Disappointing a DCM

[NoMoreJuice!]

I have three wonderful five year old girls that have been with me together for three years now. They're all about to head off to separate Kindergartens this August. They're all so very different, personality-wise, one is a whiner, one is a sobber, and one is...a leader. I shall now call them Whiney, Tearful, and Bossy.

The past few weeks, Bossy has really been getting into conflicts with the other two. Tearful sometimes challenges her so called authority, and always ends up sobbing. Bossy doesn't seem to understand that these two are her friends, not her minions.

This morning, after a spat this morning that ended with Tearful sobbing because Bossy had thrown a toy at her face, I warned all three that I would be removing pool time privileges if another incident occurred. Fast forward to an hour later, Tearful was sobbing again because Bossy had called her an idiot.

I sent Bossy's mom a text to let her know what happened and that Bossy would be staying home with me instead of going to the pool with the other school age kids. Mom called, very upset, and wants to know if Bossy was provoked. Not the issue mom, I replied.

She's now sending me texts asking if her daughter is the only one being punished and saying she finds it hard to believe that little Bossy is being mean without good cause.

What would you say to this mom? She's not in denial, I think she just wants to believe her kid isn't the only naughty one of the group.

[Thriftylady]

Hopefully you want my honest opinion, because you may not like it.

Tell Bossy's mom that if she doesn't like your judgement she is free to give her two week notice and find other care.

The reason you may not like it is you don't want to take the chance at an empty spot. I did this recently with a mom who had been with me a week. She came to give me payment for the second week and her deposit. She started in with "I don't want her having goldfish", "well why won't you give her kool aid?". I put my hand out with all the money she had just handed me and said "If you don't trust me or my policies take this back and find other care".

She didn't take it back. She did eventually find other care, because she found a SAHM doing daycare full time for $30 a week, and I wasn't willing to match that. But sometimes, just the fact they know that you won't cower to them as parents and you will stand your ground gains you some respect.

[Blackcat31]

I have three wonderful five year old girls that have been with me together for three years now. They're all about to head off to separate Kindergartens this August. They're all so very different, personality-wise, one is a whiner, one is a sobber, and one is...a leader. I shall now call them Whiney, Tearful, and Bossy.

The past few weeks, Bossy has really been getting into conflicts with the other two. Tearful sometimes challenges her so called authority, and always ends up sobbing. Bossy doesn't seem to understand that these two are her friends, not her minions.

This morning, after a spat this morning that ended with Tearful sobbing because Bossy had thrown a toy at her face, I warned all three that I would be removing pool time privileges if another incident occurred. Fast forward to an hour later, Tearful was sobbing again because Bossy had called her an idiot.

I sent Bossy's mom a text to let her know what happened and that Bossy would be staying home with me instead of going to the pool with the other school age kids. Mom called, very upset, and wants to know if Bossy was provoked. Not the issue mom, I replied.

She's now sending me texts asking if her daughter is the only one being punished and saying she finds it hard to believe that little Bossy is being mean without good cause.

What would you say to this mom? She's not in denial, I think she just wants to believe her kid isn't the only naughty one of the group.

"Sorry, DCM but yes Bossy was the only one who called someone else a name. Name calling is simply NOT tolerated. She was warned of the consequence and still chose to call her friend a name."

If DCM wants to know about the other girls I would say "I am sorry but I will handle the other girls with their mothers/fathers. I cannot share that information with you as my only concern with you is your child."

I have been in this same situation...just recently as a matter of fact and I just cut off ALL conversation about the other kids. My DCM went home and asked her kid if others were punished in the same manner (found out they weren't) and again tried to initiate a conversation about the other kids and I just kept repeating over and over that I can only discuss HER child with HER and that anything regarding the other kids was off limits discussion wise.

She was mad but if the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be mad if I was open about the other kids' consequences...kwim?

Plus provoked or not, everyone is still responsible for their own actions. period.


I am not a big Dr Phil fan but I have a quote by him hanging by the entryway that says "If you are big enough to do it, be big enough to own it."

I follow that and expect daycare parents too as well.

[Controlled Chaos]

"Sorry, DCM but yes Bossy was the only one who called someone else a name. Name calling is simply NOT tolerated. She was warned of the consequence and still chose to call her friend a name."

If DCM wants to know about the other girls I would say "I am sorry but I will handle the other girls with their mothers/fathers. I cannot share that information with you as my only concern with you is your child."

I have been in this same situation...just recently as a matter of fact and I just cut off ALL conversation about the other kids. My DCM went home and asked her kid if others were punished in the same manner (found out they weren't) and again tried to initiate a conversation about the other kids and I just kept repeating over and over that I can only discuss HER child with HER and that anything regarding the other kids was off limits discussion wise.

She was mad but if the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be mad if I was open about the other kids' consequences...kwim?

Plus provoked or not, everyone is still responsible for their own actions. period.


I am not a big Dr Phil fan but I have a quote by him hanging by the entryway that says "If you are big enough to do it, be big enough to own it."

