Help... Potty Training...

[Denali]

Ok, so I've mentioned a few times the dcb (just turned 3) that has been potty training for almost 3-4 weeks. The one that parent swore up-and-down that he was no longer using a little potty at home and was using the big potty everywhere but here, for mom to let slip that he is still using the little potty at home and I just found out from Dad it is still refusing to use public potties.

He is not ready in my opinion.

This family came to me from a family friend that had been diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago. She had watched little boy since he was six weeks old and they referred to her as grandma. My aunt, other providers mom, asked me to take on this family as Nother provider was worried about what they were going to do. Told me that they would be long-standing clients. As that is what this family told them.

With how much dcb is afraid of the big potty, how much dcf has to bribe (airplane rides in dad's plane, candy, new toys, ice cream for dinner) and the lying to me about him using the big potty at home so he needs to figure it out here, finally bringing me the little potty when I told them that if he keeps peeing all over my couch and floors he'll have to go back in a pull up... Only for Wednesday dcb to cry his eyes out when mom told him that they were leaving the little potty here and he can go on the big potty at home like he has been doing. After a complete melt down mom tells dcb that "ok, if you don't want to use the big potty we can buy you a new little Mickey potty." Almost Instantly dcb stops crying.

Anyway, so I straightout asked dad this morning at drop off if dcb was planning to start preschool in the fall.

Dad's response? "Oh, well yeah... (Refusing to look at me) We have him enrolled with the Montessori school but he can only start if he's potty trained. He's completely potty trained at home on the big potty, it's just here he has a problem ( not true as a dad had just told me not even a few minutes ago that dcb won't use the potty anywhere but home). We just need him to get trained here so he can go to preschool."

So I nicely tell dad that ok, just remember that I require a 2 week notice if they are going to be withdrawing dcb completely from care, but if they are planning on going down to part time than let me know as soon as they can.

The whole time I'm thinking wow that explains a lot. The not helping me get dcb adjusted to coming here, the push to potty training underwear and them being OK with him ruining my couch and floor, not caring how dramatic it is for their son to be forced to use the big potty which is terrified of, it's all because I am just a temporary set up, their stopgap... It explains why they had their school-age daughter going to the other providers house but then didn't want to bring her here....

This whole time they basically been working against me. Their kid still refuses to use even the little potty here and hold it until he gets his neck pull-up on and then saturates it until it overflows.

And I realized today that regardless of whether I break my back with bribing and trying to Comfort and it negotiate with this child and let him P all over my house to get this kid potty trained, it doesn't matter. if he's not potty trained in time for school, I'm going to get the blame and they are going to pull him. If he somehow potty trains by time for him to start than they will pull anyway...

They tell me at home that he is completely self-sufficient and partying on the big potty but I see none of that here. I'm really wanting to just say screw it all, and completely step back and let the kid do what he's going to do. After he has had two accidents I will put him in a pull-up and send them home that way and explain to the parents what happened. I'm tired of him peeing all over my house... But than I feel like a butt because I'm basically giving up....

I need advice please....

[NillaWafers]

Oh my gosh, I am so mad for you. I would be livid, and I would be terming/finding a replacement.

I would not be putting the amount of effort that requires if they are just going to up and leave. Obviously, they've been skirting around the issue. They know it's shady and awful, or they would have just told you.

If you don't want to term, I'd tell them - sorry taking DCBs lead. He must come in pull ups, he goes potty when all the other kids do. Wet pull-up means the two weeks starts ALL OVER AGAIN. No messes on my floors, nothing.

[Controlled Chaos]

I had this happen to me a year ago. I worked my butt off to potty train new 3yo dcb. After he was trained for a week, mom said "oh good now we can start prek on Monday!" Umm nope! I responded with "you owe for the next 2 weeks and no dcb can't come half days Thursday and Friday when not in prek".

If you can afford to term I would. If not, I would require pull-ups and not push potty training at all. He doesn't sound ready. I was lucky, the kid that I did this with was super easy and ready to train.
:hug:

[Denali]

I'm starting to advertise. I have another family moving in late August that has 2 kids here, so now I'm loosing 3 kids this fall.

Dcd has made other comments that places blame on me. Dcb has a hard time at drop off, even harder when I was told that dcb "would just have to get used to the big potty here", kid was practically screaming at drop off, so dad says, "I don't know why he's all of the sudden having such a harder time coming here." Gives me a look, like its my fault...

