Advice About DCD

[spedmommy4]

I have a family that just started with me. The boys only attend part time and they live with their mom, and mom is fantastic. The problem is dcd.

The boys have only been with me three weeks. So far he has called every day that I have them, called me on days I don't have them to verify their schedule multiple times, (I think he is checking up on the mom?) and called persistently until I answer when I am in the middle of projects. Last week he even stopped by one day and left after 10 minutes causing his youngest to cry inconsolably for 45 minutes (Who does that?! Grr . . .)

I really enjoy working with the boys and their mom, but this guy is driving me crazy. I am polite but curt when he calls and also ALWAYS ignore the calls when I am busy. I wait until I am done and send a brief text response. I have politely explained that when he calls that I am typically in the middle of circle, cooking, during the day and can't take calls unless it is an emergency but it is not sinking in. Any other suggestions??

[laundrymom]

Here if they pop in they must take them. I'm not a place for visits. I'm a daycare. No child should be expected to say goodbye more than once a day.

[mommiebookworm]

Maybe mention it to dcm? Has she said he can call/stop by, etc?

[laundrymom]

It could also be his way of trying to be involved but he doesn't know its hindering your day?
Could you talk to him more directly?

[spedmommy4]

I did mention it to mom. She said he did this to the last provider too. I don't know the details of their custody arrangement though. IME typically when one parent has their custody time the other is not permitted to visit. When I brought it up, she did not say he couldn't visit.

@laundrymom I have considered being very direct. I guess I have just been hesitant since mom has expressed that this was not an amicable split so I am trying to stay out of it. At first I thought he was just trying to be an involved dad but their custody time is 50/50 and the boys are only here 2 days for about 8 hours each day so now I am not sure what to think.

[hope]

I would tell dcd that you can only communicate between the hours of x to x time via however you are comfortable. His behavior is unacceptable.

[Angelsj]

Dad, you are welcome to stop in anytime. However, if you stop by you must take the children with you. You also need to call once and leave a message. I will get back to you when it works with my schedule. Repeated calling or texting is not acceptable. Not following these rules will place your family on probation and may result in termination.
Thanks, Spedmommy

The sooner you put your foot down and spell out what is and is not acceptable the better. On the other hand, you could just block his number.

[Thriftylady]

Mom said he did this before, did that provider term them over it? Just wondering if a probation notice banning this or terming would fix the issue. I know you don't really want to term, just wondering if it would stop the behavior. It is completely out of line.

[daycare]

a few things I think you should consider changing.

On drop off and one pick up per day per family. Children need consistency, there is nothing harder than confusing their routine by allowing drop in visits.

If dad wants to visit his children, he needs to arrange that with mom. I don not allow visitations to take place on my property.

I would make certain that the parents are made aware of this and if dad shows up to visit with the kids, then it is time to pick up for the day, they don't come back until their next scheduled day of care.

I had a family try this to me once, and I put an end to it that very day. Sorry this is not a place for family visits, this is my home daycare program

I think BC has the perfect letter for divorced parents. If I can find it for you I will.

best of luck

[RTG]

I agree, be direct. "Hey DCD, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear about keeping in touch with me during, but here is how it works: You are welcome to stop by and pick up your child early. You are not welcome to stop by just to say hi. It is too hard on the kids. You are welcome to call and leave me a message and I will return your call when I am able. You are welcome to send me a text and I will respond when I am able. All other means of communication take too much time away from the kids. Unless, of course, it is an emergency. Thanks for your cooperation!" Then STICK with it! He'll get it eventually if you don't buckle.

[Sunchimes]

I was thinking about the whole having to take the kids thing. With the situation I have, it would mean he was taking the kids on one of mom's custodial days. I think the fat would hit the fan if I did that. I would just tell him that no one is allowed in during daycare hours because of privacy issues. Do you have custody papers showing when he is allowed to have them?

[Thriftylady]

OK I've been thinking this over. I might tell them both that they need to make a schedule and put in writing what days which parent is picking up. Tell them that they may not visit unless it is their day and they are taking kiddo home. This schedule needs to be ONE schedule not a different one each week. If you let them change it each week it will be a headache for you. It seems to me you are getting stuck in the middle and you need to make it clear that you will not be the middle man.

[Blackcat31]

If the parents are not together, it is HIGHLY advised that you have a copy of the custody/visitation order on file.

This will dictate when he can and can't have access to his children.

As for stopping by and "visiting" I would squash that immediately as you are not a visitors center and I can only imagine the disruption it is to your day.

Like Laudrymom said, ONE pick up PER day PER family. If he stops, he takes ALL his children.

Also, I think "Daycare" is spot on about you needing a letter that outlines the boundaries and responsibilities.

Here is a copy of that letter:

Dear Families,

Over the years I have noticed my role as child care provider can often create the impression that we are extended family. Because your child's welfare is so important, this care and nurturing can create an intimacy between us that makes us feel more like family than business partners. As a home daycare provider, I strive to foster this sense of community, and to provide the closeness you will not find in a child care center.

However, there does need to be well defined boundaries in certain areas. Some of you are currently in the process of redefining your families, and are struggling with court orders, custody issues, and feelings of estrangement. It is imperative I remind all of you that I must remain a neutral third party. As your child's advocate, their needs are my sole priority. Please keep in mind, this doesn't mean that I am unaware or unaffected by the turmoil you face; I am sorry for your pain and I do mourn the loss of your child's family as they have known it. Still, I can't let any feelings I have for you interfere with my role in providing your child a safe, neutral environment where they can express their own feelings of sadness or fear. In consideration of this, here is a list of some of the things you need to remember should you wish to keep you child enrolled at (name of child care facility):

1. My home is a safe haven for them; please refrain from expressing your sadness or frustration about your child's other parent (and perhaps their new significant other) within their presence. Your child is extremely perceptive and already knows how you feel; my home is one place they should be able to escape this tension.

2. Please provide me with any copies of legal documents I need regarding the custody or care arrangements for your child. Keep in mind that in the absence of any court documents, I cannot legally keep a child from his or her parent, and will not agree to any such arrangement.

3. Develop a well thought out plan for pick-up and drop-off. Do NOT make my driveway a place of confrontation. If you need to do a "switch" where the child moves from one parent's care to another during the course of the week, choose someplace else to do so.

5. Do NOT put me in the middle of any issues you have regarding child support payment or the payment for my services. Work out a plan for who is responsible to pay for your child's care and do so promptly and courteously. I know money is a primary point of contention in many separations -- do NOT make me ask for payment for my services or you will find yourself looking for a new child care provider.

6. Do not request that I do anything for you other than the normal array of service you have received in the past. I will NOT document anything other than legitimately suspected mistreatment, so don't ask me to spend time evaluating your ex-spouse's parenting skills or capability as a parent. If the court feels they need my opinion, they will provide me with a list of written questions I will answer to the best of my ability. I operate an honest business and consider my integrity and trust two hallmarks of my home.

7. I do not participate in supervised visitation. My home is a "Home away from home" for many children and I need to consider the welfare of ALL my families when making decisions. I am a child care provider -- not a mediator or evaluator.

In summary, please minimize to the greatest degree possible, any disruption to your child's regular day at my home. Separation of a family is a big issue to young children, and my home may be the place of stability where they can work through their emotions and confusion.

If you have questions, please call me at 555-555-5555

[Thriftylady]

Wow that is an awesome letter. I could have used that years ago when I first did child care in Kansas. I had two parents who never married who were on again off again. They had so many fights using that poor child they tried to involve me in. I hated it and cried for the little boy.

[Sunchimes]

Sorry. This tablet is crazy. Keep showing as unposted when it is.