Screaming/Tantrums (OT/My Own Kid)

[Hunni Bee]

Hi all

My little one is now 19 months and is full of character. She's caught up mostly and growing up - little peanut is actually wearing a 2T!!

She does well with doing as asked/not getting her way at daycare and at her dad's house. It seems that I'm the only one having the issues. She is starting to throw massive tantrums - screaming, hitting, kicking, flailing - at my house. Its based around two basic things, eating and sleeping. She wants to eat nonstop and way more than she should, and she refuses to go to sleep.

We've always had the crying when the bottle/cup/plate was empty. But now its intense screaming and can go on for 30-45 mins. Also, while I'm cooking, she comes in and starts whining for food. I say "almost done" and she starts. I say "no crying in the kitchen" and if she persists, I lead her to her Cry Corner. She comes back in the kitchen still screaming, back to CC. Rinse, repeat 10000x. Giving her something to eat while waiting usually makes it worse.

She used to go to bed with no problem. We ditched the paci a couple weeks ago, and we had one week of honeymoon going right to sleep. Lately she starts screaming the moment I pick her up to put in her in the crib, and can go on for 2-3 hours! The earlier we start the longer it lasts. She will fall asleep if I kinda aggressively jiggle her for 10 minutes, but other than that screams. Her daycare teachers have a hard time getting her to sleep as well, but not dad.

I'm concerned because its very intense. No tears, but once she gets started its very hard to get her stop...short of giving her her way (more food, get back up and play). I do not negotiate with terrorists, so there's LOTS of screaming.

Any ideas/advice? I live in an apartment with thin walls - I'm just waiting for CPS to show up. Plus I only have her four days a week and I hate that she spends so much of our time in tantrums. Finally, I have a screamer at work and coming home to a worse one is getting old.

TIA.

[Thriftylady]

My daughter was a pill and threw horrible tantrums over anything and everything. Violent ones. Since hers revolves around food and sleep, I suggest taking her first to the doctor. The not seeming to get enough food could be an underlying issue, or she could just be trying to control you, so I would want the doctor to weigh in. I know it is hard but if there is no other issue, you just can't give in. A doctor's visit would help, because at least if CPS does show up, you have documentation. I would also start keeping a log so when you go to the doctor they can look at it and see what you are really dealing with. For now that is the best advice I have.

[daycare]

This may get me flammed. But speaking from a mother who shares custody of a daughter. It's called mothers unconditional love. My daughter knows I'm never going to leave and knows I'm her foundation. So she knows no matter what she does or says to me I will never leave. But she doesn't have that confidence with her father or other adults in her life so she is always treating them with love or respect that I don't always get. She doesn't have that confidence that the will always be there for her like mom will be....

In almost 15 years that I've been separated from my ex this has always been the way it has been.

[Thriftylady]

This may get me flammed. But speaking from a mother who shares custody of a daughter. It's called mothers unconditional love. My daughter knows I'm never going to leave and knows I'm her foundation. So she knows no matter what she does or says to me I will never leave. But she doesn't have that confidence with her father or other adults in her life so she is always treating them with love or respect that I don't always get. She doesn't have that confidence that the will always be there for her like mom will be....

In almost 15 years that I've been separated from my ex this has always been the way it has been.

No flaming here I really think that is why my DD did it! I just would double check because of the food issue is all.

[Heidi]

This is really easy to see from the outside, because I see it every single day with my 26 mo dcg.

With dad she tries, with me she tries, but it nets her nothing. She doesn't want her coat on? Too bad. It's -5 and you're wearing you coat, whether or not you WANT to. She doesn't want to go to bed? Fine, then you're crying on the other side of the gate until you fall asleep on the floor (this happens at home, not here). Then, you get moved to your bed.

When dad is home (mom works late occasionally), she goes right to right bed away. When mom is home, it's what you described; lot's of drama. Why, because eventually, on occasion, mom gives in and takes her in their bed.

The longer you let her whine to win, and the more times she has to do it, the more likely is that she'll try every single time.

I'f she wont stay put in the CC, I'd find another place to actually confine her. Not her bed, of course, but maybe a playpen or a gated area. That is the new CC until she can learn to use the other one.

This is not a daycare child. This is YOUR child. There are no rules about "confining", etc. Do what works (unless, of course, it could hurt her, and no pnp time ever killed anyone).

