Are All Parents Liars?

[Ariana]

I have been noticing a trend recently with my daycare kids. They all seem to want and need excessive amounts of sleep at my house. Normally nap is 2 hours but am finding that my last 3 daycare kids have needed at least 5 hours here to function. They get to my house exhausted (for reasons like cosleeping, skipping naps, inconsistant schedules, night wakings etc) and then their behavior reflects the tiredness. Crying over every little thing, not wanting to participate and generally upset until I put them down to nap.

Whenever I mention it to the parents they are shocked at how much they sleep here and are shocked by the behavior. What gives?! Why are kids so different at my house? Am I just picking up on behavior the parents are not picking up on? Sometimes I think the kids know they will get their needs met because I have always had great sleepers and I make them that way through training. Currently my DCG only naps here, nowhere else and that has pretty much been the story with all my kids since I started.

Is it worth it to even tell the parents? Is the shock fake? I just don't understand how kids can be so different at home than at my house. It is causing real problems for me and my ability to do my job. I always get into this situation at my home where kids are coming to me exhausted and I have to rectify the situation in my home. These kids are suffering and their development is suffering and it breaks my heart and creates so much stress for me. My own daughter ends up missing out because the kid is asleep practically the whole time they are here.

Any thoughts or advice? I am very close to closing my doors and just giving up altogether. Maybe the fact that the kids are only here part time is causing this because I have little control over their routine the days they are not here.

[midaycare]

Are all parents liars? I'm going to go with yes, but I'm having a DAY

Kids do act different for me, normally better. I think parents don't want to be judged. And parenting is hard work. Which many parents choose not to do (the hard work).

[mommyneedsadayoff]

Like midday, im having a bad day so im gonna be brutally honest. Yes, parents lie, but more importantly, they are giving up their role as an adult in the household the minue their child is born. I was asked to contribute to a blog on parenting stules and just researching it makes me want to explode. When did we get 52 ways to be a parent and who threw common sense out the window? Not all, but many parents are extremely in over their heads.

[Blackcat31]

Yes, my kiddos are very similar to yours as are my daycare parents.

My thoughts on this subject are that the parents (most of them) truly are shocked because they don't see what we see....

We see the capabilities of each individual child and what things they are perfectly able to do... the child the parent sees is vastly different than the one I see.

I think that because of that ^^ the things we try to educate or inform our clients about simply do not make sense to them. kwim?

For example my dog... ..... when he is home all day with my DH he is a completely different dog than the one I come home to. The dog I have wants to be snuggled and listens to me about 50% of the time, whines and will do things he wouldn't dream of doing for or when he is with my hubby....basically my dog is co-dependent and attached. :: The dog my hubs has listens every time the first time and behaves like your standard "Man's best friend" and is a very nice dog.

So yes I think the different perspectives, behaviors and the expectations all play a role in what you are seeing....

It's gotten worse now days simply because there are less and less families that see the true value in the basics (good sleep, good exercise, good food) and most tend to prioritize material things as well as their "friend" status with their child much higher than the previous types of families I've had.

I have adopted the motto that I will change what I am able, deal with what I can and ANYTHING that compromises my sanity, financial well being or my happiness has to go. So for now...it's working. Ask me again in another 10 years and I.... well, you get the point.

[DaveA]

Some are- but then again so are some providers.

Define lie- I don't tell DCPs everything that happened during the day. I'm likely to say "fine" when a DCK has been an ornery little #*^& but there's not a behavior that is problematic or outside of what is normal for the age.

Often it is based on the fact that routine/ activity levels/ expectations are different at home vs daycare. So parents genuinely are shocked when they hear about things they don't see. Combine that with most parents really are trying to do what they think is best for the child, and it's kind of understandable there would be some resistance to being told they are a source of an issue. Of course some parents just have a slightly "variable" grasp on the truth. ::

[Baby Beluga]

Are all parents liars? I'm going to go with yes, but I'm having a DAY

Kids do act different for me, normally better. I think parents don't want to be judged. And parenting is hard work. Which many parents choose not to do (the hard work).

For example: I had two siblings arrive today and mom says "we've been partying since about 4:45 this morning!"

Translation: the boys woke up and I don't have the backbone to tell the oldest to go back to bed and allow the 12 month old to cry it out.

Guess who had to deal with children who couldn't listen or function today? ME. Guess who had to listen to the 12 month old SCREAM for 20 minutes because he threw his pacifier out of the pack and play and I refused to get it for him? ME. All because he screams at home and is given in to by mom/dad.

[childcaremom]

I agree with BC. Different environments and different expectations.

But I do feel you Ariana. Although I seem to have the opposite problem. Kids that don't nap.

I will discuss things with parents that I can't tolerate for long periods (eg: not napping/screaming during rest; aggression; behaviour issues, etc). I will keep parents updated on progress here. If parents are willing to work with me, fine, I will keep trying if I see progress and improvement. If parents aren't willing to make changes to help things here, then I'm done and term.

