Disciplining a 20 Mos Old

[Nurse Jackie]

I have a 20 mos old that has a problem with hitting other kids, sharing, telling you no, and snatching away when your trying to hold his hand to keep him safe. When he hits I tell him "no hitting" and to "play nice." For some reason he seems to think that all the toys in my house are his, if he sees someone playing with a toy he snatches it and says "mine". At that point I take the toy from him and give it back to who ever had it and tell him he needs to share. If you tell him to do something or to stop he'll tell you "no" or "I don't want to". The other day we were walking out to the car and he snatches away from me and tries to run toward the street thank god I was able to grab his hand back and tell him "no don't do that". I do not want this behavior to continue and I want to make sure I'm on the right track to nipping this in the bud some insight would be nice.TIA

[ColorfulSunburst]

if he sees someone playing with a toy he snatches it and says "mine". At that point I take the toy from him and give it back to who ever had it and tell him he needs to share.

he doesn't NEED to share. No one really does NEED it. If he HAS some toys that can be shared he SHOULD do it. If it is a toy that only one person can play with, an other person has to wait his turn.
In the situation you describe above he has no right to snatch toys from others, he has to wait his turn to play with it. IN fact he followed your words. He thinks that the kid who had the toy NEED to share and he helped him to share.

[ColorfulSunburst]

If you tell him to do something or to stop he'll tell you "no" or "I don't want to".

at that situation I answer: I didn't ask what you want, I told you what you must do. I can stop any activities we have been doing before until a child does what I asked about. So after a couple of times all of them know that if the teacher asked about something it must be done. There is no other option.

[Nurse Jackie]

pp what is your opinion on the hitting?

[ColorfulSunburst]

pp what is your opinion on the hitting?

it depends on many things such as a personality of a child, a situation, age ...
I mean I say "no" for any kind of hitting but I say it in a different way depending on a situation.

[spedmommy4]

At 20.months, most discipline should be redirecting to an appropriate behavior OR modeling what the child can do in the situation.

Adults are the models for appropriate social behavior.
Example: The child is hitting is friends. Why? Does he want the toy? Model asking. If child says no, you say, we have to wait for the ball. Then direct the child to a toy they can play with while they wait.

Also, when a little one hits I say, that hurt Sarah (or whoever) Soft hands at school. Little ones are still learning social skills and they need us to be the models.

[Play Care]

At 20.months, most discipline should be redirecting to an appropriate behavior OR modeling what the child can do in the situation.

Adults are the models for appropriate social behavior.
Example: The child is hitting is friends. Why? Does he want the toy? Model asking. If child says no, you say, we have to wait for the ball. Then direct the child to a toy they can play with while they wait.

Also, when a little one hits I say, that hurt Sarah (or whoever) Soft hands at school. Little ones are still learning social skills and they need us to be the models.

This, but at that age my kids do not have "free range" of the play room. They are not old enough to handle it and that's when frustration mounts and hitting, biting and the like get started. So I am always with them and if I can't they are "put up" with another "job" while I change baby, make lunch, etc.
Being a little proactive here makes my day run so much more smoothly and makes their day a little more positive

[Josiegirl]

At 20.months, most discipline should be redirecting to an appropriate behavior OR modeling what the child can do in the situation.

THIS! I have a couple little hitters and it's been so difficult to break the cycle. I try my best to intercept so I can put a hand on the 'victim to be' and tell the hitter very gently 'be nice'. Most of the time, at least with my 2, it's a quest for attention from the other. Or you can try to teach the hitter to high five, fist bump, or say hi, instead. Give them other options.

[childcaremom]

he doesn't NEED to share. No one really does NEED it. If he HAS some toys that can be shared he SHOULD do it. If it is a toy that only one person can play with, an other person has to wait his turn.
In the situation you describe above he has no right to snatch toys from others, he has to wait his turn to play with it. IN fact he followed your words. He thinks that the kid who had the toy NEED to share and he helped him to share.

I stress the idea of taking turns here, as well.

We don't have to share. We take turns. So I would verbalize "You need to wait your turn. When Allie is finished playing with the car, then you may have a turn." When Allie was finished, I would ask her if she was done, and then say to the dcb, "Allie is finished, now you can have a turn."

Spedmommy's suggestions are great. LOTS of redirection and LOTS of modelling the behaviour I want to see.

As for taking off, I had a child like that and had to let him go. He was constantly running off, inside and out, and laughing like it was a game. I couldn't keep him safe and look after the rest of the group.

This age is a lot of work with this aspect however it will pay off as they get older

[kendallina]

I would also suggest that the child whose toy was taken away should be the one to say to the 20mon old, "I was using it, give it back" and hold their hand out asking for the toy back. Then the 20 mon old can see how his actions are affecting others and can make the choice himself to hand it back. It's going to take a lot of direction and 'spoon feeding' the words to teh kids to start this, but the whole group will be better off. And I find the kids listen more easily to another child than to an adult.

[Unregistered]

Generally at this age many can not share or do it easily. It is a perfectly normal developmental stage through the 2's. Google toddler property laws. It's a cute reminder of this stage. Some of the lines...if it looks like mine, it is mine! If I had it in my hand, it is mine! Etc.

Some children are just a bit more vocal about this and act on it more often. you said he seems to think all the toys are his?? That's right, he honestly does. The toddler/2's years are very self-centered. While it's frustrating, it's perfectly normal at this stage!

Yes, some young kids share...that's doesn't mean all two's can! This is a developmental stage! This is NORMAL! As frustrating as it is.

You should redirect him to an alternative activity. It's better to say what he CAN do, not what he CAN'T do. You can come over and play with this truck. Nathan has that one. I many times offer a choice to give him some power-would you like to play with this truck or this truck?

I sit down many times with a grabber and observe him playing, stay close to him and model behavior, shadow him a bit, engage in positive interaction with him, instead of running around putting fires out. They love the power of getting you riled up!

I always say to the child with the toy, When you are done can you give it to _________. I'm always amazed when so many times after a few minutes child A gives the toy in question to child B.

Granted it's a bit bit different when a very young child is running nilly willy grabbing every toy in sight. It helps to have duplicates (or duplicate-like) of favorite toys if possible.

That said, it can be frustrating, tiring, and difficult when the extreme of the "mine" stage shows up! Hang in there.

[Nurse Jackie]

Thank you guys for the suggestions. I've been taking your advice and its frustrating at times but I know it'll pay off.