Being On Different Levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

[permanentvacation]

This was part of another thread, but I started this thread about it because I would like to get advice on how to work with parents who are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum from me. Do you think you could work with parents who are on a completely different level than you are? Do I lower my standards in my daycare? Do I keep my standards (regarding the children, not regarding teaching the parents how to live or raise their children out of my daycare)? For example, when I told one parent about their 2/3 year old child telling me "F**k you!" the parent replied by saying "Well, at least she didn't hit you." I like to teach the children scholastically as well as manners and social etiquette. But the parents don't seem to care about any of that. Which then discourages me and makes me feel like everything I do and care about regarding the children and my daycare is insignificant.

So, here's what I realized this morning...

Okay, you guys know Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, right?

The bottom of the pyramid is Physiological. That is the very basic of needs that people need to survive. On that level are things like breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, etc.

The next level is Safety. That has things like security of employment, family, health, property, etc.

Then it's Love/Belonging which has things like friendship, intimacy, etc.

Then Esteem which has things like having self-esteem, confidence, showing respect for others and having respect for yourself, etc.

The top level of the pyramid is Self-Actualization. That includes things like morality, problem solving, creativity, acceptance of facts, etc.

While writing this reply (the one on the other thread), it occurred to me that the problem with my daycare clients and me might be that we are on different levels of the pyramid. Someone replied to my post by saying that the parent, sub, daycare provider, and child all need to be on the same page. But if we are not even on the same level of needs on the pyramid, there's definitely going to be problems.

The parents that I'm complaining about and can't figure out how to get to comply with my daycare rules, show up on time, care to hear what I feel the need to tell them about their child, etc. are on the lowest two levels of Moslow's Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid and I'm trying to work with and teach their children on the top two levels of the pyramid. These parents are no where near ready or capable of even comprehending the top two levels yet.

Now, since I've been broke for a few years now and have had financially unstable parents because their jobs are unstable, technically I am living at the lower two levels. But I have been at the top level for most of my life. Even though I have financial problems now that put me at the lower two levels, I also still have the knowledge and capability of the things at the top level. So even though I have to go to the food pantry to get free groceries, I am quite capable of having morals, solving problems, having self-esteem, confidence, etc. which are at the top two levels. But, since the parents that I work with are not capable of those top two levels, I am getting thrown all out of whack from years of trying to figure out how to live in a manner that coincides with the top two levels with people that are at the bottom two levels and have never been to the top levels because they've never been ready for those levels in their lives.

[Baby Beluga]

But, since the parents that I work with are not capable of those top two levels, I am getting thrown all out of whack from years of trying to figure out how to live in a manner that coincides with the top two levels with people that are at the bottom two levels and have never been to the top levels because they've never been ready for those levels in their lives.

I'm just curious. Why do you feel your clients are not capable of having self-esteem or self-actualization?

[Thriftylady]

I think you are complicating things entirely to much. I also wonder if you are accepting clients who are not in the beginning and never will be a match for your program.

I know you are going to say you need the money, I am in the same boat, but I have and will turn people away.

A child who curses at me would be something I discussed with a parent if it happened more than once. And if I got that response for the parent, I would let the parent know that THEY as the parent need to teach their child this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. If it kept happening and the parent wasn't working with me to stop it, family would be gone. The reasons are simple. First, I won't allow anyone to treat me that way. Secondly, I wouldn't want my other kids picking up that language.

I think once you start demanding respect from everyone around you, you will find you get more respect. People treat us the way we allow them to, and you are the only one that can change that by no longer allowing it. Your pyramid means nothing really.

[permanentvacation]

They aren't showing those characteristics. They constantly go through jobs, they don't try to 'go up the ladder' or better themselves in any way. They are solely focused on meeting the lowest level of needs such as food and housing and are content in staying in that level. They don't see themselves in a better environment. All they know is this area, this level and they aren't even trying to find out about a better way of living. They are not trying to become their 'ideal self' or a 'fully functioning person'. They have always been, still are, and are content in remaining in their little rut of spinning their tires in the mud living in fight or flight mode of finding food, housing, and minimum wage jobs.

They don't have enough self-esteem to even try to better themselves. This is who they are and they've accepted that fact.