I've got really great families right now and count my blessings each day. Because I've been down that other road and it is not fun. :hug:

[Indoorvoice]

I think many parents too don't recognize the signs of tiredness like we do. They are quick to dismiss any off behavior because they cant/won't deal with it and don't want to admit that they could be doing something differently or better, but we just see a very tired child. I too have kids who are extremely over tired here.

[daycarediva]

Um, yes.

I've had a rough week though. I had a dcm respond with a time out report (for hitting) tell me that dcb punched her in the face and kicked her when he didn't want to get his pajamas on. So they let him sleep in clothes and tried to redirect his hitting into a hug by saying "Are you going to hug me?" until dcb said yes. I asked what time was bedtime and she said 10. 10! He's 2!!!!!!!!! Ok, um dcm he was probably very overtired. Try an 8pm bedtime. Oh, he isn't going to bed until his sister goes to bed, and he wasn't tired, he was just up running around. (uh, that's tired in a 2yo world) He isn't? Who is in charge here?!

All of my kids nap here, a good 3 hours on Monday, it USUALLY gradually decreases until Friday is a good 60-90 minutes. Sometimes I move lunch up if the behavior is out of control (like all this week)

It has greatly affected what we can do in a day. I cannot make a messy sensory table because it wouldn't last. Today we made slime and I allowed TWO children to play in it. The rest couldn't even wait turns at their own centers, so no. NO way.

I would switch my rest time around to mornings, but I really prefer the afternoon break

[Pestle]

It is worth it, yes. At least, it was for me. Explain to the parents that children this age need 10-12 hours of sleep for healthy development. Tell them their kids are sleeping hard and long here, and that their kids are tired, cranky, and sad, and not getting to participate fully or learn much.

Put them on the spot--ask them what time the kids go to bed and when they get up. Tell them that their kids' circadian rhythm is confused by electric lights and the noise of adults staying up past sundown, and that room-darkening curtains can help.

If they take you even a little bit seriously and adjust so that the kids get just one more hour of sleep, it will make your job so much easier. If they don't take you seriously, or get offended--hey, you said you were about ready to throw in the towel, so at least you'll always know you did your best.

[Pestle]

Oh, he isn't going to bed until his sister goes to bed, and he wasn't tired, he was just up running around. (uh, that's tired in a 2yo world) He isn't? Who is in charge here?!

Ugh.

When my own kid was two, we had a baby gate in her door. We did the bedtime routine, turned out the light, and closed the gate. If she decided it was awake time, fine--but the lights were off and she couldn't get out, so she never stayed up more than 10-20 minutes before giving up and passing out.

BTW, she's four now and her bedtime is 7pm. Which we TOTALLY stick to. . . right?

[TXhomedaycare]

I'm not sure all parents are liars but they are passing the tough work on to us and they are not in tune with their child and their needs. I have a lot of parents who have no clue their child is sick, tired or developmently behind because they do not make them a priority. Many of my parents tend to brush off how their child feels and none of them really make an effort to take on the parent roll (they act like they are babysitting until their child gets here). If I here "I choose my battles" one more time I am going to lose it. They choose no battles and then treat their child like an inconvenience. I had a child tell me today she had candy with mommy this morning at 7 am and mom said the child had been awake since 4:45am. She is one of my co-sleeping kids who is always tired. My others kids have a tv in their rooms or no bedtime and are exhausted and I won't even talk about their diets. It is truly sad and fustrating.

[Annalee]

YES Don't even want to post to explain my answer. I think the posters before me covered exactly how I feel.

[Ariana]

Thank you all for your responses! I never ever thought this job would be as frustrating as it is and it makes me so sad when I think about it.

At least I have you all to commiserate with :hug:lovethis

[SnowGirl]

Without answering your questions, I just want to offer you some comfort regarding development...

I have a family similar to the ones you're talking about. Before my maternity leave the infant would sleep at my house pretty much all day because her parents couldn't get her to sleep at night. They were aware of how much she slept here and asked me to continue allowing her to sleep because they didn't think they could do it at home.

She left here for center care during my maternity leave and at the center she would only get ~2 hours of sleep. She regressed in her development during those two months. Before she left me, she was advanced in all her milestones. When she got back to me, she was still only sitting and barely crawling at 11 months (she had been crawling and pulling herself up at 9 months with me). After she started sleeping all day at my place, she was walking within the month.

Her parents are now asking me to sleep her less here because they think it gets in the way of her night sleep, but honestly I've only reduced her sleep just a little and tell the parents that she slept for the normal nap time. It works though because as long as they THINK she's only slept two hours here, she sleeps well at home too. She's also developing beautifully. Sleep truly is the most important aspect of healthy development imho. So, all that to say, try not to feel guilty for giving them what they so desperately need that their home lives aren't providing! :hug: