DCP Asking Other Parents For Handouts

[daycare]

I have a dcm, (we will call her dcm A) that is has been with me for about 3 years. Has always been a single parent and has never really been well to do. I know she struggles and over the years I have helped her as long as I feel I am not being taken advantage of.

dcm A works at a local popular business. So many of our dcfs see her at work.

This week alone I had one parent come in and had me a bag of clothing, saying this is for so and so, DCM A told me how she is really struggling and needs stuff for her child.

Then another parent came in yesterday asking me how old is DCB, they want to help out because DCM A is struggling.

Today we are having a party and one of my other DCPs walks in with a bag of goodies, food, cookies, etc. Says to me this is from me and dcm A, I know she is struggling, so I told her I would cover her. (everyone was supposed to bring a snack for the party to share with friends)

So it looks like dcm A is playing the victim card and is either telling or asking all of the DCP for help. I am not ok with this at all. I don't feel that it is appropriate and I don't want any more of my DCP to become victim to this. DCM A is very forth coming and has told me many times in the past things I didn't want to know. People at her work always give her money, local churchs give her money and etc.

BTW, DCK is well dressed, well taken care of by father and grandmother. I know for a fact that DCM gets over $900.00 a month in child support, plus help from the g-ma.

Also this morning, we are making presents for the parents and DCB says I need money to get my mom medicine so she will be happy again?????

I need help on how to address this...... I don't know what to do or what to say. Part of me wonders if CPS should get involved after the comment dcb made, but I have been told by DCM-A that she takes happy meds???


HELP WWYD??

[daycarediva]

I would kindly ask her to not make requests for items from your other clients, and tell her that it has the potential to make them uncomfortable and puts you in a difficult spot. I would give her a list of charities (which it sounds like she already has.)

I'm sorry, but I am VERY sick of the 'I am a single Mom, I am entitled to all the free things! Pity me and give me stuff!"

[melilley]

I would kindly ask her to not make requests for items from your other clients, and tell her that it has the potential to make them uncomfortable and puts you in a difficult spot. I would give her a list of charities (which it sounds like she already has.)

I'm sorry, but I am VERY sick of the 'I am a single Mom, I am entitled to all the free things! Pity me and give me stuff!"

I sometimes wonder where their child support goes. I know it's not supposed to pay for everything, but sometimes it seems like they don't even receive it.

[daycare]

I would kindly ask her to not make requests for items from your other clients, and tell her that it has the potential to make them uncomfortable and puts you in a difficult spot. I would give her a list of charities (which it sounds like she already has.)

I'm sorry, but I am VERY sick of the 'I am a single Mom, I am entitled to all the free things! Pity me and give me stuff!"

I have known her to play this pity card with other charities and other people, but never me or my DCPs....

To me this is just wrong on every level. I did tell her last year when she told a DCD some personal information that she needs to be cautious of what she tells other DCPs because it made the DCD very uncomfortable. The dcd approached me and told me that DCM-A told her all kinds of very personal stuff for absolutely no reason at all.

[lblanke]

Disclosure...Not a provider, just a mom. But I would try to stay out of it as much as you can. I would let mom know (politely) that she cannot ask for handouts at your home/place of business and let the other parents know that although they are being kind, they will have to find another way to get things to her if they want to be charitable. I would not allow them to drop things off with you or be a go between at all. Let them deal with her directly if that is what they want to do. I would not disclose how much she gets in child support, etc. And, I doubt that the child's saying he wants money for "happy pills" for mom is reportable. (I am in another profession but also a mandated reporter). I took the statement to mean antidepressants and not illegal drugs. Now, if you have reason to suspect that the happy pills are illegal, that would be reportable, I would think. I agree that mom is wrong on every level.

[daycare]

Disclosure...Not a provider, just a mom. But I would try to stay out of it as much as you can. I would let mom know (politely) that she cannot ask for handouts at your home/place of business and let the other parents know that although they are being kind, they will have to find another way to get things to her if they want to be charitable. I would not allow them to drop things off with you or be a go between at all. Let them deal with her directly if that is what they want to do. I would not disclose how much she gets in child support, etc. And, I doubt that the child's saying he wants money for "happy pills" for mom is reportable. (I am in another profession but also a mandated reporter). I took the statement to mean antidepressants and not illegal drugs. Now, if you have reason to suspect that the happy pills are illegal, that would be reportable, I would think. I agree that mom is wrong on every level.

