Help Me. What Would You Do? Sorry It's So Long

[TwinMama]

So....I send this email to Mom....

Dear Mom,

Over the past few weeks I have observed some behaviors in ___ which are beginning to bring be cause for concern. There have been instances where he is pulling hair, hitting/slapping, and "tackling" the younger kids. When I ask him why, his response is "Because I want to." He never denies the behavior and does not seem even slightly remorseful for what he has done. Up to this point I have given him verbal warnings and "timeouts," but it does not seem to have made any difference in his behavior.

It is my job as a provider to keep all of the children in my home safe. The best interest of all the children in my care is priority number one and something that is non-negotiable. I have a zero tolerance policy on these above listed types of behaviors and cannot allow them to go on. My primary concern is that these behaviors are beginning to drastically interfere with the group fun, safe environment..distracting from our everyday routine, activies and learning.. it's not fair to him or the group..Bottom line, these behaviors cannot and will not be tolerated. I'd much rather he enjoy his days here with us!!

I will require your full support in finding a workable solution to these behavior difficulties. I want to make sure that your family and I are on the same page, working as a team with consistent rules, boundaries and daily behavior expectations to make a well needed change for the better. I know he can do it with all of our support!!

Please note that if we can't get this resolved as soon as possible, I will have no other choice but discontinue care. *Please see as it states in the handbook this behavior will result in termination of care (pg. 4.)

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thank you for your support.

Then little boy also threw a sensory ball at my wall of pictures and a metal tile fell off and hit his brother. He knows better but again....his response is "Because I wanted to."

I also can't get him to eat ANYTHING. I have to make PB and J's every day or he won't eat. He won't even eat a cheeseburger. He doesn't like fruits or vegetables. Not one. I feel this is because Mom rewards with candy, and ALWAYS has candy in their bag when they come here.

Talked to Dad and he agreed it's unacceptable behavior. Previously Dad told me that I shouldn't let him get away with anything. That previous daycare person did, because there weren't any other kids there. Mom called me about the email later and was freaking out. She said she's calling their pediatrician to ask him what to do.

She also admitted she needs to be more diligent about making him use manners, and about not letting him get away with certain behaviors. Apparently she was worried about having him around other kids having to share someones attention.

So she wants me to keep her updated on even the littlest of things so they can have conversations about it at night.

When Dad dropped DCB off the day after the email he "explained" to me that he doesn't know better than to respond "because I want to" to things when he does something wrong. That he used to get really frustrated, but I just need to ignore it. Then tells me that "just so I know" it takes a couple of weeks for DCB to learn a behavior.

He picked him up later that day and I let him know about DCB continuing to not want the babies to have toys and trying to sit on another DCB when the other DCB asked him not to and was yelling at him. He proceeded to ask the DCB if he ate his lunch disregarding what I told him. Then he started talking about the weather.

Mom emailed me a list of things to make for lunch that I should consider, because that's what DCB will eat. It's as though our conversation didn't happen.

I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.

Now Mom sends me this text:

Happy Friday!! I'm meeting with our pediatrician at 4 today. After I talk with her we plan on reviewing the resources she suggests and come up with a plan that we can utilize, encourage and teach. We will keep you posted and can hopefully find a time to talk. Happy First Mother's Day!!

This is frustrating. I've got my other two families for some reason giving me thank you cards, plants, seeds for the garden, and candy....thanking me because it's teacher's week and they want me to know how much they appreciate me and all that I do. Telling me I go the extra mile for activities for their kids and how much they appreciate it. Then I've got this family telling me what I should do so their son will do better here.

[Thriftylady]

So....I send this email to Mom....

Dear Mom,

Over the past few weeks I have observed some behaviors in ___ which are beginning to bring be cause for concern. There have been instances where he is pulling hair, hitting/slapping, and "tackling" the younger kids. When I ask him why, his response is "Because I want to." He never denies the behavior and does not seem even slightly remorseful for what he has done. Up to this point I have given him verbal warnings and "timeouts," but it does not seem to have made any difference in his behavior.

It is my job as a provider to keep all of the children in my home safe. The best interest of all the children in my care is priority number one and something that is non-negotiable. I have a zero tolerance policy on these above listed types of behaviors and cannot allow them to go on. My primary concern is that these behaviors are beginning to drastically interfere with the group fun, safe environment..distracting from our everyday routine, activies and learning.. it's not fair to him or the group..Bottom line, these behaviors cannot and will not be tolerated. I'd much rather he enjoy his days here with us!!

I will require your full support in finding a workable solution to these behavior difficulties. I want to make sure that your family and I are on the same page, working as a team with consistent rules, boundaries and daily behavior expectations to make a well needed change for the better. I know he can do it with all of our support!!

