Have You Ever Dealt with This Personality Before?

[Ariana]

I have a child who has a developmental delay. The mom does not communicate anything to me at all about how he is doing, what things she is doing at home...how he slept, nothing. Every day is like this. I have brought up a lot of concerns with her and it's like they go into a vortex. She won't comment on them ever again.

I am very close to terming simply for lack of communication because it is making my job more difficult since I spend a lot of time wondering about his behaviors. He has not been formally diagnosed yet so that adds to it. Mom hasn't even told me IF they are going to get him formally diagnosed or when that might happen...nothing. All I get is elaborate stories of things he is doing at home that seem next to impossible to me here at my home. Its as if he is two different kids. To me it seems like she is trying to prove to me that there is nothing wrong.

My husband seems to think that she just doesn't want to acknowledge that there is any issues so she is choosing to ignore it. Should I just ignore it? Keep asking her things? None of my business? How would you handle this whole situation? Is she dismissing me or am I reading too much into it?

[Unregistered]

Unless it affects the daycare - I just don't care. I know it's hard. We want to parent most children for their benifit ya know

[Ariana]

Unless it affects the daycare - I just don't care. I know it's hard. We want to parent most children for their benifit ya know

As I mentioned it is making my job harder, so it is affecting my daycare. I don't feel that I want to parent him at all.

[daycarediva]

She is in denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. She is going to need to hear these things again and again and again to process it. It's grieving, in a way (I have a special needs child). Her child, her life, her family will not be like others. It will not be like she imagined it.

That being said, she needs to snap out of it. Can you ask for a sit down conference? Ask if his evaluation is finished? Ask if he will be receiving services.

I always start these things with a positive. "X is so cute, I love his curls. He IS really struggling to ______. I hate to see him struggle. Have you spoken to ECI about an eval?"

If she didn't see the light after a come to Jesus conference, I would term. She might need 20 people to say NO before the child gets help.

[Ariana]

I actually had a conference with her and the child and pointed out the ways in which I felt he was not meeting typical milestones. We filled out a developmental checklist seperately and I got a ton of red flags. She got "a few". She took him to a pediatrician who referred him for a formal assessment. That is the last I have heard of it. That happened end of December.

I hate bringing this up time and time again. I just feel like I have no idea what is going on. I also find it difficult to address someone in denial because I don't want to make them feel bad or sad or angry or whatever. For example months ago I was asking her about his ability to ask for help. She couldn't answer whether he could ask or not. For most parents this would be a no brainer right? Well she just said "hmmm I'm not sure, I will have to remember to notice". Then thats it. No follow up. I have asked her to let me know how he is doing in several different areas and I am met with the same responses.

The ONLY reason I am not terming is because she is bringing her infant to me in a few months and I know she is never going to find care for a special needs child plus an infant part time. When she goes back to work things are really going to change. He will be with dad, me and grandparents throughout the week in a cobbled together daycare plan to cut costs. Who knows what will happen then with all of the changes...

[Mom2Two]

I had a child last year who was not at a point where she'd get a diagnosis, but looking at milestones, she was delayed in normal cooperation. Combined with slack parenting, this child was a screaming nightmare. After putting up with that for a year, I realized that in the future, if there was behavior problem or parenting problem, I would (nicely) give parents an ultimatum, that they would have to do certain things or I could not provide care. I would give them a month to significantly change things, and they would have to have awesome communication with me.

The reason is that it's too stressful. I've kind of realize that the only way I can do this job is to have good boundaries. I work full time hours for a part time income. Yes, I get to be at home, but I also need to not hate my job.

IMO if your dcm wants the kind of provider who doesn't care how she parents her child...then she needs to go find the kind of dc provider who doesn't care how she parents her child. You aren't that person, right?

[Ariana]

IMO if your dcm wants the kind of provider who doesn't care how she parents her child...then she needs to go find the kind of dc provider who doesn't care how she parents her child. You aren't that person, right?

I don't care how she parents to be honest as long as she is at least telling me about it. Like maybe a heads up that dcb didn't sleep well because he is cosleeping with a teething baby brother might have helped instead of me trying to figure out why he is lying on the ground and not engaged. I feel like some parents are more concerned with looking good rather than being honest with their providers about what is going on. I feel like this is true in this case for sure.

I agree with what you've said, it is stressful. Probably not worth it but I'd like to help this little boy but mom is getting in the way. It is really too bad.

[daycare]

I think at some point most of us have had to deal with this kind of stuff.

I see it like this. do you really need a label to be able to give him the proper care? NO you don't.

what you need to do is find what works for you at your house and not even bat an eyelash about MOM. if she doesn't care, then let it go. You can't make her care.

Most parents see us as a safe place for their kids to be so that they can go to work and don't really see all of the magic we make happen each and every day. they don't understand that when they don't give us the feedback we need how much harder it is on their child or on us.

I don't know of a mother or father that sees there child but anything other than perfect. they don't want to hear or see this stuff. they want to wait until the professionals make them get the test or evaluations.

If you want to keep the kid, I would find a way to make him happy at your house, love him, feed him, do all that you do every day and just let it go.

YOu know the saying. you can lead a horse to water you can't make them drink.