I follow that and expect daycare parents too as well.

This. It is not her business. Her child is her business and she needs to respect your judgement.

[Unregistered]

If I were bossy's mom I would pick her up and take her swimming myself. I don't agree with punishing one for something that involves more than 1 person.

[Thriftylady]

If I were bossy's mom I would pick her up and take her swimming myself. I don't agree with punishing one for something that involves more than 1 person.

That depends. If I KNOW who the problem party is, I will discipline one person. If I am pretty sure it was a group issue, then I will discipline the group. The warning was given, which is what needed to be done. Once you give the warning you HAVE to follow through or your words mean nothing.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

If I were bossy's mom I would pick her up and take her swimming myself. I don't agree with punishing one for something that involves more than 1 person.

Conflict generally always invovles more than one person. So if a kid hits another kid, you would punish both kids? Even the one who did nothing and got hit? Why would you reward a child by taking them swimming after they not only called someone an idiot, but also threw a toy at someone's head earlier? If you were the dcm and said you were gonna pick up and take her swimming, I would have your stuff packed up and you wouldn't be coming back.

[Nurse Jackie]

Conflict generally always invovles more than one person. So if a kid hits another kid, you would punish both kids? Even the one who did nothing and got hit? Why would you reward a child by taking them swimming after they not only called someone an idiot, but also threw a toy at someone's head earlier? If you were the dcm and said you were gonna pick up and take her swimming, I would have your stuff packed up and you wouldn't be coming back.

exactly, why should the other child be punished for being hit upside the head and then being called an Idiot.

[Blackcat31]

If I were bossy's mom I would pick her up and take her swimming myself. I don't agree with punishing one for something that involves more than 1 person.

Bossy was the only one who resorted to name calling.

Provoked or not, certain behaviors cross the line.

If I were the provider and Bossy's mom came to pick her up just to bring her swimming despite the situation, I'd terminate on the spot and know exactly where Bossy's entitled attitude and failure to assume responsibility came from.

[Thriftylady]

Bossy was the only one who resorted to name calling.

Provoked or not, certain behaviors cross the line.

If I were the provider and Bossy's mom came to pick her up just to bring her swimming despite the situation, I'd terminate on the spot and know exactly where Bossy's entitled attitude and failure to assume responsibility came from.

[AmyKidsCo]

I am not a big Dr Phil fan but I have a quote by him hanging by the entryway that says "If you are big enough to do it, be big enough to own it."

Slightly OT, but I'm the same - not a big Dr. Phil fan either but I've got 2 of his phrases burned in my brain: "You don't get a vote" - as in, you don't get to tell other people what to do, and "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

I need to hang your phrase in my 8 yr old's room!

[Controlled Chaos]

If I were bossy's mom I would pick her up and take her swimming myself. I don't agree with punishing one for something that involves more than 1 person.

I would never undermine an authority figure in front of my child EVEN if I disagreed (short of abuse obviously). If I disagreed strongly enough, I might shop for another provider but I wouldn't let me child know that was why. Working at a private middle school for 5 years, I saw so many parents "rescue" their kids, to their children's detriment. "You got a zero on a quiz for cheating? Oh, you poor thing! Let's buy you ice cream" This never benefited the child. If anything it embarrassed them. The parent is telling the child "I don't think you are capable/strong enough/smart enough etc. to handle a consequence on your own. Allow your child to learn from a consequence. It is GOOD for them. Sometimes missing swimming is an important character building lesson. It is a gift the provider is giving the child.

[Laurel]

Well I like Dr. Phil and my favorite saying is "How is that working for you?"

Laurel

[Blackcat31]

Slightly OT, but I'm the same - not a big Dr. Phil fan either but I've got 2 of his phrases burned in my brain: "You don't get a vote" - as in, you don't get to tell other people what to do, and "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

I need to hang your phrase in my 8 yr old's room!

Well I like Dr. Phil and my favorite saying is "How is that working for you?"
Laurel

OMG! I am apparently more of a fan than I realized!

lovethis lovethis all of those quotes....

...find myself saying "how's that working for you?" a lot! ::

[e.j.]

If I were bossy's mom I would pick her up and take her swimming myself. I don't agree with punishing one for something that involves more than 1 person.

I guess we would have to agree to disagree on how we'd handle this situation if Bossy were our child.

When I was growing up, my parents always warned me and my siblings, "If you get in trouble at school, you will be in twice as much trouble when you get home." If we had complained that another kid should have also been punished, their response would have been, "I don't care what *** did. She's not my child; you are!" I raised my kids with the same sentiments.

I would not only uphold the day care provider's discipline but I would have added my own once we got home. If my Bossy complained that Tearful wasn't being punished, I would have explained, "Sometimes life isn't fair. I don't know what Tearful's part in this was but I do know you threw a toy at her face and you called her a name that wasn't very nice. Let's focus on your behavior, not hers for right now."

No way would I reward poor behavior or try to usurp my day care provider's authority in this situation.