[Thriftylady]

They aren't showing those characteristics. They constantly go through jobs, they don't try to 'go up the ladder' or better themselves in any way. They are solely focused on meeting the lowest level of needs such as food and housing and are content in staying in that level. They don't see themselves in a better environment. All they know is this area, this level and they aren't even trying to find out about a better way of living. They are not trying to become their 'ideal self' or a 'fully functioning person'. They have always been, still are, and are content in remaining in their little rut of spinning their tires in the mud living in fight or flight mode of finding food, housing, and minimum wage jobs.

They don't have enough self-esteem to even try to better themselves. This is who they are and they've accepted that fact.

Even if that is true, it has nothing to do with you or your business. As far as the care you provide is concerned, it begins and ends with the contract and the time between drop off and pick up. Their lives outside of daycare and how they live them really means nothing to you. Quit worrying about that stuff and worry about the stuff that does affect you.

[laundrymom]

I honestly don't give their mental, fiscal, emotional, or happiness level that much thought.
They drop off. I care for the kids. I let them know when I need supplies. If they're talking on the phone I hand theme the items they need, hold open the door, and let child walk out. Close door. Walk away.
If they don't pay. They dont stay.
I stopped worrying about their needs years ago.
I don't have a clue about the levels you referred to. I've not heard of them until this post.
I just am nice to them and they are nice to me. If they choose to not be nice I choose to work with someone different. I guess I dont see why it matters much.

[Baby Beluga]

They aren't showing those characteristics. They constantly go through jobs, they don't try to 'go up the ladder' or better themselves in any way. They are solely focused on meeting the lowest level of needs such as food and housing and are content in staying in that level. They don't see themselves in a better environment. All they know is this area, this level and they aren't even trying to find out about a better way of living. They are not trying to become their 'ideal self' or a 'fully functioning person'. They have always been, still are, and are content in remaining in their little rut of spinning their tires in the mud living in fight or flight mode of finding food, housing, and minimum wage jobs.

They don't have enough self-esteem to even try to better themselves. This is who they are and they've accepted that fact.

I want to preface this by saying I am not picking on you. From your previous posts I gather that you work in a very difficult area and I can image it brings difficulties that I have not personally dealt with.

I have a few thoughts about your original post, but the thing that stuck out most was your view of your clients. My first thought is it doesn't matter what level you or any of your clients are on. I think the likelihood of getting a client who is on the same interpersonal growth level as you is rare. I also think the hierarchy of needs pyramid is ever changing. Just like your needs have changed, so have your clients needs. What you see of your clients now may or may not be who they were two years ago - or who they will be in two years from now. And really, it isn't any of your concern. When you make it your concern, you are just borrowing trouble.

What I do think is your concern is how you handle yourself and your business. I think children are more than capable of learning what is and what is not acceptable at your house and their own house. If a negative behavior continues while in your care you can either 1) find a way for you to make it stop on your clock and not worry what happens off of your clock or 2) get the parents involved and ultimately term if a solution is not reached.

I also want to add, I believe you think you are getting difficult clients and children because of the area you live in. Am I correct in that? If so, all areas, all races, all families of differing financial level have many of the same problems. Those likely won't change based on where you live.

[Blackcat31]

They aren't showing those characteristics. They constantly go through jobs, they don't try to 'go up the ladder' or better themselves in any way. They are solely focused on meeting the lowest level of needs such as food and housing and are content in staying in that level. They don't see themselves in a better environment. All they know is this area, this level and they aren't even trying to find out about a better way of living. They are not trying to become their 'ideal self' or a 'fully functioning person'. They have always been, still are, and are content in remaining in their little rut of spinning their tires in the mud living in fight or flight mode of finding food, housing, and minimum wage jobs.

They don't have enough self-esteem to even try to better themselves. This is who they are and they've accepted that fact.

I know this is going to sound hurtful and I know it may be and I apologize for it in advance if it hurts your feelings but I am not apologizing for the message...

In my honest opinion PV, what you just wrote above more or less describes you.

Again, I am sorry if that stings or comes across as mean but I've read every post you've made on this forum in the last several months/year and I have to say you spend so much time making excuses for your life situation, trying to dissect the past and figuring out ways to blame others for your situation that you have lost sight of the fact that YOU have the power to change everything you've complained about from your personal life to your professional life and you have definitely made some strides but to me it appears that you don't really want to be better, have it better or make it better.

