When DCKs Tattle...

[knoxmomof2]

I have a 4 year old DCB who is "a lot of work".. we'll just put it that way. He's been with me for 3 years now, he's months from starting school so I'm just waiting it out. He's started to try and influence 3.5 year old DCG to follow his lead on things they shouldn't be doing. She is very well-behaved and started coming to me and telling me when this was happening. I've rarely had issues with tattling in the past. I thanked her for telling me, reinforced that she shouldn't listen to him if she knows it's wrong- and to ask me if she isn't sure, just to stay out of trouble and we went on.

Now, I have these older 2 (I care for 4, the other 2 are 2.5 and 2) tattling constantly. Due to that, I told them to only tell me about what someone else is doing if it's hurting them or someone else. I thought that was a reasonable way to stay available to them if there's a problem, but not have to hear every little replay of the tiniest infraction.

This came up in conversation with DCG's Mom the other day as I was applauding DCG for not following his lead on things she shouldn't.. and then noted how the tattling had started so I asked them to only come to me under the circumstances I just mentioned.

Today, during naptime, I got a long email from DCM about her concerns in relation to my discouraging "tattling" (although she noted that she dislikes the use of that word). She fears that her child will be abused or learn not to tell grownups when she sees wrongdoing, etc....as she grows up.

I talked to Hubs since I know I tend to be defensive and touchy sometimes and he says that, for my own purpose of having extra "eyes" on the group as a whole, I should tolerate the tattling. He said he felt DCM's reasons were a bit much.

I just told DCM that I would get back to her when I had the time to do so.

Thoughts?

PS- She cited something about how teachers today are realizing how harmful a "no tattling" policy is to children....

[childcaremom]

Tattling is harmful to my sanity.

I have the same rule: if someone is going to get hurt or is hurt then tell me. Otherwise, I will worry about what is going on. I reinforce that it is my job to worry about what everyone is doing and their job to play.

Imho, tattling amongst peers is much different than confiding in a trusted adult. Dcg might need the encouragement that she knows what the rules are and what is appropriate behaviour at your house. And then let it be and follow through as needed.

[MissAnn]

You are teaching him appropriate tattling. You tattle if someone is hurting you or hurting someone else. The hurting could be physical or emotional. You could practice instances of appropriate tattlinf. For instance, should you tattle if someone took two paper towels instead of one? No. Should you tattles if someone is hitting? Yes.

I think it's important to teach kids how to handle situations. If someone takes my toy away I should be able to say that is my toy and you need to give it back. We practice instances like this almost weekly. If kids know how to handle situations they don't have to tattle over every little thing

[nothingwithoutjoy]

I despise tattling and frequently call children on it, telling them that it is tattling, and sending them back to the other child to discuss it directly.

I recently read a really good description of the distinction between tattling and something they should tell, and will use it in the future. It's from the book "Calm and Compassionate Children."

"Telling the truth is when you are trying to be helpful and protect someone from getting hurt, and tattling is when you are trying to get someone in trouble."

[Blackcat31]

I despise tattling and frequently call children on it, telling them that it is tattling, and sending them back to the other child to discuss it directly.

I recently read a really good description of the distinction between tattling and something they should tell, and will use it in the future. It's from the book "Calm and Compassionate Children."

"Telling the truth is when you are trying to be helpful and protect someone from getting hurt, and tattling is when you are trying to get someone in trouble."

I explain it just like this to the kids too!

It's like any skill, it takes practice to master.

[knoxmomof2]

Thanks ladies, I *thought* my perspective was a reasonable one, but wanted to be sure I wasn't completely out of the loop here. I like the quote and suggestions on practicing..... How would you handle this parent?

[CalCare]

I agree that teaching them the 'telling the truth' versus tattling as described above would help. And the practicing scenarios AND giving exact verbal samples of what to say and when.

I want to add that teaching them that they can take care of these little conflicts on their own can really help. If you take over and direct when there are issues (or even if you only direct SOMETIMES), they learn that is what is expected.

So, for your own sanity (and for their learning), try to teach them how they can sort things out themselves. So if John pushes Jane, Jane complains to you, you don't say anything to John. You tell Jane, 'tell him you don't like that. Tell him to stop.' Then she will. Then he stops. You don't need to say anything to John. He knows she didn't like it, he stopped. Next time, you just might notice John pushes Jane, Jane gives him a piece of her mind, no one says a thing to you...

Obviously, you supervise and stop anyone from hurting anyone ever, the best you can. But sometimes we can't stop it. And this method applies to toys and paper towels and everything. Jane took two paper towels. John tells you because he didn't like it. Tell John, 'did you tell her you don't like that?' Maybe next time, he'll tell her and not come tell you. If you consistently teach them to communicate these things to each other (and not direct situations with making punishments and organizing deals about sharing and turns when they can do it themselves), they will stop tattling.

I don't mean this smugly, I really don't, but I don't see tattling ever really. If someone tells me something, I just tell them to go tell the person they don't like it. The 'tattler' doesn't get any sort of reinforcement to continue to tattle. I only have one dck right now (plus my younger son) so I don't have such a group as others here.

BUT even when I'm subbing at centers or when I worked at centers, I never really encountered all the tattling I hear people talk about on here. I think it's just the kids become conditioned to come ask for help with each little thing, or you can condition them not to.

[Blackcat31]

Thanks ladies, I *thought* my perspective was a reasonable one, but wanted to be sure I wasn't completely out of the loop here. I like the quote and suggestions on practicing..... How would you handle this parent?

I'd tell that parent that YOU have things handled just fine and that SHE (the mom) too needs to make sure she is teaching her child the difference between tattling and reporting if this is an important subject for her (just as you are teaching it within your day).

