When is it BEYOND Picky Eating? - Long

[daycarediva]

It is a HUGE control issue for her. She is 3 and has been here since she was 18m, she is a doll for 90% of the day.

Meals. oh my. She has always been picky. I would just put everything on her plate in small amounts. She would lick everything at least, and eat grain only. I've never, not once, seen her eat a vegetable. I don't offer seconds unless it's vegetables OR the child has cleaned their plate and is still hungry. Then child started filling up on milk. I have NEVER offered seconds of milk.. they have their water bottles at the table.

Now child is down to just a handful of grains, raspberries-but they have to taste just right, she does a small test nibble and discards most of them, I no longer serve them AT ALL because it's too expensive and causes too many issues with her, applesauce (the high sugar kind, will not touch my organic/no sugar added kind) and fish sticks (which I refuse to serve/can't claim on the FP anyway). This goes BEYOND picky imho. She will only eat certain kinds of crackers (oyster or saltine, NO other types) pretzels that are the thin salted sticks, tortellini pasta-plain, (and the pasta has to be dried, any water remaining and it's "slimy" she won't touch it, and chocolate muffins only WITH a cute wrapper. I don't use cute wrappers.

Of course, ANY cookie/cake/candy WILL be eaten. She also ADORES "fruit" snacks.

There were more grains on this list before New Years.

She is also now above the 100th percentile for weight.

She is eating breakfast here due to a parents new job. She is a HOT MESS at every meal. She comes in and Dad has already read her the menu, and she wants to go over and over the menu with ME and (not joking these are her words) "Let's talk about what I can eat from the menu, ok?" I am NOT playing these games. You either eat or not. I don't care. I now serve buffet style, she will load her plate with the grain of her choice, and sometimes loses her cool and is in tears before she even sits down because she wants to put 3-4x a serving size on her plate. I said "you may chose one roll." to every child today and ended up taking 4 EXTRA rolls from her plate.

She ended up missing the entire lunch because she screamed in the calm down corner.

This was after I made banana bread for breakfast and she refused to eat, tossed the plate and screamed through the entire breakfast, too.

Snack contains SOME of those pretzels she loves, and I KNOW she's holding out to get some, I also already know she is going to scream when I don't give her seconds because she hasn't touched anything else on her plate.

Any ideas on a nicely worded email to parents? Or what to say? I KNOW they are giving in just to get her to eat something, but parents both eat healthy, are active and knowledgeable. They used to put small amounts of everything on her plate, but dck will refuse to eat ANYTHING if ANY food she dislikes is on her plate.

Dck is now disrupting our previously pleasant meal times. I have parent drop offs at breakfast and parent pick ups at snack- and now other parents are mentioning it and I have had to reiterate my 'food policy' and dcg was upset only to have parents look at me like I was an ogre intentionally starving a child.

[Ariana]

I have two daughters and one is like this and my other one eats everything. I did nothing different for either one. My eldest is just very sensitive to food, texture and taste. She can even tell when I serve her no name brand mustard as opposed to French's. It's insane. It all comes from my husbands side of the family. He was picky, his niece and nephew are picky and his sister, who is a marathon runner, eats very little besides junk. Luckily my daughter doesn't have a weight problem...quite the opposite. She is in the 3rd percentile for height and weight but all of the women on my husbands side are small.

All this to say it may not be the parents fault and it might not be a power struggle. She may just be sensitive to food and it sounds like she is VERY stressed during meal times. I don't know how the food programs work for you guys but I would just give her whatever just to make it a pleasant experience for everyone. Can you do that?

[daycarediva]

I have two daughters and one is like this and my other one eats everything. I did nothing different for either one. My eldest is just very sensitive to food, texture and taste. She can even tell when I serve her no name brand mustard as opposed to French's. It's insane. It all comes from my husbands side of the family. He was picky, his niece and nephew are picky and his sister, who is a marathon runner, eats very little besides junk. Luckily my daughter doesn't have a weight problem...quite the opposite. She is in the 3rd percentile for height and weight but all of the women on my husbands side are small.

All this to say it may not be the parents fault and it might not be a power struggle. She may just be sensitive to food and it sounds like she is VERY stressed during meal times. I don't know how the food programs work for you guys but I would just give her whatever just to make it a pleasant experience for everyone. Can you do that?

I don't think she is sensitive to food, as she used to eat many things. She used to love ALL fruit, used to eat corn and peas and fresh carrots. Used to eat applesauce and yogurt. She used to love love love smoothies, even adding spinach in herself to help. I have kids with SPD/SID and have seen kids with extreme food issues- this is NOT that.

