Crying Corner

[Josiegirl]

I see where lots of you use this, I do too when appropriate. Not a corner so much but I'll put them in the living room if we're all trying to eat peacefully or play in the playroom and they just cannot calm down.

My question is this though....is it in any way against regulations? I'm just curious because our regs say we have to tend to crying children. I know we all take care of their needs and such first, especially depending on age and circumstances.

I'll separate them into another room and tell them when they've calmed down they can rejoin us. Crying can be very agitating to the whole group and throw everyone off.

[Indoorvoice]

If you have addressed the crying child and determined that they are not hurt or have a dirty diaper and that they are just crying because they are upset about a limit you set or that they don't want to be a part of the group for some reason, then you HAVE tended to them. A crying spot is a pretty reasonable consequence for not being able to calm down. It's different than just ignoring altogether and not determining their needs. That's how I interpret that regulation anyway.

[Unregistered]

I refrained from commenting at other times cause I don't want to ruffle feathers, but I have been working with children for 20 years and have never seen people send children away on their own to cry. Every time I see it mentioned on here, I think it is so bizarre and I wonder if the parents know! Okay. I said my piece. I'll never mention my aversion to the concept again! Its just that I have typed and erased my thoughts on it so many times. I have to get it out! I'm sorry. I'm sure it works, stops whining, shuts down the watch-me-cry show, etc. Idk. There's nothing I can say that will convince someone to agree with me and there's nothing they can say that would convince me... I guess its just a difference in philosophies.

[Indoorvoice]

I refrained from commenting at other times cause I don't want to ruffle feathers, but I have been working with children for 20 years and have never seen people send children away on their own to cry. Every time I see it mentioned on here, I think it is so bizarre and I wonder if the parents know! Okay. I said my piece. I'll never mention my aversion to the concept again! Its just that I have typed and erased my thoughts on it so many times. I have to get it out! I'm sorry. I'm sure it works, stops whining, shuts down the watch-me-cry show, etc. Idk. There's nothing I can say that will convince someone to agree with me and there's nothing they can say that would convince me... I guess its just a difference in philosophies.

I do see what you're saying, and I know you're not looking for anyone to change your mind, but I just wanted to offer my philosophy on it. I feel like kids have a right to express their feelings when upset. They do not have to be happy about limits we set and we shouldn't expect that. When he hush kids and use distractions when they are upset, we are telling them that their feelings aren't important and that crying is not ok. When we give them a spot to freely express their emotions away from the group, we are not only acknowledging their right to express their feelings, but also the group's right to have a calm environment. Of course, you should be talking to the child when they are calm enough to listen and letting them know that you understand why they were upset and offer choices. This doesn't have to be punitive and can be done in a respectful way.

[Josiegirl]

See, that's kinda how I feel too, unreg. I feel guilty just letting them cry, we're the caretakers and nurturers and are supposed to help them through it. BUT on the other hand, when they're having a tantrum, trying to help them gives them their desired audience plus more fuel and ammunition for manipulation. Plus it takes our time and attention away from the others. I definitely see both sides and have a hard time with either way, that's why I said I do use it depending on circumstances.

[nannyde]

I think it's just giving them privacy. All children need privacy when they are having a rough go of it. I like privacy when I'm upset. The only purpose of having an adult involved is to do SOMETHING that will distract or make the child not cry. I'm not a believer that crying is a bad thing. I celebrate crying if the child needs to express themselves. We have too many people in the world all bottled up and anxious because their expressions of their feelings are stifled.

I also think because this particular expression is loud it affects the adult and the other children. Giving them a private quiet area away from the others allows them to get their need for privacy met and the others need for peaceful airwaves met. Win win

We view crying for all ages as we do newborn crying. They aren't the same.

When you celebrate crying and acknowledge crying you would be surprised at how little you hear crying. Once the child passes the eighteenth month they rarely cry. After the 12th month it is really only at transitions or when they are tired.

When I first started caring for kids I never even heard this conversation. It was understood that kids cry. There wasn't the idea that we had to solve it unless the kid was sick, hungry, wet, dirty, or tired. Now we are supposed to become involved in and get it to stop for ANY crying reason. That begets a ton more crying.

[Josiegirl]

I agree with you Nannyde and that's probably why so many kids know how to manipulate their parents these days, because parents don't ever let their kids cry. Not all, but definitely some.
And I guess as long as we've done what we felt we needed to do in regards to filling their needs, as Indoorvoice said, then we shouldn't feel bad to let them cry.
But there's always that little smidgeon of guilt that creeps in on me. Like a dcp is gonna peek around the corner and yell "why aren't you stopping them from crying?"

[Unregistered]

Oh I completely agree with letting them cry and letting them feel and validating it. I don't suggest we try to stop the crying either with distraction or other tactics. I just think the sending away to cry is weird. Especially in a designated spot like they have to be isolated for crying. I let them cry as much as they want. I don't shush. I don't say 'you're okay' or 'its okay' I say 'you're sad because you don't get the truck.' And 'your're yelling because you're mad about the truck, huh?' Etc. And they often agree and stop crying! I find they want to be heard, validated, and understood. Not sent away to be sad or mad elsewhere until they can stop bothering others with their noisy feelings.

[nannyde]

Oh I completely agree with letting them cry and letting them feel and validating it. I don't suggest we try to stop the crying either with distraction or other tactics. I just think the sending away to cry is weird. Especially in a designated spot like they have to be isolated for crying. I let them cry as much as they want. I don't shush. I don't say 'you're okay' or 'its okay' I say 'you're sad because you don't get the truck.' And 'your're yelling because you're mad about the truck, huh?' Etc. And they often agree and stop crying! I find they want to be heard, validated, and understood. Not sent away to be sad or mad elsewhere until they can stop bothering others with their noisy feelings.