DCM doesn't get to dictate how YOU manage your day in daycare and how you handle tattling in the course of your day. You couldn't possibly expect her to even understand the scope of what happens every day while caring for multiple kids so her input stops at HER child.

If she is truly concerned about her child knowing when it's okay to tell an adult and when it's considered tattling then she best be stepping up her game at home and start teaching her child what SHE values as important life lessons. kwim?

You got the rest and aren't asking for her input.

[Kimskiddos]

I'd tell that parent that YOU have things handled just fine and that SHE (the mom) too needs to make sure she is teaching her child the difference between tattling and reporting if this is an important subject for her (just as you are teaching it within your day).

DCM doesn't get to dictate how YOU manage your day in daycare and how you handle tattling in the course of your day. You couldn't possibly expect her to even understand the scope of what happens every day while caring for multiple kids so her input stops at HER child.

If she is truly concerned about her child knowing when it's okay to tell an adult and when it's considered tattling then she best be stepping up her game at home and start teaching her child what SHE values as important life lessons. kwim?

You got the rest and aren't asking for her input.

[Laurel]

I agree that teaching them the 'telling the truth' versus tattling as described above would help. And the practicing scenarios AND giving exact verbal samples of what to say and when.

I want to add that teaching them that they can take care of these little conflicts on their own can really help. If you take over and direct when there are issues (or even if you only direct SOMETIMES), they learn that is what is expected.

So, for your own sanity (and for their learning), try to teach them how they can sort things out themselves. So if John pushes Jane, Jane complains to you, you don't say anything to John. You tell Jane, 'tell him you don't like that. Tell him to stop.' Then she will. Then he stops. You don't need to say anything to John. He knows she didn't like it, he stopped. Next time, you just might notice John pushes Jane, Jane gives him a piece of her mind, no one says a thing to you...

Obviously, you supervise and stop anyone from hurting anyone ever, the best you can. But sometimes we can't stop it. And this method applies to toys and paper towels and everything. Jane took two paper towels. John tells you because he didn't like it. Tell John, 'did you tell her you don't like that?' Maybe next time, he'll tell her and not come tell you. If you consistently teach them to communicate these things to each other (and not direct situations with making punishments and organizing deals about sharing and turns when they can do it themselves), they will stop tattling.

I don't mean this smugly, I really don't, but I don't see tattling ever really. If someone tells me something, I just tell them to go tell the person they don't like it. The 'tattler' doesn't get any sort of reinforcement to continue to tattle. I only have one dck right now (plus my younger son) so I don't have such a group as others here.

BUT even when I'm subbing at centers or when I worked at centers, I never really encountered all the tattling I hear people talk about on here. I think it's just the kids become conditioned to come ask for help with each little thing, or you can condition them not to.

This is how I handled it too. Before doing home childcare, I worked in a Montessori preschool and this is how they taught the children. It works.

[Laurel]

I would answer the mom back by telling her how you handle tattling. I would use some of the excellent info from this thread.

I am using the quotes above to make the letter. Just tweaking the pronouns so it sounds like it is coming from you. I might have added a sentence or two also. Hope the posters don't mind but they were excellent ideas.

Dear Mom,

Thank you for your concern. I will be handling tattling in the following way:

I will explain to the children that "Telling the truth is when you are trying to be helpful and protect someone from getting hurt, and tattling is when you are trying to get someone in trouble."

Then I will teach them how they can sort things out themselves. So if John pushes Jane, Jane complains to me, I won't say anything to John. I will tell Jane, 'tell him you don't like that. Tell him to stop.' Then she will. Then he stops. I don't need to say anything to John. He knows she didn't like it, he stopped. Next time, I just might notice John pushes Jane, Jane gives him a piece of her mind, no one says a thing to me. If a child doesn't yet have the language, I will help them. I might say "Jane say, 'I don't like it when you push me'. Then I will wait until Jane says it.

Obviously, I will supervise and stop anyone from hurting anyone ever, the best that I can. But sometimes we can't stop it and this skill will help her stand up for herself when someone isn't right there. This method applies to toys and paper towels and everything. Jane took two paper towels. John tells me because he didn't like it. Say to John, 'did you tell her you don't like that?' Maybe next time, he'll tell her and not come tell me. If we consistently teach them to communicate these things to each other (and not direct situations by making punishments and organizing deals about sharing and taking turns when they can do it themselves), they will stop tattling.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely, Your Provider

That way you aren't letting the daycare parent tell you what to do and you are telling her how you will handle it. Then it is up to her if she wants to accept it or go on her way.

[SnowGirl]

I understand DCM's concerns, that line of thinking was brought to my attention through some mommy blog I read and it made sense.

However...perhaps she's simply in need of clarification. I know what it's like to have a DCK who is tattling on things that don't need to be tattled on, and it's important that children learn autonomy and confidence in their own voices. That's what you're teaching the children when you teach them to work out their own problems.

I agree with what others have said: let DCM know you hear her concerns, clarify what you teach to the children, and let her decide if that's acceptable to her. If she really wants her child to have their hand held through every situation by an adult, perhaps you're not the right fit for her. Don't change your methods to suit her, though. I think you're doing great!! happyface

[Alisyn]

I despise tattling and frequently call children on it, telling them that it is tattling, and sending them back to the other child to discuss it directly.

I recently read a really good description of the distinction between tattling and something they should tell, and will use it in the future. It's from the book "Calm and Compassionate Children."

"Telling the truth is when you are trying to be helpful and protect someone from getting hurt, and tattling is when you are trying to get someone in trouble."

yes, this

[knoxmomof2]

All of that sounds great! I wanted to reply in a way that acknowledged her concerns, but also maintained my role as leader in my home. Your suggestions will help me to do just that.