If I gave her what she wanted, I would have to quadruple the grains at every meal as she will literally stuff herself with them, and then I am limited to serving ONLY her preferred grains (which lack fiber and nutrition).

She just quite literally holds out until she goes home to eat. She tells her mother when she picks up what she WILL eat for dinner and the Mom just nods and smiles as she is dictating that mommy better do this and this so dcg will eat or she wont eat at all and Mommy will be sad.

I also have an older crew- all eat pretty well, some true dislikes. If I gave dcg seconds and thirds of her preferred food/grain, I would have to do so for every child here.

[daycarediva]

to clarify- she would eat bananas, kiwi, any baked item, any bread/toast, bagels, and yogurt just before New Years. She now refuses to eat them.

She is also IN CHARGE at her house, and the parents do anything for her not to cry. She is mostly laid back, so she isn't having major behavioral issues. Her parents schedule is all over the place, she increased days and hours away from them before halloween, then they added grandma saturdays as both parents are now self employed. I really feel like this is the ONE area she has control over so she is using it. Mom just sent me a text asking if dcg had eaten here- as she refused the fruit snacks that weren't red in her pouch on the way over and wanted dcm to drive home to get more, and dcm was late so she couldn't drive home... (or she would have!)

[Josiegirl]

Wowza, that little girl sounds like she rules the roost. Or tries to. And yeh, as soon as you said chocolate muffins in cute wrappers only, my eyes almost knocked the ceiling fan off due to rolling. I would not play any games with this dcg. Feed her what everyone else gets, except just bites because it sounds like most of it will be thrown away.
I had a 4 yo dcb a few years ago who lived on corn dogs, cookies, pizza, pb&j....you get the picture. I remember serving him things he didn't want and he'd throw his silverware, his plate would go sliding across the table. Oh he was fun. Was I ever glad when he went to kindergarten!!

[Ariana]

Yeah my child is exactly like this too. She used to love spaghetti and broccoli and avocado....now she won't touch it. She stopped eating grapes recently. Sometimes she will eat things if they are prepared in a certain way. For example she will eat store bought guacamole but not homemade. She likes her eggs boiled with butter and salt etc. I have spoken to my naturopathic dr about it and her only advice was to hold out and she will eventually eat it. Well in 6 years that has never ever worked. I never ever cook seperate food for her and she has gone to bed hungry more than once (I am a daycare provider so you can imagine I was strict about this issue!)

Anyway in this case if the mom is giving in you have very little control over getting her to eat what you want her to eat. (if that method would even work anyway). I guess I would ask myself why I am worrying more than the parent about this? I would serve what I wanted to serve and she either eats or she doesn't and I would let the parents know that she is not eating here. Tell them you have nutritional standards and she is not interested in food with good nurtition.

Today I served a plate full of beautiful veggies, hummus and breadsticks. My own daughter ate the whole plate (my youngest) and the dck ate only the breadsticks. Whatever...bot my problem!

[Ariana]

Hmm is this the child being left in care for a long time? Might be anxiety.

[mamamanda]

If she is struggling with anxiety I might try to lessen it through other means, but I would in no way alter the meals for her. She can eat or not, and if she chooses to scream let her do it in the calm down spot. I can't remember who suggested this to me, but someone on here suggested that if child wants to carry on during meal time send them straight to nap. Oh, you must be too tired to eat today. That's ok. You can go ahead and lay down. No stopping anywhere else. If she wants to carry on while laying on the cot until everyone else arrives for nap, so be it. Typically only takes a couple days to decide that sitting nicely at the table even if you're not eating is preferable to laying on a cot by yourself.

I hate that her parents are coddling her in this area. Makes it harder for you. :hug:

[Unregistered]

I would serve what I want and ignore the behavior. Excuse her from the table to a time out if she misbehaves. I would only serve protein and veggies for snack.
It is a control thing. I can't stand that kind of behavior. All the rights without the responsibility. If it were MY child I would eliminate all grains aND go to healthy carbohydrates. I would also only serve after the rest of the meal was done. I am a carbaholic, I know how she feels. It's hard but it sounds like she is super unhealthy. She will be obese at this rate.

[Thriftylady]

It does sound like a control thing. Which is a behavior issue. A behavior the parents are allowing so it will be hard for you to put an end to. I would say that she will learn the difference between home and daycare, because most kids do. But some just don't care. I wouldn't keep dealing with it though.

[Laurel]

If she is struggling with anxiety I might try to lessen it through other means, but I would in no way alter the meals for her. She can eat or not, and if she chooses to scream let her do it in the calm down spot. I can't remember who suggested this to me, but someone on here suggested that if child wants to carry on during meal time send them straight to nap. Oh, you must be too tired to eat today. That's ok. You can go ahead and lay down. No stopping anywhere else. If she wants to carry on while laying on the cot until everyone else arrives for nap, so be it. Typically only takes a couple days to decide that sitting nicely at the table even if you're not eating is preferable to laying on a cot by yourself.

