Difficult Child and Parent

[Ariana]

Does anyone else get a "red flag" feeling that this kid is severely neglected at home? Maybe a call to Childrens Services is in order as well.

This behavior reminds me eerily of a boy we had at a centre that was being neglected by his crack addicted mother. I am thinking a mental illness situation might be at play here.

[nannyde]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00N6H3LLE?ie=UTF8&redirectFromSS=1&pc_redir=T1&noEncodingTag=1&fp=1

Holy Smokes. Term and buy this book!

[Thriftylady]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00N6H...dingTag=1&fp=1


Holy Smokes. Term and buy this book!

Oh goodness yes, that book has changed my whole way of looking at things. It really helped my backbone I feel like a meany sometimes, but with some people you just have to be.

[HipUsername]

I just downloaded BlackCat's Probation notice, it's so... exactly what I need. But I sort of feel like I don't deserve to hand that to someone, maybe that doesn't make sense. I'm just not authoritative in any way and I can only imagine myself handing this to someone to sign in a parallel universe. I will have to gain some confidence by starting off on the right foot with contracts and rulebooks like everyone has mentioned. You're all so organized and efficient, I'm very impressed and have a lot to learn!

I think at this point the tone has been set with this family, and I'd be better off saying that it's not working out. This morning she showed up early and knocked, I didn't hear it but I heard 4 y/o yell "someone's here!" (he's the watchdog ) So I came out and before I could unlock the door she started pounding on it, then looked into the window and I could see she looked angry. I opened the door, she started pushing her way in and said very rudely "he has to pee!" I have no idea why she was angry with me that he had to pee, but she lives maybe 5-6 blocks away from me, so that means she didn't make him go before they left, and she had him in thick denim jeans and regular underwear after I told her he and I can't get them off fast enough and he needs either training underwear or diapers. Then he didn't pee. Then she sat in my house for 15 minutes. She also announced that she cut his nails, like she had done me a huge favor by cutting her child's nails, I just said thank you.

They're paid out until next Friday, I think I'll wait until this Friday to talk to her when she picks him up? And tell her that the unpredictable schedule and late nights are affecting my kid's schedule, which is true, and if she probes anymore I can tell her as politely as possible that his behavior is costing me money and negatively affecting the kids and me. I feel like because I never laid any ground rules in the first place, and they're difficult anyway, that it would be wasted effort on my part. Does that sound reasonable?

About them possibly blaming me for things, I think there's a chance they'll do that. She initially asked me about his impetigo in an accusatory way, even though I told her he had a gaping, weeping gash on his back at the beginning of the week that he showed up with. I usually treat his wounds with neosporin and bandaids, then he comes back the next day with no bandaids and wounds. He's never gotten injured at my house but he is pretty clumsy, I think they just let him run around barefoot and they don't watch him outside so he gets scraped up a lot.

As far as calling CPS, she told me she had CPS called on her by her husband's ex-wife. She tells me way too much. But they were inspected and he's still with them. They do dumb things, but I don't think it's outright abuse or neglect. The dad was spanking him for having accidents, I don't agree with spanking but I keep my opinion to myself about it, but I did point out that he gets incredibly distraught over pooping his pants now, seems to be scared and upset over it, and doesn't even want to poop in the potty anymore. I feel bad for him, but I think it takes a lot to get a kid taken from you, they mainly worry about severe physical abuse and drugs.

This is a side question, but I mentioned this kid potty training, it has been really hard because he's still pooping in his pants and I'm having to clean it up. I don't want to make him regress, but I also don't want poop all over my stuff and I don't think I should have to clean his poopy clothes every day, I don't have time to do it. What are some policies you guys have with potty training?

[HipUsername]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00N6H...dingTag=1&fp=1


Holy Smokes. Term and buy this book!

Lol, the title of that book is savage. But true

[Thriftylady]

I wouldn't care when they were paid up to. I would hand her the probation notice or a termination notice today at pick up. If you want you can make the term. notice end when she is paid up. Since you have no contract with her you can term at will.

I am going to tell you what I needed to hear and have heard it here and likely need to hear it more. If it comes of harsh I don't mean it to, but I have to just be blunt.... You are going to HAVE to backbone up. If you don't, you will get rid of this parent and just grab another one like them. Do your contract and handbook and cover the things this family does that really irk you in it. Set hours or contracted hours for each family. And in the interview process, remember you are also interviewing them. Trust me I know how hard this is, but you will not be doing this very long otherwise.

[HipUsername]

I wouldn't care when they were paid up to. I would hand her the probation notice or a termination notice today at pick up. If you want you can make the term. notice end when she is paid up. Since you have no contract with her you can term at will.

