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How to Parent a Parent?
When a parent complains about how their child behaves at home, and asks for your advice...... over and over and over..... and the advice you give, they say doesn't work, and you know that it is probably because they didn't actually DO what you suggested........ and then they complain more about their child..... and you actually see for yourself what you think the problem could possibly be.... how do you point out to the parent, what you notice they are doing that they may not even be aware of, that needs to be corrected? Make sense?? How do you 'kindly' say 'ok, so this is what I see you are doing, and this is why I think he's acting the way he is..... I want to help this mom SO badly.... she's even got him going to a behavioral specialist for how he behaves at home......he's fine here...... I have NO problem with him.
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If it were me, I would keep my distance.
I do offer advice when asked. But I keep the advice to industry standard stuff.
Ex: when asked for discipline advice, I tell them what I do if it were to happen here. Time outs, losing privileges, etc.
I don't necessarily tell them what I do with my kids.
Since you don't have issues when the child is in your care and you mentioned they were seeing a behavioral specialist, I would leave it to the paid professional to tell them if they are doing something wrong with their parenting approach. -
Smile and nod, smile and nod
If she asks for advice tell her you will email her later...but then "forget". I give advice once and that's it.Comment
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Some people will just complain and complain and NEVER take advice, even when they ask for it so it seems. Maybe next time just recommend a book for her to read? That kind of person annoys me to no end, but you can't really change them.Comment
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Yep, you are all right. I just need to keep my opinion to myself.....it's just sooo hard sometimes. Especially when you have a child for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week....Comment
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Gee susie, I really wish that I could help, but I am not there to observe what is going on at your home.
Our expectations from school to home are very different. It sounds like you already found a behavior specialist and that is what I would have suggested.
then just smile.
I would not jump in...Comment
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I think it can be very hard to give advice on disciplining at home, especially when the child already has some behavior issues. Kids act so much different (worse) for their parents, so if I were to give advice on what I would do in a situation, it may translate, because the child's response to me saying it is so much different then their response to their parent saying it. The parent needs to know what the second and third step are when the kid ultimately throws a fit and they have to be consistent, so unless you can get her to wear an ear piece and feed her the steps and what to say, it will probably be pointless to even try to help
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LOL, the last time she complained and acted shocked that he wasn't doing this here, I said 'well, I can go to your house for the weekend and play SUPER NANNY if you want. That's the only way I can help you'.Comment
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I wouldn't be so quick to offer that service as I've actually had parents ask me to do that.
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My advice is to tell mom that YOU are not the parent and the child obviously behaves differently for you because of that and because the environment and expectations are totally different.
I do not generally give parenting advice in regards to behaviors at home because it's worthless without any follow through on the parents part and since I can't MAKE them do that, it's not worth the effort.
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- Unless otherwise stated, all my posts are personal opinion and worth what you paid for them.
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But YES! Clients are NOT really looking for you to answer them. They only want to hear you say it doesn't happen at DC and your reassurance the child behaves for you. Then they can pat themselves on the back and say "kids always behave better for someone else!"
I'm always kind of surprised at the lengths some providers go to "help" the parents. Back and forth emails, phamplets, books, etc. I always think "dude, you're wasting your time!"
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I do the nod and smile, and maybe make some sympathetic murmurs. That's the extent of my involvement.Comment
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I won't/don't give parenting advice. I tell them that I don't have any to give, and then I offer sympathy/empathy noises and looks. Or say something like, "parenting is so hard...hang in there". I'll sometimes say "Don't worry, he/she will outgrow it by the time they turn 18-20yo." And then give a laugh.
I don't think that parents really want advice (even when they explicitly ask), and it's just going to be frustrating when any proffered advice is ignored, so I won't even go there.
When they ask how I get the kids to do or not do something, I explain that it's a whole different dynamic and environment here than at home and that's why a technique or practice works for me. They are free to try it at home, of course, but I don't want to hear about how it's not working for them. It's probably because they aren't consistent enough or haven't given it enough time, and I just don't want to hear their tales of woe.Comment
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I'll usually offer advice once, if I have any. After that I just consider it whining on the parents part.
I have an 11mo still getting up 2-4 times per night. At first I was trying to keep her up, offer advice, feed her more so she'd sleep longer. Then I realized I was the only one working on the issue. Well, it's dcmoms problem now. I think she actually likes the situation so she can whine and people will feel sorry for her.Comment
I have that parent right now and I bought her a book and have given advice but some people just don't listen or read the book 
. They will have to figure it out on their own.
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