My New DCG

[daycarediva]

PHEW! Is 3. FT. We are into week 2. Was going to start in Sept but family hit with late fees gave notice, paid for the space and left early.

She is generally a very sweet child, very well spoken and on track developmentally, a little delayed with self help skills if anything.

She does GREAT during group activities. Listens, follows directions, participates, eats and naps well and does fantastic outside (but mostly alone during outdoor free play)

Here are my three issues.

If I correct dcg AT ALL, even the most minor thing (Dcg, please play gently with the blocks.) she puts her head down and shuts down. Wont look up, acknowledge what I said, gets very stiff. I have been ignoring the behavior, enforcing the correction, but it's escalating so that's not working. She not only doesn't acknowledge that she's heard me, she doesn't listen, and I have had to pick her up and move her several times. Toy hoarding & toy taking, she throws herself on toys like she's saving us from a bomb. She can't play with them that way, but she won't move so anyone else can either. I do NOT have other toy stealers, so there is not a reason for her to be possessive, either. I have made SOME progress with modeling next to her- without referencing her name at all. Once she decides its not fun to lay on toys, she mostly plays alone.

She separated easily the first week, not so much this week. I mostly see Dcd, dcm works in the opposite direction and has only dropped off/picked up once when dcd was out of town. Dcd coddles her, she doesn't walk, put on her own slip on shoes. Dcm did not. VERY different parenting styles. Dcg gets this scared turtle thing going with dcd. She's fine with dcm. She cried yesterday at drop off. I'm SURE it's because she isn't getting her way here.

Kissing. She is SUPER affectionate and my other dck's aren't. We give knucks and high fives, sometimes hugs but we ask before hugging. She gets VERY offended and cries "he wont hug me!" and I have to stop the kissing ALL.DAY.LONG. If I correct, See above ^. Other dcg told her today "I don't know you, keep your wips to youself!' ::

ALL of my other waiting list families want to enroll in Sept, so I'm out the income unless I keep her. I'm considering extending her trial another two weeks to see if I can try a different tactic and make some progress.

[spedmommy4]

If I correct dcg AT ALL, even the most minor thing (Dcg, please play gently with the blocks.) she puts her head down and shuts down. Wont look up, acknowledge what I said, gets very stiff. I have been ignoring the behavior, enforcing the correction, but it's escalating so that's not working. She not only doesn't acknowledge that she's heard me, she doesn't listen, and I have had to pick her up and move her several times. Toy hoarding & toy taking, she throws herself on toys like she's saving us from a bomb. She can't play with them that way, but she won't move so anyone else can either. I do NOT have other toy stealers, so there is not a reason for her to be possessive, either. I have made SOME progress with modeling next to her- without referencing her name at all. Once she decides its not fun to lay on toys, she mostly plays alone.

It is EXTREMELY common to see an escalation in a behavior before it ultimately resolves.
Example-
Child cries for a candy at the store and mom always gives in.
One day, mom decides to follow through on no means no.
Child's cries increase because this always worked before.
With many repetitions, child learns that crying does NOT achieve desired outcome anymore (Candy) and stops crying. Effort is no longer "worth" it.

What you are doing is fine. Model sharing and positive peer interactions. Enforce correction and acknowledge her feelings. You are mad. At "insert daycare name" we pick up toys. (or whatever) We can talk when your calm/ready. Give NO attention to the behavior otherwise.

It may help to have a calm down spot or a quiet/solo space in your childcare. Somewhere she can go when she needs to be by herself and still be in your line of sight.

She separated easily the first week, not so much this week. I mostly see Dcd, dcm works in the opposite direction and has only dropped off/picked up once when dcd was out of town. Dcd coddles her, she doesn't walk, put on her own slip on shoes. Dcm did not. VERY different parenting styles. Dcg gets this scared turtle thing going with dcd. She's fine with dcm. She cried yesterday at drop off. I'm SURE it's because she isn't getting her way here.

I have one like this, except opposite parents. Totally fine with dad and complete meltdowns when mom drops off. I do not let mom stay. I tell her he will be fine in 5 minutes and I scoop him up and we wave by at the door. Then I tell him that I am going to play with friends and he can join me when he is ready. He always joins within 5 minutes.

Kissing. She is SUPER affectionate and my other dck's aren't. We give knucks and high fives, sometimes hugs but we ask before hugging. She gets VERY offended and cries "he wont hug me!" and I have to stop the kissing ALL.DAY.LONG. If I correct, See above ^. Other dcg told her today "I don't know you, keep your wips to youself!' ::

I think I would address this with the whole group first. In circle, large group you can have a quick simple discussion about how you show your friends you like them. You give a high 5, knuckle bomb, whatever, and practice in circle. Make a deal of it all day. Then if she goes in with the lips say, "remember dcg, at daycare we give high 5's" Then give her a high 5.

