Would You Say Something?

[spud912]

I try not to get involved in how the parents handle their child(ren) when they are outside of my home unless it is a safety issue. HOWEVER, this one particular dcb's behavior is driving me nuts. Admittedly so, he is a child I should have termed in the beginning, but I kept him regardless because my dh encouraged me to work through his problems. We did work through a lot, but I still regret it because he is a thorn in my side yet nothing big enough to term over anymore.

Anyway, everyday dcm drops off dcb, dcb treats her with sooo much disrespect and dcm does NOTHING. Everyday, she plays back and forth with him in the driveway (he goes to the front seat when she opens the back door, then he goes to the back seat when she goes to the front and back and forth). They do this EVERY morning and it always lasts several minutes. She never says anything to him (like "come here now!")....just keeps going back and forth. Then as they are walking to the front door this morning she says "come on, XXX" and he yells at her "I AM !!" She doesn't even seem to notice that he just yelled at her. Argh...it's not just that he is acting so poorly, it's that the mom completely doesn't notice/care/try to correct it. They always say they are on board with me and correcting his behavior but I just don't see them actually acting out what they are saying. At pick up, they let him run around my whole front yard and it takes them literally 10 minutes to get him from my front door to their car every day. They are always next to him while he does this so it's not a safety issue. They just keep saying "come on, buddy, time to go" and he just pretends to not listen and do whatever he wants.

Should I say something? If so, how do I word it?

[Thriftylady]

Ugh some parents just don't seem to want to parent. But while it may not be a safety issue, perhaps you could come at it from the liability side? I would tell them verbally and in writing that he can't be messing around in your yard like that once they are there, you can't take chances of injury on your property. Someone else can word it better I am sure. But then if it continues and you choose to you have reason to term. You can't fix the behavior issues alone, they gotta get on board and step it up, he will keep acting out as long as they allow it and the older and bigger he gets the worse it will get. Not that you will have him at 14 or 15 but boy what a mess he will be then if they don't do something now.

[Shell]

I'm not sure there's anything you can do here.
Now, if it was a safety issue, dcb broke your property, etc, then it's time to say something.
I just posted the other day about a dcg that I had behave like this for dcm for 3 years!!! Dcg wasn't in danger, or hurting anyone/thing, so I just let it happen
Dcm just really had no clue how to discipline, and didn't like being called out for it either. Dcd had zero issues disciplining and picking up/dropping off.
It was a little entertaining because dcm was a pita- and dcg always listened to me.

[Rockgirl]

I don't even look outside to see what is going on between the parent and child. If the behavior continues inside my home, yes I say something. I have had to tell a child, "At my house, you will not speak to your mommy that way/hit your mom, etc. Also, I wouldn't have my dh telling me to hold onto a kid and work thru the behavior unless he was here working with me full time, and willing to take that on himself. That's just me.

[Play Care]

I don't even look outside to see what is going on between the parent and child. If the behavior continues inside my home, yes I say something. I have had to tell a child, "At my house, you will not speak to your mommy that way/hit your mom, etc. Also, I wouldn't have my dh telling me to hold onto a kid and work thru the behavior unless he was here working with me full time, and willing to take that on himself. That's just me.

This.
Although if they were doing something that caused neighbors to complain or whatever I would say something as I do have a "good neighbor policy"

[Rockgirl]

This.
Although if they were doing something that caused neighbors to complain or whatever I would say something as I do have a "good neighbor policy"

Yes, absolutely. Need to stay good with the neighbors!

[Blackcat31]

I would say something.

I know the behavior of the child on the parent's watch is their issue but this would not be something I was comfortable being an audience to day in and day out... not to mention the liability of it all.....

I would say something to mom along the lines of "We practice respect and manners here and the daily show that DCB puts on when being asked to comply during drop off is getting out of hand and is completely unnecessary. DCM, I am expecting you to take control of your child. I am FULLY expecting you to be the authority while you are on MY property.

DCB can NOT continue to run rampant outside and around my yard at pick up. If he gets hurt while running from you, I am responsible and I will no longer tolerate what has been happening. From now on, I expect you to physically take his hand (or carry him if he is younger) and physically accompany him to and from the car. He is NOT to let go of your hand. If this is not something you can manage, I am not sure I will be able to continue providing services as manners, proper behavior and respect towards adults (especially to parents) is something I strive to teach and uphold to the kids attending my program.

If you are needing tips, pointers or suggestions on how this can be managed properly, let me know."


...and I would be saying this TO mom with a FIRM voice that leaves NO room for misunderstanding or passive-aggressive responses.

[spud912]

Thank you everyone for your responses! In regards to my dh, I have to say that he is my voice of reason and I do seek him first and foremost for advice. I too-often let my emotions guide my choices, which is why I heeded his advice. Plus, at the time I was concerned with filling the vacancy only a couple of months prior to moving and with being obviously pregnant. However, in this case I should have heeded my gut feeling because this dcb has caused me countless headaches. While he does act tremendously better, I still find myself wishing he would move on elsewhere. The main thing that always holds me back is that the parents DO try very hard, always follow my policies and treat me with a ton of respect, and they are always the first to help with supplies and participate.