I am going to tell you what I needed to hear and have heard it here and likely need to hear it more. If it comes of harsh I don't mean it to, but I have to just be blunt.... You are going to HAVE to backbone up. If you don't, you will get rid of this parent and just grab another one like them. Do your contract and handbook and cover the things this family does that really irk you in it. Set hours or contracted hours for each family. And in the interview process, remember you are also interviewing them. Trust me I know how hard this is, but you will not be doing this very long otherwise.

I know this is true, just watching this kid and dealing with his parents has made me question whether I want to really do this, and whether I'm qualified to because I'm really losing my patience and I'm so unhappy. My husband has been out of town since Friday, we're separated but we're on good terms and he comes over a few times a week after work and plays with the kids. He'll be back late tonight, I was thinking I'd feel a little more comfortable if he was in the house within earshot like someone else mentioned. 2 y/o gets picked up early on Thursdays before husband can get off work so I thought Friday would be best. Haha, maybe he could be there just to make sure I bring it up.

[Thriftylady]

I know this is true, just watching this kid and dealing with his parents has made me question whether I want to really do this, and whether I'm qualified to because I'm really losing my patience and I'm so unhappy. My husband has been out of town since Friday, we're separated but we're on good terms and he comes over a few times a week after work and plays with the kids. He'll be back late tonight, I was thinking I'd feel a little more comfortable if he was in the house within earshot like someone else mentioned. 2 y/o gets picked up early on Thursdays before husband can get off work so I thought Friday would be best. Haha, maybe he could be there just to make sure I bring it up.

I don't think it has anything to do with you being qualified. Sadly, there is a huge gap between the caring end of the business and the business end of the business. Many of us find that what makes us great at the caring end, makes the business end harder. We are loving, nurturing people. Blackcat told me not long ago something to the effect that I needed to not always think emotionally. I can't remember her exact words or the exact thread but she was right. For many of us, the emotional part comes easy, to easy really when we need to not be emotional over the business end. I hope that is at least as clear as mud .

[Blackcat31]

I don't think it has anything to do with you being qualified. Sadly, there is a huge gap between the caring end of the business and the business end of the business. Many of us find that what makes us great at the caring end, makes the business end harder. We are loving, nurturing people. Blackcat told me not long ago something to the effect that I needed to not always think emotionally. I can't remember her exact words or the exact thread but she was right. For many of us, the emotional part comes easy, to easy really when we need to not be emotional over the business end. I hope that is at least as clear as mud .

(Bolded above) .....Which makes for a fantastic provider but a not so good business person always.

That particular trait is also the reason so many providers are taken advantage of.

Confrontation is also a word sorely misused in this field.

It is NOT confrontational to expect certain behaviors from those that enter your home. BOTH adults and children.

It is not confrontational to expect to be paid on time every time for the services you provide.

It is not confrontational to draw a line between what things are parent responsibilities and provider responsibilities and not allow those categories to blur/blend or cross.

[Josiegirl]

Honestly, when you terminate her, keep it short. The more information you give her the more wiggle room she'll take to try and squeeze herself back through your door. Be firm, smile and say 'I'm sorry but this arrangement is no longer working. Dcb's last day will be______.' Don't elaborate or explain or give excuses. If she keeps hounding you, stay firm, get firmer, and keep repeating what you just said.
If you need all of us here to be your backbone to help you do this then pretend we're all standing right behind you. Imagine if you have to come back here and tell us you changed your mind, gave more time, couldn't do it, etc., etc. We might have to hunt you down and greet dcm at the door ourselves.
You've got this, really you do!! The first time is always the hardest! But the relief you'll feel and the self-respect you'll have after it's said and done will be all so worth it!!!

[childcaremom]

Honestly, when you terminate her, keep it short. The more information you give her the more wiggle room she'll take to try and squeeze herself back through your door. Be firm, smile and say 'I'm sorry but this arrangement is no longer working. Dcb's last day will be______.' Don't elaborate or explain or give excuses. If she keeps hounding you, stay firm, get firmer, and keep repeating what you just said.
If you need all of us here to be your backbone to help you do this then pretend we're all standing right behind you. Imagine if you have to come back here and tell us you changed your mind, gave more time, couldn't do it, etc., etc. We might have to hunt you down and greet dcm at the door ourselves.
You've got this, really you do!! The first time is always the hardest! But the relief you'll feel and the self-respect you'll have after it's said and done will be all so worth it!!!

x 1000

You don't owe her a thing. Write a cheque to refund the unused fees if it makes you feel better.

