Afraid Of Men?

[Ariana]

I have a 3 year old dcg who seems to be very scared of men. She has been like it since she started with me at 18 months and is still afraid of my DH. Sometimes DH is my backup if I need a break or help and this child creates an issue because of this irrational fear.

This morning I had a bad headache and needed to lie down while my meds took effect. My DH tried to cover for an hour and she cried and cried to the point I had to get up.

All of the other kids love my DH and he is great with kids. Has anyone had any experience with this? Is this normal? I figured she would grow out of it but it doesn't seem to be happening. Some things online suggest she should see a psychologist but I am not bringing that up. Could it be a sign of abuse? I don't want to push her if it is.

[JackandJill]

I have a child like this! It isn't just my husband either, if a dcd drops off/picks up, she gets teared up and hugs my leg. I don't think its abuse, I think some kids are just super shy.

I have never paid too much attention to it, because I don't want to inadvertently encourage the behavior.

Would love to hear what others say!

[Blackcat31]

I've had kids like this before too. None right now thankfully!

Since my DH is here alot, most don't mind (if I'm still here too) or they warm up to him without issues but since I use DH as my substitute, I would have to call that child's parent during the time my DH subs.

I can't allow one child's behavior to dictate my day.

[Pestle]

I knew a toddler who'd burst into terrified screams at the sight of any man with a beard. (His dad was clean-shaven.)

[Ariana]

Ok glad this is normal! I have never ever seen a kid like this so I have no clue how to deal with it and I need my Dh to cover sometimes.

This particular DCG is full of drama anyway and I only have a few more months to go happyface

[Mike]

Abuse could be a reason she's afraid of men, but there are other options as well. Since she has seen the other kids enjoy the company of your husband and is still afraid of him, I would seriously want to figure out what was wrong and would be suspicious of abuse.

What I personally would do, if she has some vocabulary, is ask her some simple questions. Try this:
Are you afraid of men?
If she says no, she could be afraid to say something. Ask similar questions, like "Do men scare you?" or "Did a man hurt you?"
If she says yes, ask her why and pay attention to her expressions or reactions because that will often give a better answer than her vocal one. If she says why, continue from there, but with very general, and not leading, questions. If she doesn't say why, ask her:
Did a man hurt you?
Do you have a secret you can't tell?
At her age, if there is abuse, she may know enough to keep a secret, but won't be smart enough to think about general questions like those.

If she talks at all, and there is a possibility of abuse, be careful...

You can't do any kind of leading, like asking about a specific person, or giving specific examples of abuse. Ask general questions that let her answer in her own, limited, words, like...

What does someone do to you, or make you do?
What will happen if you don't keep the secret?
Does the person keep hurting you?
Do other people hurt you?

If there is any chance there is family abuse, you don't want to bring it up with the parents, but if it sounds like it's not them, it should be safe to talk to them. She will then need to go to a child psychologist who can do the proper further diagnosing. If it could be family abuse, be ready for a high pressure job. You might be her only chance to get out of it, and you only have a few more months to do it.

Go little by little. Tomorrow, just ask the first couple questions. See if she gives a clue as to why. Don't worry about getting more detail right away if it does look like abuse, unless she suddenly wants to talk. If it does look like possible abuse, post or PM me what you find out and I will help you with what to do or ask next.


I hope this whole post of mine is a waste of time, but if there is abuse, we are their only chance of help, and it's a fact that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused by the time they are 18, and 1/3 of them start when they are infants. Add in other forms of abuse, and probably half the kids you've watched will be abused at least once in their growing years.

[Ariana]

I agree Mike and I will try to ask some non leading questions but at the same time there is no way these parents would take allegations of abuse seriously. They won't even take her speech issues seriously.

The only thing that stands out as possible abuse is that she refuses to sleep at home and seems terrified of going to sleep there, plus being afraid of men. She has been around my husband for nearly 2 years so if it was abuse wouldn't she know he is safe? I really don't know. She sleeps fine here.

I think I will just leave it for now. She is leaving in June and I feel that without any real evidence there isn't much I can do. There is so much going on with this kid and this family. So much drama. There very well could be some form of abuse going on. The infant refuses to eat and had to go see an OT! It is definiteky odd.

[hwichlaz]

I knew a toddler who'd burst into terrified screams at the sight of any man with a beard. (His dad was clean-shaven.)

That's kind of how I feel myself.

It's because I have a hard time reading people's faces, and I get really nervous when they cover them up.