[spud912]

I would say something.

I know the behavior of the child on the parent's watch is their issue but this would not be something I was comfortable being an audience to day in and day out... not to mention the liability of it all.....

I would say something to mom along the lines of "We practice respect and manners here and the daily show that DCB puts on when being asked to comply during drop off is getting out of hand and is completely unnecessary. DCM, I am expecting you to take control of your child. I am FULLY expecting you to be the authority while you are on MY property.

DCB can NOT continue to run rampant outside and around my yard at pick up. If he gets hurt while running from you, I am responsible and I will no longer tolerate what has been happening. From now on, I expect you to physically take his hand (or carry him if he is younger) and physically accompany him to and from the car. He is NOT to let go of your hand. If this is not something you can manage, I am not sure I will be able to continue providing services as manners, proper behavior and respect towards adults (especially to parents) is something I strive to teach and uphold to the kids attending my program.

If you are needing tips, pointers or suggestions on how this can be managed properly, let me know."


...and I would be saying this TO mom with a FIRM voice that leaves NO room for misunderstanding or passive-aggressive responses.

Thanks so much, BC! Now to put on my big girl panties and say it in person . Dcb has two moms and one does morning drop-off and one does afternoon pick-up. I think I will discuss with pick-up mom as I am most concerned about him running around at pick-up.

I also think the back and forth thing in the car in the morning may be a safety issue which is why I should say something about that. Dcb really shouldn't be climbing in and out of the front seat without an adult in the car because he could kick the vehicle out of gear. Plus, I've often wondered how he has the capability to do this "game" with his dcm anyway. Normally when I unbuckle my children (as carseats are difficult for 2 year olds to unbuckle), they get out immediately. How is he doing back and forth games unless he is not latched in properly? He must be unlatching himself somehow because there is no way with an adult standing next to him he can make a beeline for the front seat.

[SquirrellyMama]

How old is dcb? I looked and didn't see an age. I apologize if I missed it. Can you talk with dcb instead of mom? I have an after school dcb who is 5 years old. I've had him for the last 3 years, but this year I noticed his attitude had changed a bit.

When his mom would come pick him up he'd make her carry his backpack even though she's often carrying all the bags and the 4 year old.

One day I told him he was big enough to carry his own bag, which he agreed to. Well, when mom comes he throws his bag at her. I was stunned.

The next day we had a little talk about his attitude and behavior. After that day I made sure to get his back pack on his back before he left. After a couple weeks he started putting it on himself even when mom and dad offer to carry it.

I know this dcb is 5 so it might not work with your dcb.

Kelly

[laundrymom]

I call the child out right in front of the parent.
"Elizabeth Marie, that is unacceptable behavior. You will sit in your car seat until mom takes your hand and then follow her inside. Do you understand those words?"
I even put it in my contract so the parent isn't surprised. Many parents don't know HOW to TELL a child what to do. We don't do the "ask" if they're ready to come inside here. They have many choices throughout the day but EVERY transition, activity, thought and direction doesn't have to involve a child's choice.
A child is still learning how to control impulses and body functions. They don't get to be the adult.

~While your child is in my home it is important that everyone understands – MY rules apply until you have gotten into your car and left the drive. The less confusion about who is in charge, the more comfortable everyone will be. It also eliminates the confusion about who should respond if a child needs direction. Please keep in mind that children tend to ‘act out’ when a parent is here.

[Unregistered]

Is it possible its family dynamic issue. In my family boys in particular are superior to females including their mothers.

[Play Care]

Is it possible its family dynamic issue. In my family boys in particular are superior to females including their mothers.

It sounds as if the OP's family consists of two moms. I'd go out on a limb to say that male superiority issues don't factor in here. ::

[scorp122]

~While your child is in my home it is important that everyone understands – MY rules apply until you have gotten into your car and left the drive. The less confusion about who is in charge, the more comfortable everyone will be. It also eliminates the confusion about who should respond if a child needs direction. Please keep in mind that children tend to ‘act out’ when a parent is here.

Love this, I need to redo my contract, with something like this!

[spud912]

How old is dcb? I looked and didn't see an age. I apologize if I missed it. Can you talk with dcb instead of mom? I have an after school dcb who is 5 years old. I've had him for the last 3 years, but this year I noticed his attitude had changed a bit.

When his mom would come pick him up he'd make her carry his backpack even though she's often carrying all the bags and the 4 year old.

One day I told him he was big enough to carry his own bag, which he agreed to. Well, when mom comes he throws his bag at her. I was stunned.

The next day we had a little talk about his attitude and behavior. After that day I made sure to get his back pack on his back before he left. After a couple weeks he started putting it on himself even when mom and dad offer to carry it.

I know this dcb is 5 so it might not work with your dcb.

Kelly

Dcb is 2 (will be 3 in less than 2 months). I did talk to him this morning after drop off about his poor behavior but he is a super handful and needs constant reminders. He tries to get away with anything and everything and lacks impulse control so he will do it tomorrow, no doubt.