Almost 5 Year Old Tantrum Daily

[mamamanda]

The only trigger I have found is just simply she doesn't get to do or have what she wants and to me that means spoiled rotten. I thought about a calm down spot but when she gets in those moments she would throw the books and anything near her. Anything to get someone upset. I have tried to talk and calm her during these moments but it's like she is so far past upset she doesn't hear me. I will try finding a spot for her though and maybe just have a couple stuffed animals. Thank you.

Its ok I she throws things the first few times. Stay calm & don't engage. When she is calm again she gets to clean it all back up & she doesn't move on until she does. We went through that too. I actually use a pack n play for Ds. It contains the books/stuffed animals & he knows exactly where to put it all should he throw it out. She will have to learn the rules, but as I said we went from 4-6 big tantrums a day (sometimes more) to him taking himself there when he feels upset BEFORE the tantrum. It just takes consistency & you have to stay calm. I found very quickly that if I became upset he just got worse. She will feed off of your calm. You can do this One fit at a time.

[Heidi]

First...with the tantrums, she is getting a pay off. You are holding her, talking to her, etc.

Find her a spot to tantrum where she can't hurt anything or anyone. Then, walk away. If she comes out, put her back, walk away. It may take 100 times the first time, but DONT TALK. No matter what she does, don't talk to her or give her any attention for it. THAT is going to be hard! Personally, I would clear everything but a mattress and bedding out of her room and put her there, but that may not be feasible.

The holding, talking to her, etc is feeding her. Learn to ignore!


Now..a trap I noticed with a 5 year old that I used to have here. He would tantrum, and his parents didn't give in. But, AFTER the tantrum, he would become sweet, and then they would say something like "oh, since you are asking nicely...." It completely reinforced the tantrums.

If she had refused to walk, because she's 5 and she's my own child, I would honestly have just kept walking. I would stay in ear shot (hey...she's screaming, it's not hard), and just ignored her. I'd plan for that next time, so bring a snack along and sit down with the kids and have a snack and story along the way while you wait for her to catch up. Obviously, you're not going to leave her miles behind...just enough to make her WANT to come. Of course, I don't know your particular neighborhood and what hazards there are, but at 5, my kids walked to school, so for me, I'd consider it safe to walk away.

I think you're a wonderful parent in that you recognize the issue and are willing to find solutions. I will warn you, though, that you need to handle it now. In a few years, she will only be stronger and smarter, and it won't get better on it's own.

[mamamanda]

First...with the tantrums, she is getting a pay off. You are holding her, talking to her, etc.

Find her a spot to tantrum where she can't hurt anything or anyone. Then, walk away. If she comes out, put her back, walk away. It may take 100 times the first time, but DONT TALK. No matter what she does, don't talk to her or give her any attention for it. THAT is going to be hard! Personally, I would clear everything but a mattress and bedding out of her room and put her there, but that may not be feasible.

The holding, talking to her, etc is feeding her. Learn to ignore!


Now..a trap I noticed with a 5 year old that I used to have here. He would tantrum, and his parents didn't give in. But, AFTER the tantrum, he would become sweet, and then they would say something like "oh, since you are asking nicely...." It completely reinforced the tantrums.

If she had refused to walk, because she's 5 and she's my own child, I would honestly have just kept walking. I would stay in ear shot (hey...she's screaming, it's not hard), and just ignored her. I'd plan for that next time, so bring a snack along and sit down with the kids and have a snack and story along the way while you wait for her to catch up. Obviously, you're not going to leave her miles behind...just enough to make her WANT to come. Of course, I don't know your particular neighborhood and what hazards there are, but at 5, my kids walked to school, so for me, I'd consider it safe to walk away.

I think you're a wonderful parent in that you recognize the issue and are willing to find solutions. I will warn you, though, that you need to handle it now. In a few years, she will only be stronger and smarter, and it won't get better on it's own.

[Play Care]

First...with the tantrums, she is getting a pay off. You are holding her, talking to her, etc.

Find her a spot to tantrum where she can't hurt anything or anyone. Then, walk away. If she comes out, put her back, walk away. It may take 100 times the first time, but DONT TALK. No matter what she does, don't talk to her or give her any attention for it. THAT is going to be hard! Personally, I would clear everything but a mattress and bedding out of her room and put her there, but that may not be feasible.

The holding, talking to her, etc is feeding her. Learn to ignore!


