I have had a 15 month old in my care for 3 months now. She comes 2 days a week. She is SCARY smart! She speaks in 2-3 word sentences, can identify almost all her letters and numbers 1-10, counts objects, knows animals and their sounds, and can identify her name. However, she is SO unhappy most of the day. She does not play with others. She only wants to sit near me and if I have to leave the room to change a diaper or make a meal, she freaks out. I try to engage her in activities and teach her how to make choices of toys to play with, but she literally has zero interest in play. The other kids have also tried including her, but she wants nothing to do with them. She only wants me. I have also tried giving her harder activities to do, thinking she was just bored, but her motor skills are not on the same level and so everything is frustrating for her. I'm thinking of bringing up my concerns with parents because I feel like something is very "off" socially and that she needs to be evaluated, but I'm wondering if I'm over reacting since she is so very smart in other areas. She is very coddled and entertained constantly at home, so do you think her behavior is just a product of this, or do you think it is something more. I have brought up with parents that she doesn't play well and the parents just laugh it off saying "oh yes, she is very spoiled! haha!" Naps are a whole other issue as she is used to co-sleeping and is not on any sort of schedule. She will not nap here and I'm guessing she is going on probably 5 hours of sleep total on the days she comes here, so that could all play a part too. I'm just frustrated, so is she, and parents aren't on board with changing any of their habits at home. I hate to think of terming, because I've been nonchalant when bringing up these issues as to not step on the parents' toes, but gosh this is just getting worse instead of better. I need some good phrases to say that don't sound harsh, but get the point across that something isn't right and that I'm possibly thinking of terming. Please help?
Scary Smart 15 Month Old, But Odd Behavior...
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I have had a 15 month old in my care for 3 months now. She comes 2 days a week. She is SCARY smart! She speaks in 2-3 word sentences, can identify almost all her letters and numbers 1-10, counts objects, knows animals and their sounds, and can identify her name. However, she is SO unhappy most of the day. She does not play with others. She only wants to sit near me and if I have to leave the room to change a diaper or make a meal, she freaks out. I try to engage her in activities and teach her how to make choices of toys to play with, but she literally has zero interest in play. The other kids have also tried including her, but she wants nothing to do with them. She only wants me. I have also tried giving her harder activities to do, thinking she was just bored, but her motor skills are not on the same level and so everything is frustrating for her. I'm thinking of bringing up my concerns with parents because I feel like something is very "off" socially and that she needs to be evaluated, but I'm wondering if I'm over reacting since she is so very smart in other areas. She is very coddled and entertained constantly at home, so do you think her behavior is just a product of this, or do you think it is something more. I have brought up with parents that she doesn't play well and the parents just laugh it off saying "oh yes, she is very spoiled! haha!" Naps are a whole other issue as she is used to co-sleeping and is not on any sort of schedule. She will not nap here and I'm guessing she is going on probably 5 hours of sleep total on the days she comes here, so that could all play a part too. I'm just frustrated, so is she, and parents aren't on board with changing any of their habits at home. I hate to think of terming, because I've been nonchalant when bringing up these issues as to not step on the parents' toes, but gosh this is just getting worse instead of better. I need some good phrases to say that don't sound harsh, but get the point across that something isn't right and that I'm possibly thinking of terming. Please help?
I think it has to do DIRECTLY with the fact that she (your DCK and my DD as well) only spent time interacting with adults. I spent an enormous amount of time teaching her those things without realizing that it didn't make her a genius, it just showed what abilities a child that age had and what happened when they only got interaction with an adult.
By the time my second was born, I realized she needed more than academic skills.
Here's my two cents:
I would not allow her to sit near you and I would encourage her to go play. She is dependent (almost like an addict) on having an adult at her beck and call or within arms reach and she is showing you that by her behaviors.
"Go play!" would be a common and often used response to her.
If she declines the other kids' offers to join them then let her be. Don't allow her to have the option of staying near you. That's her comfort zone and one she will never venture from if parents aren't going to change their behaviors at home.
I would support her and encourage her to become the child she is, not the extension of the adult in her life....kwim?
I would still offer up tons of reassurance but still not allow her to retreat to your side. She can sit and watch the others play if she doesn't want to join them. Eventually she WILL want to get involved and play...the pull to be a child is sometimes pretty strong.
If you have no luck in doing that, I am afraid her behaviors will probably only get worse. At least that has been my experience.- Flag
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My daughter spoke in full sentences, knew her ABC's (not just the song but by site) and could also count to 25 by the time she was that same age.
I think it has to do DIRECTLY with the fact that she (your DCK and my DD as well) only spent time interacting with adults. I spent an enormous amount of time teaching her those things without realizing that it didn't make her a genius, it just showed what abilities a child that age had and what happened when they only got interaction with an adult.
By the time my second was born, I realized she needed more than academic skills.
Here's my two cents:
I would not allow her to sit near you and I would encourage her to go play. She is dependent (almost like an addict) on having an adult at her beck and call or within arms reach and she is showing you that by her behaviors.
"Go play!" would be a common and often used response to her.
If she declines the other kids' offers to join them then let her be. Don't allow her to have the option of staying near you. That's her comfort zone and one she will never venture from if parents aren't going to change their behaviors at home.
I would support her and encourage her to become the child she is, not the extension of the adult in her life....kwim?
