Toilet Training - WWYD?

[Ariana]

I am looking for advice for my own 3.5 yr old. Toilet training is proving to be a real PITA

The first two times I tried with her it was just 3-4 days of accidents and so I just put her back into a diaper and told myself she just wasn't ready. I started two weeks ago for the 3rd time and she is doing ok. Very few accidents but she is holding it in all the time. I keep putting her on the toilet and she will hold it in. It isn't until she is dancing around grabbing herself and cannot possibly hold it in any longer that she pees in the toilet...but won't ask and if I say "do you need to go pee" she says NO! She will only poop if she has a pullup on, which she gets for nap time. This is a kid that poops 4 times a day and since we've been doing the training she is holding it until she gets a pullup.

Should I keep going? Is this normal? Should I put her back in diapers and wait? Any advice would be great. I have never had this experience before. She is pretty stubborn but I don't want to go back to diapers if you think this is progress. I am on the fence over whether this is progress or not!

[Mike]

I'm sure you'll get better replies from the more experienced here, but when I read this, 3 things came to my mind.

1 - Have you tried putting the potty in the living room so it's there when she's ready?

2 - Many kids around that age like running around in their birthday suits, naked. Have you thought about letting her run around that way? Then when she does have to go, she can go quicker. Might just go on the floor, but if she's using the potty, she'll probably keep doing that.

3 - Have you taken her to a doctor? Probably not worth worrying about quite yet, but a friend of mine had a daughter who was not potty trained at 4, so I suggested the doctor. I don't remember the diagnosis, it was years ago, but the doc did find something and dealt with it. A couple months later, she was fully potty trained.

[Mike]

With either of the first 2, it would obviously be temporary until she gets used to going.

[Ariana]

The thing is, she doesn't really go on her own! The only time she goes to the toilet is when I take her, even when she is clearly needing to go desperately. The bathroom is about a foot from the playroom so having the potty there won't make a difference I don't think plus she won't go on her potty anyway. At least we have had some success using a toilet seat on the regular toilet but it is mostly because I keep taking her and eventually she releases it because she can't physically hold it anymore.

There was one time where she looked at me with a panicked look and said "mommy" and I took her to the toilet and she had dribbled a bit and then peed in the toilet and that is the closest we have had to asking to go. One time and it was barely an ask.

It's like she knows she has to pee, has the physical capacity to hold it (which seems to be progress) BUT doesn't like going in the toilet, so never asks to go and will only go in the toilet when desperate.

[Unregistered]

I would say it does seem like progress ,it is also normal for them to not ask when your just starting out .It is also normal that they try to hold it because they don't want to stop what they are doing. If they can hold it thats a good sign they ready just keep taking her and not to wait to long in between to help minimize the accidents.

[KiwiKids]

If it is more a battle of wills I would back off and try every few weeks. Sometimes with kids who are physically capable and old enough, it simply comes down to a control issue. Back off for a little bit and she may come around. My oldest trained right around her 4th birthday and trained day and night immediately. She, like your daughter, had been ready for quite some time but just didn't want to do it. The plus was when she did decide she wanted to train there was never a single accident.

[Second Home]

Have you tried to make it fun ? Being silly and singing a potty song . Waving bye-bye as she flushes? Even put cheerios for her to pee on like you do with boys for their aim .

My middle dd was difficult when potty training .I made it all about games and it helped .

[Play Care]

I know I'll be the odd man here, but if she's going when you are bringing her and not having accidents, I would probably keep it up. Anytime I start training I do bring the kiddos to the potty at natural intervals throughout the day - after breakfast, before going outside, after lunch, after nap, etc. Usually within a week of that I start to realize they are doing it on their own.

She sounds a lot like my strong willed older dd who refused to poop on the potty until after 4. We finally got so tired of her holding it until she got a pull up on that we had to take a hard line and completely ditch the pull ups and put her on the potty to go. In our case that's what she needed and we were finally able to move on.

I know some people are not fans of treats for going, but I wouldn't be above doing so to "sweeten" the deal.

