My Biggest Mistake

[Pestle]

I'm so glad you're in a relationship like that, Meeko! I've learned the hard way that adults with my husband's condition create a "parent/child" dynamic in their marriages, turning themselves into a passive member of the relationship.

And others grew up in more traditional families where the woman is basically a housekeeper/nanny and has no income, no access to bank accounts, no say in how the family operates. Back when my husband worked as a bank teller, he saw a lot of older widows and women whose husbands were in nursing homes; they had never even written a check before or paid a bill, and were helpless.

I think, in order to have a healthy marriage, it must take two people who were healthy to begin with--not in the relationship in order to control another person or to have another person control everything for them--and who put in a lot of effort with the mindset that they'll always be working to improve themselves. It's easy to get into a routine and build resentment without realizing your partner is also suffering.

[TXhomedaycare]

I would set up a business account and run the business with that! Keep all your expenses seperate from the household such as groceries and such.

Does your state offer food programs where they reimburse a portion for all daycare meals?

Check around and make sure your rates are comparable to others in your area. I don't know TX rates, but yours seems low to me.

Good Luck 😊

I do track my expenses really well for personal and tax reasons but it is the unexpected stuff I think I struggle with. My rates are a little low for my area but I started 3 years ago with no experience and have slowly raised my rates. I think I should be a little higher because I provide a great program compared to the competition even if I have less experience. I have a waiting list and know I could raise my rates with little to no issues and for ages 2-5 only $150 is tops in this area for at home care.

You don't need a separate account to do the accounting. Set yourself up an excel spreadsheet and keep track of your own budget. No matter what bank account it goes into you can (and should) be keeping track of what is coming and going from the business side. Won't you need that info to do taxes at the end of the year anyway?

Even easier, go to Everydollar.com, set up a free account and use it to budget and keep track of your business expenses.

All my money comes each week in cash and goes into our own personal account. But I can still tell you exactly how much I've made this month, and what I plan on spending next month.

If YOU are keeping track of the business finances, it doesn't matter what account its banked in. And he can't argue with facts, especially if you've got them up to date and on paper.

I know how much I make but the issue is my husband does not give me a budget to invest back in my business. I am going to try and put something together to show him I need an amount to work with each month to put towards the business.

I think if you decide a monthly budget for those things, it will help. If you are currently trying the Dave Ramsey method, add envelopes for those things.

Then your DH will see ahead of time the budget that needs to be spent for daycare expenses. I understand that needs change and the monthly budget won't always be the same but you can still plan an amount. Any overages, go into the next months budget so you would potentially be able to have a bit of "extra" saved for months that require a bit more spending.

Are you on the Food Program? If so, the reimbursement from that should be able to make a pretty sizable dent in the grocery bill for daycare.

Its tough to explain/show someone what kind of income/expenses go into this business because it's not very concrete and changes all the time. Plus the majority of people (spouses included sometimes) think "babysitting" shouldn't cost the "babysitter" anything but time. It's a common misconception so don't think your DH is immune to that thought process and one of the ways to help him understand is to write out a monthly budget for the daycare he an visibly see. IME, most men (not all) are visual learners so a written budget (spreadsheet/flow chart etc) might be super helpful.

Hang in there.... daycare, parenting, marriage, life....it's all a work in progress. You are not alone! :hug:

Thanks. I am part of the food program and I get $200-300 per month that I keep in a seperate acount but I tend to have to use that for the things he doesn't give me much of a budget for (I also tithe out of that money and he does not agree with that a whole other topic). I am formulating a plan and will go over it with him this weekend and hope we get on the same page. Pray for me

[Cat Herder]

I guess I am considered old fashioned.

I cannot even fathom living like room mates only, where we each have our own lives, accounts and bills.

I do not mean to offend anyone...but why even get married if you do not intend to share any more than the bedroom? That's not a marriage...it's just roomies with benefits.

I am also considered old fashioned, I am not offended (you are one of my favorite people ) and disagree with your view of marriage wholeheartedly. I learned to separate finances from my elders. I was taught by my uber educated, happily married 'til death, Great Aunt & Uncle about maintaining a strong marriage.

I was a fully self supporting adult when I got married and remain one afterward. We have joint goals and personal goals. A Marriage certificate won't change that for us, we make the rules in our marriage. We are a team.

I don't want him to bear the weight of supporting me. To me THAT is not marriage, it is obligation. I don't want to be supported, to me that feels like wasted potential at best and disabling/demeaning at worst. I am proud of my work ethic and success, it holds value to me. To lose that would effect my self-worth, just as it would my husband. I know one day disability comes for us all, but not today.

We choose to live below our means, each paying our half and deeply enjoy our time together. We use what is left to fund our IRA's & life insurance and plan for the future when we no longer HAVE the ability to earn and save as we wish. At that time, we can re-evaluate what works for us.

Marriage is as individual as the people in them. I love mine.