Please note that if we can't get this resolved as soon as possible, I will have no other choice but discontinue care. *Please see as it states in the handbook this behavior will result in termination of care (pg. 4.)

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thank you for your support.

Then little boy also threw a sensory ball at my wall of pictures and a metal tile fell off and hit his brother. He knows better but again....his response is "Because I wanted to."

I also can't get him to eat ANYTHING. I have to make PB and J's every day or he won't eat. He won't even eat a cheeseburger. He doesn't like fruits or vegetables. Not one. I feel this is because Mom rewards with candy, and ALWAYS has candy in their bag when they come here.

Talked to Dad and he agreed it's unacceptable behavior. Previously Dad told me that I shouldn't let him get away with anything. That previous daycare person did, because there weren't any other kids there. Mom called me about the email later and was freaking out. She said she's calling their pediatrician to ask him what to do.

She also admitted she needs to be more diligent about making him use manners, and about not letting him get away with certain behaviors. Apparently she was worried about having him around other kids having to share someones attention.

So she wants me to keep her updated on even the littlest of things so they can have conversations about it at night.

When Dad dropped DCB off the day after the email he "explained" to me that he doesn't know better than to respond "because I want to" to things when he does something wrong. That he used to get really frustrated, but I just need to ignore it. Then tells me that "just so I know" it takes a couple of weeks for DCB to learn a behavior.

He picked him up later that day and I let him know about DCB continuing to not want the babies to have toys and trying to sit on another DCB when the other DCB asked him not to and was yelling at him. He proceeded to ask the DCB if he ate his lunch disregarding what I told him. Then he started talking about the weather.

Mom emailed me a list of things to make for lunch that I should consider, because that's what DCB will eat. It's as though our conversation didn't happen.

I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.

Now Mom sends me this text:

Happy Friday!! I'm meeting with our pediatrician at 4 today. After I talk with her we plan on reviewing the resources she suggests and come up with a plan that we can utilize, encourage and teach. We will keep you posted and can hopefully find a time to talk. Happy First Mother's Day!!

This is frustrating. I've got my other two families for some reason giving me thank you cards, plants, seeds for the garden, and candy....thanking me because it's teacher's week and they want me to know how much they appreciate me and all that I do. Telling me I go the extra mile for activities for their kids and how much they appreciate it. Then I've got this family telling me what I should do so their son will do better here.

Well as far as them telling me what I would do in running my daycare, I would have said right away "I am sorry that is not how things work here, I have a system in place and that is my system". As far as the foods he will eat "I am sorry but I prepare a healthy meal every day, preping meals for picky kids is not a service I offer".

[TwinMama]

Well as far as them telling me what I would do in running my daycare, I would have said right away "I am sorry that is not how things work here, I have a system in place and that is my system". As far as the foods he will eat "I am sorry but I prepare a healthy meal every day, preping meals for picky kids is not a service I offer".

OMG!!! THANK YOU!!! I keep feeling like I'm missing something.

It's as thought they're trying to make me adapt to their child instead of their child getting used to daycare with other kids. The other children have no issues with my food or anything else. I don't want to have to term them......I feel awful even thinking it. I feel like I have to try and help him, but at the same time if he gets away with this behavior at home there's nothing I'm going to do about it. I also have infant twins to think about. I don't think he'd hurt them, but like I told DCM..."He wouldn't mean to hurt somebody if he did, but that's a big chance to take."

The food....the little boy will literally sit at my table and tell me "I'm going to waste it. I'm not eating this...I'll wait until supper when I go home."

I plant a garden with the kids and part of my daycare is trying to teach them about good food. I have an 18 month old that will eat steamed cauliflower. I can't even get him to eat waffles or a quesadilla. He also won't eat yogurt unless you can squeeze it.

[Blackcat31]

Its painfully obvious that this family has NO clue what group care means.

Im sorry that you are dealing with this.

First, I would NOT be making any alternate meals for the child. He either eats what you serve or he doesn't eat at all. Making him only those foods he wants is reinforcing the idea that life will change to meet HIS needs verses changing his own behaviors to fit in.

I would stop allowing these behaviors be your issue and REQUIRE the parents to not only participate but take the lead. If DCB has 3 strikes in one day (time outs) call for immediate pick up.

When mom and dad get tired of having to continually retrieve their child, they might just understand that this IS their problem and the mere fact that DCD is trying to convince you that changes in behavior take several weeks would have me putting that same thought process back on him and telling him you have NO choice but to call for immediate pick up until those few weeks have passed and DCB can SHOW you he is better by behaving better at your house. If DCD balks about having to leave his job so often, tell him "well changes in habitual behavior take weeks to happen" (two can play that game) Oye~ I am still taken aback that he is using that as an excuse.