I think its a comfortable place for you to be in as it garners you attention and tons of responses and advice but still very little changes.

I think you like relying on others, I think you don't believe yourself to be capable and I think you suffer greatly from low self-esteem.

In light of the things you've shared on this forum (including the abuse and physical aggression from your DD) as well as your co-dependent behavior and the unsettling situations you're in (or have been in) I am at the point of seriously questioning your emotional stability and your physical ability to properly care for children.

You have been given loads and loads of advice and assistance and the only thing I've seen change is the length of your posts. They seem to get longer and longer and more and more off topic or bizarre and in many ways what you don't write or post says more than what you do.

My advice to you, is to start working on YOU. Stop trying to fix the families and children you have in care and start taking a real honest look at your reality.

If you like it cool but if you don't then DO something about it...endless posts filled with excuse after excuse after excuse is not DOING something...it's just treading water and getting you nowhere.

Again, I apologize for being so blunt. This is the last post or comment that I am going to make to you. I said what I felt I needed to say.
If others think I am rude or out of line, so be it...I will own every word I said because I did not say any of it to purposely mean.

I said it because you need to hear it.

What you do with what I said is up to you.

Make some hard choices AND changes or add me to your "blocked" list I don't mind, but in the end whatever you do, it has to come from you and it has to come from a healthy place and I just don't think you are there right now.

Please put yourself first and make sure you are in a healthy state (physically, mentally and emotionally) before you start dissecting or diagnosing the families in your care.

[BabyMonkeys]

Do you think you could work with parents who are on a completely different level than you are? Do I lower my standards in my daycare? Do I keep my standards (regarding the children, not regarding teaching the parents how to live or raise their children out of my daycare)? For example, when I told one parent about their 2/3 year old child telling me "F**k you!" the parent replied by saying "Well, at least she didn't hit you." I like to teach the children scholastically as well as manners and social etiquette. But the parents don't seem to care about any of that. Which then discourages me and makes me feel like everything I do and care about regarding the children and my daycare is insignificant.

So, here's what I realized this morning...

Okay, you guys know Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, right?

The bottom of the pyramid is Physiological. That is the very basic of needs that people need to survive. On that level are things like breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, etc.

The next level is Safety. That has things like security of employment, family, health, property, etc.

Then it's Love/Belonging which has things like friendship, intimacy, etc.

Then Esteem which has things like having self-esteem, confidence, showing respect for others and having respect for yourself, etc.

The top level of the pyramid is Self-Actualization. That includes things like morality, problem solving, creativity, acceptance of facts, etc.

While writing this reply (the one on the other thread), it occurred to me that the problem with my daycare clients and me might be that we are on different levels of the pyramid. Someone replied to my post by saying that the parent, sub, daycare provider, and child all need to be on the same page. But if we are not even on the same level of needs on the pyramid, there's definitely going to be problems.

The parents that I'm complaining about and can't figure out how to get to comply with my daycare rules, show up on time, care to hear what I feel the need to tell them about their child, etc. are on the lowest two levels of Moslow's Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid and I'm trying to work with and teach their children on the top two levels of the pyramid. These parents are no where near ready or capable of even comprehending the top two levels yet.

Now, since I've been broke for a few years now and have had financially unstable parents because their jobs are unstable, technically I am living at the lower two levels. But I have been at the top level for most of my life. Even though I have financial problems now that put me at the lower two levels, I also still have the knowledge and capability of the things at the top level. So even though I have to go to the food pantry to get free groceries, I am quite capable of having morals, solving problems, having self-esteem, confidence, etc. which are at the top two levels. But, since the parents that I work with are not capable of those top two levels, I am getting thrown all out of whack from years of trying to figure out how to live in a manner that coincides with the top two levels with people that are at the bottom two levels and have never been to the top levels because they've never been ready for those levels in their lives.

That is absurd. Why on earth would you choose to lower your own standards? The children may not be on the higher levels at home, but they will know that when they come to your house they won't be hungry..they are safe...they are loved...and you may even be able to find something (even if it's tiny) that they are good at and give them a little bit of self-confidence. Are you going to be able to make a difference outsider your home? Doubtful. Even if these children act like you are making no impact on them, you are. I know you're a religious woman, would God want you to give anything but your very best to these children that desperately need someone to love them?

