Kindergartener with social anxiety?

[NoMoreJuice!]

I'm so sad and worried about one of my daycare kids. Dcg is 5, just started Kindergarten, and was with me for almost 2 years prior to that. She has always been a very exuberant child, swinging from super happy and cooperative to super grumpy and belligerent. I've always handled the belligerence by being very firm in my requests and clear on my expectations, then ignoring the bad behavior, but the parents have always been at a loss on how to deal with it, despite all my coaching.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning, mom brings the younger brother to me and starts crying when I ask how his sister's doing. Apparently she has been so rude and sassy in school, then came home on Friday and cried that she has no friends and everyone's mean to her, and a girl told her she has a big tummy. At cheerleader practice, she made the teacher call her mom and pick her up early because she didn't want to do it and her tummy hurt (an excuse she used to use LONG ago, but figured out it didn't work on me). At Girl Scouts, she sat and colored and refused to participate with the other girls during crafts, songs, or even snack.

I do worry that her parents place too much emphasis on "making friends." At my house she had two girls her age, and they were great friends, but never see each other now that they're all in separate schools. Every day they pick her up, they ask her who her friends are, if she made any new ones, etc. She now refuses to even have a play date with the ones she has established, and won't try to make new ones.

Her mom now believes she is developing some sort of social anxiety, but she's never displayed anything like this at my house. I told the mom to have a meeting with the teacher and the school counselor, then ask the counselor for resources, because I'm not sure where to direct her. Is there a book I can recommend? Any advice here? I love this girl so much, and I hate to think she's in turmoil. Her mom sure is.

[Blackcat31]

I'm so sad and worried about one of my daycare kids. Dcg is 5, just started Kindergarten, and was with me for almost 2 years prior to that. She has always been a very exuberant child, swinging from super happy and cooperative to super grumpy and belligerent. I've always handled the belligerence by being very firm in my requests and clear on my expectations, then ignoring the bad behavior, but the parents have always been at a loss on how to deal with it, despite all my coaching.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning, mom brings the younger brother to me and starts crying when I ask how his sister's doing. Apparently she has been so rude and sassy in school, then came home on Friday and cried that she has no friends and everyone's mean to her, and a girl told her she has a big tummy. At cheerleader practice, she made the teacher call her mom and pick her up early because she didn't want to do it and her tummy hurt (an excuse she used to use LONG ago, but figured out it didn't work on me). At Girl Scouts, she sat and colored and refused to participate with the other girls during crafts, songs, or even snack.

I do worry that her parents place too much emphasis on "making friends." At my house she had two girls her age, and they were great friends, but never see each other now that they're all in separate schools. Every day they pick her up, they ask her who her friends are, if she made any new ones, etc. She now refuses to even have a play date with the ones she has established, and won't try to make new ones.

Her mom now believes she is developing some sort of social anxiety, but she's never displayed anything like this at my house. I told the mom to have a meeting with the teacher and the school counselor, then ask the counselor for resources, because I'm not sure where to direct her. Is there a book I can recommend? Any advice here? I love this girl so much, and I hate to think she's in turmoil. Her mom sure is.

Since we KNOW that we cannot change others and can only change ourselves, have the parents devoted any time to teaching DCG how to be a good friend? IMHO, the kids that know how to be good friends make friends easily.

Those who were taught that they are the center of the world and that the world turns only according to what they want/think are the ones that usually end up with others being "mean" to them. Most the time a child that age's definition of "being mean" to them is "they wont do what I want them to do or play how/when I want them to".

I am betting that happened with this little one as just a few of the examples you gave tell me that she knows exactly how to manipulate those around her (the tummy ache, the "mean" comments etc).

Sometimes parents have to learn the hard way WITH their children so that they understand how PUBLIC works.

[Ariana]

The parent needs to learn about introversion. Introverted kids are mercilessly forced to make friends, be social and outgoing and it messes up their self esteem. We place really high value on extroverted qualities and some parents go overboard with it by doing what these parents are doing.

Introverts are not shy, they simply like quiet time and a few friends. They get overstimulated easily and hate being the center of attention. This might be where the stomach ache is coming from. Going to school is highly stimulating. My own child complains of pains in her stomach as well and it is from high anxiety due to high levels of noise and pure chaos. She gets this way when with my parents as well because it is non stop entertainment and my parents cannot read her cues. Does this sound like her?

[auntymimi]

Since we KNOW that we cannot change others and can only change ourselves, have the parents devoted any time to teaching DCG how to be a good friend? IMHO, the kids that know how to be good friends make friends easily.

Those who were taught that they are the center of the world and that the world turns only according to what they want/think are the ones that usually end up with others being "mean" to them. Most the time a child that age's definition of "being mean" to them is "they wont do what I want them to do or play how/when I want them to".

I am betting that happened with this little one as just a few of the examples you gave tell me that she knows exactly how to manipulate those around her (the tummy ache, the "mean" comments etc).

Sometimes parents have to learn the hard way WITH their children so that they understand how PUBLIC works.

That's so right on. You should write a book!

[Play Care]

Since we KNOW that we cannot change others and can only change ourselves, have the parents devoted any time to teaching DCG how to be a good friend? IMHO, the kids that know how to be good friends make friends easily.

Those who were taught that they are the center of the world and that the world turns only according to what they want/think are the ones that usually end up with others being "mean" to them. Most the time a child that age's definition of "being mean" to them is "they wont do what I want them to do or play how/when I want them to".