Its also great that mom wants to work with you but frankly I would want them to work on it FIRST and then try to involve me because I think when kids KNOW they must behave at home, they are more than likely well behaved in other environments too so they really need to make some progress first before expecting you to do anything differently than you already do. Think potty training. This is pretty much the same thing.

As far as DCB replying "Because I wanted to"...I wouldn't ask him why. 9 out of 10 times kids really don't know why as they lack impulse control and asking them for a reason is like asking a dog to meow...kwim?

Instead of asking, just TELL him it was not okay. Who cares why, it's simply NOT acceptable. (I don't literally mean who cares why) I understand environment plays a role in behavior but I am thinking the only role your environment plays in his behavior is upsetting him because he isn't being coddled and babied like he is at home and that is frustrating to him. Thus the negative behaviors.

These are always the hard parents to deal with....they SAY they are on board, they pretend to ACT like they are on board but every behavior their kid has says they aren't. Add in the fact that DCM so cheerily made comments about working together....it just 'reads' "We'll get the info about what to do but expect YOU to do it".

[TwinMama]

Its painfully obvious that this family has NO clue what group care means.

Im sorry that you are dealing with this.

First, I would NOT be making any alternate meals for the child. He either eats what you serve or he doesn't eat at all. Making him only those foods he wants is reinforcing the idea that life will change to meet HIS needs verses changing his own behaviors to fit in.

I would stop allowing these behaviors be your issue and REQUIRE the parents to not only participate but take the lead. If DCB has 3 strikes in one day (time outs) call for immediate pick up.

When mom and dad get tired of having to continually retrieve their child, they might just understand that this IS their problem and the mere fact that DCD is trying to convince you that changes in behavior take several weeks would have me putting that same thought process back on him and telling him you have NO choice but to call for immediate pick up until those few weeks have passed and DCB can SHOW you he is better by behaving better at your house. If DCD balks about having to leave his job so often, tell him "well changes in habitual behavior take weeks to happen" (two can play that game) Oye~ I am still taken aback that he is using that as an excuse.

Its also great that mom wants to work with you but frankly I would want them to work on it FIRST and then try to involve me because I think when kids KNOW they must behave at home, they are more than likely well behaved in other environments too so they really need to make some progress first before expecting you to do anything differently than you already do. Think potty training. This is pretty much the same thing.

As far as DCB replying "Because I wanted to"...I wouldn't ask him why. 9 out of 10 times kids really don't know why as they lack impulse control and asking them for a reason is like asking a dog to meow...kwim?

Instead of asking, just TELL him it was not okay. Who cares why, it's simply NOT acceptable. (I don't literally mean who cares why) I understand environment plays a role in behavior but I am thinking the only role your environment plays in his behavior is upsetting him because he isn't being coddled and babied like he is at home and that is frustrating to him. Thus the negative behaviors.

These are always the hard parents to deal with....they SAY they are on board, they pretend to ACT like they are on board but every behavior their kid has says they aren't. Add in the fact that DCM so cheerily made comments about working together....it just 'reads' "We'll get the info about what to do but expect YOU to do it".

I thought the same thing, but wasn't sure if I was reading into it!!! They want to tell me what to do, but don't want to do the work themselves.

You're right about potty training. She wanted me to reward him with a ****er every time he went potty. I don't do candy rewards. She also wanted me to give him a sticker. She said,"He'll do anything for a sticker."

Ummm...that's sad. Anyhow...by the end of the week the kid was going potty and I didn't have to hand out one ****er or a sticker. We just had "try" time. Every 30 minutes I said we were going to go try. I even made the dog go outside for potty time so EVERYBODY tried. What do ya know?? It worked.

Holy smokes. I feel like dealing with Mom is more work than dealing with her kid.

I have a waiting list.....so part of me says to give up and just move on, but part of me says to not ditch the kid. There are other kids that I need to spend my day with too. I can't spend my days fighting with this one.

Today has been an okay day....but...most of the time...when I don't have he and his brother here I feel relieved. Then I worry what else will come my way and should I just deal with this.

[daycare]

I have not had time to read all of the other responses, but this is all I got




CRAPPY FOOD = CRAPPY BEHAVIOR

[Thriftylady]

I have not had time to read all of the other responses, but this is all I got




CRAPPY FOOD = CRAPPY BEHAVIOR

That can be very true as well.

[TwinMama]

I have not had time to read all of the other responses, but this is all I got




CRAPPY FOOD = CRAPPY BEHAVIOR

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!! I agree!!!!!!!!

[daycare]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!! I agree!!!!!!!!

and I am not calling your food crap....

trust me when I tell you...I have had some kids come in and tell their parents i hate school becuase I hate the food. Their parents say that is why you don't like going to school, YUP......lucky for me the parents back my menu and I refuse to serve anything "speical" for their little snowflake. YOu get what you are served, you don't have to like it and you don't have to eat it, but guess what.....I ain't making you anything else.