[MrsSteinel'sHouse]

I started a second account for childcare about 5 years ago (I know I should have 20 years ago). The reason is because we were applying for a loan and without giving them all of our personal bank account information they wouldn't consider my income even with the C form because it was in the summer. Anyway that gave me a kick in the butt to open a separate account so if I ever need to "prove income" I can. I have always paid the bills etc for us so that is not an issue. Maybe you could tell your husband you were reading up and you think a second account for the business would be a good idea. Do you think he could make it work if you could deposit a set amount each week in to your joint account? Also tell him that childcare only expenses would come from that account and that way if you are audited by the IRS it will be easier. Then hoard back some money until you have a little "savings" to reinvest.

[TXhomedaycare]

I am also considered old fashioned, I am not offended (you are one of my favorite people ) and disagree with your view of marriage wholeheartedly. I learned to separate finances from my elders. I was taught by my uber educated, happily married 'til death, Great Aunt & Uncle about maintaining a strong marriage.

I was a fully self supporting adult when I got married and remain one afterward. We have joint goals and personal goals. A Marriage certificate won't change that for us, we make the rules in our marriage. We are a team.

I don't want him to bear the weight of supporting me. To me THAT is not marriage, it is obligation. I don't want to be supported, to me that feels like wasted potential at best and disabling/demeaning at worst. I am proud of my work ethic and success, it holds value to me. To lose that would effect my self-worth, just as it would my husband. I know one day disability comes for us all, but not today.

We choose to live below our means, each paying our half and deeply enjoy our time together. We use what is left to fund our IRA's & life insurance and plan for the future when we no longer HAVE the ability to earn and save as we wish. At that time, we can re-evaluate what works for us.

Marriage is as individual as the people in them. I love mine.

I find your response interesting. I was raised old fashion as well and was told to keep our money jointly and my parents did except that my mom hid money from my dad :: . My husband and I met in high school but married when I was living on my own and I was making a lot more money than him. Now that we have 2 kids and I decided to be at home with them he makes the bacon and I make the bacon bits . I am ok with him supporting the family for the most part because it is for the betterment of our children. I also contribute on many levels that don't earn me a paycheck (besides the fact that we dont pay for chikdcare, I cut my husbands and our sons hair, cook most nights, work a hand me down system with my neighbors for clothes etc). I don't find my value and worth just by my career and income. I also know that if I worked outside the home I could find a well paying job and take care of myself if I had to. I am still and individual and we both have personal and joint goals and a happy marriage we just do it differently and I think we are in a different phase of life than you. Having kids, working like we do and helping to take care of both of our families (his mother and grandmother and me my parents) we have little time together but enjoy it when we do. I think we can make it work if we budget together and set up cash envelopes for our different needs/wants. Thank you for your input I am hoping to find what works best for us.

[jenboo]

I didn't say it was impossible but knowing my husband this would make our situation worse. We are trying to follow the Dave Ramsey plan to get out of debt and our church also says married couples should have joint accounts for accountability and other reasons. My husband will use every dime we have after bills to pay things off which is great but I have to remind him about groceries and clothes or things for the house that he doesn't understand we need or how often they need to be replaced. My husband probably does resent me for spending money and I resent him for not leaving me any money. We recently discussed this and agreed to do the cash system and I am sure that will help but I still hate I didn't establish my business in a different way. I will bring this up to him but I know he is going to think I am holding out (my brother and his wife do this and my brother was struggling to pay his half and take care of all kinds of things for their 5 boys and my sister in law was saving for a family vacation and using "her" money for things they can't afford). I'm not sure I am fully on board with seperate accounts myself but I will bring it up and discuss it with him.

I didn't read all the replys.
So if you are following Dave Ramsey, then you should have a zero-based budget each month.
Do you guys sit down each month and calculate your budget together?

[TXhomedaycare]

I didn't read all the replys.
So if you are following Dave Ramsey, then you should have a zero-based budget each month.
Do you guys sit down each month and calculate your budget together?

yes last month was the first month that we did that and it was rough trying to figure everything out. We will work on April's budget together this week.

[Kimskiddos]

I guess I am considered old fashioned.

I went down the aisle "me" and came back part of "we".

We are married. Two people joined together. We vowed to share our lives together and for 36 years that's exactly what we have done.

WE pay OUR bills and OUR obligations out of OUR account. We share everything. We discuss and decide everything together.

I cannot even fathom living like room mates only, where we each have our own lives, accounts and bills.

I do not mean to offend anyone...but why even get married if you do not intend to share any more than the bedroom? That's not a marriage...it's just roomies with benefits.

[Mom2Two]

1. If you form an LLC, one of the laws (in our state) is that the business has their own checking account. If you are the sole owner (much less hassle that way) then only your name is on the account.

2. We have two joint checking accounts. My husband pays the bills (mortgage, auto, insurance, utilities), his business expenses/investments, and some gifts/entertainment (most dates). I pay for housekeeping, kid stuff, family stuff (vacations/family entertainment), most home/garden fix ups, and also business stuff including my van loan (eight seater for daycare transport).