It really isn't fair to everyone else to have a person being so loud that it is hard to talk, think, listen, and feel at peace. You can validate their feelings without being in the same room with them the entire time they are expressing their feelings. It only takes a few seconds to say "you are crying. You seem sad. You want x and you can't have that".

Why go beyond acknowledgement when it upsets the others?

[Blackcat31]

Oh I completely agree with letting them cry and letting them feel and validating it. I don't suggest we try to stop the crying either with distraction or other tactics. I just think the sending away to cry is weird. Especially in a designated spot like they have to be isolated for crying. I let them cry as much as they want. I don't shush. I don't say 'you're okay' or 'its okay' I say 'you're sad because you don't get the truck.' And 'your're yelling because you're mad about the truck, huh?' Etc. And they often agree and stop crying! I find they want to be heard, validated, and understood. Not sent away to be sad or mad elsewhere until they can stop bothering others with their noisy feelings.

Let me ask you something...

If I am sitting next to you on a bus and I begin to pitch a loud public fit because I am upset about something, would you feel comfortable? (I'll lash out at you if you try to get involved)

Would you prefer I kept my anger/frustration to myself or done in private or are you just going to continue sitting on the bus seat riding along to your great Aunt Jane's in the same happy, care free mood you're in?

No, your going to have a headache, and a little bit of anxiousness and maybe some stiffness due to listening to that. It's not like you can leave...

Outside stimuli plays a HUGE role in our ability to absorb and retain information. That's why so much research is put into calming environments that serve all areas of learning.

I have 10 kids in care. That's a pretty good sized group. If every kid cried for 10 minutes every day, that's over an hour and a half of crying.

Other than sleep, there are very few things I do for over an hour and a half in a days time.

I totally understand what you are saying because being sent away to cry does sound harsh but I think it's just the way you are phrasing it.

No one ever says to a crying child "Go away!"

First I find out why they are crying. If it's a basic need I address it.
If it's an emotional need, I validate it or try to explain it
If it's a cry based on a want...I validate first and then ask them to please not be so loud for everyone else and ask them if they would like to continue crying. If so I ask them to do it over there.... (where ever away from others is at that time).

It's like any other manner...it's a courtesy for those around you as the criers right to express his feelings should NOT outweigh the other kids' right to a comfortable environment. The crier is choosing to cry. The others didn't choose to hear it.

[Unregistered]

Haha that question doesn't really work: you are an adult. If that happens on the bus I would think you are probably psychologically/emotionally disturbed and I'd be scared and try to stare out the window and not make eye contact if you are 0-5, I would feel sorry for you and your adult but not say anything or think much of it!

[Rockgirl]

I think the analogy is a good one. Why is it different for adults? Why should the children in our care have to endure long episodes of another child crying, just because they are children?

I will ask a child "Do you need to cry?" If they say yes, I say, "Okay, let's find you a spot." If the answer is no, I say, "Okay, then--time to play." I don't feel it's at all punitive--if they need to cry, they certainly can, but the other children have the right to be in a peaceful environment.

[childcaremom]

I think the analogy is a good one. Why is it different for adults? Why should the children in our care have to endure long episodes of another child crying, just because they are children?

I will ask a child "Do you need to cry?" If they say yes, I say, "Okay, let's find you a spot." If the answer is no, I say, "Okay, then--time to play." I don't feel it's at all punitive--if they need to cry, they certainly can, but the other children have the right to be in a peaceful environment.

I agree with this. I validate their feelings and do the same as above. There is nothing shaming or repressing about this. It is always framed in a positive way for the child.

I actually feel it teaches the children that what they are feeling is ok and that it is ok to find a quiet spot to feel these feelings. I have children that will tell me that they need to be alone for a little while (usually when they are upset about not having gotten their way). I direct them to the spot and remind the others that Susie has asked for some time alone so we will respect that.

I really don't think there is anything wrong with it. I often need time alone to regroup, why shouldn't children be afforded the same opportunity?

[CraftyMom]

I agree with this. I validate their feelings and do the same as above. There is nothing shaming or repressing about this. It is always framed in a positive way for the child.

I actually feel it teaches the children that what they are feeling is ok and that it is ok to find a quiet spot to feel these feelings. I have children that will tell me that they need to be alone for a little while (usually when they are upset about not having gotten their way). I direct them to the spot and remind the others that Susie has asked for some time alone so we will respect that.

I really don't think there is anything wrong with it. I often need time alone to regroup, why shouldn't children be afforded the same opportunity?

Yes, and quite often when kids are crying they don't want to be looked at. But the others can't help but look at the huge distraction in the room. So giving them a spot to cry takes care of that too. They can cry and not be looked at

[Sunchimes]

I have a crying box. I've always had a stove or refrigerator box for a playhouse. Now it is a crying box. It wasn't my idea. One of my kids has rage disorder as a result of a pediatric stroke combined with being 2 plus SPD. Until recently, he was largely non-verbal. He has 2-3 crying fits on a good day and 7 or so on a bad day. They range from 10 min to his recent record setting 57 min. I won't term because I am a s/n daycare and it's part of helping him.

His SLT, OT, and play therapist recommended the box because so much of it is related to sensory overload. The box has sensory things inside to help him chill. We are teaching him to go there when he feels overwhelmed. When we see signs of overload, we will direct him to the box in an attempt to avoid the rage. I resisted at first because it felt sort of like putting him in a closet, but they convinced me it had merit. It is voluntary. I suggest, and at times will take his hand and lead him to the crying corner and the box, but the choice is his. I always remind him that he is not in trouble and can come out when he feels better.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Some days, we are all in tears before he calms down. . You may be able to hear the screams right now. We are almost at the 20 minute mark.