Those Who Put A Star On Their Calendar

[CraftyMom]

As a deadline for terming a child...do you tell the parents you are giving it until that date? Or is that just for yourself?

I think I need to do this for my 9 month old. I had intended on sticking it out, waiting for him to "out grow this phase". It has been a cry fest since October. I don't think I can take much more. It's his particular cry that makes it so hard. It's a scream and it gets under my skin. I keep telling myself it will get better. Then I told myself by the time he is 12 months he will get better. But I don't think I can wait that long. It is 4 out of 5 days if not 5 days per week.

He does not nap well, then cries because he is miserable and exhausted but WILL NOT sleep. Well not completely true...he sleeps in short intervals...cry for 20 minutes, sleep for 15 minutes, cry for 20 minutes, sleep for 10 minutes...after about an hour of the on off sleeping screaming I take him out, but then he is still crying because he's tired! And he follows me around crawling and crying, wanting to be held. Oh and the more he cries the more fluids he produces...tears streaming down, drool flowing like a faucet, nose dripping...

I have spoken to his mom several times. She feels bad, says she will do anything to help but I don't know what she can do. She doesn't hold him all the time at home, puts him down in his crib still awake. He "sleeps great" at home. 3 hour naps twice a day on weekends, and in bed by 7:30, wakes up at 7 am. I hate to, but in my mind I question how true this is. How could he be completely different at home? It's just a completely different environment. At home it's just him and mom. No one else, no 5 other kids plus 2 school age kids.

She wants me to skip a nap. How can I skip something he doesn't even do? He NEEDS a nap soooo bad! I have tried everything, I think I am just done.

I have only kept him this long because his mom is great. She "gets it" as far as him being one of 6 in daycare. She keeps him home when she is not working. She works at a school so she keeps him on school vacations. He will stay home during the summer and she will pay half to hold his spot (I filled the other half for summer). She is on top of paperwork. Keeps him home if sick. So I'm keeping him because he has a good mom who follows rules. I'm afraid the trade in will be a great child but parents who don't follow rules ugh

If you asked me at the beginning of the week I would not be ready to term. I think I've just had enough of the crying. It's too bad too, because he is so cute! And he is happy and pleasant on the occasion he gets a good nap in.

I have another infant here that was alos giving me a hrad time, but has made huge improvements. He will also take short naps, but without the crying. He wakes up happy

[Blackcat31]

As a deadline for terming a child...do you tell the parents you are giving it until that date? Or is that just for yourself?

I think I need to do this for my 9 month old. I had intended on sticking it out, waiting for him to "out grow this phase". It has been a cry fest since October. I don't think I can take much more. It's his particular cry that makes it so hard. It's a scream and it gets under my skin. I keep telling myself it will get better. Then I told myself by the time he is 12 months he will get better. But I don't think I can wait that long. It is 4 out of 5 days if not 5 days per week.

He does not nap well, then cries because he is miserable and exhausted but WILL NOT sleep. Well not completely true...he sleeps in short intervals...cry for 20 minutes, sleep for 15 minutes, cry for 20 minutes, sleep for 10 minutes...after about an hour of the on off sleeping screaming I take him out, but then he is still crying because he's tired! And he follows me around crawling and crying, wanting to be held.

I have spoken to his mom several times. She feels bad, says she will do anything to help but I don't know what she can do. She doesn't hold him all the time at home, puts him down in his crib still awake. He "sleeps great" at home. 3 hour naps twice a day on weekends, and in bed by 7:30, wakes up at 7 am. I hate to, but in my mind I question how true this is. How could he be completely different at home? It's just a completely different environment. At home it's just him and mom. No one else, no 5 other kids plus 2 school age kids.

She wants me to skip a nap. How can I skip something he doesn't even do? He NEEDS a nap soooo bad! I have tried everything, I think I am just done.

