Difficult Child and Parent

[HipUsername]

Hi I just registered here. I hope this is the right place to post this, sorry if it isn't... I really am desperate to figure out what to do about a child I've been looking after.

I've only been watching kids in my home for a little over 3 months now, but I've watched many children over the years through babysitting, daycare, nannying, nursery teacher, so I've seen my fair share of personalities, and I love kids. I'm watching a 2 year old who is extremely difficult, and after just 3 months I feel burned-out by him and his mother. I've seen a lot of people mentioning they're licensed, I'm not. Honestly I can't afford it, I'm going through a separation and need money so I just put up an ad on craigslist and got responses. I didn't establish contracts, I didn't set boundaries, and I was flexible with hours. I actually don't even know one of the kid's last name! Wow I am pathetic.

I have a 2 1/2 yo daughter and I watch a 4 yo boy along with the 2 1/2 yo boy that I'm having trouble with. Three kids would normally be very easy for me, but the 2 yo requires constant supervision. I don't know if this is necessary or if I'm just venting but this bullet list will paint the image of how insane and miserable this has been and why I'm feeling like ramming my head against a wall. I've dealt with most of these issues with kids, they would have one or a few of these but not all of them. So if anything he's quite unique! So much so that I want to ram my head against a wall. Did I already say that? :: -hysterical laughter that makes everyone uncomfortable- Anyway, list:

• He doesn't want to/isn't able to participate in the activities that I prepare. I've tried a lot of different things, but his attention span is incredibly short and he eats/destroys everything, so the schedule revolves around him and the others are suffering.
• He's violent, and not usually when he's angry but when he's playing. He tries to bite and has bitten the 4 yo and bit me this morning. He also throws toys and hits, he puts his feet on the other kids when they're not looking (and his feet are usually dirty because they let him walk outside barefoot into my house so if I don't wipe his feet they're black, that's another bullet). He's doing this as a way of playing, I've warned and used timeout and he still does it every day.
• He has poor hygiene. He's one of the worst smelling kids I've ever encountered, his clothes smell like mildew and his feet are filthy and his fingernails/toenails are always long and dirty. I've suggested that he use bug spray to his mom because he always has mosquito bites and he scratches them with his long dirty fingernails until they bleed. He developed impetigo a couple months ago, around that time I very passively/politely suggested cutting his fingernails to his mom, but she didn't cut them.
• He constantly has his fingers in his nose and mouth, he drools down his arm putting his entire hand into his mouth . His nose is almost always runny, I think because he licks and puts everything in his mouth. He's potty training now and so his fingers are now going into his butt. I've told him not to because it's germy and I wipe his hands, but he cries and throws a fit if I wash his hands, plus it is literally constant, his finger is always in an orafice of his body. His mom does nothing about it, she watched him chew on my daughter's sandal until I noticed and told him to stop, she watches him lick my screen door, she doesn't care.
• He is destructive. He has broken so many toys, he's ripped books and torn the other kids art by biting it apart, he threw a hairbrush at my TV in front of his mom and her reaction was to gasp and laugh. He bleeds on blankets and sheets too because he scratches bug bites and cuts the inside of his nose with his fingernails and gets nose bleeds.
• He eats like a 1 year old, he won't stay sitting down to eat and even when he is the food gets everywhere, he spits things out even if he likes it, he'll take his plate when I'm not looking and throw the entire plate in the garbage. He also eats crayons and markers and chalk and anything else that a 2 yo would typically have grown out of sampling by now.
• The mom and the dad show up whenever they feel like to drop him off and pick him up, it's literally a different time every day. she has an alternate schedule for each day at work but it's the same schedule every week, but the dad works at night so sometimes he brings him instead. But I never know what they're going to do they never tell me. And she'll tell me she needs to bring him early and then they show up later with no apologies.
• When the mom drops him off or picks him up, she doesn't leave, she sits down and will take as long as half an hour to leave my house. She also walks through my house, like follows me into my kitchen and has followed me into the bathroom before. She usually is venting about personal problems, so I never feel comfortable telling her about issues her kid is having. In fact I usually don't get a chance.
• The dad found my personal instagram and started following me, and it feels really awkward. I don't think the mom knows. He commented and liked photos on my instagram late at night, I never responded. He also sent a few weird texts, I took a day to respond and just answered with one word answers to keep it professional.

