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I have dcg who likes to be held...all-the-time. She is almost 2. She's an only child and I think she's held a lot at home. I hold her for a bit and will then set her down to which she will cry and tantrum for up to 10 minutes or so. I feel like a meanie but I feel it's unfair to the others. She's really sensitive and cries a lot if things don't go her way or if another dck upsets her. I know how to fix this because I corrected this problem with my own children but I'm thinking their parenting style isn't like mine. I don't think they let her cry. I just let her cry until she feels better, then I invite her to join the rest of us. I feel like dcm and dcd wouldn't agree. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you correct it?
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I have a dcg (just turned 2) who, after about 6 months of care, is starting to melt down over everything (and sometimes nothing). For her, I think that it's just a stage as her parents initiated a discussion and wanted to be sure that I wasn't "catering", I guess. No worries here. We go about our business until she pulls herself together. I'm hoping that it's not a long stage as it is wearing on the nerves.Comment
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Children need to learn emotional regulation and thankfully she will get that at your house. She has to learn that crying is a normal reaction to stress and she can get herself together and get over it. I found this way harder with my own kids because my own children crying produces some sort of uncontrollable physical response in me and I had to work through it. I think most parents aren't able to do that. They want that visceral reaction to stop so they pick their kid up.
You are definitely not being a meanie! I would explain to the parent like this "we are working on her being more independant here and learning emotional regulation when she gets upset, today she did really well and only cried for 10minutes when I didn't hold her.... might be something you guys can work on with her at home too so she can become more independant".Comment
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In a college course I took once on social emotional development, one of the tips they gave for helping kids build secure attachments is that if they want to be held, hold them.
But ONLY hold them when sitting down on the floor and sit with them facing away from you.
Don't go over board with talking/interaction etc.
No books, no toys, nothing.
Just sit with her on your lap.
Ideally, sit where she can see the other's playing.
She will eventually learn that sitting on your lap is boooo-ring and will begin to move a little ways away from you.
If necessary, set a timer and tell her you will hold her until the bell goes off. When the bell goes off, tell her "Times up. Go play!" Gradually decrease the time but most likely she will want to go off and play as sitting on your lap is boring.
Rinse and repeat until she no longer wants to be held so much. Hopefully, she will adjust as this type of behavior is almost always rooted in parenting style and usually doesn't change unless the parents do too.Comment
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Except I'd say "for a few minutes" instead of 10 minutes. 10 minutes may seem short to us, but too long to the parents.
ITA about self-regulation. I know a child who's never been allowed to manage his own emotions - mom has always been there to do it for him. At 5 he's not able to handle his emotions.Comment
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Great strategy. Thank youIn a college course I took once on social emotional development, one of the tips they gave for helping kids build secure attachments is that if they want to be held, hold them.
But ONLY hold them when sitting down on the floor and sit with them facing away from you.
Don't go over board with talking/interaction etc.
No books, no toys, nothing.
Just sit with her on your lap.
Ideally, sit where she can see the other's playing.
She will eventually learn that sitting on your lap is boooo-ring and will begin to move a little ways away from you.
If necessary, set a timer and tell her you will hold her until the bell goes off. When the bell goes off, tell her "Times up. Go play!" Gradually decrease the time but most likely she will want to go off and play as sitting on your lap is boring.
Rinse and repeat until she no longer wants to be held so much. Hopefully, she will adjust as this type of behavior is almost always rooted in parenting style and usually doesn't change unless the parents do too.Comment
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I've tried this but with no luck. Ive had two kids that would sit on my lap the whole day vs play. It wasn't getting better and created a larger fit when i had to get up. One child doesn't play. He just stands in the corners or sits under tables most days.In a college course I took once on social emotional development, one of the tips they gave for helping kids build secure attachments is that if they want to be held, hold them.
But ONLY hold them when sitting down on the floor and sit with them facing away from you.
Don't go over board with talking/interaction etc.
No books, no toys, nothing.
Just sit with her on your lap.
Ideally, sit where she can see the other's playing.
She will eventually learn that sitting on your lap is boooo-ring and will begin to move a little ways away from you.
If necessary, set a timer and tell her you will hold her until the bell goes off. When the bell goes off, tell her "Times up. Go play!" Gradually decrease the time but most likely she will want to go off and play as sitting on your lap is boring.
Rinse and repeat until she no longer wants to be held so much. Hopefully, she will adjust as this type of behavior is almost always rooted in parenting style and usually doesn't change unless the parents do too.
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Another idea to add to BlackCats is to agree to hold their hand instead. That worked for me.Comment
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