can avoid it).

Others are correct-you can't demand that the daycare work with you on YOUR child's behavior. That's a parental responsibility. The jealousy thing is surely part of the issue, but that isn't something that started at daycare-that's from your child's own sense of self and entitlement (this isn't a slam here, all kids feel that they are the center of the world to an extent).

The tantrums are normal. They start around age 2. Sleep regression is also normal around this age. Those aren't caused by the daycare provider, but by biology.

Hitting the provider, not being able to be redirected by the provider-those things don't fall under "normal" to me, either. Your child isn't broken. Your child isn't likely mentally ill. She just needs to learn that she needs to share her caregiver (and that's hard) and that she needs to respect adult authority. Rather than telling your provider to work with you, reach out and ask what you can do to work with her and make your child more comfortable and minimize disruptions to her environment.

I would suggest making an appointment with a children's therapist (for yourself-it's doubtful that they'd take on a child as young as yours) and ask for advice on how to help your daughter deal with what's going on, and what you can do at home to help her build confidence and feel less threatened by her loss of position as baby.

Contacting other parents, IMO, was an extremely immature thing to do. You're digging for dirt. You want someone to validate your feelings. It's quite unlikely that any other family who left, voluntarily or not, would have a lot of nice things to say. Remember that the reason your daughter feels her position is threatened is likely because this provider made her feel special and gave her "extra".

[CityGarden]

Unfortunately, I don't see another option at this time.

Your daughter is telling you that mixed age care is not for her. That is ok. There are as many types of daycare as there are many types of children.

Your daughter will most likely greatly benefit from being in a larger group of same aged children, instead.

A change of environment is exactly what I'd recommend to you as your provider in this scenario. I have been in business, successfully, 23 years, now. It is not you, it is not the provider, it is simply the environment and mismatched needs.

RIWorkingMom - I do feel Catherder gave you a really honest response, with a possible solution. Your child is trying to communicate her needs and part of our responsibility as parents is responding to those needs.

Realizing a place may no longer be the right fit is not something to be ashamed of or defensive about. Imagine what a gift it will be for your daughter for you to hear her and respond to her needs. lovethis

There are home-based programs that are 2+, I run one and love it! Due to my program being home-based it is multi-age (2-5 years) which I don't mind in small numbers however I also see the value in classes by age range and my own dd thrived in that setting (2s class, 3s class, etc.) My program offers so many enrichment activities built in that I know I could not do while also caring for infants.

[Mom2Two]

Above poverty level but barely

Soooo...then you would likely qualify for state assistance. There are tons of financial help for familes between 100% and 133% of poverty level.

I reached out to other parent's that have left, and it is hard to not make the provider the bad guy when she has treated so many other kids the same way.

If she's only been in business 2.5 years, how does she have so many parents who have left?

[RIWorkingMom]

No worries...

It always goes something like this:

Parent and provider are having an issue.
Parent doesnt get told what they want/get what they want the provider is automatically bad.
Other parents "said" X, Y or Z. NONE of which were variables in the situation until the parent didn't get the results or answer they wanted.

OP said her DD loves her provider.
OP said she didn't want to move her.
OP had NO complaints about provider.

Until none of us agreed or told her what she (OP) wanted to hear. Suddenly the provider is the now bad guy.....

Everyone likes you until you say no or fail to follow instructions, then we are the ones in the wrong.

Actually, as soon as you guys said that it wasn't a good fit, I started texting other parents to see where they went and how the kids adjusted. That's when I started hearing all of these things.