I have only kept him this long because his mom is great. She "gets it" as far as him being one of 6 in daycare. She keeps him home when she is not working. She works at a school so she keeps him on school vacations. He will stay home during the summer and she will pay half to hold his spot (I filled the other half for summer). She is on top of paperwork. Keeps him home if sick. So I'm keeping him because he has a good mom who follows rules. I'm afraid the trade in will be a great child but parents who don't follow rules ugh

If you asked me at the beginning of the week I would not be ready to term. I think I've just had enough of the crying. It's too bad too, because he is so cute! And he is happy and pleasant on the occasion he gets a good nap in.

I have another infant here that was alos giving me a hrad time, but has made huge improvements. He will also take short naps, but without the crying. He wakes up happy

It's tough because I'm sure you do what I do and make a decision that enough is enough and then suddenly it's the weekend or child has a so-so day and it suddenly doesn't seem as bad as it did when you declared enough....
....and it just cycles round and round and round, til you are positive it's YOU.

Honestly, I would just give notice. Give them their 2 weeks and just say "I'm sorry but mentally I cannot do this anymore. I'll provide care until x day but then I'm done."

If they balk or pull early, just let them go all together. You can try to explain to mom that it's not her and there is probably nothing she can do even though you appreciate the fact that she is willing....some kids are just not cut out for daycare. Trust me. It's why I am even here.

More than likely she wont take it well anyways as no one wants to be termed. Even if they know why and understand.

It's also not fair to the little one nor the other kids. It's a slow painful build when you listen to a baby cry day in and day out. It slowly ****s your sanity out and you don't even know it half the time.

Just because you are talking about it, is proof that it's done. There is nothing more you can do so just be done.

It's okay. It's not a reflection of you, the child or the parent.

Its just not working.

You have permission to say "I tried but I am out."

You'll feel SOOO much better once you just admit, you are done.

I promise.

[Shell]

It's a lot of work taking care of two babies, and I've been there too with the thought that a child will outgrow something, and then they don't.
Terming is a hard decision, but I always find when I start posting with, "should I term", that my mind is already made up and I'm just looking for affirmation that I'm not giving up, that what I'm dealing with really is too much for one person, etc.
With my last term, the only thing I regret is the $. I sure miss that check each week, but as you know, things eventually turn around in this business.

[CraftyMom]

It's tough because I'm sure you do what I do and make a decision that enough is enough and then suddenly it's the weekend or child has a so-so day and it suddenly doesn't seem as bad as it did when you declared enough....
....and it just cycles round and round and round, til you are positive it's YOU.

Honestly, I would just give notice. Give them their 2 weeks and just say "I'm sorry but mentally I cannot do this anymore. I'll provide care until x day but then I'm done."

If they balk or pull early, just let them go all together. You can try to explain to mom that it's not her and there is probably nothing she can do even though you appreciate the fact that she is willing....some kids are just not cut out for daycare. Trust me. It's why I am even here.

More than likely she wont take it well anyways as no one wants to be termed. Even if they know why and understand.

It's also not fair to the little one nor the other kids. It's a slow painful build when you listen to a baby cry day in and day out. It slowly ****s your sanity out and you don't even know it half the time.

Just because you are talking about it, is proof that it's done. There is nothing more you can do so just be done.

It's okay. It's not a reflection of you, the child or the parent.

Its just not working.

You have permission to say "I tried but I am out."

You'll feel SOOO much better once you just admit, you are done.

I promise.

Thanks! Yes, that's what happens, I was ready to term before but then he seemed to be doing well, so I changed my mind. I was just talking to my mother in law who is my assistant saying maybe it's me, maybe I'm doing something wrong, maybe I could do more, or maybe it's because I'm pms'ing this week. She said no, you haven't been pms' ing the whole 4 months! ::

I've complained to my husband before who said to **** it up, the mom is great to work with and you get summers off with him. Funny thing, he is laid off right now (he's a roofer and we've had a ton of snow). He was here for 2 days last week and said "yeah, you need to get rid of him". I guess ****ing it up is easier said than done!

So I told her at pick up today, kind of casually, nothing definite. (maybe not the best idea, but I really would like it to work out. He is a good baby otherwise if he would just sleep!)