I would be telling DCM, i will NOT make a special additional meal for him every day. He is going to learn to eat food like the rest of the kids and it's going to promote a healthy lifestyle for this child, mind, body and soul...... sorry I got a little deep there, but you know what I mean.....

[Baby Beluga]

I have not had time to read all of the other responses, but this is all I got




CRAPPY FOOD = CRAPPY BEHAVIOR

[Blackcat31]

I have a waiting list.....so part of me says to give up and just move on, but part of me says to not ditch the kid. There are other kids that I need to spend my day with too. I can't spend my days fighting with this one.

That is your answer. Put a star on your calendar and tell the parents that if they don't curb his behavior by xx date he is terminated without any further discussion.

DON'T allow yourself to be drawn into a problem that IS theirs to solve but dumped on you.

Refuse to discuss this further with mom/dad until you've actually witnessed better behaviors when DCB is at your house. You'll know if they aren't working on it with him....and if they aren't the star date will come and you'll be off the hook!

As for the food list of things he'll eat, reply

"After giving this some thought I feel I need to let you know that I am not willing to prepare a separate meal for DCB as he is part of GROUP care and being part of group care means accepting the rules and activities as they are given to him. I will however, ALWAYS provide him with a hot, nutritious and well balanced meal and the only options he will be given at my house is to eat or not eat."



Part of me thinks that once you start standing your ground, the family will pull on their own. Make sure you keep a copy of the text she sent singing your praises... she'll probably change her tune once she isn't able to dump her child's issues on you.

[spedmommy4]

I am with Blackcat, but I actually don't engage the parents in a lot of discussion about the foods I serve after the interview. Almost every parent tells me their child is a picky eater.

My standard response is that picky eating is common in young kids and they often need to be presented with a food many times before they will try it. And that I only serve healthy meals.

I don't engage kids either. My new dcb wants chicken nuggets every day. I only respond one time with, the menu says we are having xyz today. I ignored all the complaints at lunch Thursday and, admittedly, was a little annoyed that he didn't eat anything. He did change his tune at snack though.

For the behaviors, the parents have to be on board. I take kiddos with some pretty significant behaviors but I will discontinue care if the parents are not going to support my efforts. For the extreme behaviors, you need everyone on the same page.

That is your answer. Put a star on your calendar and tell the parents that if they don't curb his behavior by xx date he is terminated without any further discussion.

DON'T allow yourself to be drawn into a problem that IS theirs to solve but dumped on you.

Refuse to discuss this further with mom/dad until you've actually witnessed better behaviors when DCB is at your house. You'll know if they aren't working on it with him....and if they aren't the star date will come and you'll be off the hook!

As for the food list of things he'll eat, reply

"After giving this some thought I feel I need to let you know that I am not willing to prepare a separate meal for DCB as he is part of GROUP care and being part of group care means accepting the rules and activities as they are given to him. I will however, ALWAYS provide him with a hot, nutritious and well balanced meal and the only options he will be given at my house is to eat or not eat."



Part of me thinks that once you start standing your ground, the family will pull on their own. Make sure you keep a copy of the text she sent singing your praises... she'll probably change her tune once she isn't able to dump her child's issues on you.

[Unregistered]

Had a similar problem. I had a sit down parent conference and we discussed all of the issues face to face. It helped to get all of us to get on the same page, but they believed their child had no issues. Had them go do an evaluation and they said he was normal, they proceeded to tell me when he starts getting out of hand(dragging another kid across the lawn or tackling a younger child to the ground) to stop what ever we are doing and put him in a bed sheet and swing him. If that didn't work give him a tight bear hug. Umm no. Gave them a two weeks notice and moved on. He is now in a bigger school and has 5 teachers to watch him, they send him to the trampoline a lot Stay strong! Give them a deadline. There are to many other things to worry about.

[Unregistered]

Had a similar problem. I had a sit down parent conference and we discussed all of the issues face to face. It helped to get all of us to get on the same page, but they believed their child had no issues. Had them go do an evaluation and they said he was normal, they proceeded to tell me when he starts getting out of hand(dragging another kid across the lawn or tackling a younger child to the ground) to stop what ever we are doing and put him in a bed sheet and swing him. If that didn't work give him a tight bear hug. Umm no. Gave them a two weeks notice and moved on. He is now in a bigger school and has 5 teachers to watch him, they send him to the trampoline a lot Stay strong! Give them a deadline. There are to many other things to worry about.

I had the exact same situation. I finally got fed up that I was the only one working on the behaviors because dck tested normal, which I still believe dck had sensory issues, if he was then why would I have to swing him if that's the case hmmm. So I termed. I felt bad for the dck at first but after the first few days I realized I made the right decision for me and the other dcks. There was less stress and more fun.