[hwichlaz]

What I personally would do, if she has some vocabulary, is ask her some simple questions. Try this:
Are you afraid of men?
If she says no, she could be afraid to say something. Ask similar questions, like "Do men scare you?" or "Did a man hurt you?"
If she says yes, ask her why and pay attention to her expressions or reactions because that will often give a better answer than her vocal one. If she says why, continue from there, but with very general, and not leading, questions. If she doesn't say why, ask her:
Did a man hurt you?
Do you have a secret you can't tell?
At her age, if there is abuse, she may know enough to keep a secret, but won't be smart enough to think about general questions like those.

Please don't. So many kids that age will just answer how they think you want them to. We're not trained investigators. Never question a child yourself.

[Mike]

I agree Mike and I will try to ask some non leading questions but at the same time there is no way these parents would take allegations of abuse seriously. They won't even take her speech issues seriously.

The only thing that stands out as possible abuse is that she refuses to sleep at home and seems terrified of going to sleep there, plus being afraid of men. She has been around my husband for nearly 2 years so if it was abuse wouldn't she know he is safe? I really don't know. She sleeps fine here.

I think I will just leave it for now. She is leaving in June and I feel that without any real evidence there isn't much I can do. There is so much going on with this kid and this family. So much drama. There very well could be some form of abuse going on. The infant refuses to eat and had to go see an OT! It is definiteky odd.

Again, I hope I'm wrong, but the bolded part gave me the shivers. I've read many true stories by abuse victims and one thing they all have in common is, if the abuser is at home, they sleep very little there and get their sleep elsewhere. She can sleep at your place because even though there is a man there, she's not AS afraid of him because he hasn't done anything... yet. She is afraid he might, because it's what men do, but she feels safer there than at home.

Do you know who lives at her home? Just parents and kids, or is a friend or relative (male of course) staying there too? That's another simple question you could ask. How many people live at home, and who are they. Another good idea would be for art time, have all the kids draw pictures of their homes and families. Victims almost always give clues, often without knowing it, in their pictures. Things like one black window, or one person away from the rest. Even at age 3, kids have been known to draw a simple box house and include 1 black window, or sometimes even a blotch of red in one place. And they can draw stick figures of people and automatically place them self or the abuser away from the rest.

[Mike]

Please don't. So many kids that age will just answer how they think you want them to. We're not trained investigators. Never question a child yourself.

That's why it has to be simple and non leading questions. If there ever is possible abuse, it needs to be handled by the pros, but a few simple questions can be asked to help see if there is something to report. If anyone doesn't feel they should ask any questions, but things there can be abuse, the other option is to just make a call and explain what you know and let them decide if they need to investigate.

[Blackcat31]

That's why it has to be simple and non leading questions. If there ever is possible abuse, it needs to be handled by the pros, but a few simple questions can be asked to help see if there is something to report. If anyone doesn't feel they should ask any questions, but things there can be abuse, the other option is to just make a call and explain what you know and let them decide if they need to investigate.

This is what mandated reporter training teaches us.

We are never to question, comment or discuss our suspicions with the child.
We are to only document what we know/see/hear and report.

Once the proper agency is aware, they decide the next steps, if any.

[hwichlaz]

That's why it has to be simple and non leading questions. If there ever is possible abuse, it needs to be handled by the pros, but a few simple questions can be asked to help see if there is something to report. If anyone doesn't feel they should ask any questions, but things there can be abuse, the other option is to just make a call and explain what you know and let them decide if they need to investigate.

Specific questions like "are you afraid of men, did a man hurt you?" are best left to the pros.

BUT when we notice a child is having problems like this, we can refer parents to services. When the parents refuse to address the issues and have kids evaluated...and our spidey sense is pinging...we can then call CPS and tell them why we suspect.

Because a child with issues like this, who's parents refuse to get the child help, is suspect.

edited to add: this is what I've learned from our training from CPS

[DaveA]

Obviously never had in my home daycare but have run into it in centers. It can make for a long day as a float/ sub.

I've had kids like this before too. None right now thankfully!

Since my DH is here alot, most don't mind (if I'm still here too) or they warm up to him without issues but since I use DH as my substitute, I would have to call that child's parent during the time my DH subs.

I can't allow one child's behavior to dictate my day.

I've had girls who were scared of/ hated my wife. Times where she was subbing for me DCPs knew they would have to pick up if DCG was a distraction or disruption.

I'm very leery of making the mental jump to abuse just because of this.

[Mike]

Sorry, maybe questions aren't a good idea then. This definitely sounds like a case for a call though. It still may not be abuse, but they can figure that out.