I do agree with what you are saying, I would never disclose anything about anything personal about anyone in my childcare or anyone that I know period.

I don't know what the pills are that dck is talking about, I don't think that they are illegal, but why does a 5 year old know about this stuff?

I don't want DCM using my business as her place of charity...

[daycare]

I was also thinking, what does this say about me? Does this show that I don't have good judgement in who I chose to enter my daycare?

[lblanke]

It does not at all mean anything bad about you. You are not the one who is wrong here. You are probably looking for kids who fit your program, get along with others and are well behaved so you can provide a safe and enjoyable atmosphere for the children you care for. You want parents who pay you on time and follow the rules. There is no way to anticipate every inappropriate thing a parent can do. But, if you do have a handbook, you may want to include no solicitations (including raising money for charity, selling girl scout cookies, school fund raisers, etc. to be conducted on your property/at your daycare) if you don't already have it, and maybe even something on party invitations/gift giving (if not all DCKs invited to birthday party, then no invitations given out in daycare; no gift giving between individual kids/families at daycare unless it is something to be shared by the group or everyone gets the exact same thing, etc. Then, you have a policy to fall back on when you politely decline to be the go between (since we don't allow any gift giving at day care, you will have to make arrangements outside of daycare to give mom your gifts; parents need to follow the same rules we set for the kids to avoid sending mixed messages).

[permanentvacation]

I am a broke single mother, myself. Anyone who reads most of the threads here knows that about me as I have asked for advice from you guys on my financial issues.

However, I don't go around to co-workers, friends, neighbors, etc. telling my 'Oh poor me story'. I think the ones that do that are looking for attention and 'all they can get out of you'. I know a few people who are and have been struggling for a while and the ones that rant and beg from others are the ones that usually have the most because they 'poor me' them and make everyone feel sorry for them and give things to them.

Does this woman have a habit of telling her 'poor me story' to others? Is this situation new to her? If she is new to being broke, she might simply be frantically trying to get help and advice from anyone and everyone while she wraps her mind around her situation and tries to get a handle on her new situation.

If she has a habit of telling others her 'poor me' story, then I bet she isn't so poor and doesn't really need any hand outs. And probably isn't even trying to take care of herself, just wants to live off of everyone else. This is basically my sister and my niece (from another sister). I've told you about my sister a time or two. Here's my niece's story. My niece lives completely off of the government. She literally moved from the state she had lived in for years to this state after learning from my sister (not her mother) how to go about living completely off of the government! Yep! My sister TAUGHT my niece how to live off the government! All she had to do was move here, be homeless for a year, and make sure to sleep in a homeless shelter every night that recorded that she slept there so she had proof of being homeless! Keep in mind, she had a home of her own in the state she moved from! She purposely left her home, sold all of her stuff, moved to this state, and lived homeless for a year so she could then live off of the government for the rest of her life! Pathetic, isn't it? Anyway... She really is quite capable of working, but chooses to use her 'mental issues of being afraid of being in public' to get awarded money, a free house, everything from the government and doesn't work one second of any day. However, she can walk down the public sidewalks in a shady side of town to go to the public grocery stores, Walmart, the mall, restaurants, wherever she'd enjoy going! She also has gone to Burning Man on vacation and is currently in the state she moved from visiting family and friends. But hmmm... she's afraid of being in public, so she can't work and needs to live off of the government on disability. Yeah!:confused: Anyway, she's one of those that go around and tell everyone her 'poor me' story. She gets people to take her son on vacations with their families, gets people to make meals for them and bring them to her, gets people to give her money because she's so upset being in the house all the time, she just needs to get out, so people give her money so she can 'go enjoy herself' or they invite her out with them and pay for everything for her. Yeah, the more they holler 'poor me', typically the less they really need hand outs. At least, that's been my experience.

The ones, like me, that keep our mouth shut about being broke because we are embarrassed, our kids are embarrassed, we feel like complete failures and certainly don't want to scream that from the mountaintops to everyone we know, the ones that keep their mouths shut and quietly cry to themselves at night and are trying to figure things out for and by themselves, they are the ones that need and deserve others helping them. The ones that when asked how things are going, might mention or jokingly say on occasion something like 'yeah, times are hard, but we're making it'. And don't give everyone a 'poor me' speech, those are the ones that are truly scraping by while honestly doing their best to support themselves. The ones that keep their business and problems to themselves are the ones that really need and deserve others' help.