[childcaremom]

She sounds like my oldest. I can laugh about it now because he's 18.

We tried much the same with him. We finally promised him a turntable once he pooped in the toilet. That worked.

It wasn't fun and it wasn't pretty but he got there eventually.

Good luck!

[Controlled Chaos]

I have a different philosophy than many.

Sitting on a potty is not optional for anyone over the age of 18m. After breakfast, before we go outside, when we come back in, after lunch and after nap. EVERYONE sits. Some kids fuss or throw tantrums for the first few days and then realize its not a choice. I don't allow them to choose to stay in a poopy diaper or not wash their hands or not lay down at nap time - its the same thing to me. IF they don't go, no problem. But everyone sits. My youngest DD was super hard and strong willed. But after 2 weeks of fighting me on it she not only sat, but she fully trained super fast. A child over the age of 2 refusing to sit (not going - actually going is different) is a behavior issue for me.

[Ariana]

Thanks everyone! My eldest was sooooo easy to train that this is throwing me for a loop!

I will definitely keep going since it seems this can be common. I am really trying to just go with the flow and have zero pressure. She does go to the toilet without a fight when I take her thankfully. We definitely make it fun and she watches potty videos but after two weeks even that is getting old for her! I think I am going to try to up the ante since chocolate does not work (my eldest was a big fan of chocolate!). I am going to try stickers and a sticker chart and see if that helps.

I think that her ability to hold it means she is making that physical connection and a BIG part of knowing they are ready is that ability to hold it so that is an incentive for me. When we tried before she pee'd and poo'd everywhere and didn't even realize it.

Not sure about ditching the pullup altogether. Right now she is only in a pullup for naps and 2 hours before bed, mainly because I do not want her to become constipated. When I see a bit more progress I think I will ditch them. I trained a boy before and he became constipated and then when he finally poo'd it was so painful that he regressed and was terrified of using the toilet. I am trying to avoid that!

[Unregistered]

I wouldn't ask Do you have to go? I'd sit her on every half hour and she would know I was just done with all this. It's time to be trained NOW!

[Miss A]

I would skip the pull-up at nap all together. She is using it as her crutch to relieve herself of BM. I have a DCG-3 who was awful about that. With Mom's permission, we stopped using the pull up and she only wore panties. If she pooped in them at nap, they they were tossed into the garbage by DCG. It only took a few accidents for her to understand that not using the toilet when she felt the urge meant tossing a pair of her favorite panties into the trash.

[Mike]

I would skip the pull-up at nap all together. She is using it as her crutch to relieve herself of BM. I have a DCG-3 who was awful about that. With Mom's permission, we stopped using the pull up and she only wore panties. If she pooped in them at nap, they they were tossed into the garbage by DCG. It only took a few accidents for her to understand that not using the toilet when she felt the urge meant tossing a pair of her favorite panties into the trash.

That was what I did for a cousin's 4 yo daughter a few years ago. 7 pairs of Dora underwear. After 3 or 4 went in the trash, the accidents pretty much stopped.

the story, if you want more detail...
My cousin was not exactly a fit mother. She eventually lost her kids. A few years ago I moved back to my home town after being away for 4 years. When I came back, I went to visit my cousin. She had 4 kids. The 3 oldest knew me, but the baby, 3.5 at the time, had never met me. The other 3 were excited to see me and the newest addition quickly got to like me as well. I soon realised that the mother was leaving her in pullups way too long and the mother was having trouble with depression. Since I had fought depression myself before, I decided to help.

I started going to her house after work every day. Every day would be a very messy pullup and a smelly cleaning job. I decided to take on the potty training job. I bought her some cheap underwear, and eventually she was using the potty on and off. When I was there, she would use the potty, but not when I was at work. The next thing I did was buy her some nice Dora underwear. I explained to her that if she has an accident in them, I was not cleaning them. They were going in the trash. The package had 7 underwear. The first few days, she watched me throw them out when I got there. A few days later, she was pretty much potty trained.