It's kind of divided so he gets to be the man and provide and we live according to the standard of living that he can afford, which isn't a high standard of living (older cars), but it's okay.

And I pay for homemaking/kid stuff. So we also take the kind of vacations and eat the kind of food that I can afford. I invest in my business as I can afford it or need to.

We do make most decisions together, and we listen to each other, but this way, we don't end up taking hits for every single decision the other makes.

I won't go on and on about why it's not a great idea for us to just have one account, but it's not.

It's also kinda cool that this encourages him to learn new skills to stretch his budget, like repairing his lawn equipment.

[Mom2Two]

Meeko: I agree with what you're saying, but sometimes a spouse can be stubborn about something and if things are not working well to do it jointly, separately can reduce stress and conflict.

[Pestle]

Meeko: I agree with what you're saying, but sometimes a spouse can be stubborn about something and if things are not working well to do it jointly, separately can reduce stress and conflict.

Yes, if compulsive spending or anxiety-based over-controlling behavior is present in the marriage, then the partner with the problem needs to step back from controlling the finances. It's damaging to them, as well, to have access to what's creating a mental-health and behavioral issue.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

It sounds like his irritation is with having a home daycare. He doesnt want them ruining the stuff you guys have paid for and he is taking his frustration out on daycare. I would sit and write it all out. The pros, cons, financials, ect. Figure out where your money goes and decide how to manage it. I know a lot of people who keeps finances separate or together...the main thing is communication! Good luck to you!:hug:

[Cat Herder]

I found an interesting article on this topic. I remembered reading it, linked here, before

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199901/men-women-and-money

"When men make more money than their spouse, they believe their superior earnings entitle them to greater power in decision-making. By contrast, women who make more than their mates almost always desire democratic decision-making.

As a woman and a therapist, I have a definite bias towards shared decisionmaking and shared power. It is the only arrangement that works. I prefer to think of men's sense of money not as an entitlement but as a defense against the terrible provider burden they carry.

Men are trained to believe that money equals power and that power is the path to respect. However, power and control are not compatible with intimacy. Relationships succeed only when both partners are willing to display their vulnerabilities to each other. It's important for men to know that failing to share power cheats them of the intimacy and love they want.

Another important difference between men and women concerns their interests in merging their money. Typically, men want to merge all the couple money--while maintaining primary decision-making power. Women want to keep at least some money separate.

The fight goes like this:

HE: "Why do you want separate money? You must not trust me. Are you planning to file for a divorce?"

SHE: "Why do you want to merge all of our money? It must be that you want to control me."

There may be truth in both positions. Still, experience has led me to see a very positive, and probably unconscious, longing in both views, and it has to do with the challenge of intimacy. Merging, getting connected and staying connected, is more difficult for men. At the first sign of conflict, it's easy for them to withdraw.

I believe that men's desire to merge the family money is a loving expression of the desire for intimacy and connection. Perhaps it is even a safeguard against their withdrawing. I have come to see that women want separate money as a loving expression of their need for healthy autonomy. Their biggest challenge in relationships is not losing themselves; it's holding on to their own sense of self.

Neither his demand for merged money nor her desire for separate funds is a position taken up against the spouse--although that is how partners tend to see it. When couples understand this, their new perspective has the power to transform their entire relationship.

American culture, I believe, makes a big mistake in pressuring married couples to merge all their money."

"Money issues are different from other problems in relationships. They're harder to talk about and harder to resolve because of our extensive cultural conditioning. The most important thing in couples communication is empathy, or putting yourself in your partner's place. It is almost always more important to be heard and understood than to have a partner agree with what you say." - Continued

[TXhomedaycare]

It sounds like his irritation is with having a home daycare. He doesnt want them ruining the stuff you guys have paid for and he is taking his frustration out on daycare. I would sit and write it all out. The pros, cons, financials, ect. Figure out where your money goes and decide how to manage it. I know a lot of people who keeps finances separate or together...the main thing is communication! Good luck to you!:hug:

yes. This is the underlying issue and the funny thing is the home daycare was his idea and he is here during daycare hours and sees how things go (I don't let the kids go crazy and tear things up, he is off during the week). My husband likes to ignore reality and see things the way he thinks they should go. In his utopia things would need to be fixed or replaced ever 5 years and a meal out to eat should be $10 for the whole family (4 people) and the portion sizes would be larger, the grass would only need to be cut once a month when he shaves :: and so on. Those are a few things he complains about.

[Alwaysgreener]

2. We have two joint checking accounts. My husband pays the bills (mortgage, auto, insurance, utilities), his business expenses/investments, and some gifts/entertainment (most dates). I pay for housekeeping, kid stuff, family stuff (vacations/family entertainment), most home/garden fix ups, and also business stuff including my van loan (eight seater for daycare transport).

Joint accounts not separate and you are working as one team to accomplish the goal and sharing the finances. Just like any household chore, finances can be a shared.
If anything were to happen and one of you couldn't write out a check the other could. If the account is ONLY in one name then you would be unable to access YOUR money and you will struggle with finances until you get access, if you ever get access.