I said I was going to give it a couple more weeks and if there is no improvement I will have to give notice. She was COMPLETELY shocked! She said "as in he can't come here anymore?! Why?!" I told her it's getting to be too much and a person can only take so much before they yell uncle. She said "Oh I didn't realize it was stressful for you" Ummmm, does she think it's a big fun party?

Now I feel bad, she was almost in tears and I'm sure she cried when she left. She said she didn't want her kid to be THAT kid and she's willing to do whatever to help.

During this time I've had 3 or 4 LONG talks about this with her. Plus several other shorter talks more casually about him not sleeping. So at least 8 times of talking about him not sleeping here and everything that goes along with it. Apparently she thought I only meant ON THOSE DAYS! So she thought I was complaining about him occasionally doing this. She has to be full of it! There is no way through those discussions she would think it only happened that day. When I told her no, it's everyday pretty much since he started here she acted shocked! I have most of our discussions documented and I reviewed them myself, there is no way she didn't realize.

She said that since I don't talk about it everyday she thought everything was fine. I told her no, as per my handbook, I do not talk about everything everyday. Parents can always ask questions and I will answer honestly. But in some situations if you talk about it every day the parents get defensive and don't want to hear it and it can go downhill. Especially if it a problem that only happens in daycare. So I try to work things out here on my end trying to fix the situation before bringing it up. So when I do bring something up it means it's becoming a problem. (I discuss this at interviews also)

I don't know if Mom really thought everything was fine or if she's just playing it off that way

I also told her that he may do better in a different environment. Although he is happy here and loves the kids...as long as I'm near him or holding him or if he isn't tired. I told her another daycare that is set up differently may be better. I do not have a room to put him in that has a door and I can not put him upstairs. He is the LIGHTEST sleeper on earth, so when he does fall asleep he wakes up to ANY noise. I also said maybe a daycare that has a full time assistant so there are 2 adults to pay attention to him, but if there are 2 adults usually there are more kids so the ratios are about the same.

My mother in law said no he needs a nanny. One on one attention. He sleeps great at home so he would be home with the nanny. I agree.

[CraftyMom]

It's a lot of work taking care of two babies, and I've been there too with the thought that a child will outgrow something, and then they don't.
Terming is a hard decision, but I always find when I start posting with, "should I term", that my mind is already made up and I'm just looking for affirmation that I'm not giving up, that what I'm dealing with really is too much for one person, etc.
With my last term, the only thing I regret is the $. I sure miss that check each week, but as you know, things eventually turn around in this business.

Yes, I think this is it. The thought is already there, I just to be told it's ok

[Unregistered]

I agree. Your reasons are valid!

[Thriftylady]

Well if you are planning to try two more weeks then give her notice, give a probation notice. Put it in writing and say within two weeks I need XYZ to happen (list everything YOU need to be different). That gives them one last chance to make changes at home in the off chance they have been fibbing to you. That is if you really want to try to keep him.

Otherwise, I would just give a term notice. You can only do so much and I truly believe that some babies are just the crying type. Usually it is parenting though.

[CraftyMom]

Well if you are planning to try two more weeks then give her notice, give a probation notice. Put it in writing and say within two weeks I need XYZ to happen (list everything YOU need to be different). That gives them one last chance to make changes at home in the off chance they have been fibbing to you. That is if you really want to try to keep him.

Otherwise, I would just give a term notice. You can only do so much and I truly believe that some babies are just the crying type. Usually it is parenting though.

Thanks, I have to figure out a date. My trouble now is that he wasn't here today due to no school so mom stayed home with him (teacher). So he'll be here the next 4 days this week, then next week is school vacation week and mom is keeping him home all week. Then whe he returns he will be crying anyway because he'll be ALL off schedule. So I don't know what to count as 2 weeks!

[daycare_jen]

Thanks, I have to figure out a date. My trouble now is that he wasn't here today due to no school so mom stayed home with him (teacher). So he'll be here the next 4 days this week, then next week is school vacation week and mom is keeping him home all week. Then whe he returns he will be crying anyway because he'll be ALL off schedule. So I don't know what to count as 2 weeks!