Also, look in the mirror when she's tantruming, or film yourself on your phone. You may be surprised at your facial expression. I see it with dcm, and so does dcg...her mother looks guilty, sad, sorry...about setting limits! You should be PROUD of yourself for setting limits. You are doing your child a huge favor, and for that matter, yourself a huge favor, because you WONT have a 5 year old that pulls the same crap!

I think a lot of us, from older generations, maybe, wondered when it became so wrong to MAKE your children do anything. To me, it's about balance. You respect them as little people, but you give them the gift of YOU being in charge. A child isn't capable of deciding some things. You are. You're mom. That's your job, not hers, and don't feel bad about that.

So, that's the "be strong" part, but then there's the balance:

I am a big believer in external cues. Toddlers don't know that dinner is done because it's done. They think that you finally caved, even if you didn't. So, make it someone (or something) else's fault. Set the alarm, or egg timer, and tell her "it's time to eat when the bell rings". If she screams, try "oh, I'm sorry, that bell says it's not time to eat yet".

Even if dinner is done before she notices (the off day she's distracted), set the bell. Make it the bell's fault instead of yours. Same with bed time. When the x does x, it's bedtime. Pick another cue.

[Thriftylady]

I also agree with the bell thing. Even when my dcks are playing or something and it is about to end and I did it with DD I say "in X minutes we are putting this up and doing Y". A bell would be the same thing, I would set it and say in X minutes when the bell rings Y will happen". It may not work the first few times, but eventually it will I bet.

[melilley]

Wow Hunni Bee, she's 19 months already?! Boy, time flies! It seems like you just posted her newborn pic.!

I have an inkling of what you're going through. I call it the "Mom Syndrome", where the kids give the moms trouble. It happens with my 2.5 year old ds also. He mostly listens to dad, but me, not so much. Then my dh is always like "see, he does it for me", but what he doesn't understand is my ds is with me ALL the time. I think that accounts for some of it. My ds goes to bed sometimes and other times will scream and/or cry. I let him do it for a period of time, but I also have a dd who gets up for school so I do have him lay with me after a while. But I'm the firm one, my dh gives in a lot, so I just don't get it. Hopefully these "phases"-I hope that's what they are, go away, and soon!

Sorry, I don't have any advice, but I do know what you are going through.

[Hunni Bee]

Thanks ladies. I will be trying these. I don't have a PNP but I do have a gate. I don't cave, but I was worried because she doesn't seem to care - she just goes into super-scream mode. Then if she "gets her way" i.e. dinner is ready, she stops mid-scream and starts smiling and being adorable. Stinkpot.

[Controlled Chaos]

Thanks ladies. I will be trying these. I don't have a PNP but I do have a gate. I don't cave, but I was worried because she doesn't seem to care - she just goes into super-scream mode. Then if she "gets her way" i.e. dinner is ready, she stops mid-scream and starts smiling and being adorable. Stinkpot.

My DD is in the same phase. She is such a booger! She is the worst when I go to the restroom she comes in, throws herself to the floor for a beautiful tantrum :confused:. Also if she snack before it is on her tray.

This too shall pass :hug:

[Heidi]

Thanks ladies. I will be trying these. I don't have a PNP but I do have a gate. I don't cave, but I was worried because she doesn't seem to care - she just goes into super-scream mode. Then if she "gets her way" i.e. dinner is ready, she stops mid-scream and starts smiling and being adorable. Stinkpot.

Yep, that's what my dcg does! Literally, as soon as her mom is out the door, my dh says "oh look there's a squirrel!" and she has the same reaction our Shih Tzu does. She runs to the window.

But, for you, Hunni Bee, that should tell you that she is trying to be manipulative. Stink pot is right! lovethis

I'd go with that outside force thing so you can blame it on the bell. At least she's not getting the idea you caved. I might also consider an IPOD and some head phones. It's easier for you to extinguish her screams if you can't hear them so well. What would she do if you totally ignored her and started dancing around the kitchen, "oblivious"?

Another idea would be, get dinner ready, set everything up, then take her out for a walk for 10 minutes before you actually eat. That way, she does not associate your preparing with her eating IMMEDIATELY. Maybe it'll confuse her just enough that it'll throw her off her little game.