I am betting that happened with this little one as just a few of the examples you gave tell me that she knows exactly how to manipulate those around her (the tummy ache, the "mean" comments etc).

Sometimes parents have to learn the hard way WITH their children so that they understand how PUBLIC works.

I know I'll sound like a meanie here, but this is the natural consequence of allowing a child to run the show. I've had a few kiddos over the year that have been challenging for me, and the parents kind of poo-pahed me.
All the sudden they get to school and the problems "start" (though they've had them for years) Then suddenly the parents want to get serious

I think a meeting with the teacher would be good, but I wouldn't be surprised if mom doesn't get the news she wants...Frankly the only thing mom would get from me is an "I'm sorry to hear that. Today we did some letter painting. Have a good night."

[Unregistered]

I know I'll sound like a meanie here, but this is the natural consequence of allowing a child to run the show. I've had a few kiddos over the year that have been challenging for me, and the parents kind of poo-pahed me.
All the sudden they get to school and the problems "start" (though they've had them for years) Then suddenly the parents want to get serious

I think a meeting with the teacher would be good, but I wouldn't be surprised if mom doesn't get the news she wants...Frankly the only thing mom would get from me is an "I'm sorry to hear that. Today we did some letter painting. Have a good night."

Yes!
They should have listened to you and taught their child better. I'm going through the same thing with a dcg of mine. Fight the first day of kg.....

[Unregistered]

The parent needs to learn about introversion. Introverted kids are mercilessly forced to make friends, be social and outgoing and it messes up their self esteem. We place really high value on extroverted qualities and some parents go overboard with it by doing what these parents are doing.

Introverts are not shy, they simply like quiet time and a few friends. They get overstimulated easily and hate being the center of attention. This might be where the stomach ache is coming from. Going to school is highly stimulating. My own child complains of pains in her stomach as well and it is from high anxiety due to high levels of noise and pure chaos. She gets this way when with my parents as well because it is non stop entertainment and my parents cannot read her cues. Does this sound like her?

While I agree, since I'm an introvert, I don't think this is the case. She would have shown more signs prior to school.

[NoMoreJuice!]

Thanks everyone for your perspectives. BlackCat, I totally agree about teaching kids how to be a good friend, so we focused on that in preschool for an entire year, and the girls were all really wonderful! Sometimes their personalities clashed, but we were always able to get back on track. The trouble is, I think, that I was always constantly monitoring their play and interactions and intervening when I saw a potential problem. And all of this girl's issues are now at recess, when they are mostly unsupervised. Maybe I am to blame for always jumping in and correcting?

One big issue is that this girl LOVES hugs. She's definitely not an introvert, btw. She will run up to someone and give them a gigantic hug, lifting them off the ground if they're smaller. We have worked SO HARD on this, but my policy is that we always ask permission before we hug. "May I please hug you?" and if they say yes, hug. If not, we move on to another thing. Or sometimes high-five. Anyway, apparently she hugged one of her best friends at school super hard, lifting her off the ground, and the girl got so angry she won't speak to her or play with her anymore. :confused:

She does have a very dominant personality, and I wonder if she's just trying to control her parents as per usual, she's just found a new way to do it since she knows they're so adamant that she make friends.

Talk me through this, but I think I'd suggest they just back completely off of the friend thing and let it happen naturally. I think they're putting a lot of pressure on her to make friends. What do you all think?

[nothingwithoutjoy]

Yes, I think they should lay off of the friends thing. School just started, for goodness sakes. Sometimes it takes awhile to make a friend.

The other thing that stood out to me in your post was that she's just started kindergarten, and she's in Girl Scouts, and she's a cheerleader? (There are kindergarten cheerleaders?) That seems like an awful lot to me. Maybe she just needs some down time!

[Play Care]

Yes, I think they should lay off of the friends thing. School just started, for goodness sakes. Sometimes it takes awhile to make a friend.

The other thing that stood out to me in your post was that she's just started kindergarten, and she's in Girl Scouts, and she's a cheerleader? (There are kindergarten cheerleaders?) That seems like an awful lot to me. Maybe she just needs some down time!

Completely agree! When my daughter was in K we had signed her up for Saturday morning soccer. She said a couple of weeks in that she didn't want to do it. The poor kid was exhausted! Kindergarten is full day and they are BUSY. On Saturday she wanted to sleep in and play at home. But it make sense with these parents - in their mind this is another social activity that increases their child's chance of making friends...

At the same time, will the parents even bother listening to what the provider suggests? I'm kind of surprised that your parents ask for help, advice, etc. I find trying to offer any advice or suggestions is an exercise in futility.

[childcaremom]

Yes, I think they should lay off of the friends thing. School just started, for goodness sakes. Sometimes it takes awhile to make a friend.

The other thing that stood out to me in your post was that she's just started kindergarten, and she's in Girl Scouts, and she's a cheerleader? (There are kindergarten cheerleaders?) That seems like an awful lot to me. Maybe she just needs some down time!

With my kids, it was about a month or two into the school year before they really started to ask about going to so and so's house, or having someone over to play. Our school's weren't ever in our neighbourhood, either, so mine used to just go out and play with the neighbourhood kids. They were there and convenient. Much easier than calling friends and arranging through parents for playdates.