Now..a trap I noticed with a 5 year old that I used to have here. He would tantrum, and his parents didn't give in. But, AFTER the tantrum, he would become sweet, and then they would say something like "oh, since you are asking nicely...." It completely reinforced the tantrums.

If she had refused to walk, because she's 5 and she's my own child, I would honestly have just kept walking. I would stay in ear shot (hey...she's screaming, it's not hard), and just ignored her. I'd plan for that next time, so bring a snack along and sit down with the kids and have a snack and story along the way while you wait for her to catch up. Obviously, you're not going to leave her miles behind...just enough to make her WANT to come. Of course, I don't know your particular neighborhood and what hazards there are, but at 5, my kids walked to school, so for me, I'd consider it safe to walk away.

I think you're a wonderful parent in that you recognize the issue and are willing to find solutions. I will warn you, though, that you need to handle it now. In a few years, she will only be stronger and smarter, and it won't get better on it's own.

This is what I meant to say except I was crabby with the heat ::

[Bookworm]

Google Dr. John Rosemond. He's a child psychologist and has some amazing ideas on stopping tantrums.

[Blackcat31]

Google Dr. John Rosemond. He's a child psychologist and has some amazing ideas on stopping tantrums.

Wish he was required reading for all my potential clients!

[Peaches]

Oh my God this is my 4 year old son to a T. I know your frustration. I have a hard time remaining calm with him ( not a problem I have with the other kids) and I know that is something I need to work on.

[Unregistered]

Find whatever she loves and take it away until she can behave. She's 5 for goodness sake.

[e.j.]

She hasn't had any evaluations. My son is mildly autistic but she shows no signs of anything abnormal. She is my stubborn child.i have to hold her because during daycare she isn't allowed upstairs so I have to hold her to keep her from hurting others. I have been a bad parent to in that giving her what she wants is easier than saying no so I have been feeding it all along. I am really struggling. I am ashamed to admit it but we have spanked her...after daycare hours of course but she has been spanked before and she will just laugh at you. When she has these Outburst I do become very upset and so I'm not calm and I think she feeds on that too. I feel like I have really messed up with discipline her and my husband and I have no idea how to fix it.

It may be that you could do some things differently to help your dd behave better like not giving in to her just because it's easier but I wouldn't dismiss the possibility that she could benefit from an evaluation. You say she "shows no signs of anything abnormal" but some of the behaviors you've described seem off to me for a girl her age. Since her brother has a diagnosis of Autism, she is at higher risk for having it, too. Girls can present differently than boys.
If you haven't talked with her pediatrician about it, I'd start there and if nothing else, have her evaluated just to rule Autism out.

[AngiesCareXYZ]

I did not have the time to read all of the posts. So I am not sure if my imput has been ...imputed yet. In all my years of experience with children and mentally ill young adults; I have had the most luck with the below actions.

Children have fairly short attention spans for things that they are not "into". I have the memory of a non elephant person.... Or I can't remember crap....ever. So I create reminders for myself. Like, making a pen dot on the back of my hand to remind myself that dck needs to be praised constantly.
Step 1. Everytime I look at my hand I see this reminder and I immediately study the dck to see if I can praise for something. It can be something completely insignificant and way above that childs skill level. (But you just want to praise at this point) Warning: All dck will want praising too.
Step 2. At the end of the day. Ask your daughter if she liked all of the praising? If she says yes, ask her why? Did it make her feel good? Did it make her feel special? Did it make her feel powerful in the daycare? By asking these question, you are getting her involved and owning her behaviors without her actually realising it. After you ask her these questions, ask her if she would like you to continue doing this? If she says yes, Ask her what she needs to do to get the praises. Have her list some things that she can do in the daycare that will allow for praise. If she says no, then say okay. Smile at her lovingly and stop the conversation. You are respecting her wishes at this point. (Most children will come to you and ask for that same praise again). When they do, go to step 3.
Step 3. Set expectations. Mine are Friendly, Safe and respectful. **If you think about it, these 3 areas fit into every situation.** Go over the expectations with her. Do some charades with her to show what each expectation looks like. (This is what we did in the daycare with all of the children). The next day, Introduce your expectations to the dck's. Post it on the wall so that all can see. Play charades with all of them. Tell the children that you need there help to make sure that everyone is RESPECTING the expectation wall. Send an email to all parents to let them know about the new expectation wall. Now, praise constantly and remind of the expectations wall when needed. The consequences for repeat offenders of the expectation wall is being sent to the quiet area with NO attention. This applies to all children. Let them scream kick what ever. Don't single her behavior out from the other children.
I spank my own children when they need a spanking. I hug them when they need a hug. I yell at them when they need to be yelled at. I am not a bad parent because I yell or spank. I love my children more than the air I breath. That is why I do whatever I feel is needed at that particular moment. I give myself a quiet time if I need it too. My headphone and pandora are my quiet time. Being a parent is a tough job. A child that does not respect their parents will most likely not respect anyone. You are a bad parent if you do nothing. You are doing something. :hug:

[spedmommy4]

First...with the tantrums, she is getting a pay off. You are holding her, talking to her, etc.

Find her a spot to tantrum where she can't hurt anything or anyone. Then, walk away. If she comes out, put her back, walk away. It may take 100 times the first time, but DONT TALK. No matter what she does, don't talk to her or give her any attention for it. THAT is going to be hard! Personally, I would clear everything but a mattress and bedding out of her room and put her there, but that may not be feasible.

The holding, talking to her, etc is feeding her. Learn to ignore!


Now..a trap I noticed with a 5 year old that I used to have here. He would tantrum, and his parents didn't give in. But, AFTER the tantrum, he would become sweet, and then they would say something like "oh, since you are asking nicely...." It completely reinforced the tantrums.

If she had refused to walk, because she's 5 and she's my own child, I would honestly have just kept walking. I would stay in ear shot (hey...she's screaming, it's not hard), and just ignored her. I'd plan for that next time, so bring a snack along and sit down with the kids and have a snack and story along the way while you wait for her to catch up. Obviously, you're not going to leave her miles behind...just enough to make her WANT to come. Of course, I don't know your particular neighborhood and what hazards there are, but at 5, my kids walked to school, so for me, I'd consider it safe to walk away.

I think you're a wonderful parent in that you recognize the issue and are willing to find solutions. I will warn you, though, that you need to handle it now. In a few years, she will only be stronger and smarter, and it won't get better on it's own.

. This is some great advice. Before I left the school district, part of my job was to coach parents in how to handle really challenging behavior. This is the advice I would have given.


Your little miss is getting a lot of attention every time you engage her over the behavior so it all needs to stop, cold turkey. She's 5, so tell her your plan in advance.

These are the rules.
If you break them, this will happen.
If you get angry, you can't yell or hit but you can do x,y, z. (Better if she picks)
I will not talk to you when your angry.
You can completely ignore her as long as she is not physically hurting anyone or anything significant.
You actively ignore for attempts to hit. (Move her but no talking and no eye contact)

I will add that the behavior often gets worse before it gets better. It takes a little bit of time to create new habits.

[Unregistered]

I know most of you won't agree but her bottom needs the leather belt to it every time she has a tantrum followed by the rest of the day in her room alone. She needs to learn that tantrum will get her something unpleasant not holding time and attention.

[spedmommy4]

I know most of you won't agree but her bottom needs the leather belt to it every time she has a tantrum followed by the rest of the day in her room alone. She needs to learn that tantrum will get her something unpleasant not holding time and attention.

In most states, what you just suggested would get this woman's child taken from her and her professional childcare license revoked. While spanking is still legal in most states, using any object to spank is not. Further, the word discipline means teach. There have been countless studies that show that physical discipline is ineffective at best, and has serious long term negative effects at worst.

And yes, I did get "old school spankings." I distinctly remember that it did not curb my behavior but I did get really good and not getting caught.

[Heidi]

In most states, what you just suggested would get this woman's child taken from her and her professional childcare license revoked. While spanking is still legal in most states, using any object to spank is not. Further, the word discipline means teach. There have been countless studies that show that physical discipline is ineffective at best, and has serious long term negative effects at worst.

And yes, I did get "old school spankings." I distinctly remember that it did not curb my behavior but I did get really good and not getting caught.

I've "spanked" each of my children (4-all grown) a handful of times. I mean, in the first 10 years of their lives, they "got it" (with my hand, not an object) less than 5 times. Usually, it was a single swat when the line what just plain crossed. Honestly, I could probably have punctuated my point another way, but sometimes you don't have time to plan.

I've noticed over the years that people who spank regularly net children that are very good at avoiding it..not getting caught. No child really every logic's out "well, if I do this, I'll get a spanking, so I shouldn't do it".