I Think I Have an Odd Kid

[midaycare]

Dcb is 2 in a few weeks. He only comes 2 days a week, but I've grown close to dcm, so I witnessed his behavior with her and in various situations.

Dcb rarely looks people in the eyes. He will, for a short time, but doesn't usually.

Dcb is uber active. Doesn't stop when you call his name, doesn't want to participate in crafts. Doesn't want to be held. Just wants to do his own thing. He has wandered and left dcm and not thought twice about it. He is not attached. He loves her, but doesn't seem to need her like most kids need their moms.

Dcb hits. Pushes. Throws heavy objects at people's heads. With a smile on his face. Consequences don't bother him.

If he's getting his way, he is very sweet.

I have another dcb in my care, my hitter. Same exact personality. I have self diagnosed as slight Aspergers. I had this dcb come to me at the same age as this one. They do the exact same things. Same behaviors.

Is there something in the water here, am I a bad provider who isn't handling them right, or did I get really unlucky and just have 2 kids who like to get violent?

[Blackcat31]

Dcb is 2 in a few weeks. He only comes 2 days a week, but I've grown close to dcm, so I witnessed his behavior with her and in various situations.

Dcb rarely looks people in the eyes. He will, for a short time, but doesn't usually.

Dcb is uber active. Doesn't stop when you call his name, doesn't want to participate in crafts. Doesn't want to be held. Just wants to do his own thing. He has wandered and left dcm and not thought twice about it. He is not attached. He loves her, but doesn't seem to need her like most kids need their moms.

Dcb hits. Pushes. Throws heavy objects at people's heads. With a smile on his face. Consequences don't bother him.

If he's getting his way, he is very sweet.

I have another dcb in my care, my hitter. Same exact personality. I have self diagnosed as slight Aspergers. I had this dcb come to me at the same age as this one. They do the exact same things. Same behaviors.

Is there something in the water here, am I a bad provider who isn't handling them right, or did I get really unlucky and just have 2 kids who like to get violent?

My own son is an Asperger kid and there is no correlation between Asperger's and aggressive behaviors.

My son was the exact opposite. He was not physical at all. He would never find it fun/amusing to hurt others.

The eye contact(or lack of) is the only thing my son did...but only for those people he didn't know. He had no problem holding eye contact with those people he did know.

Not wanting to participate in crafts seems pretty normal for someone not yet 2 years old. I think the age also applies to the smile when he throws things....he is just learning to grasp cause and effect so he lacks the perspective thinking to truly understand that if he hit someone with a heavy object that it would hurt them.... That's just being 2 IMHO.

I think the same applies to his lack of eye contact.... I've noticed with a lot of kids I've had in care that they don't make a lot of eye contact when I talk with them....those kids seem to have parents that don't necessarily talk TO them but rather have parents that talk AT them.

If DCB hasn't had the opportunity to have a two way conversation (verses mom just saying stuff and DCB repeating or replying as instructed) he isn't going to be aware of eye contact or that eye contact happens when two people are having a conversation. kwim?

As for the physical part of it...not really seeming like he's attached to mom or be held... it might just be too much stimulation. I am not a touchy feely person and have one child of my own that is similar. Shows love in many ways but just not always physically... he might just be one of those kids.

I don't know... as providers we sometimes have instincts or gut feelings that tell us something is wrong and I could be totally off the mark here as I am just responding to what you've written...if there is more and something just feels "off", I would suggest that mom have him evaluated so that she can work on helping him in those areas he does seem to be lacking.

[midaycare]

Yeah BC, something feels off about behavior. The first dcb that I've had for 1.5 years, he came to me from an abusive dc that was shut down. He also has kind of strange parents.

This new dcb has also been through it in his short little life. Dad was abusive, hasn't seen him in a year. Takes dcm to court constantly, even though he never actually wants to see dcb. It's messed up. And dcm - I like her, and she is great - but her plate is full without dcb.

The similarity in BOTH cases is that I think the kids are largely ignored at home, or treated more like little adults.

[Blackcat31]

Yeah BC, something feels off about behavior. The first dcb that I've had for 1.5 years, he came to me from an abusive dc that was shut down. He also has kind of strange parents.

This new dcb has also been through it in his short little life. Dad was abusive, hasn't seen him in a year. Takes dcm to court constantly, even though he never actually wants to see dcb. It's messed up. And dcm - I like her, and she is great - but her plate is full without dcb.

The similarity in BOTH cases is that I think the kids are largely ignored at home, or treated more like little adults.

Because of that ^^ (bolded above) I bet the lack of eye contact and the "not really physically affectionate" behavior is a self-protection mechanism.

Many of the kids that I've had over the years that came from homes like that were either overly affectionate (could not get enough) or they were stand-offish and didn't really like to or know how to manage being physically touched in an affectionate or caring way.

[Ariana]

In my opinion it doesn't sound like ASD and most children with Aspbergers are very quiet and calm...at least from my own experience.

I would say this is 100% an attachment disorder from borderline emotional neglect and abuse. Children who are not shown empathy have no capacity to learn empathy so your role here is critical in getting this boy on the right path if at all possible. Model empathy for him, give him the TLC he desperately needs. They say that one important person in a childs life that shows love can turn their life around and that might just be youlovethis. I know he is only with you two days a week though but it will still help.

[midaycare]

In my opinion it doesn't sound like ASD and most children with Aspbergers are very quiet and calm...at least from my own experience.

I would say this is 100% an attachment disorder from borderline emotional neglect and abuse. Children who are not shown empathy have no capacity to learn empathy so your role here is critical in getting this boy on the right path if at all possible. Model empathy for him, give him the TLC he desperately needs. They say that one important person in a childs life that shows love can turn their life around and that might just be youlovethis. I know he is only with you two days a week though but it will still help.

Wow. I read up on attachment disorder and it is so fitting.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

In my opinion it doesn't sound like ASD and most children with Aspbergers are very quiet and calm...at least from my own experience.

I would say this is 100% an attachment disorder from borderline emotional neglect and abuse. Children who are not shown empathy have no capacity to learn empathy so your role here is critical in getting this boy on the right path if at all possible. Model empathy for him, give him the TLC he desperately needs. They say that one important person in a childs life that shows love can turn their life around and that might just be you lovethis. I know he is only with you two days a week though but it will still help.

I was going to say the same thing. YouTube is a great, easy way to research further into this. Check out Karyn Purvis! We have a son with attachment and trauma issues amidst other things.

Also, I'm an Aspie and I was never violent. I see more attachment issues in your post than Aspie related things.

[midaycare]

Per usual, this site is a great resource

[Alwaysgreener]

I was going to say the same thing. YouTube is a great, easy way to research further into this. Check out Karyn Purvis! We have a son with attachment and trauma issues amidst other things.

Also, I'm an Aspie and I was never violent. I see more attachment issues in your post than Aspie related things.

Karyn Purvis, I went to a conference through foster care where she was the speaker, I won her book "the connected child".
I recommend taking pride classes that they give foster and adoptive parents. The classes are very informative when it comes to abused children (they go over all types of abuse, even abuse that most do not catorgize as abuse)

[midaycare]

Karyn Purvis, I went to a conference through foster care where she was the speaker, I won her book "the connected child".
I recommend taking pride classes that they give foster and adoptive parents. The classes are very informative when it comes to abused children (they go over all types of abuse, even abuse that most do not catorgize as abuse)

Great tip, thank you!