So basically this is the worst experience I have ever had with a kid and family. I'm sure you're reading this and thinking "what is wrong with you why are you still watching this kid?" or maybe "did you really have to type all this out this is way too long," I understand both. My problem is that I'm pretty shy, I'm not good at saying no, I tend to let people walk all over me. So I really have no idea how to tell someone who I've never established boundaries with that I don't want to watch their kid without it being messy.

Yesterday I meant to ask 2 yo's mom again if she could cut his nails, because he scratched my 2 yo across her nose a couple weeks ago and scratched me last week, and bled on something again. She came late and I was filling the tub for my 2 yo because it was almost bedtime, I didn't hear her knock and she didn't call, she was mad and left quickly. I sent a text asking nicely but casually if she could cut his nails, and I got no response. Today he showed up with long nails and his dad dropped him off and picked him up which isn't normal, so I think she's being passive aggressive.

So I can't sleep, I feel sick and anxious at the thought of a confrontation. I'm really scared things are going to get ugly, and I'm afraid I still won't have the courage to stand up for myself. I really need help with this, as much advice as humanly possible with plenty of detail, because I have no idea how to start this kind of conversation much less execute it. Any advice on how to set boundaries and rules would be great too (like how to tell someone to scram after I've watched their kid for 10 hours, but nicely. Or ask for their last name).

PS, I am really sorry this is so long, it's as long as a Dan Brown novel. I just need to make the font bigger and add tons of page breaks and conspiracy theories and you will have read a Dan Brown novel.

[childcaremom]

Term and replace. I don't like confrontation, either, and would describe myself as being shy. What worked best for me the first few times I had to this was to type out my letter (generic: The last day I am able to provide care for your child is ...... Here is the number for your local referral service.) I have that in my hand at pick up (so I can't 'forget') and verbally tell them that I am no longer able to provide care for their child and usher them out the door. I made sure that ALL items were packed up and ready to go so I never had to see them again.

I think in this case you just need to be done. I wouldn't want to deal with that for one second more. It sounds so stressful for you and for the other children in your care. I would send them an email/text/phone whatever and tell them that you are no longer able to provide care. Arrange a time for them to pick up belongings.

Seriously, that is stuff I would not put up with and you don't have to. One thing I have learned is that good clients are out there. My interviewing techniques have greatly improved and I am pretty good about finding families who will be a good fit. I have also gained enough confidence that if I sign a family on and they turn out not to be, I can speak up and either fix the issue or else term.

The single most important thing for me to learn was my own limits and what I am prepared to deal with as part of this job. I had my share of issues come up when I was first starting out. I took on more than I should have. We have all been there!

First things first:
Get a contract and handbook. It is the only way to survive in this business. My contract covers hours, pay, etc. My handbook covers drop offs, illnesses, hygiene (in so far as children arrive dressed and ready for the day), payment, behaviour, etc. It is parents like yours that made me write one up and parents like that that make me keep adding things to it. It protects you but it also makes it clear for parents what they can expect when they sign on with you.

I have set times that children may be dropped off (I do contracted hours). I also have a cut off. Not here by 9 am with no contact? No entry and marked absent.

I am really on top of aggression of any form. Any aggression towards me and that child would be gone instantly. I would call for pick up and be done right then.

Find out about licensing. I am legally unlicensed but I know it varies everywhere. Make sure you are following requirements.

Lastly, come often to the forum and everyone will help you get a backbone Best thing I ever did. Everyone is so helpful and it is so nice to get different perspectives from people who have been there.