I just recently gave notice to my sister-in-law and her husband, who are both teachers. They have Presidents' Day and the next day off, and that is included in their notice period. I thought of it as, they have a couple days off to look for my replacement. I would count her school vacation week as part of your notice period... it will give her extra time to look

[Shell]

I just recently gave notice to my sister-in-law and her husband, who are both teachers. They have Presidents' Day and the next day off, and that is included in their notice period. I thought of it as, they have a couple days off to look for my replacement. I would count her school vacation week as part of your notice period... it will give her extra time to look

I did the same when I termed my teacher family over Christmas break. I also figured with all of dcm's days off, it was a good time for her to shop around for other daycares. I gave them the option of leaving earlier if they found something else, And I couldn't wait to get rid of them ::

[CraftyMom]

I counted school break, I didn't want it dragging on.

Wouldn't you know the baby was great yesterday and so far today (but afternoon is his trouble time so we'll see)

He had a 3 day weekend with mom due to the snow day. She said she put him in "boot camp". She had him nap only in the pack and play and in the middle of the living room. Then she made sure to NOT be quiet during nap, not loud, but she left the tv on and did dishes, etc. Things she normally doesn't do. She said "you know, he definitely did not sleep as good as he usually does".

She also did not hold him a lot, and when he would cry to be held she would tell him "No, you're fine"

She said she didn't realize how much she held him or how quiet it was during his naps there normally.

I think she is ACTUALLY on board now. She thought she was before, but not really since the home environment is completely different, just her and him.

She told me she REALLY wants him to stay, they love it here and she'll do what ever it takes, just tell her.

I felt bad on Friday after I told her I was giving it 2 more weeks because I know she cried when she left. But I think it took me saying that to open her eyes.

We'll see what happens from here. During these next 2 weeks, he'll have to make improvements, enough that I don't want to pull my hair out. If I see that we are headed in the right direction but not there yet, I will give him another week. If not then that's it. I'll have to be done

[TheGoodLife]

That's great that she started trying to help at home, I sure hope for everyone involved that DCM is able to remain consistent at home and that DCB's crying improves for you, so they can stay. happyface

[Blackcat31]

I counted school break, I didn't want it dragging on.

Wouldn't you know the baby was great yesterday and so far today (but afternoon is his trouble time so we'll see)

He had a 3 day weekend with mom due to the snow day. She said she put him in "boot camp". She had him nap only in the pack and play and in the middle of the living room. Then she made sure to NOT be quiet during nap, not loud, but she left the tv on and did dishes, etc. Things she normally doesn't do. She said "you know, he definitely did not sleep as good as he usually does".

She also did not hold him a lot, and when he would cry to be held she would tell him "No, you're fine"

She said she didn't realize how much she held him or how quiet it was during his naps there normally.

I think she is ACTUALLY on board now. She thought she was before, but not really since the home environment is completely different, just her and him.

She told me she REALLY wants him to stay, they love it here and she'll do what ever it takes, just tell her.

I felt bad on Friday after I told her I was giving it 2 more weeks because I know she cried when she left. But I think it took me saying that to open her eyes.

We'll see what happens from here. During these next 2 weeks, he'll have to make improvements, enough that I don't want to pull my hair out. If I see that we are headed in the right direction but not there yet, I will give him another week. If not then that's it. I'll have to be done

LOVE that you said that.

I think it's important to recognize that parents can change their childs behaviors and if the baby actually does get better, then win-win for everyone but if he doesn't get any better or only improves temporarily, then it's still okay for you to let him go.

I like trying to work it out but I don't like being cornered or guilted in to keeping someone kwim?

Good plan!

[CraftyMom]

Thanks everyone!

I would love for it to work out, but chances are it may not. At least I have a light at the end of the tunnel now! I don't like feeling trapped!

[CraftyMom]

Well that takes care of that! I had decided last night that I would keep the baby. He is showing progress. He was not here this week bc mom is a teacher and keeps him home. I guess she was daycare shopping She called and gave her notice (told her it needs to be in writing).

I guess I should feel relieved but I feel sad and disappointed that I couldn't make it work. Damn me and my caring ways!