I would still offer up tons of reassurance but still not allow her to retreat to your side. She can sit and watch the others play if she doesn't want to join them. Eventually she WILL want to get involved and play...the pull to be a child is sometimes pretty strong.
If you have no luck in doing that, I am afraid her behaviors will probably only get worse. At least that has been my experience.- Flag
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That sounds miserable, but the key phrases I took from your post is that mom and dad won't do anything to help or make changes that could possibly help, so imo, if she is just going to cry, then call them and make them come pick her up. Make it an inconvenience for them, just as it is for you. And be very clear. "dcm/dcd, dcg has been crying for an hour. I have tried everything at my disposal, yet she refuses to play or join in activities and wants me to pick her up and hold her all day, which is something I cannot do. If you cannot work with me to make this situtation better by providing a consistent environment at home that is similar to what she will receive here, then I am afraid this will not be a good fit. Let me know what you decide, but if she remain in my care, I will be calling for pick up if this behavior continues as it is disrupting the entire group." or something like that. Make it their problem, because it is their problem! If they want to raise their child to be aqdapted to one on one care, they need to hire a nanny and pay for it, not expect you and your other dcks to suffer. Good luck!- Flag
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I agree with Blackcat's advice. I would add two things. It is VERY typical that a behavior does get much worse before it improves. I wouldn't say the child is trying to win, but the child is making absolutely certain that the behavior (that works great on her parents) does not work on you. The second thing is to extinguish the crying you have to give no attention to the unnecessary crying. (No comfort, no eye contact, no talking) And give immediate positive attentive when she does what you want to get your attention. (Ask nicely, tap your leg, etc)
I would also have an honest discussion with her parents. The behavior is not conducive to a group care setting. Ask them what they want for their daughter. Is it lots of one on one? If so, a nanny would be a better fit. Is it to have fun and socialize? If so, then let's talk about some changes we can make together to help her have better days at childcare.
Good luck!- Flag
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Do you think it looks bad on my part though to bring this up all of a sudden? Its been ongoing, but I haven't been direct in what I've observed. I say "she had a rough day" or "she didn't show much interest in playing today". I haven't come out and said how disruptive it is our how it's getting to the point I can't handle it. I honestly thought I could fix it so I haven't made a huge deal about it to the parents. I'm worried if I start saying I'm going to call for pickup that they won't see it as their issue to fix, but rather I'm not competent enough to fix it myself.- Flag
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I agree with Blackcat's advice. I would add two things. It is VERY typical that a behavior does get much worse before it improves. I wouldn't say the child is trying to win, but the child is making absolutely certain that the behavior (that works great on her parents) does not work on you. The second thing is to extinguish the crying you have to give no attention to the unnecessary crying. (No comfort, no eye contact, no talking) And give immediate positive attentive when she does what you want to get your attention. (Ask nicely, tap your leg, etc)
I would also have an honest discussion with her parents. The behavior is not conducive to a group care setting. Ask them what they want for their daughter. Is it lots of one on one? If so, a nanny would be a better fit. Is it to have fun and socialize? If so, then let's talk about some changes we can make together to help her have better days at childcare.
Good luck!
This puts the ball in their court. It's not enough money to really make a difference for you, I'm guessing. Put it on them to decide. If they don't, then you will have to; and don't feel guilty about it. She's not YOUR child. They can raise her any way they want, but you don't have to suffer through it, and they vast changes in dynamic isn't really fair to her.- Flag
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I wouldn't attribute her skill set to intelligence but rather she has had an adult who has interacted with her minute to minute since birth. I have had a ton of would ids like this and their happiness is built upon adult input and high pitched frenetic praise when they do symbol recognition and can repeat phrases.
She needs to GO PLAY TOYS. Her true intelligence will be shown by what she creates in play. When she makes something of nothing and can self entertain you will get a much better picture of her intelligence.
I would not create ANYTHING for her to do but GO PLAY TOYS. I wouldn't EVER play with her. She needs to make friends with the toys and pay you no nevermind. I would not engage the parents in a single discussion about her being smart. Talk ONLY about her inability to self entertain and her reliance on you instead of the toys and kids. Ask them to make sure she has tons of free play time at home where they leave her be and have her play. They can take her to the park and get tons of exercise but she doesn't need schooling...just self driven play.- Flag
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the sleep issue is what would have me most concerned.
i can hardly function on that amount of sleep.
How do the parents expect you to meet her daily needs if they are co-sleeping with her at home? There is no way you could reproduce that for her.
I would tell the parents I have tired everything that I can to help DCG adjust to naps and nothing is working. I firmly believe that the only way this will get any better, is if you do not co-sleep with your child at home. If we can't get this figured out, I will have no choice but to let her go.
It really is not fair to you, mostly the child. A child that age needs 12-14 hours of sleep for every 24 hour period... You said she gets 5 hours of sleep????- Flag
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the sleep issue is what would have me most concerned.
i can hardly function on that amount of sleep.
How do the parents expect you to meet her daily needs if they are co-sleeping with her at home? There is no way you could reproduce that for her.
I would tell the parents I have tired everything that I can to help DCG adjust to naps and nothing is working. I firmly believe that the only way this will get any better, is if you do not co-sleep with your child at home. If we can't get this figured out, I will have no choice but to let her go.
It really is not fair to you, mostly the child. A child that age needs 12-14 hours of sleep for every 24 hour period... You said she gets 5 hours of sleep????- Flag
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