So I told him "well it's been extremely stressful on dcb because he wants to use the potty and be a big boy, but he's terrified of the big potty, but since we don't have his little potty here like he uses at home And makes it so much harder on him."

Dad looked at me surprised, went "uh, yeah I guess so." And handed me dcb (who's bawling his eyes out) and leaves. Not even a day later they bring me his little potty and mom tells me that dcb uses it all the time at home.

I don't have really much of a policy on potty training, just that I'll work with families as long as we are working together.

[Denali]

Oh my gosh, I am so mad for you. I would be livid, and I would be terming/finding a replacement.

I would not be putting the amount of effort that requires if they are just going to up and leave. Obviously, they've been skirting around the issue. They know it's shady and awful, or they would have just told you.

If you don't want to term, I'd tell them - sorry taking DCBs lead. He must come in pull ups, he goes potty when all the other kids do. Wet pull-up means the two weeks starts ALL OVER AGAIN. No messes on my floors, nothing.

That's what I've really wanted to do... Was actually planning on telling them that dcb isn't ready... But now it just seems that I'm being vengeful...

[Denali]

I had this happen to me a year ago. I worked my butt off to potty train new 3yo dcb. After he was trained for a week, mom said "oh good now we can start prek on Monday!" Umm nope! I responded with "you owe for the next 2 weeks and no dcb can't come half days Thursday and Friday when not in prek".

If you can afford to term I would. If not, I would require pull-ups and not push potty training at all. He doesn't sound ready. I was lucky, the kid that I did this with was super easy and ready to train.
:hug:

I was thinking of just leaving dcb to himself, as parents keep telling me he's completely self reliant at home, if he wets himself put him in a pull up. But that just seems mean... Would it really be ok?

Also I'm almost out of his pull ups. I'll need to ask for more soon...

[Blackcat31]

I'd adopt NannyDe's method of managing this.

Every single day, do what you normally do. Don't bring DCB to the potty and don't set the timer. ONLY bring him if he tells you he needs to go. NO OTHER talk about potty.

When parents ask you how he is doing, just say "same" or "we're trying" and that's it. Do not engage in discussion about how often or when. Just continue to reiterate "same" or "we're trying"

They are wanting you to do the hard work so they can pull him and send him to preschool.

Stop participating.

[NillaWafers]

Honestly it shouldn't be on you to train 100%. if he's trained at home, he will easily do it there. Asking a kid to go on the toilet every 30 minutes isn't potty training, it's parent/teacher training.

Every kid I've had who's trained at home first with no issues, has asked to go here and will go on the potty (big and small) here. I don't know what they're expecting you to do? I would put it back on them. Tell them that he'll have to be in pull-ups for two weeks before you'll consider underwear. Tell them you will take him to the potty if he wants to go, and have him go when the other kids do. Beyond that is their responsibility.

Honestly, I kinda doubt he is potty trained at home if he's having so many issues at your house. It sounds like they want you to do the "dirty" work, then skip town.

[NillaWafers]

I'd adopt NannyDe's method of managing this.

Every single day, do what you normally do. Don't bring DCB to the potty and don't set the timer. ONLY bring him if he tells you he needs to go. NO OTHER talk about potty.

When parents ask you how he is doing, just say "same" or "we're trying" and that's it. Do not engage in discussion about how often or when. Just continue to reiterate "same" or "we're trying"

They are wanting you to do the hard work so they can pull him and send him to preschool.

Stop participating.

Twinsiesssss.

[Denali]

I'd adopt NannyDe's method of managing this.

Every single day, do what you normally do. Don't bring DCB to the potty and don't set the timer. ONLY bring him if he tells you he needs to go. NO OTHER talk about potty.

When parents ask you how he is doing, just say "same" or "we're trying" and that's it. Do not engage in discussion about how often or when. Just continue to reiterate "same" or "we're trying"

They are wanting you to do the hard work so they can pull him and send him to preschool.

Stop participating.

Thank you. I think I will do that while I look to replace. I feel completely disregard as I've been trying so hard to work with them and help dcb adjust and do this potty training but his parents are not caring about my home and if they burn this bridge.... It's hard. I'm struggling with burn out already...

Something else that really bothers me is I know the sob story they told they're last provider, and how much she worked trying to help them find a good place for their 2 kids, the favors she asked on their behalf and her putting in a good word for them... I passed on a 2.5 year old because I was told they were a good family and looking for long term care and after school care for their kids.

