Too Much Structure???

[TXhomedaycare]

This is a more general question but the 3 yo dcb that I have is the reason. I put dcb on probation last week since I have had nothing but trouble from him (yelling, hitting, disrespectful). His mother came today and sat in on our learning and free play time because she wants to see her son in action (despite her agreeing that he will most likely not act the same with her there). She said she is not aware of her son acting the way I describe him (she has not seen him playing with 5 other boys - I have all boys). Dcm seems to be a helicopter parent on a crazy level. I think dcb has had so much structure that he is either relieved and wants to be a crazy kids when she isn't around or he does not know what to do unless he is being told. I am glad I have moms support but I was nit hapoy that she wanted to come observe for a few hours. The good thing is I was able to view her today and I think my husband is right. She does not allow him to just play. She told him what color ball to pick up outside, she kept saying his name and he kept looking at her like he didn't know what to do during learning time. I send home a daily report with what he ate and what we did that day and she wants to know exactly what foods he did or didn't eat if he does not eat all his food and always tells hi she will review his work for the day when they get home. She keeps ays she makes learning fun and has lots of questions about his learning and what he needs to work on at home but I really want to tell her nothing go home and play with your child. Dcb tattle tales every few minutes and none of my other kids even knew what that was until he came (I have them talk to each other and use their words but now they all tattle). She couldn't wait to get his preschool assestment and she requested I keep observation notes about her child to give to her (I have 6 kids age 1 to 5 who in the hecks has time for observation notes?) I am wondering if too much structure is the reason he is not blending well with the group. I let the kids be kids and play and be boys while still following basic rules and using good manners but I do not make everything structured, I help and support when needed. I am just wondering if too much structure is the problem.

[Blackcat31]

This is a more general question but the 3 yo dcb that I have is the reason. I put dcb on probation last week since I have had nothing but trouble from him (yelling, hitting, disrespectful). His mother came today and sat in on our learning and free play time because she wants to see her son in action (despite her agreeing that he will most likely not act the same with her there). She said she is not aware of her son acting the way I describe him (she has not seen him playing with 5 other boys - I have all boys). Dcm seems to be a helicopter parent on a crazy level. I think dcb has had so much structure that he is either relieved and wants to be a crazy kids when she isn't around or he does not know what to do unless he is being told. I am glad I have moms support but I was nit hapoy that she wanted to come observe for a few hours. The good thing is I was able to view her today and I think my husband is right. She does not allow him to just play. She told him what color ball to pick up outside, she kept saying his name and he kept looking at her like he didn't know what to do during learning time. I send home a daily report with what he ate and what we did that day and she wants to know exactly what foods he did or didn't eat if he does not eat all his food and always tells hi she will review his work for the day when they get home. She keeps ays she makes learning fun and has lots of questions about his learning and what he needs to work on at home but I really want to tell her nothing go home and play with your child. Dcb tattle tales every few minutes and none of my other kids even knew what that was until he came (I have them talk to each other and use their words but now they all tattle). She couldn't wait to get his preschool assestment and she requested I keep observation notes about her child to give to her (I have 6 kids age 1 to 5 who in the hecks has time for observation notes?) I am wondering if too much structure is the reason he is not blending well with the group. I let the kids be kids and play and be boys while still following basic rules and using good manners but I do not make everything structured, I help and support when needed. I am just wondering if too much structure is the problem.

It's not the structure that is the problem.

It's plain up and up MOM that is the problem.

Telling him what to do is NOT observing him.
Telling him what color ball to pick up is extreme and totally over the top in my honest opinion.

These types of kids (with Blackhawk type helicopter parents) end up being clinical case studies for extreme anxiety. Poor kid

I've had DCM's like that. I tried and tried and tried to get mom to see the light but nope. She just couldn't let go so unfortunately after 3.5 yrs of trying I let the family go.

In my eyes, that was a form of parental neglect no different than failing to provide the basic necessities a child needs to thrive.

I genuinely feel for that poor little guy.
..and you for having to deal with this type of parent.

:hug:

[Leigh]

This is a more general question but the 3 yo dcb that I have is the reason. I put dcb on probation last week since I have had nothing but trouble from him (yelling, hitting, disrespectful). His mother came today and sat in on our learning and free play time because she wants to see her son in action (despite her agreeing that he will most likely not act the same with her there). She said she is not aware of her son acting the way I describe him (she has not seen him playing with 5 other boys - I have all boys). Dcm seems to be a helicopter parent on a crazy level. I think dcb has had so much structure that he is either relieved and wants to be a crazy kids when she isn't around or he does not know what to do unless he is being told. I am glad I have moms support but I was nit hapoy that she wanted to come observe for a few hours. The good thing is I was able to view her today and I think my husband is right. She does not allow him to just play. She told him what color ball to pick up outside, she kept saying his name and he kept looking at her like he didn't know what to do during learning time. I send home a daily report with what he ate and what we did that day and she wants to know exactly what foods he did or didn't eat if he does not eat all his food and always tells hi she will review his work for the day when they get home. She keeps ays she makes learning fun and has lots of questions about his learning and what he needs to work on at home but I really want to tell her nothing go home and play with your child. Dcb tattle tales every few minutes and none of my other kids even knew what that was until he came (I have them talk to each other and use their words but now they all tattle). She couldn't wait to get his preschool assestment and she requested I keep observation notes about her child to give to her (I have 6 kids age 1 to 5 who in the hecks has time for observation notes?) I am wondering if too much structure is the reason he is not blending well with the group. I let the kids be kids and play and be boys while still following basic rules and using good manners but I do not make everything structured, I help and support when needed. I am just wondering if too much structure is the problem.