[Josiegirl]

Oh my, I did read your whole post but don't think I made it through the first 1/4 without thinking this family would be history yesterday!! I'm extremely shy and loathe confrontation. Trust me on this. But no way NO WAY would I put up with everything you've put up with. I agree with PP, keep it short and to the point and if they insist on knowing why just say I can no longer provide care. You do NOT need to give any other reason at all. Unfriend them(or whatever you do) from instagram/fb and wherever else you're connected in the cyber world and be done.
You don't need to(you have no contract but even so, with all those issues it could be immediate grounds for termination) but if you feel you should, you could allow them a few days notice.
I know you said you need the $ but you're allowing yourself to be used and abused for a few bucks. Eat beans and rice and do as PP suggested. Get a contract. Replace with good families. Protect YOUR rights and business and find out the regulations for your state. You say you can't afford licensing but you can't not afford following rules too. Good luck!! If you inquire about licensing it's possible you could get financial help to get what's required.

[spedmommy4]

I agree with the previous poster. And I will add:

1. Stop caring for this child. It will not improve. Ever.
2. In your shoes, I would probably report to child protective services for child neglect. No baths? No nail cutting? Allowing bug bites to get so bad that he gets impetigo? All red flags to report.
3. Block the dad of Instagram and then make your Instagram a private account.
https://www.facebook.com/help/instag...6700567389543/ (Instructions). If you end care, block both parents (especially dad) numbers from calling your cell.
4. Look at licensing laws in your state and see how many kids you can care for. In my state, it's 1. The fines for going over 1 are $200 a day. You need to know the law. If any parent gets mad they can report you.

** Or maybe someone on here is from LA, and would know? I just looked to see if I could find a quick answer and the licensing laws are complicated! It looks like your state transferred family childcare administration to the department of education. Ugh! That sounds like something California would do. (Though I hope we don't)

[KidGrind]

Hi I just registered here. I hope this is the right place to post this, sorry if it isn't... I really am desperate to figure out what to do about a child I've been looking after.

I've only been watching kids in my home for a little over 3 months now, but I've watched many children over the years through babysitting, daycare, nannying, nursery teacher, so I've seen my fair share of personalities, and I love kids. I'm watching a 2 year old who is extremely difficult, and after just 3 months I feel burned-out by him and his mother. I've seen a lot of people mentioning they're licensed, I'm not. Honestly I can't afford it, I'm going through a separation and need money so I just put up an ad on craigslist and got responses. I didn't establish contracts, I didn't set boundaries, and I was flexible with hours. I actually don't even know one of the kid's last name! Wow I am pathetic.

I have a 2 1/2 yo daughter and I watch a 4 yo boy along with the 2 1/2 yo boy that I'm having trouble with. Three kids would normally be very easy for me, but the 2 yo requires constant supervision. I don't know if this is necessary or if I'm just venting but this bullet list will paint the image of how insane and miserable this has been and why I'm feeling like ramming my head against a wall. I've dealt with most of these issues with kids, they would have one or a few of these but not all of them. So if anything he's quite unique! So much so that I want to ram my head against a wall. Did I already say that? :: -hysterical laughter that makes everyone uncomfortable- Anyway, list:

• He doesn't want to/isn't able to participate in the activities that I prepare. I've tried a lot of different things, but his attention span is incredibly short and he eats/destroys everything, so the schedule revolves around him and the others are suffering.
• He's violent, and not usually when he's angry but when he's playing. He tries to bite and has bitten the 4 yo and bit me this morning. He also throws toys and hits, he puts his feet on the other kids when they're not looking (and his feet are usually dirty because they let him walk outside barefoot into my house so if I don't wipe his feet they're black, that's another bullet). He's doing this as a way of playing, I've warned and used timeout and he still does it every day.
• He has poor hygiene. He's one of the worst smelling kids I've ever encountered, his clothes smell like mildew and his feet are filthy and his fingernails/toenails are always long and dirty. I've suggested that he use bug spray to his mom because he always has mosquito bites and he scratches them with his long dirty fingernails until they bleed. He developed impetigo a couple months ago, around that time I very passively/politely suggested cutting his fingernails to his mom, but she didn't cut them.
• He constantly has his fingers in his nose and mouth, he drools down his arm putting his entire hand into his mouth . His nose is almost always runny, I think because he licks and puts everything in his mouth. He's potty training now and so his fingers are now going into his butt. I've told him not to because it's germy and I wipe his hands, but he cries and throws a fit if I wash his hands, plus it is literally constant, his finger is always in an orafice of his body. His mom does nothing about it, she watched him chew on my daughter's sandal until I noticed and told him to stop, she watches him lick my screen door, she doesn't care.
• He is destructive. He has broken so many toys, he's ripped books and torn the other kids art by biting it apart, he threw a hairbrush at my TV in front of his mom and her reaction was to gasp and laugh. He bleeds on blankets and sheets too because he scratches bug bites and cuts the inside of his nose with his fingernails and gets nose bleeds.
• He eats like a 1 year old, he won't stay sitting down to eat and even when he is the food gets everywhere, he spits things out even if he likes it, he'll take his plate when I'm not looking and throw the entire plate in the garbage. He also eats crayons and markers and chalk and anything else that a 2 yo would typically have grown out of sampling by now.
• The mom and the dad show up whenever they feel like to drop him off and pick him up, it's literally a different time every day. she has an alternate schedule for each day at work but it's the same schedule every week, but the dad works at night so sometimes he brings him instead. But I never know what they're going to do they never tell me. And she'll tell me she needs to bring him early and then they show up later with no apologies.
• When the mom drops him off or picks him up, she doesn't leave, she sits down and will take as long as half an hour to leave my house. She also walks through my house, like follows me into my kitchen and has followed me into the bathroom before. She usually is venting about personal problems, so I never feel comfortable telling her about issues her kid is having. In fact I usually don't get a chance.
• The dad found my personal instagram and started following me, and it feels really awkward. I don't think the mom knows. He commented and liked photos on my instagram late at night, I never responded. He also sent a few weird texts, I took a day to respond and just answered with one word answers to keep it professional.

So basically this is the worst experience I have ever had with a kid and family. I'm sure you're reading this and thinking "what is wrong with you why are you still watching this kid?" or maybe "did you really have to type all this out this is way too long," I understand both. My problem is that I'm pretty shy, I'm not good at saying no, I tend to let people walk all over me. So I really have no idea how to tell someone who I've never established boundaries with that I don't want to watch their kid without it being messy.

Yesterday I meant to ask 2 yo's mom again if she could cut his nails, because he scratched my 2 yo across her nose a couple weeks ago and scratched me last week, and bled on something again. She came late and I was filling the tub for my 2 yo because it was almost bedtime, I didn't hear her knock and she didn't call, she was mad and left quickly. I sent a text asking nicely but casually if she could cut his nails, and I got no response. Today he showed up with long nails and his dad dropped him off and picked him up which isn't normal, so I think she's being passive aggressive.

So I can't sleep, I feel sick and anxious at the thought of a confrontation. I'm really scared things are going to get ugly, and I'm afraid I still won't have the courage to stand up for myself. I really need help with this, as much advice as humanly possible with plenty of detail, because I have no idea how to start this kind of conversation much less execute it. Any advice on how to set boundaries and rules would be great too (like how to tell someone to scram after I've watched their kid for 10 hours, but nicely. Or ask for their last name).

PS, I am really sorry this is so long, it's as long as a Dan Brown novel. I just need to make the font bigger and add tons of page breaks and conspiracy theories and you will have read a Dan Brown novel.

Due to your personality, I don’t think my normal advice would work. So I will just suggest you set up a conference with the parents. If I were you I’d have my spouse, parent or strong personality out of sight but in ear shot. When they arrive they would see the other adult. The other adult could go to another area within ear shot but out of sight. This is so they know you’re not alone.