[Blackcat31]

I don't care how she parents to be honest as long as she is at least telling me about it. Like maybe a heads up that dcb didn't sleep well because he is cosleeping with a teething baby brother might have helped instead of me trying to figure out why he is lying on the ground and not engaged. I feel like some parents are more concerned with looking good rather than being honest with their providers about what is going on. I feel like this is true in this case for sure.

I agree with what you've said, it is stressful. Probably not worth it but I'd like to help this little boy but mom is getting in the way. It is really too bad.

100% agree!!

I am so tired of the "But they aren't like that at home..." line/excuse/reply.

So far in my experience, I have found that line to be outright denial because the truth usually comes out but lack of communication between two people who are essentially caring for the SAME child is difficult to navigate and leaves the provider grasping at straws in regards to how to treat, teach and/or care for the child on a daily basis.

Most often when I have these situations it ends up with each of us going our separate ways. Some try harder to communicate before finally giving up and moving on and some don't bother at all.

[Annalee]

100% agree!!

I am so tired of the "But they aren't like that at home..." line/excuse/reply.

So far in my experience, I have found that line to be outright denial because the truth usually comes out but lack of communication between two people who are essentially caring for the SAME child is difficult to navigate and leaves the provider grasping at straws in regards to how to treat, teach and/or care for the child on a daily basis.

Most often when I have these situations it ends up with each of us going our separate ways. Some try harder to communicate before finally giving up and moving on and some don't bother at all.

[Ariana]

100% agree!!

I am so tired of the "But they aren't like that at home..." line/excuse/reply.

So far in my experience, I have found that line to be outright denial because the truth usually comes out but lack of communication between two people who are essentially caring for the SAME child is difficult to navigate and leaves the provider grasping at straws in regards to how to treat, teach and/or care for the child on a daily basis.

Most often when I have these situations it ends up with each of us going our separate ways. Some try harder to communicate before finally giving up and moving on and some don't bother at all.

Yes! It is especially hard when dealing with a child with special needs. Is he rolling on the ground from being tired or from too much stimulation? I basically have to guess.

I know she is working with him at home but again nothing is communcated to me.

[Ariana]

I had a chat with mom today and she seems on board with more communication. I explained to her that it makes things hard for me and she seemed to understand. We will see how it goes from here on out. She is a single mom so I can understand that she is likely not thinking about what I might need at daycare perhaps or maybe she just has too much on her plate.

Thanks everyone!

[Mom2Two]

100% agree!!

I am so tired of the "But they aren't like that at home..." line/excuse/reply.

So far in my experience, I have found that line to be outright denial because the truth usually comes out but lack of communication between two people who are essentially caring for the SAME child is difficult to navigate and leaves the provider grasping at straws in regards to how to treat, teach and/or care for the child on a daily basis.

Most often when I have these situations it ends up with each of us going our separate ways. Some try harder to communicate before finally giving up and moving on and some don't bother at all.

So have you found that it's just really rare to turn these situations around? I've been wondering about that. Have you found any way to weed this out in interviews?

[Blackcat31]

So have you found that it's just really rare to turn these situations around? I've been wondering about that. Have you found any way to weed this out in interviews?

No. I do not think it's completely rare to turn these situations around. It just depends on honesty and the level of commitment the family and myself is willing to put forth to fix it. kwim? Some parents just want to bury their heads in the sand and if they cant work WITH me, I can't work with them so it is highly dependent on each of us doing our parts.

I haven't figured out how to weed these types of parents out (non-communicator's) but I do make an extra effort to discuss my stance on the importance of communicating and that working together is ideal for the child and BOTH parent and provider.

I make a point of letting parents know that I will and have termed families for not communicating with me in regards to their child.

I also make a huge point of sharing "lines" or perspectives I find "amusing" as a provider.
For example, I will tell a parent how we (general we as providers) view/take the "Its just teething" comments from parents.
I elaborate on WHY I cannot just accept that as a logical reason for 103.F fever.

I explain the "it isn't happening at home" comment as I take it (from my perspective) and I think I even reference something about a kid being "fine" at home but then being thrust into a hugely stimulating environment at daycare and how that can catapult a child into behaviors that simply wont occur at home unless the parent has a mixed age group of kids running around in their house.

So I guess in a way I do try to weed this type of thinking out during the interview but depending on how much talking and how many questions a family asks, I can't guarantee it won't be an issue...I just try to make sure the family understands my stance and why I do or have some of the rules I have.

Personally I think it helps ..even just a little so I will keep on keeping on.

[Ariana]

Sometimes you can spot this in the interview with parents contradicting eachother and I personally love having dads come and do transition. Dads seem to not care what the providers think and will be completely honest about what is going on at home which is refreshing. I have had two kids start where the moms were insistant child was a dream to put down for nap and the dads were saying the exact opposite. As long as they are going down fairly easily for me I don't really care too much but you definitely realize that you cannot trust one of the parents which kind of ****s.

I think the parents just really really want you to be happy with their kid so they cover over the "bad" stuff. The thing is, I have kids too so I know how it is and honesty is always going to help you and your child in the long run. I have one family who is super honest with everything which is great!

I Have a big section in my handbook on communication. How important it is and why. I also have an FB page where
I communicate things to parents. Sometimes I don't want to worry the parents so I won't mention something dumb but I will tell them how their kids slept and ate and their mood that day so that they can prepare for the evening with their child. I think we should get that same respect.