My aunt asked me for this favor on behalf of her sick mom so her mom could stop worrying about this family, and I know that they wouldn't dream of asking these things of her
Or I really hope not... but they are doing this to me... Placing all the blame on me when they have made this time and transition so much harder on their son then it has to be... And turning it around so they feel justified...

[Denali]

Honestly, I kinda doubt he is potty trained at home if he's having so many issues at your house. It sounds like they want you to do the "dirty" work, then skip town.

I don't think he's going like they are telling me either honestly. I have caught them in lies already about it. I've had the feeling that they are wanting me to be the "bad guy" and do the hard parts here. They are the kind of parents that do not want to let their kids cry. The kids dictate bed time and meals, I'm still torn on whether dcb is actually afraid of the potty or cries like he does because it gets him stuff.

He doesn't get off the couch, will sit and watch the other kids play all morning until after nap. Dad just commented that dcb has been staying up until somewhere after 11pm when they go to bed around 9pm. That they were going to start taking away his weekend naps so he'll go to sleep at night. They haven't been getting here until around 10-11am when drop off is supposed to be 8.

I think the preschool doesn't do naps, that's what's up with them wanting to drop weekend naps. No doubt that's the next thing they'll want me to do, start keeping him awake at nap time, because it's going to be my fault that he's napping during the week and not going to bed at night... 😞

[Nurse Jackie]

I am going through something similar. Mom is pregnant and I asked if she was planning on enrolling her newborn into my program, I have her 2 1/2 year old enrolled. She said she couldn't afford to have 2 kids in daycare and the newborn was going to stay home with her while she was on leave and afterwards dad was gonna manage the newborn (dad works at home). Story made no sense to me what so ever. All of a sudden she started wanting the 2 year old to be potty trained. Told me she trained her in 3 days. LIES! The 2 year old is not trained. She cries whenever I put her on the potty. Something told me to ask mom again if she was going to keep the 2 year old enrolled while she was on leave like she said she was , with no eye contact, she said we're probably gonna pull her. While I was trying to get more information from her about her end date she ran out the door. Dad picks up and casually tells me yeah we're gonna pull her since she's turning 3 soon and put her in a montessori preschool (so much for not being able to afford daycare). At that moment I came to the realization that parents are gonna do whats best for them. If the 2 year old ask to go to the potty I'll put her on the potty (she wears pull ups), however you're not gonna lie to my face and use me.

[JackandJill]

I had a similar situation last month. Poor little guy was sooo stressed, he would cry the moment any one mentioned going to the bathroom.

I just reminded dcm of my potty training policy, and told her he wasn't ready for training in care. The next week she pulled him

Come to find out, she has been planning to send him preschool in the fall since the beginning of the year. I am glad I stuck with my policies rather than having a miserable summer trying to train a little guy who was just going to be leaving anyway!

[Denali]

Mom picked up, talked with her about preschool. Mom confirmed that it was the plan. Told mom that I require a two weeks notice per our contract. Mom told me she would let me know in the next week what their plan was.

After talking more with mom, found out that Dcb won't use potties at all for dad but will for her. She's the only one that can assist him in the bathroom also.

Then followed it up with how self-sufficient he is in the bathroom...

She than mentioned how how happy she was that dad talk to me and that he must have talk to me about their no more nap plans. That they were planning to cut out all his naps here and at home so he would go to bed at night. That he and us 8 year old sister have been fighting nap time and going to bed at home and that dcb must just be done.

I told her I was going to be frank with her, told her how dcb stops crying in the morning he sits on our couch until lunch and nap, that while he's ok and talks with me and is happy, he will not play at all. After lunch he gets his nap stuff and helps me set up his mat and is always out within 5-10 minutes he's fast asleep. Sleeps for around 2 hours every time. He's never fought me on nap, has even asked me when nap was going to be.

Mom's response?

Oh, maybe he still needs it than...

Maybe we should try having more of a routine at home.

Maybe we should try an earlier bed time and try to be a little more firm.

I don't think I could bang my head against a wall any harder... 😩

[JackandJill]

So frustrating! :hug::hug:

Just give her a list of things you will do and won't do for dcb in care, and have her sign it. That way you can stop this ridiculous back and forth with mom and dad!!