All I got is: That poor kid. He's probably frustrated by not having ANY independence!

[DaveA]

OUCH! DCM is way over controlling and needs to let DCB just be a kid and back off a bit.

ETA: I agree with BC- DCPs who are like this really don't "see the light" when you try to explain the benefits of independent play or letting someone just "go play".

[Ariana]

I have a mom EXACTLY like this. She still puts her 2 yr old in a pack n play so she can make dinner. So much control at home. This kid is sweet as pie here but every week there is some story about how she hit this kid, poked this kid in the eye, hit the dog etc.

That mom sounds like a nightmare and I know so many moms like this.

[Thriftylady]

That isn't structure. That is not allowing a kid to be a kid.

[Unregistered]

Maybe you could get some ideas across using the observation she is requesting

[Laurel]

This is a more general question but the 3 yo dcb that I have is the reason. I put dcb on probation last week since I have had nothing but trouble from him (yelling, hitting, disrespectful). His mother came today and sat in on our learning and free play time because she wants to see her son in action (despite her agreeing that he will most likely not act the same with her there). She said she is not aware of her son acting the way I describe him (she has not seen him playing with 5 other boys - I have all boys). Dcm seems to be a helicopter parent on a crazy level. I think dcb has had so much structure that he is either relieved and wants to be a crazy kids when she isn't around or he does not know what to do unless he is being told. I am glad I have moms support but I was nit hapoy that she wanted to come observe for a few hours. The good thing is I was able to view her today and I think my husband is right. She does not allow him to just play. She told him what color ball to pick up outside, she kept saying his name and he kept looking at her like he didn't know what to do during learning time. I send home a daily report with what he ate and what we did that day and she wants to know exactly what foods he did or didn't eat if he does not eat all his food and always tells hi she will review his work for the day when they get home. She keeps ays she makes learning fun and has lots of questions about his learning and what he needs to work on at home but I really want to tell her nothing go home and play with your child. Dcb tattle tales every few minutes and none of my other kids even knew what that was until he came (I have them talk to each other and use their words but now they all tattle). She couldn't wait to get his preschool assestment and she requested I keep observation notes about her child to give to her (I have 6 kids age 1 to 5 who in the hecks has time for observation notes?) I am wondering if too much structure is the reason he is not blending well with the group. I let the kids be kids and play and be boys while still following basic rules and using good manners but I do not make everything structured, I help and support when needed. I am just wondering if too much structure is the problem.

Oh my gosh, he is THREE mom. Let him play for goodness sake!

When she was observing, she should have been quiet like she wasn't there.

[Thriftylady]

Maybe you could get some ideas across using the observation she is requesting

To late for that, the way I read this is that this is what the provider observed while mom was observing. I am guessing mom wouldn't be very open to suggestions if she is so controlling. I had a parent once I think may have been like this. Never wanted the poor kiddos to get dirty, asked me to have them sit on the porch while the other kids played outside. I couldn't help but think "really? That is what soap and water is for". I should have termed then, but back then I thought I worked for the parents. Now I tell parents "your kids WILL get dirty".

[rosieteddy]

How long is probation? I would tell mom less.She won't see what you see and it just makes your job harder. I would just work with the child -yelling -time out hitting -time out acting up time out.You can make time out what you want ,just time away from friends.When I had 5 boys and one infant girl we walked ---a-lot .Then they had races in the yard ---a-lot then we walked again. We went out earlier and stayed out a while.Then we went out every afternoon if it wasn;t raining.They would look out the window and ask is it only irish rain Nana or real rain? Irish rain -we went out.Tired boys went to nap great ate lunch and were able to settle down easy.I was exhausted.It worked.

[Mom2Two]

I've been wondering if newsletters would help parents like these--like including some info or a quote to help educate parents about developmentally appropriate environment/expectations etc. I was hoping that I could maybe help get everyone on the same page that way. And maybe extra efforts would be more appreciated if parents were more educated about why certain things are the way they are here.

[Ariana]

I've been wondering if newsletters would help parents like these--like including some info or a quote to help educate parents about developmentally appropriate environment/expectations etc. I was hoping that I could maybe help get everyone on the same page that way. And maybe extra efforts would be more appreciated if parents were more educated about why certain things are the way they are here.

I was going to suggest the same. A decent respectful article on the pitfalls of helicopter parenting would be ideal as well as the value of independent play.

[Blackcat31]

I include this article in my new enrollment packet:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2014/01/16/7-crippling-parenting-behaviors-that-keep-children-from-growing-into-leaders/#14d128004912

I also list the link on my website under "Parent Resources"