Advise on Talking to a Coworker About Her Child

[Bookworm]

This has the potential to end in disaster any and all advice is welcome. This may be long, sorry.

A coworker started working with us 2 months ago and enrolled her 3 children. The middle child is 3 but will be 4 next month. Mom went to my Director to find out if DCB will be moving up the first of the year since he will be 4. Mom was told no because there are 2 children ahead of him and my room is full right now. Mom said ok and that was that, or so we thought.

All week, mom has been "visiting" my class several times a day for a min or two asking about my curriculum, class rules, how much experience I have in childcare, etc. Last night I got a call from my Director that mom wants to have a meeting about my class. I immediately thought "what fresh hell is this" and agreed. The meeting is at 3 tomorrow and I need help on how to explain to mom that he isn't ready for my room.

DCB just started potty training a month before mom started work and is not anywhere ready. Just today, he went over by the sandbox and pooped on his pants. He is in dire need of speech therapy. When he talks, he sounds like an older 2 yr old. It's hard to understand him. He has zero self help skills with the exception of eating. He's learning now how to drink from a paper cup but when he started, he used a sippy. Judging by the shape of his mouth, he still ****s a paci. This might explain his speech though. He's never been in daycare before but he is adjusting slowly but steadily. His current class is very structured due to their large numbers and it's helping him to adjust because of the consistency. Mom, however loves my class and can't wait until he moves up. She wants him to do what we do in my class. She wants him to go with us on field trips. She wants me to give him my curriculum and teach him to write like my kids do. Even though he's not ready yet.

Now I know what I WANT to say to mom but I need to be as professional as possible. I know I'll have to be direct about potty training because state regs doesn't allow us to change diapers/pull-ups because we don't have a changing table and we're not allowed in the bathroom with them without a witness. As for the other issues, help. Thanks in advance.

[NeedaVaca]

I'm a direct kind of person, I honestly would just tell her all you just told us. It can be done in a nice way! A sympathetic/understanding way of speaking along with a gentle tone can soften it. I would also tell mom that SHE needs to be preparing him for this class, give her a list of things he should master before he starts so she knows what she needs to be working on. Let her know this is so he can be successful in your room. If he is so far behind all the other kids and can't keep up and do what his peers are doing he will feel bad. Suggest an evaluation for speech as well. If his speech is that bad why wait until they tell her at Kindergarten, get him help now so he has the tools he needs. Early intervention can make all the difference

Key points I would say: we want him to be successful, I'm sure you want that for him too. ( she really can't say no) then: here is how you can prepare him to be successful, give her the list. When he has made progress or mastered the list the transition to the next room will be so much easier for him and that is what we all want.

I would also give her a milestone checklist, it sounds like he is far behind in many different areas and seeing it in print could be eye opening for her...

[Bookworm]

I'm a direct kind of person, I honestly would just tell her all you just told us. It can be done in a nice way! A sympathetic/understanding way of speaking along with a gentle tone can soften it. I would also tell mom that SHE needs to be preparing him for this class, give her a list of things he should master before he starts so she knows what she needs to be working on. Let her know this is so he can be successful in your room. If he is so far behind all the other kids and can't keep up and do what his peers are doing he will feel bad. Suggest an evaluation for speech as well. If his speech is that bad why wait until they tell her at Kindergarten, get him help now so he has the tools he needs. Early intervention can make all the difference

Key points I would say: we want him to be successful, I'm sure you want that for him too. ( she really can't say no) then: here is how you can prepare him to be successful, give her the list. When he has made progress or mastered the list the transition to the next room will be so much easier for him and that is what we all want.

I would also give her a milestone checklist, it sounds like he is far behind in many different areas and seeing it in print could be eye opening for her...

Thanks Vaca. I'll bring my curriculum to the meeting ao she can see the difference between the two. She already has a milestone checklist but I don't know if she read it yet. As far as early intervention, the cut off is 3 yrs old. Because he'll soon be 4, he has to go through the school district. My main concern is that she'll think we're labeling DCB and we don't want to help him. I'll update tomorrow after work.

[NeedaVaca]

Ok, so he will miss the birth to 3 program and have to go through the schools but he can start that process now, he doesn't have to wait until K. I agree it can be tricky! I used to work in the birth to 3 program and dealt with a case load of 60 families...

What I always find odd...I also have a special needs child and here we are trying to figure out how to tell this mom without upsetting her BUT all the different programs/therapists and now school NEVER sugar coated anything for me! They just tell it like it is!

[Angelsj]

I would keep it very matter of fact. In order to move up to this class, he must be doing XYZ (whatever the criteria is.) When he meets these criteria, we will be happy to discuss moving to the next room.

[Bookworm]

Ok, so he will miss the birth to 3 program and have to go through the schools but he can start that process now, he doesn't have to wait until K. I agree it can be tricky! I used to work in the birth to 3 program and dealt with a case load of 60 families...

What always find odd...I also have a special needs child and here we are trying to figure out how to tell this mom without upsetting her BUT all the different programs/therapists and now school NEVER sugar coated anything for me! They just tell it like it is!