All of the bullet points you’ve shared with us is what I’d share with them. I would say the following:

I’d let to share with you some observations I’ve noticed caring for _________. I also would like to discuss some boundaries.

First I offer group care, _________ requires a lot of one on one care. During group projects he doesn’t appear interested in participating. We were painting flowers. ________ proceeded to tear up his paper as he ran around the room. I stopped him and guided him back to the table. He then started chewing and eating on the paper. While all these examples may be common development stages for a child exploring his environment. _________ needs for constant redirection and guidance results on the other children in care oftentimes missing out on group crafts or activities.

When ________ doesn’t want to participate. I encourage him to play with blocks, trucks or look at a book. _________ will play or engage in an activity for a minute or two. Then he will take the truck, block or book and hit a child or me during our activity. He has also bitten. Violence is unacceptable in group care. It’s a safety issue.

Another safety and health issue is _________ Johnny comes in without shoes in the morning. His feet are often black on the bottom. That dirt is transferred to my floor, myself and other children in my care because he often kicks or rubs his feet on us. Other health and safety concerns are due to his excessive insect bites, he scratches he is constantly bleeding. From this point forward all his bug bites must be covered by bandaids and/or clothing or I cannot accept him into care that day. His body odor is also quite strong. He equally must arrive bathed, fingernails cut wearing clean clothes.

I would like us to work as a team in guiding ______ in appropriate behaviors. One of the important steps we can start immediately working together on is creating a routine of appropriate behavior at drop-off and pick-up. When he arrives clean and with shoes on, he is not allowed to lick windows. We all say our good mornings for the day and our goodbyes. At pick up it’s the same thing, once you arrive we greet one another and then parents promptly take him home to start an evening of family time.





Also, I would be documenting all your interactions with them AND I would’ve made a call to CPS and my licensor regarding suspicion of child neglect.

You deserve to sleep at night. You work hard during the day. Lack of sleep, leads to stress and stress leads to lack of patience. And I firmly believe this business requires a ton of patience. Don’t allow this family to ruin your business, you have the control in this business relationship. You just need to pick up the reins.

[KidGrind]

In addition, I am attaching a form I received from BlackCat. It has been a wonderful straight to the point tool to document and demonstrate to parents I mean business. Once I hand them that paper and they don’t change their ways, I terminate and don’t look back. I keep the original and give them a copy.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8_3z0c2eVI8R2lNRFhkWXN4ZEU/view?usp=sharing

[Thriftylady]

I agree on checking with licensing. In some states you can operate unlicensed and keep less kids. Here in Ohio I am a class B home, so legally unlicensed and can have six kiddos. In some states you can't do that and it can cause you big issues and may keep you from ever getting one.

Secondly. On the not knowing one kids last name... Fix that NOW you should have full enrollment paperwork on these kiddos. Medical releases, emergency contact forms, the whole nine yards or you could find yourself in a bind there also.

Last write you up a contract and handbook. You really need these items to keep from going through what you are. People will walk all over you if you let them. You need to term this family and start over with your new policies and backbone!

Good luck!

[Thriftylady]

[ATTACH]3581[/ATTACH]


In addition, I am attaching a form I received from BlackCat. It has been a wonderful straight to the point tool to document and demonstrate to parents I mean business. Once I hand them that paper and they don’t change their ways, I terminate and don’t look back. I keep the original and give them a copy.

I tried attaching a file. I kept receiving an error message. So it’s in photo format.

I wish I could make this bigger I would love to see it!

[Blackcat31]

I wish I could make this bigger I would love to see it!

I added a link to KidGrind's post that has a larger version.

I think you can download from the link as well.

[KidGrind]

BlackCat is my hero of the day.

