Crying at Drop Off

[daycarediva]

I have two kids- one is 3 and VERY part time 1-2 days/week. I believe she has anxiety in general. She cries whenever her Mom leaves her- even at home with Dad. They do a quick goodbye, but I believe they are working her up by talking about it at home. She literally comes in crying "I'm not crying, I'm sorry." Within MINUTES she is fine- up playing and the rest of the day is fine.

She cries when she leaves, too. Same issue, wants to stay.

ANY ideas? I have told the parents to keep it short and sweet, they do. BUT it hasn't helped and it's getting worse, not better.

[Annalee]

I have two kids- one is 3 and VERY part time 1-2 days/week. I believe she has anxiety in general. She cries whenever her Mom leaves her- even at home with Dad. They do a quick goodbye, but I believe they are working her up by talking about it at home. She literally comes in crying "I'm not crying, I'm sorry." Within MINUTES she is fine- up playing and the rest of the day is fine.

She cries when she leaves, too. Same issue, wants to stay.

ANY ideas? I have told the parents to keep it short and sweet, they do. BUT it hasn't helped and it's getting worse, not better.

I have one doing this as well. I also feel the mom provokes it by the conversation on the way here. This child will be 3 in March and always goes to the play area but she is crying saying "mom will you come back, mom will you come back". But as soon as the mom leaves the child never mentions it again. I do not allow the mom to linger which helps. I have told the mom she is fine, but not sure she believes me

[ChelseaB]

Maybe they're keeping the goodbye quick, but it does sound like they're talking it up a lot at home or in the car on the way over. Although it may not be their intentions, their conversations beforehand could be working against them. Instead of a simple: "we are going to daycare today, you're going to have so much fun!", maybe they're saying "I'm so sorry you have to go to daycare; Mommy is going to miss you so much!!; I know you hate this, but it's only for a little while..." Etc etc. I find these statements can make kids dread anything, no matter how much they like or don't mind something. Of course, you have no way of knowing for certain, but I would find a way to nicely incorporate how important enthusiasm and positivity for situations like this are.

[Mad_Pistachio]

I don't know how appropritate it would be to ask parents if they talk about going to daycare before coming (in the morning, on the way, or even the night before), but it seems like a lot of us make this mistake. we have done it, too. we thought it would help to talk it out, but it made things even worse. yeah, I felt like a salt pole dropping her off without saying a single word about it in the car on the way, but it seemed to help much more than trying to give her a pep talk. (she was 2 at the time)

[SnowGirl]

I wonder if anyone knows of a good resource or article about this? I will research it later. I know it's a very common problem...

[Unregistered]

I tell parents, yep they cry when they come and they cry when they leave. It's so common it has a name: transition. Keep it short and positive and it usually goes away by the time they start high school.

Most parents have no idea till you tell them.

[Ariana]

It has a LOT to do with parent anxiety which is highly uncontrollable. If the parents feel even slightly guilty or worried about their child it will set this off big time in sensitive/anxious child. Short and sweet is great but remind the parent that they need to be very confident in their choice of daycare because the kid picks up on this. This is why talking about it makes it worse. The parents get worked up, asking questions like "why dont you want to go to daycare?" Etc. And then becoming suspicious. This rubs off on the kid.

Drop off needs to be short and sweet and with confidence. I literally had this problem with my niece! How hilarious is that? My brother in law was causing the whole thing so I had to tell my sister to start dropping her off. Problem solved. I think my niece, being that she was older, was using it to get attention.

Maybe changing who drops off might help too? I find usually dads to be better but not always. This is why my husband always did extra curricular activites with my kids when they were younger. My social anxiety always got in the way. Even this week at the dentist it caused issues for my sensitive 3 yr old.

[daycarediva]

Today Mom put a lonngg note in her folder and sent me a text that they read it together in the car, and to read it if she needed assurance today.

I read it.

Mom is contributing. The letter is all about how much fun they have together, the next day they are going to-----. Ugh. This conversation has to be had. She literally is working against smooth drop offs.

And it STINKS, because the parents are concerned, and continue to bring it up to me AND her, and now dcg is getting anxious about BEING anxious, and she is quite literally a GEM for the entire rest of her time here. Everyone loves her. Her drop off is smack dab in the middle of my busiest drop off time, 4 other kids are being dropped off at the SAME time, so other parents are like :confused: too. AND now another dcb is starting to mimic dcg. At the end of the day, parents are literally DRAGGING children out of here, most end up crying that they don't want to leave. Transitions. ARGHHHHHHHH

[Blackcat31]

Today Mom put a lonngg note in her folder and sent me a text that they read it together in the car, and to read it if she needed assurance today.

I read it.

Mom is contributing. The letter is all about how much fun they have together, the next day they are going to-----. Ugh. This conversation has to be had. She literally is working against smooth drop offs.

And it STINKS, because the parents are concerned, and continue to bring it up to me AND her, and now dcg is getting anxious about BEING anxious, and she is quite literally a GEM for the entire rest of her time here. Everyone loves her. Her drop off is smack dab in the middle of my busiest drop off time, 4 other kids are being dropped off at the SAME time, so other parents are like :confused: too. AND now another dcb is starting to mimic dcg. At the end of the day, parents are literally DRAGGING children out of here, most end up crying that they don't want to leave. Transitions. ARGHHHHHHHH

Ask DCP's if they are willing to try an experiment for two weeks.

If so the ONLY rule to the experiment is NO talk about daycare. PERIOD. Nothing, not a word. No reassurrances, no discussion, no nothing.

Just drop off, quick kiss, "I love you, mommy will be back at the end of the day! Have fun! Bye!"

Walk out.

You welcome kids in and go about your normal routine.
If DCG mentions mom/dad or home, just redirect and continue on with the day.
If she's especially anxious, a quick non-chalant "Janie, you're fine. Lets go do X" should help.

My DS was a very anxious child. The more I tried reassuring him the worse I made it. I discussed daycare at home alot because I thought I was reassuring him but I didnt really see the fallout happening at daycare beyond the long drop off...

Now as an adult my son can easily express to me that sometimes those good intentions for reassurance are actually the problem.

Sometimes the answer is simple.

This is the way it is. period. You are safe. Mom/dad will be back. Go play.

Worst case scenario.... It doesn't work and you try something else but the clue for me was that she becomes anxious about being anxious because others are trying to fix something that doesn't need that much attention because the attention is making her anxious.... that's a tough cycle to be stuck in.... I'd feel anxious too

[Blackcat31]

My handbook says:

"Transition times such as drop off and pick-up can be a difficult time for children. Please try to make these times as short as possible.

Years of experience have taught me that children are resilient and usually transition quickly upon drop off if the parent is swift, firm and regular in their separation routines.

Children often feed off of any anxiety or stress a parent exhibits so it is important that you address the child's fears with a reassuring hug/kiss, state your plans to return at the end of the day and follow with a quick exit.

If your child is experiencing any separation anxiety or issues, please rest assured that I will do everything necessary to welcome your child and make their transition from parent to childcare a comfortable and pleasant one.

If your child does not calm down and join the rest of the group within a reasonable amount of time, you will be called to assist or pick up if necessary.

If there is anything you need to discuss with me, please set up a time to talk in which we can do so privately and uninterrupted."