In SC, if your birthday is on or after September 1 you have to wait an extra year before you can start K. Some schools have a 3K program but it's very hard to get in. My Director is going to recommend 4k but because of his late birthday, it will be over a year before he can get tested. Then there's mom's reaction to worry about.

Some parents don't think of us as teachers. And since we're not real, any concerns we have aren't real either.

[Wednesday!]

She shouldn't have to wait to be enrolled in public school to get her child tested. In Alabama, children 3 to 5 get the same services as those under three. It's just handled through the school system instead of early intervention. She should be able to contact the elementary school in her district to find out where to start, but she doesn't have to wait. At least, that's how it is here. I thought this was a nationwide program, but I may be mistaken.

[pandamom]

Ok, this is coming from a mom of two boys who receive early intervention and a center employee who has had to have this talk with parents of children in my class.

First, make sure you give two positives to every negative. These type of meetings can make a parent feel defensive or feel like they aren't doing enough. These positives can help put a parent at ease and be more open to hearing what you say.

Your local school district should be able to do testing on the child. Here, it's for children between 3 and before they start kindergarten. There may be a preschool program that includes speech services. The one my boys are in provide busing from the center to the school and back. I would try to find the nearest school district and find out if they test and have the program and provide that to mom.

[nannyde]

Is the mom state funded for her children? Does the business make money off of her? What is the ages of the other two?

[NeedaVaca]

In SC, if your birthday is on or after September 1 you have to wait an extra year before you can start K. Some schools have a 3K program but it's very hard to get in. My Director is going to recommend 4k but because of his late birthday, it will be over a year before he can get tested. Then there's mom's reaction to worry about.

Some parents don't think of us as teachers. And since we're not real, any concerns we have aren't real either.

Starting school and getting evaluated by a multidisciplinary evaluation team through the school are 2 different things. If the child is evaluated now and found to be delayed they are required by law to provide services. All mom needs to do is call the school to get the info and help he needs. These services have nothing to do with when he starts Kindergarten, they are required by law to provide these services from the time the child turns 3.

[Margarete]

Thanks Vaca. I'll bring my curriculum to the meeting ao she can see the difference between the two. She already has a milestone checklist but I don't know if she read it yet. As far as early intervention, the cut off is 3 yrs old. Because he'll soon be 4, he has to go through the school district. My main concern is that she'll think we're labeling DCB and we don't want to help him. I'll update tomorrow after work.

It's not that you don't want to help him... It's that you DO want to provide him the best help possible... and YOU are not an expert in speech therapy. The school district has people who specialize in this, and can provide him services now.
Lots of kids who talk late or are delayed in other aspects do just fine later... even without specialized intervention.... It's not that he necessarily that he needs it, but you feel that he may qualify, and could benefit from their expertise.

[Bookworm]

Ok ladies. The meeting is cancelled because the two youngest (1 and almost 4) are sick. I found out that mom is aware of the services public school offers. She's hesitant to seek help because she doesn't want her children labeled.

Nanny, she is not state funded. My center doesn't accept it. By making money off her Dio you mean she provides a service to us in exchange for daycare? If your answer is yes, then no. She's FT infant room teacher.

As far as making an appointment now for an eval. This school district is a highly sought after district. Space is extremely limited for all pre-K programs. So even if she makes an appointment now, it could be months before he's seen. The waiting list is that long.

Please don't think that I don't want him in my class. That's far from the truth. He's only been here two months and is finally getting adjusted to his classmates and teachers. I think that suddenly moving him when is starting to get comfortable with everyone would set him back. Someone suggested that I give two positives for every one negative. Great idea ,but the only negatives I can see is the potty training issue and any setbacks he may experience from the move up. Thanks for the advice Ladies but mom is aware of what the school has to offer. She just doesn't want to use it which is sad for DCB. I'm not sure what if anything we could do to help him. I've seen far too many children fall through the cracks because their parents don't want them labeled.

[Margarete]

I think a lot of the kids who get early services, "graduate" from the services and intervention.
I know a child who got services for sensory issues, and while it's something that doesn't go away, he graduated from needed help, and learned self regulating techniques.
Another child had a serious concussion which set him back in math.... and it's hard to catch up in a standard math class due to the linear learning. He went from top of his class, to far at the bottom (and was suffering some confidence issues too from kids teasing him, and remembering he used to be good at it).... After a year of doing an online math class (that teaches you from where you are at and builds) he got caught up and was back up near the top of his class for math.

Delays are not permanent, and while in some cases can be an indicator for something else... it's often just a snap shot of where they are now, not their full potential.

Good luck, I know it's hard.

She can always start by calling and asking questions on how they do things, and making an appointment, which won't be for some time anyway, and if he makes large strides (which happens) before then she could always cancel.

As it gets closer to the appointment, even with the progress (I'm sure there will be some) I would encourage her to go ahead and follow through, as it couldn't hurt just to meet up after they waited so long for the appointment.

[nannyde]

Book how is she affording three slots?

[Bookworm]

Book how is she affording three slots?

Good question because we don't give employee discounts. She's married so I'm assuming her husband or other family members. Trust me when I tell you Nanny, the owner WILL NOT give her a discount for anything.