As far as your house being the 'drop off stuff for poor broke single mom'... I would not allow my house to become the donation drop off location. If they are being begged from her at other locations, then they can meet her there to give her the stuff. Or you could tell them what time she usually gets to your house for daycare and tell them they can meet her at her car at that time. I'd say something like you don't want to become the middle man with delivering things to her or something like that. I'm not very nicey-nicey, so I really am not the right person to suggest what to say. I, personally, would be completely blunt and say, "You can't leave stuff at my house for someone else, but she arrives here at 5, so you can meet her at her car then." That's most likely what I would say. If they fuss about wanting to leave stuff here, I'd say something like "If I do this for one parent, I'd have to do it for any other parent who asks me to allow others to drop things off here for them. Could you imagine if I had 2 or 3 parents receiving things at my house from other parents? I wouldn't have the room to store everything and I'd be responsible for it all until they pick it up." If the parents really want to give it to her, they'll wait for her to arrive or come back at her arrival time. Or will meet her wherever they saw her where she begged from them in the first place. Now, in my situation, they park on the street. I don't have a driveway. So, if they give her donations at their cars, while parked on the street, it isn't affecting my household.

[permanentvacation]

Not wanting to be the drop off location does not make you a bad person. You simply don't want to be responsible for whatever they donate to her, don't want to have to store the items, and, if she says she doesn't want or need specific items that have been dropped off, you don't want to have to try to figure out what to do with whatever she might not want.

If you do this for her, you will have to be the 'delivery girl' for others. You don't want to start allowing that to happen at your home. You are a daycare provider, not a Goodwill store.

[AmyKidsCo]

Not wanting to be the drop off location does not make you a bad person. You simply don't want to be responsible for whatever they donate to her, don't want to have to store the items, and, if she says she doesn't want or need specific items that have been dropped off, you don't want to have to try to figure out what to do with whatever she might not want.

If you do this for her, you will have to be the 'delivery girl' for others. You don't want to start allowing that to happen at your home. You are a daycare provider, not a Goodwill store.

I personally wouldn't get involved with what a parent decides to do on her own time as long as she's not soliciting through you or in your home. If she's asking for handouts it's not on you, it's on her. However, I wouldn't want to be a drop off point either, so I'd tell the parents that they need to make different arrangements.

[daycare]

I feel like she has exhausted all other avenues since she has burnt out all of the local charities and churches so now she is looking for new prospects to ask for help. I feel like I need for her to know that my business is not a charity and that she is not to continue to proposition other families.

i should let her know that families have approached me and told me that they felt uncomfortable because they are not in a position to help. I told those families that I was very sorry and that they are not obligated to ever have to help her and that I would take care of it.

I feel awkward about the whole thing.

[KidGrind]

I wouldn’t say a thing to her, unless you witnessed it on your property.

If she sees your other clients out in town and they ask how she’s doing? It is their business and choice to help her out. She doesn’t have to mute herself because her kid attends the same childcare.

Now if you were giving a party for all your clients and she started up with a sob story or solicited donations, money, etc. THEN AND ONLY then would I address it with her. I’d pull her to the side and remind her it’s a joyous time.

Also, if you’re unnerved by it, I’d address the parents dropping off stuff with her with the following, “Jane how generous of you. I think it’s awesome you’re helping Mindy out. In the future, I’ll need you the exchange to be between the two of you.”

You’ll take yourself out of the equation.

[permanentvacation]

You know, you could always terminate her. She is being disrespectful to your business and bothering your other clients. If she keeps it up, you might lose some of your other clients.

I would tell her directly that although you feel bad for her situation, she can not continue to solicit your daycare parents as some have reported to you that they are uncomfortable with it.

If she continues to solicit your parents, terminate her.

This is, of course, if she is soliciting them on your property or just off your property as parents are arriving at daycare. If she is soliciting them elsewhere, there's nothing you can do about it other than refuse to be a drop off location or be involved in any way.

[daycare]

You know, you could always terminate her. She is being disrespectful to your business and bothering your other clients. If she keeps it up, you might lose some of your other clients.

I would tell her directly that although you feel bad for her situation, she can not continue to solicit your daycare parents as some have reported to you that they are uncomfortable with it.

If she continues to solicit your parents, terminate her.

This is, of course, if she is soliciting them on your property or just off your property as parents are arriving at daycare. If she is soliciting them elsewhere, there's nothing you can do about it other than refuse to be a drop off location or be involved in any way.

I didnt ask where it is happening. This is also not the first issue that dcm has created that got other parents riled up.