I would also mention it to parents and request that parents reinforce that kisses are only for mommies, daddies, and family.

HTH

[Blackcat31]

If I correct dcg AT ALL, even the most minor thing (Dcg, please play gently with the blocks.) she puts her head down and shuts down. Wont look up, acknowledge what I said, gets very stiff. I have been ignoring the behavior, enforcing the correction, but it's escalating so that's not working. She not only doesn't acknowledge that she's heard me, she doesn't listen, and I have had to pick her up and move her several times. Toy hoarding & toy taking, she throws herself on toys like she's saving us from a bomb. She can't play with them that way, but she won't move so anyone else can either. I do NOT have other toy stealers, so there is not a reason for her to be possessive, either. I have made SOME progress with modeling next to her- without referencing her name at all. Once she decides its not fun to lay on toys, she mostly plays alone.

It is EXTREMELY common to see an escalation in a behavior before it ultimately resolves.
Example-
Child cries for a candy at the store and mom always gives in.
One day, mom decides to follow through on no means no.
Child's cries increase because this always worked before.
With many repetitions, child learns that crying does NOT achieve desired outcome anymore (Candy) and stops crying. Effort is no longer "worth" it.

What you are doing is fine. Model sharing and positive peer interactions. Enforce correction and acknowledge her feelings. You are mad. At "insert daycare name" we pick up toys. (or whatever) We can talk when your calm/ready. Give NO attention to the behavior otherwise.

It may help to have a calm down spot or a quiet/solo space in your childcare. Somewhere she can go when she needs to be by herself and still be in your line of sight.

She separated easily the first week, not so much this week. I mostly see Dcd, dcm works in the opposite direction and has only dropped off/picked up once when dcd was out of town. Dcd coddles her, she doesn't walk, put on her own slip on shoes. Dcm did not. VERY different parenting styles. Dcg gets this scared turtle thing going with dcd. She's fine with dcm. She cried yesterday at drop off. I'm SURE it's because she isn't getting her way here.

I have one like this, except opposite parents. Totally fine with dad and complete meltdowns when mom drops off. I do not let mom stay. I tell her he will be fine in 5 minutes and I scoop him up and we wave by at the door. Then I tell him that I am going to play with friends and he can join me when he is ready. He always joins within 5 minutes.

Kissing. She is SUPER affectionate and my other dck's aren't. We give knucks and high fives, sometimes hugs but we ask before hugging. She gets VERY offended and cries "he wont hug me!" and I have to stop the kissing ALL.DAY.LONG. If I correct, See above ^. Other dcg told her today "I don't know you, keep your wips to youself!' ::

I think I would address this with the whole group first. In circle, large group you can have a quick simple discussion about how you show your friends you like them. You give a high 5, knuckle bomb, whatever, and practice in circle. Make a deal of it all day. Then if she goes in with the lips say, "remember dcg, at daycare we give high 5's" Then give her a high 5.

I would also mention it to parents and request that parents reinforce that kisses are only for mommies, daddies, and family.

HTH

This is excellent advice!

I think she has the potential to be a good fit but the ground work will need to be laid out first... I think it helps when parents are on the same page but sometimes no amount of talking will change a coddling parent....especially dads.

I think they are worse because of the guilt or because they spend less time with the child.... but in my experience, dads have been worse to change or educate about the impacts of their coddling.

I think she will learn but it will take a while... extending the trial period might be a good idea...give her some more time to adjust. I also think you are spot on as to why she is crying now at drop off/separation. Maybe you could start offering her a chance to participate in big kid activities if she separates like a big kid verses crying. Sometimes giving them something to work towards helps them want to work towards being independent.

It's been the easiest way for me to get the coddled kids in the door easily.... I leave what happens AFTER drop off up to them. Come in like a big kid = big kid/fun activities await. Come in crying ad having a fit = not-so-fun or little kid activities are the only options.

It's funny how when I leave the choice up to them and give it as little attention (no prodding or encouraging or disappointed looks in regards to their choice) as possible, most kids seem to figure it out rather quickly.

[daycarediva]

Thank you for the advice! I am sending an email to dcd and dcm this evening and laying it all out there and offering to extend the trial.

I do think she would be a good fit, and I expect some normal transition issues, but the level of overreacting to anything I say she perceives as negative is extreme, imho. Today with her Dad here, she was fine. I asked her to put her shoes away, she looked down, locked her arms at her sides and refused to budge. Then her Dad just did it for her, told her to 'stop being shy' and tickled her until she laughed, then left immediately. I will try the big kid activity thing!

I kept it up today, and it seemed to go better. She said 'ok' after I told her to stop pushing at the sand table and to wait her turn. PROGRESS!