Be done done done

[Nisaryn]

"They're paid out until next Friday, I think I'll wait until this Friday to talk to her when she picks him up? And tell her that the unpredictable schedule and late nights are affecting my kid's schedule, which is true, and if she probes anymore I can tell her as politely as possible that his behavior is costing me money and negatively affecting the kids and me. I feel like because I never laid any ground rules in the first place, and they're difficult anyway, that it would be wasted effort on my part. Does that sound reasonable?"

NO! This will give her grounds to get upset with you and to accuse you further. When you terminate someone you need to simply say, "I'm sorry but this is not working out. DCB is not adjusting well and I think he would do better somewhere else." Don't say anything else at all. If she asks for further reasons don't say anything, your not obliged to tell her anything else. If she wants her last week back...I'd just give it to her. Unfortunately since you don't have a contract to protect you (mine requires last two weeks up front with no refunds and I can term immediately with no refunds in cases like these) she could try to harass you over the money or even attempt small claims court if she is crazy enough.

[HipUsername]

ThriftyLady, the concept is clear as water but the execution is where it gets muddy. Someone has told me something similar to this recently, that I need to stop thinking emotionally, just decide what is best for my situation and then follow through with that reasoning in mind only. And my response was "HOW?" :confused: Maybe I just need to keep my own feelings in mind and remind myself how exhausted I am from this, and that it's the right thing to do. I'm always worried about doing the right thing.

Blackcat, I need to write what confrontation isn't down on the back of my hand before I talk to her. (Professionalism amiright?) On second thought I'll probably flop sweat it off, I'll just read it until I've memorized it.

And Josiegirl the thought of that makes me smile and scares me at the same time. lovethislovethislovethis So much pressure! I will definitely imagine this.

I do need to be done with this family. I just feel like I need to do it right so that I don't feel guilty after.

Considering her personality, I don't think she wants to hear reasons that would be insinuating her or her child have done anything wrong. But she'll definitely want a reason, so I'd feel guilty not giving her one. I also want to let her bring him to me until the end of when she's paid up, so she'd at least have a week's notice. I think just never coming here again without warning might be hard on the kid (he actually likes coming here). SO, with those things in mind, I thought I could talk to her this Friday and tell her that it's not working out because his inconsistent schedule is affecting the schedule I'm trying to keep, and the late evening pick-ups are affecting my kid's bedtime (both are true and doesn't directly involve her kid). If she does get pushy with whys and wants to change the schedule or something then I can delve more into his behavior. I can have his stuff ready and even have next week's pay on hand to refund her in case she's offended and never wants to come back.

I think if I do it this way (not with EVERY parent I have a problem with but this one because I never set boundaries or contracts or anything) then I will be able to walk away from this guilt-free, regardless of what her reaction is. I have to make sure I do it right otherwise it will seriously haunt me. Does this plan seem reasonable?

[HipUsername]

"They're paid out until next Friday, I think I'll wait until this Friday to talk to her when she picks him up? And tell her that the unpredictable schedule and late nights are affecting my kid's schedule, which is true, and if she probes anymore I can tell her as politely as possible that his behavior is costing me money and negatively affecting the kids and me. I feel like because I never laid any ground rules in the first place, and they're difficult anyway, that it would be wasted effort on my part. Does that sound reasonable?"

NO! This will give her grounds to get upset with you and to accuse you further. When you terminate someone you need to simply say, "I'm sorry but this is not working out. DCB is not adjusting well and I think he would do better somewhere else." Don't say anything else at all. If she asks for further reasons don't say anything, your not obliged to tell her anything else. If she wants her last week back...I'd just give it to her. Unfortunately since you don't have a contract to protect you (mine requires last two weeks up front with no refunds and I can term immediately with no refunds in cases like these) she could try to harass you over the money or even attempt small claims court if she is crazy enough.

Oh I just saw this... Eek. Well what about my last post would that be better?? Ah I can't imagine her not being even weirder without any reason, just saying it's a problem with the schedule I think will be safe. I hope?

I think I definitely should use the term "not adjusting" because it is pretty neutral. I honestly don't care if she's rude or accusatory at this point, because she's already being rude to me. I just don't want long term consequences like her trying to report me or her husband is a cop and has told me things that have brought me to the conclusion that he abuses his power with people he doesn't like, so I'm worried about that... I have to really wrestle with this for the next 40 something hours.

[KidGrind]

I would tell her on Friday, “I can’t take care of ________ anymore.”

DCM, “Why?”

"The late nights aren’t working for my family. Also _______ is constantly having potty accidents. I don’t want feces all over my home. Also, you rudely came early pushing your way through my door.

It’s not working out for me."



She will trying to guilt trip, get mad, yadda, yadda. You have to be strong for yourself, the other kids and your own children.