I hate that her parents are coddling her in this area. Makes it harder for you. :hug:

I've done that before.

[Unregistered]

My son hasn't had a veggie near his mouth in 5 years except for peas. My picker eater loves strawberries but won't eat them if they are slightly soft or hard.. They have to be just right. Grapes have to be cut individually so he can't see where the stem went into the grape. Apples have to be sliced and peeled. He won't eat foods that touch. Peanut butter and jelly on a sandwich. No way. Separated on a plate just fine. He likes fruit snacks but again they have to be the right kind. Eats white pizza but it can't have any specks of seasoning on it. He likes pasta with nothing on it. Hardboiled egg whites only. He can't see a speck of yellow or he won't eat it. He isn't a sweet eater..but loves salty things. Dry toast Ok. He will eat a plain hamburger. Just the hamburger no roll. Hotdog,again no roll. He won't drink milk at all. He drinks water 95 percent of the time. Meals are catered to his choice or he would literally not eat. If I suggest I try a food. He takes the tinyest nibble. He is 8 and weights 50 lbs.

[Thriftylady]

My son hasn't had a veggie near his mouth in 5 years except for peas. My picker eater loves strawberries but won't eat them if they are slightly soft or hard.. They have to be just right. Grapes have to be cut individually so he can't see where the stem went into the grape. Apples have to be sliced and peeled. He won't eat foods that touch. Peanut butter and jelly on a sandwich. No way. Separated on a plate just fine. He likes fruit snacks but again they have to be the right kind. Eats white pizza but it can't have any specks of seasoning on it. He likes pasta with nothing on it. Hardboiled egg whites only. He can't see a speck of yellow or he won't eat it. He isn't a sweet eater..but loves salty things. Dry toast Ok. He will eat a plain hamburger. Just the hamburger no roll. Hotdog,again no roll. He won't drink milk at all. He drinks water 95 percent of the time. Meals are catered to his choice or he would literally not eat. If I suggest I try a food. He takes the tinyest nibble. He is 8 and weights 50 lbs.

As a parent I guess that is fine, but as a daycare provider I just can't cater everything to one child's needs. My only option would be to have the parents bring the food, but I only allow that with a doctor's written prescription.

[Mad_Pistachio]

I am not going to advice anything. I tried to find the original quote by Nigel Latta, but I couldn't, so I will just translate from a Russian translation that I have read before.

In 1972 in the mounts of Andes, an airplane with a soccer team on board has crashed. They all spent a lot of time with just snow and each other. After they have run out of the vending machine contents, they tried to eat snow, but, as it turned out, snow does not satisfy hunger, and they were forced to eat the dead bodies of their teammates.
Not a bad way out of the situation. Hungry people are capable of eating anything, even each other, if it comes to that. This is almost all that you need to know about picky eating. almost (c) by Nigel Latta, "Before Your Kids Drive You Crazy."
the moral is simple as a pie: hungry people eat.

sorry for busting into a topic like that, but I worked in a family raising a picky eater for more than 7 years, and last 3 he was getting worse every week. I tried to feed him healthy, but hey, I can't shovel food down his throat (not that I would want to). what angered me most was that I was blamed for his poor diet.
now, he was not overweight, but he was constipated (to the point that I found glycerin suppositories in his cabinet in the bathroom while looking for a hand cream), his behavior suffered (for a lack of a better word, he was becoming a jerk), he slept about 7-8 hour at night at 7-8 years old (not enough, I have a textbook to prove it), he was getting hyperactive, and he only started rolling downhill healthwise when I finally quit. and it all was, apparently, my fault.
anyway. now, I just quote Latta and ask parents what they think fried human brains would taste like (tastes like chicken, btw; ask the survivors).

poor girl. her health is already suffering, and she is just 3, and there is still time to change it all.

[sharlan]

I would STOP the mealtime battles.

Have a sit down talk with both dcm and dcd, plus the child.

Explain that the menus are what they are, they are for the benefit of all children and will not be altered for her.

Then I would stop the battles with the child. I would serve her very small portions of what you feed the rest of the children. Either she eats it or she doesn't. If she throws a fit, then it's off to nap without breakfast or lunch. Children too tired to eat need to sleep.

I have a daughter that negotiates EVERYTHING with a 7 yo terrorist. Everything is a battle from food to homework. He will not do homework or eat a bite of food if she is here. When she's not, he'll do his homework and eat most of what I put in front of him. I will not negotiate with him and he knows it.