Help with child & DCD

[Baby Beluga]

I have a DCB who is 2 years 9 months. The past 3-4 months he has been terrible and very destructive. He has:

Made a hole in my stucco from slamming my security door into the wall. Contractors had put it up two days in prior and had not yet installed the wind chain (part wasn't in yet)

Broken countless toy cars. He is rough with them and all the wheels come off. He has since lost car privileges.

Ripped countless books. He can now only read board books.

He kicks my plants in the front yard and back. Just this morning as DCD was getting his sibling out of the car, DCB was standing in the front yard full on kicking my plants.

Will hit/kick the exterior walls during pick up.

Picks on other children. He will get in their face and when the child says "DCB please give me space" he will then get as close as physically possible to the children. When they get up and move he will then follow them.

Anytime I have brought this up with DCD (DCD is the one who picks up and drops off) he responds with "yeah...he's going through a rebellious stage right now..." and that is it.

What do I do? I don't want to term the family but I am at wits end with this particular child. He causes so much anxiety with the other kids that as soon a they hear this family pull into the drive way they start saying "I am going to tell DCB not to take my toys/break my building/etc"

[laundrymom]

"Dcd,
I'm so relieved you agree with me. What steps do you feel we should take to teach him it is unacceptable?
I have several suggestions. Are you available tonight after childcare hours for a conference or tomorrow evening? Because of the sensitive nature it will be a child free meeting. "
Then do the uncomfortable stare.
"A conference for a destructive phase?"
"Absolutely. This is unacceptable behavior and a plan needs to be put into place that teaches him his behavior is unacceptable. So will you be available today? Or tomorrow?"

It's an issue. Not a phase. It's a behavior he's learned is alright.
That thought process is entirely unacceptable.
Until dad has to deal with it, it's not a concern of his. After all.... His house wasn't broken. He isn't mediating between an aggressive child and the group.

[Thriftylady]

I agree if you don't want to term, ask for a child free conference with both parents this week. If they refuse to help out and work with you on it, you may have no other choice. At this point he is costing you money you are not making any. Keep in mind we have to make money not lose it, is keeping him worth you keeping him for free (because you are after you pay for damages).

[littletots]

Sounds like conference time. Many times dcp don't know or have the tools to correct behavior at home. Guide them to free or low cost resources. I'm sure they will thank you for caring.

[nannyde]

Rebellious phase?

No

This isn't rebellion. It is destruction.

It isn't rebellion. It's aggression.

It isn't a phase. None of the other kids that came before him or are here now did this at any age. For it to be a phase, it would have to be something normal or common in his age group or for children in general.

I haven't seen this in any of the other children in this environment. I haven't read or heard about this as normal acceptable, or understandable behavior in other children who grow out of it by natural aging.

It's aggression and violence and it has to stop today.

[Blackcat31]

I am so over conferencing with parents about their child's behavior.

Especially behavior that parents are FULLY aware of.

Also conferencing after hours...no way.
I am not giving up my personal family time for that.

What I would do if you aren't wanting to term for not being a good fit... is send him home after X amount of times in time out or having to be redirected.

Parents aren't going to change their parenting unless it's a bother/inconvenience to them so I allow them to have that inconvenience.

If the root of the child's behavior issues are stemmed from lack of parenting or ineffective parenting, then why should YOU (as the provider) have to fix it?

I let parents know that I am a "group" care provider and if at any time ONE child becomes unmanageable to the point that they are getting more attention and/supervision than the other kids in care, that I have no choice but to send the child home.

They simply cannot be at daycare if they cannot conform to the normal expectations. Even if its just a phase/stage.

:: "rebellion". .... in my eyes, that simply means....."Yeah, they are naughty and we know. We just haven't figured out an easy fix yet so we'll just call it a phase and pray it gets better quick"


I have found the easiest way for me to keep the peace and harmony in my care is to remove myself from the mix when it comes to this type of issue.

YOUR child = YOUR issue.

Does DCD even try or attempt to get dcb to not ruin your property or does he just look the other way and/or make excuses for him kicking your plants?