[HipUsername]

Oh thank you so much everyone. These are all really great and very specific answers. Yes I really am an idiot for not looking more into licensing, in Louisiana I think it's legal to watch up to 8 kids over 18 months, under 18 months it's 6. I think that is unlicensed. But I should know not think.
Thank you for the examples, I need this. Now if you could all send an attached vertebrae I can put together a backbone to do this.

I will research and respond more later in the day, again thank you for all the responses. If anyone has anything else I'd love to hear it as well

[Thriftylady]

Oh thank you so much everyone. These are all really great and very specific answers. Yes I really am an idiot for not looking more into licensing, in Louisiana I think it's legal to watch up to 8 kids over 18 months, under 18 months it's 6. I think that is unlicensed. But I should know not think.
Thank you for the examples, I need this. Now if you could all send an attached vertebrae I can put together a backbone to do this.

I will research and respond more later in the day, again thank you for all the responses. If anyone has anything else I'd love to hear it as well

According to this you can only have 6 and not be licensed. It is common in states that allow unlicensed daycare that you can have less children.

https://www.daycare.com/louisiana/

[mommyneedsadayoff]

Agh! Run and run fast!

I am not super confrontational either, so I would probably use email or text and let them know "Due to changes in my schedule, I will no longer be able to provide care. Sorry for the inconvenienece and best of luck in your child care search."

If they have stuff at your house you can offer to mail it or have them pick it up when you know you won't be home and just have it ready to go on your door step or something. Hopefully, you won;t have to see them and you can move on and get some sleep! :hug:

[NillaWafers]

I agree with the previous poster. And I will add:

1. Stop caring for this child. It will not improve. Ever.
2. In your shoes, I would probably report to child protective services for child neglect. No baths? No nail cutting? Allowing bug bites to get so bad that he gets impetigo? All red flags to report.
3. Block the dad of Instagram and then make your Instagram a private account.
https://www.facebook.com/help/instag...6700567389543/ (Instructions). If you end care, block both parents (especially dad) numbers from calling your cell.
4. Look at licensing laws in your state and see how many kids you can care for. In my state, it's 1. The fines for going over 1 are $200 a day. You need to know the law. If any parent gets mad they can report you.

** Or maybe someone on here is from LA, and would know? I just looked to see if I could find a quick answer and the licensing laws are complicated! It looks like your state transferred family childcare administration to the department of education. Ugh! That sounds like something California would do. (Though I hope we don't)

I replied but I realized you meant LA state, not LA city hahaha!

[Nisaryn]

I agree with the previous poster. And I will add:

1. Stop caring for this child. It will not improve. Ever.
2. In your shoes, I would probably report to child protective services for child neglect. No baths? No nail cutting? Allowing bug bites to get so bad that he gets impetigo? All red flags to report.
3. Block the dad of Instagram and then make your Instagram a private account.
https://www.facebook.com/help/instag...6700567389543/ (Instructions). If you end care, block both parents (especially dad) numbers from calling your cell.
4. Look at licensing laws in your state and see how many kids you can care for. In my state, it's 1. The fines for going over 1 are $200 a day. You need to know the law. If any parent gets mad they can report you.

** Or maybe someone on here is from LA, and would know? I just looked to see if I could find a quick answer and the licensing laws are complicated! It looks like your state transferred family childcare administration to the department of education. Ugh! That sounds like something California would do. (Though I hope we don't)

ALL of this and everything else everyone has said. Just because your not licensed doesn't mean you shouldn't have rules or a contract. Also, if you do continue to take care of this child...write every injury to himself he gets...some parents can get really angry about their children and they might try to turn around and say that it's YOUR fault he is being hurt, etc. Which could cause all kinds of long drawn out issues with your being unlicensed since your not really sure, it seems, of how you can operate as an unlicensed provider. You might already be breaking some rules without knowing that they could bring you up on later. Hopefully they will simply accept your decision and go away though.

Some people look specifically for unlicensed providers because they think that they will "get their way" more if you have no apparent legal backing. He may very well had already been in care before and had these problems and was asked to leave!