[permanentvacation]

Baby monkeys,

You're right. I need to stop worrying/caring/being affected by the way the parents raise their children. I just need to focus on my daily interaction with the kids. I need to stop expecting the parents to want to know about their children's advancements, need for more assistance to advance, or behavioral problems because the majority of my parents simply can't tend to those issues at this point in their lives. So I will just say "Hi" and "Bye" to the parents and realize that what happens with the kids at daycare is between the kids and myself.

[permanentvacation]

Blackcat,

Yes, I am in the rut with the parents. The difference is that I know there's a better life out there, that I deserve to have that better life, and am trying to attain that better life. But since I'm getting the type of clients that I'm getting, every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel, some parent loses their job or simply can't afford daycare so they pull their kid out of my daycare and I'm back at square one again. I have looked into going out to work to have more stable income, but as long as I have 2 kids here I make more than I would if I went out to work.

Because of my parents' instability and accepting that they are on the lower 2 levels, I am stuck on the lower levels. I just know that I should be on the top levels and am irritated that I can't figure out how to get there.

[Rockgirl]

Blackcat,

Yes, I am in the rut with the parents. The difference is that I know there's a better life out there, that I deserve to have that better life, and am trying to attain that better life. But since I'm getting the type of clients that I'm getting, every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel, some parent loses their job or simply can't afford daycare so they pull their kid out of my daycare and I'm back at square one again. I have looked into going out to work to have more stable income, but as long as I have 2 kids here I make more than I would if I went out to work.

Because of my parents' instability and accepting that they are on the lower 2 levels, I am stuck on the lower levels. I just know that I should be on the top levels and am irritated that I can't figure out how to get there.

This just reiterated everything Blackcat said to you.

[permanentvacation]

I know it reiterated her. I'm agreeing with her. But I added that I can't figure out how to change to get myself out of the rut I'm in and that everything I have tried has just made things worse.

[Thriftylady]

I know it reiterated her. I'm agreeing with her. But I added that I can't figure out how to change to get myself out of the rut I'm in and that everything I have tried has just made things worse.

I agree with BC, we have given you TONS of advice. You always CHOOSE not to accept it and find excuses. The reason you can't get out of your rut, is because you always make an excuse to stay in it. Excuses don't do anything except dig your hole deeper, yet you keep making them. You need to quit blaming others, and fix YOU. Only you can do that, and the first step is accepting you have some work to do. But guess what? We all do in our own way so you are in good company. I think you should start with regular visits to a good therapist. Mine has done wonders for me, and I have a past no so different than yours.

[Unregistered]

This is their social norm. This is what they know, feel comfortable with, grew up with, and on some level "need". This works for them, though it doesn't seem like it. Everyone keeps doing what they are doing until it no longer works for them. Then to try to change is hard many times, lots of roadblocks out there.

I'm responding to your post because I have always been interested in sociology, so I can see where you are coming from. I've also used Maslow's Pyramid in my role I had at a family agency when I was working one-on-one with parents for parenting classes. I used it in a different way though. I used it in regard to children and my theory was/is children's need for love & caring & connection should be considered as part of the bottom level of basic need. Children will not thrive or sometimes survive without "love". It's a basic need.

If you are in the position that you must keep children who are responding to you with FU, etc. you have to try and find a way to reach them. Kids should be able to adapt to different expectations in different places. But that said depending on the stressors in the child's life it may not be an easy task. It's worth a try to calmly teach said child what you expect and why.

As far as trying to rise above poverty for these parents it's not that easy. They may or may not want to "better" themselves. They may easily feel "All is well" and maybe it is.

You seem to come from a different place. You understand and feel there is a different way. I always give this example if someone came to our middle class neighborhoods from a very privileged lifestyle...think millionaires, and they said, "Oh my goodness these children do not have boarding school/private school, and vacations on the Riviera, this advantage, that advantage, etc. Why don't these families rise up? Why don't they want to do better for their children? How can they live in an apartment or a small ranch home. How can they be renters? How can they not provide these things for their children, etc.

We tend to stay where we are comfortable. This is your parents' comfort zone. It is what it is. I do feel how hard this is for you.

Hope things improve overall!