You can have rules and consequences but enforcing those rules and consequences become exhausting when the parent is reinforcing the behaviors at home by NOT doing anything to fix/change them.

[littletots]

I am so over conferencing.

I hear ya. 😅. As a military license & nafcc FCC I must document, conference, offer services, document some more.

[Baby Beluga]

Thank you all. You know how when you are so close to a situation that it seems normal until you really take a step back and evaluate? That was this situation.

I was stressed. I was sensing that my kids were stressed. When I really stepped back I found a big contributor to it.

I agree that this is not normal behavior. I have NEVER had a child be as destructive as him. Especially to personal belongings like a house. Toys and DC supplies are a little different because often times the children see those as "theirs." But when it comes to destruction of property that to me is whole 'nother ball game.

BC - when DCB does it DCD simply says "DCB, no stop doing that." And then threatens time out 20 times until he picks him up and takes him to the car. From what I see there is no follow through on DCD's part. He will even often tell me things like "Yeah...my wife get frustrated with the boys and I remind her that they are only 2.."

ETA: Today, maybe 15 minutes after the plant incident the children were at the table coloring. He tried sticking a crayon in another child's ear until I had him leave the table. Wth?

[Thriftylady]

I think you really need to term. It is a lot of reasons why. Would you want him to treat YOUR child the way he treats others? Likely the answer is no and other parents will feel the same way. Do you want other parents to pull due to this behavior? I think if you really look the answer is clear. No, you don't want to do it but you have to.

[spedmommy4]

I agree with one of the previous posters. It may be time to step back and evaluate whether or not you are actually making a profit. If dcb is that destructive, you may be taking a loss.

Further, when the behavior is that bad, the parents have to be 100% on board with you. If they aren't, you are just spinning your wheels. Like many of the PP said, parents don't change their behavior until it becomes necessary. (Eg: you make them pick up for behavior, dcb gets booted out of a bunch of childcares for behavior)

[Febby]

I am so over conferencing with parents about their child's behavior.

Especially behavior that parents are FULLY aware of.

Yup. And it seems like conferences usually don't solve anything since parents usually still don't actively work on correcting the behavior(s).

[daycare]

BC is right I have tried the conference route hoping to resolve behavior and it didn't work. she even said mark my words when I asked for help with the conference. Ok she didn't say exactly that but close to it. and then I had to eat my words..... she was right....



I would write a letter and inform them that you will NEED to do what is best for your program and that at any time DCBs behavior jeopardizes your ability to care for the rest of the kids you will need to call for pick up. Also inform them:

If you are not available to pick up, please make sure that you have arrange a back up person to pick up within 30 minutes and provide care for the rest of the day. Please note that there will be no refunds, credits or transfers.

dcp

[childcaremom]

BC is right I have tried the conference route hoping to resolve behavior and it didn't work. she even said mark my words when I asked for help with the conference. Ok she didn't say exactly that but close to it. and then I had to eat my words..... she was right....



I would write a letter and inform them that you will NEED to do what is best for your program and that at any time DCBs behavior jeopardizes your ability to care for the rest of the kids you will need to call for pick up. Also inform them:

If you are not available to pick up, please make sure that you have arrange a back up person to pick up within 30 minutes and provide care for the rest of the day. Please note that there will be no refunds, credits or transfers.

dcp

I've done this in the past. I placed the child on probation and had this behaviour plan in place. In my experience, it was a stepping stone to a term. It just delayed the inevitable.

However, absolutely necessary when the behaviour is to that point. Good luck! This may be the push they need to deal with the behaviour now before it gets any worse.

[Josiegirl]

"He's only 2". What? They didn't add 'boys will be boys'?
If you want to keep him and hope you can change his pattern, I would have a sit-down with the parents or at least tell them it's not a phase and needs to be addressed or else you will need to terminate the contract due to him not being a good fit. I think they have the right to know why if it's being glossed over. You might hit them like a ton of bricks if they truly think it's a phase. They need warning that you need it addressed NOW. Do they know the extent of his destructive ways? The stucco and everything?? That alone would have pi$$ed me off! Maybe you should write up a bill and present it to the dcps and tell them IF this phase doesn't end soon, they will be charged!!